A close friend recently confided in me about her struggle to honor her parents, especially when she feels they haven’t earned such honor. As we talked, I realized that the issue wasn’t just about honor — it was also about boundaries. Since that conversation, I’ve noticed this is a common challenge for many.

Yet, we are called to be uncommon in a common world. 

So, how do we honor our parents as adults while maintaining healthy boundaries?

I’ve wrestled with this in my own life. When my husband, Darian, and I were first married, we had to navigate what it meant to build our own life and learn to say no to our parents. I’ll never forget the first time we had to miss my sweet mother-in-law’s birthday. She was devastated, and her feelings were hurt. I can remember thinking to myself, “Oh no, what did I get myself into?” Unpleasant words were exchanged among siblings, tears were shed, and I was frustrated. My husband didn’t know how to navigate all the different personalities and expectations.

We made it a priority to talk through that event and even reached a compromise. Neither Darian nor I ever intended to hurt his mom’s feelings. But we recognized that even though our boundary was healthy, she was still hurt, so we apologized, honored her, and celebrated her on a day that worked for all of us.

It’s now been three decades as a married couple choosing to maintain wise boundaries (and potentially disappointing someone) while still seeking to love and respect our parents. 

The Bible has a lot to say on this topic, but let’s go straight to the words of Jesus. In Matthew 15:4 (NIV), Jesus says: “For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother must be put to death.’”

Wow! That sounds harsh at first. The context here is a controversial discussion between Jesus and the self-righteous religious leaders of His time. Jesus was quoting Moses’ writings, which outlined the laws God gave to the Israelites, including the importance of honoring parents. However, the Pharisees had twisted these laws to better suit themselves. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to enforce the laws — they just didn’t want to be held accountable by them.

When we read this, the punishment does seem extreme. I wish I had the time today to dive into how Jesus bore the penalty for sin on our behalf, or how this law was meant to protect the Israelites from the spread of evil, perversion, and dishonor — or even how dishonor could corrupt the lineage through which our Savior would come. But instead of getting stuck on a Scripture that might feel hard to grasp, I’m siding with Jesus and what He’s speaking to my heart right now.

It’s about keeping my heart in the right place rather than being like a Pharisee and justifying my actions. This was the same stance I had to take in those early years of marriage with both of our parents, even when my emotions didn’t want to.

This entire passage of Scripture speaks to a heart condition. Honoring our parents, even when we feel like they don’t deserve it or haven’t earned it, reflects the depth of our love — the kind of love that isn’t based on what we get in return. That’s not to say it’s easy. My friend described years of abuse, hurtful words, and unimaginable actions. So, how do we honor that?

Her situation is more complex than most. For some of us, the tension might come from parents being intrusive about how we parent our kids, manage our home, spend our time, or engage in relationships. Whatever the reason, honoring our parents as adults seems to be a place of tension in many people’s lives. 

We must remember that we are called to honor the position our parents hold — not necessarily their actions. Showing love and honor doesn’t mean we condone if they’ve treated us poorly, spoken hurtful words, or acted contrary to God’s Word and ways. Honoring our parents is often an act of forgiveness — choosing to let go of bitterness or offense, no matter their actions. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the need for boundaries, conversations, or consequences. It simply means we are choosing not to become bitter or offended, regardless of their actions. We refuse to let their actions poison our hearts.

We can show this love and forgiveness in how we speak to and about our parents. Too often, I hear people constantly complaining about their parents — saying things that, while true, don’t need to be spoken. Even when our parents hurt us, frustrate us, or act out of malice, we can still honor them by choosing words of love.

We can still do what the Lord tells us to do, even when our mom or dad doesn’t.

Honoring our parents doesn’t mean inviting them into every aspect of our lives, especially if their toxicity affects our well-being. On the other hand, just because a parent hurts your feelings doesn’t mean you should cut them out of your life entirely. However, if their actions are truly harmful to you or those around you, it’s okay — and even necessary — to set boundaries. 

Still, we shouldn’t respond to evil with evil. As someone wisely said, “I’m not going to become unhealthy while dealing with unhealth.” We can show honor by being kind, patient, and loving. By holding our tongues. By remembering important dates, reaching out, and keeping the peace. 

The key is to make sure your heart lines up with the Bible as you navigate those decisions. 

In short, we honor our parents by being doers of God’s Word, not just hearers. As Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT) says: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

If you’re struggling to determine whether your parents deserve honor, remember that God’s Kingdom doesn’t operate on what people deserve. It operates on grace. Honor is a matter of the heart. When Jesus spoke with the religious leaders, He addressed hearts that only wanted to justify their actions rather than obey God’s Word. When we approach our parents with a heart full of love, honor flows naturally. 

I’m so glad we didn’t allow emotional or hurtful moments to define how I honored my mother-in-law or my parents. Following the Lord’s trustworthy direction is always better than following my fickle feelings. 

 

Listen to Tyra’s devotion here or on your favorite podcast app.

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