There was a time in my life when my parents couldn’t be in the same room with each other. As a kid, I learned to wait on the wicker loveseat and stare impatiently out the large picture window. (Yes, it was the early nineties and we had wicker furniture in the living room.) As soon as I saw my dad’s black sedan pull into the driveway, I would yell to my sisters that it was time to go and we would race out the front door. Was I that excited to see my dad? Honestly, not really. I was just that eager to avoid him coming up to the house and igniting a possible confrontation with my mom.
In middle school, I remember standing up for my trumpet solo and quickly scanning the crowded gymnasium in search of supportive faces. I spotted my mom in the left set of bleachers and my dad in the farthest possible section to the right. In high school, when I got the lead in Oklahoma, my parents came to different shows, careful not to cross paths lest a community theater become a battleground.
There were a thousand spoken and unspoken hurts between my parents that spilled over into my heart. The way my dad wouldn’t help pay for my sister’s dance classes to make life harder for my mom. The way my mom didn’t hide her disdain for the summer vacations my dad took us girls on, which made me feel like my excitement was a betrayal. Fifteen years of marriage in and as many years of bitterness out. I never knew if their divorce was the right choice, the only choice. As a kid I never longed for them to get back together — I just wanted things to be different. I just wanted to escape the shrapnel of their pain.
At my college graduation, my dad pretended not to hear me when I asked him to stand next to me for a picture with our whole family — the original five. When I was getting married, my mom didn’t want to sit beside my dad and his new wife; my dad didn’t want to sit in the row behind my mom. Several verbal blowups and low blows left me gutted. Three days before my big day, I looked at my wedding dress hanging on the closet door and wondered if my dad would even show up to walk me down the aisle.
I share all this not as a catalog of grievances against my parents but to set the stage for the miracle I never expected.
Fast-forward several years to when my dad was in a difficult place in his life — well, difficult is an understatement. His second marriage had failed, as had his business and his health. Thanksgiving was approaching. Holidays are always extra complicated for kids of divorce. My sisters and I were all married at this point and had to juggle time with our in-laws and separate gatherings for our mom and dad. Now that my dad was single and struggling, the responsibility to host a celebration with him fell to one of us girls — an added stress when our individual lives were already maxed and being with Dad didn’t feel especially celebratory.
The details of what happened next have become a bit fuzzy through the fog of years. The question might have come through an email or group text thread, or maybe we were talking on the phone while I nursed a baby. Either way, I’ll never forget my mom’s words: “How would you feel if I invited your dad to join us for Thanksgiving?”
As I sat there speechless, my mom went on to explain how she understood what a burden it was to navigate three family get-togethers and how the busyness could take away from the joy of the holiday. She said she wasn’t sure if Dad would accept an invitation from her, but she felt like the Lord was asking her to extend it.
Honestly? My first thought was No way! I pictured the awkwardness of being in the same house all together. I thought about how I would take the chaos of bouncing from one Thanksgiving dinner to the next to the next over the tension of sitting at the same table with my parents for an extended meal. The family chasm caused by their divorce was way too wide to bridge with some mashed potatoes and gravy. Years and years of conflict and failed resolutions proved that reconciliation was impossible, right? So why even try?
Given our family history, this knee-jerk reaction was understandable — but it was also rooted in fear. I’m grateful to tell you that my initial response didn’t win out.
The first miracle was my mom asking my dad to Thanksgiving dinner. The second miracle was the doorbell ringing and my dad showing up in his classic corduroy slacks and argyle sweater and handing my mom a bottle of Martinelli’s. The miracles after that were too many to count.
As little ones threw corn kernels from high chairs and unspoken words passed in sideways glances between sisters, we made it through that first Thanksgiving dinner. My dad thanked my mom for inviting him and complimented her cooking. My mom thanked my dad for coming and gave him another piece of homemade pie to go. It felt a bit like I was living someone else’s life.
It was hard and uncomfortable and so very worth it. I left that dinner with a belly full of turkey and a heart full of praise. What I thought was surely impossible turned out not to be.
From our pain God produced a miracle — and I’m still giving thanks.
That Thanksgiving dinner was the first of many times my mom and dad would sit together at the same holiday table. After that, there was a standing invitation for my dad to join our family celebrations. And I never want to get over the miracle of it. I never want to lose sight of the fact that what took place over plates of green beans and baskets of bread was the work of the Holy Spirit — and a bunch of messed-up people willing to surrender to the gift of His leading.
