Late at night in the dark, when we don’t have to look someone straight in the eyes, even our closest friends, the truth has a way of slipping from our lips.
“Honestly, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if we hadn’t gotten married so young. Or gotten married at all.”
Her voice is shaking. I hear the doubt catch in her throat. As her friend, I want to reach out, hug her close, and tell her it will all be okay — though I have no way of knowing.
Instead, I keep my mouth shut and let her talk.
“Sometimes I think about the guy I dated before him. What if we had ended up together? Or what if I had left home instead of staying here? Would everything be different now? Would everything be better?”
Good friends can sit in the silence together. She has done this for me, too. But in the heavy dark, all I can do is pray for her peace. That she might find whatever she is seeking within the life she has today — or whatever changes might come next.
But I know the weight of this wrestling. For me it often happens when a stranger asks what I studied in college or what I wanted to become when I was younger.
“French and art history,” I answer sheepishly, as if apologizing for the degree now gathering dust. “I thought I was going to teach. Everyone thought I should teach. But I wasn’t sure.”
This is my roundabout way of admitting that my work today has almost nothing to do with the subjects I spent four years studying or the language I spent a decade perfecting. But my life holds good work, holy work, hopeful work I never could have imagined back then. And the many callings I have been given — to marriage, motherhood, friendship, families, and communities — have stretched me in ways I never could have dreamed up in my younger years.
Yet I’m still tempted by alternate versions of my own life, too.
Who hasn’t been distracted by the idle daydream, wondering what-if? What if you had married your high school sweetheart? Or gotten that job and not this one? What if you had switched careers? Or moved across the world? What if you had another child, or none at all?
Alternate versions of our own lives — the what-if ones we might have led — can be as tempting as other people’s experiences.
I’ve even heard the plucky reassurance: “Women can have it all, just not all at once!” But the truth is, we cannot. We have made choices — and had circumstances thrust upon us — that created the contours of one particular life, and no other.
I believe it is good and wise to admit that we can never have it all. Because that truth opens our eyes to see that the one life we do have still holds goodness, beauty, hope, love, and abundance.
You may never be an Olympic athlete. Or a brilliant cook, a talented artist, a best-selling author, or the life of the party. You might never marry your soulmate, raise the family you dreamed of, find the perfect job, or own a place to call your own.
But the more fully you inhabit the life you do have, the more you can come into the presence of God who is fully with you, right here and now.
In his Letter to the Ephesians, Paul speaks to this same truth:
“I, therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace: there is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to the one hope of your calling, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is above all and through all and in all.”
Ephesians 4:1-6 NRSVUE
Paul knew what he was talking about. (He was imprisoned, after all!) Life does not always go the way we hoped or planned. But his words point out the unity we still need within ourselves.
We cannot lead multiple lives: just one. We cannot let regret or distraction consume our thoughts. Right here and now is the real, raw, rough, but beautiful life we have.
The trap comes with thinking that this life is not enough — that we are too small, limited, or powerless to make a difference. But Christ Himself is our hope. This expansive, invigorating, unending hope is enough to fill any life.
You do not need to be more or less. You simply need to be yourself — with God.
“The glory of God is the human person, fully alive,” wrote Irenaeus, a 2nd-century theologian and bishop. When I found his words as a fresh college graduate turning to the work of ministry that now beckoned, I felt my soul leap.
Decades later, his wise words remind me that God dwells fully within and among us — and we glimpse God’s glory most clearly when we are fully alive.
Wherever you are today, the lives you did not lead don’t have to be ghosts that haunt you in the night. And your dreams of what might yet be do not have to become disappointments if they don’t materialize the way you want.
Instead, your one true hope — the “one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all” — can gently remind you that you are living the only life you are called to live.
Because God does not dwell in the lives we did not lead. But in the glory of each one of us, here and now, fully alive.
Beautiful, who among us has not had these thoughts? Your devotional is a blessing. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Terry. Doesn’t it help all of us to know we aren’t alone?
This was so reassuring. I joke sometimes that I didn’t become a lawyer, so I married one. So many what ifs in my life. But I am in a good place, even if it is not what I had expected or planned. It isn’t always easy, but my trust in God gets me through.
So true – sometimes we can’t see in the moment how God will bring something full circle in a way we never expected!
Even though…. May I be fully alive in the life I have now, which is filled with good things. Thanks for the affirmation. After many years, I still hold onto Irenaeus’ words; they’re so good.
Laura, your thoughts on disappointment are uniquely encouraging.
