In high school, I was no natural scholar, except in right-brain subjects like English literature and writing. Other important classes, like math and science, gave me heaps of trouble. Because I studied those subjects like my life depended on it, I miraculously pulled off decent grades. It didn’t hurt that God graced me with a friend, Amy, who religiously helped me with homework for those subjects.
(Greater love hath no 1990s high school student than one who’d regularly lay down her TV viewing time to talk me through algebra.)
While my report card looked favorable enough, the same cannot be said for my ACT and SAT scores. A slow test taker under the best of circumstances, I struggled to complete every single section in time. During the ACT specifically, a nosebleed sent me to the bathroom for a whole 20 precious minutes.
When all was said and done, my admission package was good enough to get me into college, but it wasn’t good enough to help me pay for it. And this fact led my academic advisor to tell me something along the lines of, “You do well, Kristen, just not well enough.”
Also during my senior year, I practiced my musical instrument, the oboe, till my finger pads practically fell off my fingertips in preparation for All-State auditions. All-State was the biggest competition for high school musicians across my home state of Oklahoma. Junior year, I’d made 4th chair in the All-State Band. This year, I wanted 1st chair.
On audition day, I drew a late audition number, which meant it’d be hours before my time to play. Instead of using that waiting time to practice or pray, I foolishly camped outside the audition door and listened to every other oboist nail the audition piece. When I walked into the audition room myself, my nerves ballooned till I couldn’t breathe. I proceeded to play my audition piece as if I’d just looked at the music for the first time. As a result, I didn’t make All-State Band at all. I made second alternate.
Staring at my name listed far down the acceptance list, the academic advisor’s words came back to me,
“You do well, Kristen, just not well enough.”
Truly, I flub up, fumble, and fall flat on my face aplenty, and often because of my own poor choices. But what about the times we do all the right things to achieve a desired result, and that desired result falls like water through our hands?
Poor at math though I am, I like to think I grasp it enough to make this calculation work:
desired goal + consistent hard work = achieving the results I want
When this doesn’t happen, I’m once again the high school senior sitting in the creaky metal chair in my counselor’s office, hearing the words,
“You do well, Kristen, just not well enough.”
The truth I couldn’t see at 18 but can see at 51 is that I had a mighty strong bent toward equating my worth with my performance. It didn’t help that when I performed well, I was praised to the heavens and back down again.
But those early failures helped me learn that I was beloved regardless of any success I achieved, not because of it.
In truth, grown-up Kristen needs this reminder, too.
Still, the disappointment from not doing as well as you’d like hurts. Hopes deferred make the heart sick, says Proverbs 13:12, and it’s true. It’s also true that God often allows a disappointment to become His appointment for something better.
I love this explanation:
“Hope deferred doesn’t mean hope denied. It just means the story is still being written. And maybe, just maybe, the delay is the miracle. Because it’s in the waiting that your roots grow deep enough to hold the fruit when it finally comes.”
— Andrew Alleyne
If we wipe our tears, we can see our disappointments carry this secret message from heaven: I’m setting the stage for your maximum benefit, and it’s not ready… yet.
Success is more fun, to be sure. But the strand of gold found in the familiarity of failure is that God is always arranging our circumstances behind the scenes for our favor and good. Believing this builds our trust muscles to rely on God rather than our own efforts. And then we know that our job is to work hard by doing what God has asked us to do, and we let Him handle the results.
All of this has led me to ask a hard but necessary question: What am I really trusting in? I don’t get past the first commandment in Exodus 20:3, “You shall have no other gods before me,” when I see I’ve already fallen short. For in all my math-ing of desired results, I’ve made an idol out of self-will, effort, and even performance. Working hard is a good thing, of course, and I don’t begrudge my driven personality. But I can’t put my faith in my try-hard tendencies, only in God’s sovereignty.
So, I think about a new calculation:
desired goal + consistent hard work = accepting the results God allows
And here I find that in God’s hands, “well enough” becomes more than enough — not because I finally nailed the outcome, but because I trusted Him with it. And friend, the same is true for you. Show up, give what you can, and let God handle the results. He isn’t asking you to be fantastic—only faithful.
Thank you for this reminder today Kristen! It was so timely & just what I needed to hear. Saved the link & took notes so that I can go back & read it when I need to!
I’m so glad it was helpful, Catherine. I’m preaching to myself here, too!
God bless and keep you!
I love the “new” math!
Thank you . . .
You’re so welcome, Sharon! Grateful to have you here!
Truly sage advice. And what I needed to read.
Thank you, Madeline. It’s certainly what I need to remember when I forget! Much love!
Ohhhh soooo perfect for me to read this morning. Thank you Kristen!
I’m so glad it was helpful, Janet! Much love!
Dear Kristen………I loved your entire devotion today. It describes me and how much of my life was similar to yours. My horror in high school was math and science, but I didn’t have anyone to help me like your dear friend, Amy. I also was good at writing and Advanced English, but as you said, I did not do well with the SAT’s, just enough to get me into college. I also, played the clarinet and started out at 3rd chair, first clarinet, but that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted that first chair and I took music lessons and practiced daily. It took me 2 years, but I finally got what I wished for, but the boy that had that chair decided he did not want to play in the band, so as usual, I am talking to myself as to, “did I really get it myself or was it because he quit?” As I continued to read your story, I found that I really loved your final math solution. This is exactly what I need to remember. At 78 years old, I sometimes feel I am not doing enough, but as you age, it sometimes is more difficult mentally or physically to do things the way I did when I was 35. Your last paragraph is something I am going to write down and post it where I can always see it as I do believe that it is OK to do “Just enough” as our Lord works behind the scenes and so often very good things happen when He thinks it is your time to receive something beautiful. There is so much more to my story, but not enough time to tell you. Can we really try to contact you for help? I think that would help me, here alone with no one and the grief that these holidays seasons bring to me. May you have a Blessed Thanksgiving with your family. I also send my love for this devotional that I will keep reading………..Betsy Basile
Betsy, thanks so much for sharing part of your story here ~ you’re most welcome to email me more as you feel led to do. I’m not able to answer every email I receive, but I definitely read them all and always do my best to respond! (Visit https://kristenstrong.com and tap the contact form to email me directly.) And you have my prayers that the Lord brings you an in-person friend or two who will help this holiday season to be a time of joy. You are wildy beloved, Betsy!
Thank you. I would love to have the talent to create the written word to impact people like you do. My writing skills are “not enough”. So we all have our talents and I am the queen of never having enough or the right talent in my eyes.
I am currently on leave from my job due to recovering from surgery and it terrifies me that I won’t be able to return to the level of before (something i felt i was good at).
Your writing today was perfect addition to my conversation with God about seeing my self worth.
Thank you again.
Susan, thanks so much for sharing here AND for your kind words about my writing.
I think if we’re honest, most (if not all!) of us have felt that we don’t have enough talent or the right talent. But God will be faithful to get us where we’re supposed to be, and I’m praying now that God will get you back to tip-top shape so you can return to your job in the same capacity (or better!) than what you were able to do before your surgery. At any rate, may you know His peace that passes all understanding as you sit in the unsettling unknowns. You’re so beloved, Susan, and I pray you are feeling better soon. Much love!