“Your kindness will reward you, but your cruelty will destroy you.”
Proverbs 11:17 NLT
I remember so clearly the day my friend Jane said she needed to talk to me. I walked back to her office and sat down, unaware of the blow that was coming but nervous all the same. She told me that I’d hurt her deeply with an offhand remark someone had overheard and reported to her, and she didn’t understand why I’d say such a thing.
Staring at her in shock, my eyes filled with tears and all I could think was, But I prayed for you! I couldn’t consider how my actions had hurt my friend or how my misconstrued words had the opposite effect of what I intended. All I could think about was how, just a few weeks earlier, I’d prayed around the clock for Jane’s family during a crisis. I’d supported her and loved her and been there for her, and now she doubted me. She took the word of another that I had said something to hurt her. My heart was crushed, and my defenses were sky-high. We sat in that room, both of us feeling betrayed and let down by the other.
Though I didn’t feel sorry in the moment, I apologized to my friend. And I eventually did understand how the words I’d intended to be kind and encouraging to another friend had, in fact, been hurtful to Jane. Genuinely remorseful, I then apologized to her again.
I realized something after that situation though. This wasn’t the first time I’d felt doubly offended by someone I’d prayed for. Not only had they wronged me (at least in my mind), but they did it despite how fervently I’d prayed for them. I realized that I was treating prayer — an intimate act of kindness that, to me, carried enormous relational weight — as a guarantee that the person I prayed for would owe me a similar kindness. Rather than seeing prayer as an unconditional gift on behalf of someone I care about, I saw the act of praying for my friends — or helping them move or throwing them a baby shower or helping them write a résumé or, if I’m honest, any sizable gesture of kindness — as an investment or as friendship insurance.
Somewhere along the way, I began to believe that kindness deserved to be repaid, that kindness was a deposit into a relationship and I’d eventually see dividends returned for my efforts. If you had asked me, I’m certain I would have said that kindness was its own reward, that helping others was how I showed them my love and God’s love. But part of me still expected to get what I’d “earned” with all my good deeds and kindness.
Unfortunately, that experience permanently changed my friendship with Jane. But God also used it to begin changing my heart. He showed me that while I was often kind, my motives weren’t pure. And He reminded me that I shouldn’t expect earthly rewards anyway. During the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus flipped many of His listeners’ assumptions upside-down—including how they should treat their enemies. He said, “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked” (Luke 6:35 NIV).
Jesus said our reward for showing kindness — to enemies, yes, but also to friends — would be great. But He never promised that reward in this life. Now, when I read His words and Proverbs 11:17, which promises a reward for kindness, I understand that the reward we receive is a heavenly one. It’s the satisfying knowledge that we are acting like our heavenly Father did when He showed us His love by sending His only Son, knowing we could never repay that gift.
Love without strings and kindness without expectations aren’t easy. They are impossible, really, unless we ask God to give us His heart for others. Only then will we be able to truly love one another, giving freely and offering kindness as a genuine expression of God’s love. And our eternal reward for that will be more than we can imagine.
God, I’m so grateful for Your unconditional kindness. Please forgive me for treating kindness as a transaction, and please give me the strength and love to be kind to others without expecting anything in return. Amen.
Mary,
You’re so right… Kindness comes without strings. Thank you for sharing today, my friend.
Sending you Thanksgiving, Joy,
Lisa
I’m embarrassed how much I can relate to this. Thank you so much for the beautiful nudge!
