Recently, I found a pic of me, all chubby and smiley at 3 years old, standing in front of my cousin’s pool. My cousin’s family and my family lived on the same lane, called O’Neill Lane. Everyone living on that lane had the last name of O’Neill.
As a kid, it felt rather “bougie” to have access to a pool every single day of the summer. At the time, I basically thought we were the Ewings on Dallas.
Note: We definitely weren’t the Ewings. But with a well of extended family that ran as deep as it ran wide, we had wealth in relatives.
What’s more, I had a good number of friends.
At 18, I left O’Neill Lane for the university 50 miles “down the road.” While there, I began dating one David Strong. When things turned serious, we started talking about marriage. Since David was in the process of becoming an officer in the United States Air Force, I knew that hitching my horse to his wagon meant we’d most likely leave Oklahoma.
Sure enough, after marrying, we moved to our first duty station in Ohio. About 10 minutes after arriving, my husband left town for training. I still remember looking out our apartment window and thinking about how I went from knowing almost everyone to knowing not a single soul.
What I know now is that making friends is an art and a skill, and back then I didn’t have much of either. Why would I? Because I’d organically grown up with friends, by and large, I never had to make them. And let me tell you, in those early years of living away from O’Neill Lane, I made mistake after mistake that completely sabotaged my efforts to find new friends in my new state.
Here are three ways I sabotaged my effort to make friends — and how I learned to supercharge my friendships instead:
1. I expected others to put in the work to become friends that I wasn’t willing to put in myself. When I transferred as a senior music major to a college in Ohio, I assumed it would be obvious to those within my small music school that I was the new person. Therefore, I expected other people to introduce themselves to me and welcome me into their circles. I didn’t realize I had to put in the work myself to “go first” in that regard. And while this was hard because it was new to me, it was still easier to do in an environment full of people around the same age and stage of life. The older we are, the harder this is because we have to be more intentional about meeting people. But whether you’re 18 or 80, when you’re diligent to put in that time and effort, you will reap the rewards of a harvest of friendships.
2. I adopted a victim mentality. When my efforts to connect were rejected, I adopted a victim mentality; I coughed up excuse after excuse as to why I couldn’t make friends.
- I can’t find friends here because no one is interested in knowing me.
- I can’t find friends here because people aren’t as friendly as they are in Oklahoma.
- I can’t find friends here because all the people already have their people.
And while some of that was absolutely true (when you transfer colleges as a senior, people do already have their people!), I let those excuses be the beginning and end of the matter. I was like the invalid by the Bethesda pool who wanted the waters to heal him, but when Jesus asked, “Do you want to get well?” he made excuses. The invalid was genuinely handicapped by his circumstances, but with Jesus, he wasn’t completely helpless. When Jesus told the invalid to “Get up!”, the man got up. I sensed Jesus asking me to Get up! rather than sit on the belief that I was set up for failure. And eventually, that intentional time and effort spent “getting up” and meeting others paid off in friendships.
3. I set sky-high expectations that no human could ever meet. Confession: I used to be a needy friend. This propensity meant that when I finally made a connection with someone, I could bring the “extra” and overwhelm her with high expectations. Not surprisingly, this acted as friendship repellent. But what acts as friendship magnetism? Spending time with Jesus — the only Friend who isn’t deterred by our neediness and wants every last drop of it. When I began to go to Him first with whatever was on my heart, I stopped behaving as if my friend was my savior. When I rested in the security of my relationship with Jesus, my insecurities melted away. And therefore my friend and I enjoyed a friendship of relaxed camaraderie.
In sharing my pitfalls, I pray I help you avoid making your own. What’s more, I want you to understand that there are glorious possibilities that await you in finding friends. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been the mean girl, the needy girl, the shy girl, the nervous or wary girl, or you’ve been the girl who has done the work of both people in a friendship. It’s possible for you to find your friends too.
I’m far from a perfect friend, but by God’s grace, I have a five-star group of friends today. It’s my prayer you have the same. But if you don’t, I ask that you don’t give up. Keep at it, and victory will be yours.