Think about it: My mom could have ignored the Spirit’s stirring. Pain and resentment could have blocked her from extending an offering of peace and compassion. My dad could have rejected the invitation. Pride and bitterness could have been barriers to reconciliation and connection.
My sisters and I could have dismissed the hope of family harmony. Anger and unforgiveness for the turmoil caused by our parents’ fractured marriage could have prevented the miracle God wanted to do in our family. I could have said the pain of the past was already too much to bear, so why open myself to the possibility of more?
There are a dozen or more reasons why that first family dinner should never have happened following fifteen years of brutal divorce aftermath. But God . . . (Oh, those two small and mighty words.)
But God was working for the good of those who love Him. And that’s the wild thing about what His Word promises! “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28 NIV).
Did you catch that? All things. God doesn’t just use the moments of our lives that we deem worthy of an Instagram highlight reel. He doesn’t reserve His work only for the times when we get things right, when we walk without stumbling, when we run without being wounded by the pain of our own making. He works all things together for our good. The only qualifier is that we love Him.
I showed up to that unexpected Thanksgiving dinner still carrying old wounds crusted over with the scab of time. I came with my guard partly up and plenty of skepticism stuffed in my back pocket. But I came to the table. And so did my mother, my father, and my sisters. Sometimes just showing up is the beginning of building new bridges of connection. Showing up with a hefty dose of humility helps.
Humility says I’m willing to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
Humility says being right or even being heard is not the most important thing.
Humility says I’m going to do my best to love well regardless of how someone else chooses to respond.
I didn’t hear those exact words come out of anyone’s mouth that November night, but each person’s actions spoke volumes. And God’s voice in our midst was the loudest. I’m not sure who else heard Him, but I couldn’t ignore the tender, relentless assurance of the Spirit saying, See Me. See how I’m doing the impossible. See how I’m answering prayers you didn’t even know to pray. See how I’m infusing hope and life and healing into your family in ways you never could have imagined.
Perhaps that’s what the Holy Spirit is whispering to you today, too.
Today’s devotion is an excerpt from Becky Keife’s chapter, “What If Pain Is the Stage for Miracles?” in our (in)courage book, Come Sit with Me: How to Delight in Differences, Love through Disagreements, and Live with Discomfort.
You can listen to Becky read the entire chapter on this special episode of the (in)courage podcast.
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Remarkable experience! God works in so many different ways and He is always good. Thank you for sharing and God bless you and your family!
Becky,
God is still in the miracle business. We have to be willing to do our part & trust in Him to do His. Then sit back & marvel at the miracle before us! Great story!!
Blessings 🙂
Becky thank you for telling the truth from your heart. Some of the things you say I can relate to when growing up. Only I am saved the only one in my family apart from my Husband. I am glad I have the Lord as without the Lord I not be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have been able to my Dad. As it hurt alot of things he did when I was growing up. Even to my late Mum. I used to see my Dad and I heard this from my Mum too. That she see him with a ten pound note in thoes days which would have been worth twenty today in thoes days by a round of drinks for his friends to make him feel he was the big fella. My Mum having to fight to get money of him for school uniforms. As I right this from my heart I cry as I never cried over it before. I got into my head I know it’s from God that is good Dawn for you to cry and realise all that emotion you built up. Put of to the back of your memory. But God said you never forgot about it. My Dad still not saved today I pray for his salvation. All the days he is alive I will never stop praying for his salvation. He is 84 now and 85 in February next year. He has my the start of Dementia. I want nothing from him when he passes away. I told this to our Salvation Army Officer that we had in our Church one time. All I want is my Dad saved and won for God kingdom and that I will one day see my Dad in Glory when my time up on earth also. That would be the best thing my Dad could give me. I pray before he get any worse with Dementia that I will see that. My Dad knows I pray for him and his Salvation. He just laughs at the fact I believe it all. One thing I am so glad as it was the done thing when I was small that you sent your Children to Sunday School. Only for my Dad doing that I wouldn’t have ever heard about Jesus. I as child didn’t then when small like Sunday School or having to get up for it on a Sunday Morning. But looking back at it I am glad. My two sisters their Husband’s and kids not saved either I pray for them all. I don’t know how or when I asked Jesus to be my Saviour but I do think it was through an RE teacher in my secondary school. I remember asking her how do get saved and I can’t tell you if I asked Jesus into my heart then. But I know I am saved. I never swap my life with Jesus for my Sister’s and my Dad’s. I can remember my Dad and Mum breaking up after 25 years of marriage because my Dad did wrong. My Mum took my Dad back he did it again. Too see hurt and pain on my late Mum’s face was heart breaking. But for the sake of her Grandkids she came together for them and my Sister’s when my Dad