Dear Mary……..I loved your story in your devotion today. I have had a similar story, but in the opposite way that you had. I had a very good friend that I had grown up with from when we were both 2 years old (playpen buddies) we called ourselves as we got older. She had made many changes in her life and ended up married two times and moved to the South as her husband was from that section of the country. We both had busy lives and lost touch for some years. One day I was cleaning out the drawers in my bedroom and came across an email that she had sent me years back. I thought, Wow, maybe I can connect with her as there was an email address and phone number in that email, but I also knew it was possible that she moved again, but I decided to try and sure enough, she answered the phone. We both laughed and cried a little as well. I was in a very dark season which I told her about and she was sympathetic, she didn’t say she would pray for me. She proclaimed herself to me many times that she was one of the best Christians ever, yet when her husband died, she didn’t go to church for 2 years. I thought that was odd, but I didn’t question her. Time passed and I was then living in a Senior Living Facility and we had hours long conversations on the phone weekly. One day, back before the last election, we were on the phone and I was very careful not to tell anyone who I was voting on unless I knew we were on the same page. So we were dancing around talking that day, but somehow, she said to me, You are not voting for ******** are you? I didn’t answer, but said you know, everyone has their own opinions and we should all respect others thoughts. She said, I don’t feel that way and she hung up on me. I was shocked and surprised at the same time. I forgave her the next day as Jesus would want me to do, but I did not call her again as I didn’t want to be hung up on. For such the “perfect” Christian (her words not mine). I waited for her call. It never came. I spoke to my minister about it and she said that down South there are many people that have strange ideas, that we do not have in our religion. Turned out she was trying to get her church split into Republicans and Democrats. Our feelings in my church community do not like that idea. My minister told me to be careful and do not discuss her Religion. Well, that never happened as it is over a year now and I still have not heard from her. So, someone that I thought I could trust with my serious problems meant nothing to her. My Mother told me that I was always kind since I was 3 and always shared my toys with others. That is just the way that God created me in my mother’s womb. I have always continued this way, even now as I live in a difficult place. I still try to be kind to anyone that will talk to me, but there are many who don’t like the way I dress and they judge me on that. It hurts me, but I still try. As God said, ” I am what I am” and that is just me too.. Mary, your story was very interesting and it reminded me to keep trying. I hope that you and your family have a Blessed Thanksgiving. It is wonderful to me to have found the (in)courage community of women as all of you help me and keep me grounded as I still struggle with my dark season especially in this upcoming Holiday season. Love……………..Betsy Basile
I love this verse: “Your kindness will reward you, but your cruelty will destroy you.”
Proverbs 11:17 NLT
Mister Rogers kept this note in his billfold:
Frankly, there isn’t anyone you couldn’t
learn to love once you’ve heard their story.
Living with resentment accelerates the aging process.
Living with resentment accelerates the aging process.
Mary what you said is so true. I have a friend once she said he carefull what you say. As once it said you can’t take it back. So make sure you say something good about people and forgive them if they hurt you. If need help pray to go to help you forgive them. Show Jesus love at all times. Even in the difficult times my friend said to me. Especially if not saved she said and pray for them. Then my friend said if they hurt you and said something about you that is not nice behind your back or to your face don’t retaliate in anger. Deal with your anger so as you don’t sin. Let them know they have hurt you what they said was not nice. But you forgive them you have prayed for them. Do as Ephesians 4:25&26 ” Therefore putting away lying let’s each one of you speak the truth with his neighbour. For we are members of one another. Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your warth. How true that is. Yes can be painful if someone has said something about you especially if not true. Also if you said something about some one. But we can make something beautiful out of no matter who fault it was and learn from it. Do what Jesus would want us to do forgive them ask them if you hurt them to forgive you. As God if was your fault for you not to do it again. My friend then said if the person not saved. They don’t know what they have done wrong. Remember what Jesus said on the cross. “Lord forgive them for they know not what they do”. That speaks to me if the person has done or said something to me that hurt especially if not saved and it not true to remember what our Lord said. Then when we make friends again put it behind us and show Jesus love to either and never bring it up again. Thank you Mary for today’s reading. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland xx
Mary, thank you for sharing your situation and insights.
Recently I experienced something similar and felt my kind gestures for the person “didn’t count.”
You’re right—our giving of ourselves shouldn’t hinge on the recipient’s response or lack of one. When I’m offended, I need to examine my motives.
Thank you for sharing. This encouragement comes at a time when I struggle whether to be kind and generous. To always give and not expecting anything in return, for me it can turn out that the other party is taking us Christians for granted. I don’t want them to take God that way. That’s why I have to restrain myself and ask God for discernment and wisdom.