Kristen has written a brand new book on friendship, Desperate Woman Seeks Friends, that releases today! Find it here or wherever you like to purchase books.
Hey Friend!
How wise, how relevant, and how helpful is this post?! Well done! And huge congratulations on your book release!
This is encouraging to me. As an introvert, I struggle to go first. Even with new people in my environment. I want to do better with this. I don’t want anyone to feel unwelcome, but admittedly I often stand back and let those who are gifted welcomers go first.
Kristin,
I’m excited about your book and I absolutely love the cover!
Sending you friendly joy, Lisa Wilt
I was hurt and grieved for a very long time by the sudden “loss” of several dear friends — one such loss was a 30 year friendship ending very abruptly… I swore I would never, ever make another friend because the hurt was just too great
Then, I joined a Church, women’s group, and recently a 12-step program.
God has restored what was lost to me 10 fold and I am so grateful…these women counsel me, edify, encourage, pray for and love me. And I do the same for them. He IS so good and faithful to provide!
Dear Kristen……..Your devotion today was very interesting and I have been through this. Due to very serious problems, I was forced to move 3 times in the past 4 years. The first move was when I had to sell the house due to my then husband having the violent type of dementia and would not do what the doctors told him to. The number 1 thing that was totally necessary was to stop drinking all together. Instead he increased his drinking and every night due to his dementia and the excessive drinking he would go into what they call “dementia rages” and for 3+ years he abused me every night until 1 night he attempted to kill me. That was the end, everyone told me I had to stop trying to get him to realize what he was doing, I needed to start thinking about my own safety so I took the action suggested by my 4 support groups and the police. I have moved in and out of 2 Senior Living places that did not work out and now, at almost 78 years old, I find myself alone and living in yet another Senior Independent Living facility. This one is worse that the others. Now, Kristen, your words about friend I read a couple of times. When my husband and I lived in our house of 40 years, when he was evicted due to his condition and I ended up a couple of months later, having to sell the house as it was a large home and I just did not have the money or the strength to keep it going. As you mentioned about you having your large amount of friends in your home that you lived in first. I did too. I am an individual who usually have no problems making friends as my 45 year work years, the 2 jobs that made up those years, one for 10 years and the 2nd one for 35 years required me to be able to make friends and solve problems. As a manager, you need to know how to handle many different situations. No problems with either job making friends once they realized they could trust me. Ok, all that to get to the problem in both Senior living facilities. Where I am living right now is worse than the 1st facility I lived in which is why I moved from there. This place where I live houses 100 residents that I would say 90% of them have very serious physical problems. That is not independent living and we have no available care available here and nobody to help us and those of us that don’t have any of their conditions and want to help them by talking and encouraging them ; however management tells us we cannot do this. In the 18 months I have lived here I have seen many people fall and we don’t follow the rules of ” not helping them”. We are not going to watch someone take a bad fall and watch them lay on the ground until someone gets there. Our few managers that we have here are never around so we call 911 so that we can get them help. I have tried to make friends with so many people and I have “cracked” some of the most difficult people by just going back to them time after time until they trust me. I have my circle of friends here but the turnover is many so just when you get to know them, they move out due to the conditions in this facility. I am not one to give up so I will continue to try and make friends. This may sound silly, Kristen, but the way I dress is a roadblock to me. Many of them think because I still dress the way I have all my life. I had to dress professionally in my 2 jobs, so when many of the women who don’t give me a chance think I am “Miss Priss” and what am I doing here. I can’t tell them my emotional problems as they would not understand. So, Kristen, I have taken up enough of your time. When my assets in my divorce are finally finished, I will move out, because with the chaos here, it just is depressing for us all and the season that I am in, all I would like to do is live out my life in peace, joy and love. I will continue to pray and hope for eventually some answers to my prayers. Kristen, thank you for your devotion. It is very good with great advice. I send my love to you and wish you a Blessed Week. Betsy