would have been there for their Birthday’s when small and other family things which was good of her. My Dad Married the second one it didn’t work out. But the second time my Dad did it my Mum never had him back. I remember God helping me forgive my Dad as if I didn’t the scars would still be there and I never want to see my Dad or have anything to do with him. We that are saved have to forgive as it right in God’s eyes or we never heal. Even though we will never forget about it. As it says in Colossians 3:13 “Bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, So you also must do.” That verse says it all and we that are saved have to do as that verse forgive” There are other things my Dad did that hurt too to do with me. God knows them all. I have asked God to help me forgive my Dad for everything. As you said Becky that verse in Romans 8:28 so true it says “God works all things out for the good of those who love GOD, to thoes who are thr called according to His purpose.” God does do that as now when I go visit my Dad in his home or go help him in home by tidying it as he not able anymore. I don’t think of all the things Dad did wrong and how it hurt me it doesn’t even come into my head. But I know my Dad will not change until he get saved. Like the rest of my family. A good friend of mind said Dawn remember this and it the thing Jesus said on the Cross. “Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do” they will not change your Dad or your family until get saved they until that day will not see it just keep praying for them all and your Dad my friend said. I remember that as it helps me. So when I go to see my Dad or do anything for him I do it now for the Love of the Lord and my Dad. I have told my Dad that even though he just laughs and doesn’t believe me. But God know it comes from my heart and I mean every word of it. You sharing your heart Becky has helped me too. Thank you so much I pray for you all in incourage. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland,
What a beautiful God story! Thank you for sharing! Romans 8:28 is my favorite Bible verse. God causes ALL things to work together for our good and His glory- not just some things. What an awesome God we serve!
Dear Becky……….This story that you shared with us is very touching and in my situation, I sat here at my computer and cried. The beginning of your words were so very sad and also scary as you and your sisters were young, and how else would you feel, but what you saw and heard over and over again. As I read on and started to see the Miracle begin, I wondered how this would play out, but when your mother asked your father for Thanksgiving dinner, I certainly can see you would be very hesitant for that would happen especially after the heartbreaking part about your wedding. It really must have been difficult and some other feelings during that 1st dinner together, maybe just wondering when the first “fight” could break out. As I read on, that didn’t happen and there was hope and joy when you left that maybe, just maybe, this could continue again. I am so happy for all of you, (including your Dad) that God sent that miracle to you and all of your family. As it gets nearer to Thanksgiving, I am always very emotional when he holidays come around. I know all of them will be together for the meal, but I, as usual was not invited, and I still have not seen or been able to talk to my 15 year old grandson. Almost 5 years now and I think to myself. What a waste. I am 78 years old now and will I ever live long enough to see or hear from him. All my friends here where I live are going to relatives or friends that will pick them up to take them along to have dinner together. Becky, I got your book with a verse a day for the anxious soul. It really helps me and I send my gratitude to you for writing that book and making it available to us I am also going through the 100 days of Strength in any struggle for the third time and it is amazing when I see what I wrote the last 2 times. I think to myself, could I see a miracle like you did? I pray so often about this, but my son and daughter in law do not love God so I wonder if it could happen. So I will be eating my dinner alone in my apartment and thanking God for the Blessings He has bestowed on me all of the years that have passed. I know He will also know about my tears and my feelings, but your words have given me HOPE. That’s certainly better than nothing. I will think back oh so many years when my parents and all my relatives were still on Earth and all the glorious gatherings we always had. I know we are not supposed to look back, but I have to. I send my love to you Becky as your words always help me. I wish you and your family a Blessed Thanksgiving and I will think of you that day as I eat whatever. Then I will read this devotion today and it will give me some HOPE again…………..Betsy Basile
Words “Messed-up people” made me take a heavy sigh.
Some days I wear the crown. Thanks for sharing your story.
With God nothing is impossible and there is always hope.
Thank you so much for writing this Becky! In our family I was the one who could do this and invited my ex husband to join us for Christmas and Thanksgiving and sat between him and my husband at my daughter’s wedding. My girls have all said how much they appreciated it. He has passed away now and I do not regret extending those kindnesses. It is only by the grace of God that we can do these things. Hugs and prayers ❤️
Becky, I remember this story probably from one of your books. It’s touching. I’m sorry you had to experience the hard part though. It sure does make us appreciate life when it’s good with family!
Have a blessed holiday season, Lisa
Very good and needed to hear this As I am prying my marriage would not fall apart. I love the Lord, and I love my husband, I pray God’s perfect will be done.