Thank you so much, Donna. I love those words from Irenaeus too – they shine with such hope!
Thank you so much for writing this Laura!
Thank you, Terry!
Dear Laura……………Oh, my gosh. Your words in your devotion today should be read by everyone. It is so true. When I was just out of college where I spent 4 years studying to be a teacher, which I didn’t feel was what was something I really wanted. My third year in college after connecting with who I thought was my soulmate the year before, I spent all free time with him. He was just the right guy. He reminded me so much for my father. That year was like magic to me. I started in my head planning what we would do after we graduated college, Job, engagement, where we wanted to love etc. Well, I was so wrong and when the fourth year of college started, he did not show up. No phone call, no anything. My roommate was not back yet so I headed to our student center where I ran into my loves roommate and asked him if he was back yet. He gave me an odd look and said, “Didn’t he tell you?” I said, “Tell me what?” He said I can’t believe he left this for me to tell you. He transferred to another college”. I started crying and yelling and feeling like this had to be a dream. His roommate cried along with me as he knew how much I loved this guy. I ran back to my dorm and just had so many questions. I ended up having a nervous breakdown. There is more to this story, but it is too much. So after college was over I did date another guy from the high school we both graduated from. Next, bombshell……..He date raped me one night and 3 weeks later I knew I was pregnant. Didn’t know what to do and he said, “It is easy. Just get an abortion and we can breakup.” I looked at him and said, Oh, easy, except for one caveat, I am NOT getting an abortion. Back in the 60’s, the woman was usually blamed for this happening. Therefore, I either had to marry him or have the baby on my own. Neither of us wanted to marry the other, but I just was afraid to tell my parents what really happened and so we got married. It was one of the worst days of my life. I kept asking God, Why has this happened to me? I did not get an answer. I wondered if I had done something that He was mad at me as I know He plans out our lives even before we are born. I had a very difficult pregnancy and almost lost the baby twice. There were problems with the delivery as back then our General Practitioner was still delivering our babies. He was very small as if you can believe this, my doctor told me at the beginning of your 8th month, no more intimacy with your husband. Well, he said to me.You are my wife and you owe it to me and he actually raped me again. He was in the National Guard and had gone back to base. During that night, I woke up, wet. I thought, the baby must be laying on something that made me go in my sleep. I didn’t tell my mother until they came home from work that night. She said are you not in labor. No, I don’t have any pain. Because of what he had done to me the baby was not ready to come and so I went to the hospital. The cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times, but fortunately my doctor got it unwrapped and finally the baby cried and so did I. They would not even let me see the baby as he only weighed 6 pounds. This story goes on and on, but I have taken up enough of your time. I really wondered then, what it would have been had I married my soulmate, but we can’t go back and later I found that he married, had 1 child, but some years later he was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. The details were hidden. Maybe you have read some of my other comments, but my husband has the violent form of dementia and tried to kill me, my son said I was lying to him and he was disowning me from his life and I could never see my one grandchild again. He was 11 then and is now 15. I am heartbroken every day about this. I pray and pray and pray. Maybe the Lord is working behind the scenes to fix this. So much more to this part of my life too. It still has not been resolved and it is going on for almost 5 years now. Laura, I apologize for going on and on, but I will save your devotion and keep reading your words. I am sure they will help. Love to you and wish you a week filled with joy. I am alone. All my relatives are gone from the earth, but I know that they are with God. Sometimes, I just wish they were back to help me. Thank you, but loneliness is one of the hardest things I have had to face……..Betsy
Oh Betsy. You continue to be in my prayers. There is so much suffering in this life, so many ways that we struggle to know why God allows such pain and heartache. Praying with you in that great mystery and hoping that God’s light will shine on you in ways you cannot yet imagine.
Wow! Did I need to hear this.
Thank you, Gail! Grateful this spoke to you.
AWESOME !!
Thank you, Julie! Blessings on you today.
WOW, Laura. Such an amazing and impactful word. Thank you for being obedient to your calling.
♥ Christine
Thank you so much, Christine! Grateful for your encouragement.
Laura,
You are so right. We can only live life forward. Together we can help one another…listening helps. Thank you for your thoughtful devotion.
Sending you summer JOY,
Lisa Wilt
Thank you so much, Lisa! We do help each other make our way forward – what a gift.
Incredibly relatable. I grew up moving around a lot (because of my parents’ work), and have lived in 4 different countries, so I often feel keenly aware of how life can change in an instant based on a single choice. It can be tempting sometimes to get bogged down in my “what if’s” — but as you say, it’s about being with God, wherever we are.