Several years ago, a leader in my community called me into her office, positioned herself across from me, and began an interrogation. Someone had led her to misinterpret something I’d said, and she conjured up a crazy story casting me as the villain. This leader then used concocted evidence to condemn me and was convinced I should be heavily penalized. To say I was blindsided and stunned by her false accusations would be an understatement. I greatly admired and respected this woman, had often spoken highly of her, and had even tried to emulate her. Therefore, I was brokenhearted— paralyzed—by the perceived joy she took in tormenting me from her position of power.
As she spewed threats, I cried excessively. Drained, deeply wounded, and bewildered, I dragged myself home to my one-bedroom apartment. Alone and sulking, I began sobbing out a prayer—a prayer for REVENGE! I cried out for my gracious, kind, and merciful God to avenge me. I actually prayed, “God, how are You going to get back at her for what she did to me?” Can you believe that? You see, my struggle to forgive those who intentionally harm me is real! But there in my bedroom, in the midst of my excruciating, suffocating pain, where murderous thoughts tasted like sweet justice amid bitter tears, where the hurt accessed the massive, ugly monster parts of my humanity, God’s presence gently interrupted.
Sweetly, calmly, and omnipotently, God spoke: “You can forgive her.”
I wish I could tell you that I instantly expressed gratitude to God and my desire for retaliation was resolved. Nope! Instead, I was offended that God would speak of forgiveness while I was in so much pain. By my account, the woman who had wronged me needed to suffer. I wanted her to be fired, not forgiven.
Though injured and now insulted, I somehow managed to piece together a few life-giving words and fashion a prayer for my offender that more closely reflected the character of God. I asked God to bless her and to deliver her from the painful circumstances that had prompted her to falsely accuse and hurt me. But forgiving her would be an entirely different endeavor that seemed impossible at the time.
The wound seemed too massive to ever heal. The pain felt embedded in my psyche. Anger was infused into every part of my soul. I could not will myself to forgive her. I did not want to forgive her. Although I knew forgiveness was in my best interests, my pain made me reason that she did not deserve my forgiveness. I wanted to be free of the overwhelming resentment I felt toward her. But again, was it even possible to recover from this kind of relational destruction, to break free from the bondage of bitterness that entangled my soul? It sure didn’t feel like it.
Come Sit with Me and Learn Together
My road to liberation would be lengthy, arduous, and tumultuous.
I tried all the things that have been prescribed to foster forgiveness. I prayed blessings for her. I read all the Scripture passages about how we’ve been forgiven so we should now forgive. I listened to great messages that outlined formulas for forgiveness. I journaled to get my pain on paper and out of my head. I considered her pain and tried to empathize with her so as not to take her attack personally, because “hurt people hurt people.” I did it all, yet relief did not come.
The path to forgiveness was exhausting. I felt like I was wrestling a mammoth, prehistoric, octopus-like creature. I was overwhelmed by the enormity of its grabby tentacles that squeezed and sucked the life out of me. It was a losing battle. The more effort I put toward forgiving, the more I felt the sting of unforgiveness. And failure to conquer the unforgiveness monster only compounded my unforgiveness with shame. Perhaps you have heard this familiar adage by Marianne Williamson: “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.” Well, drinking the poison seemed easier than exerting the strength to forgive. And because the offense was so painful, the poison of unforgiveness did not even taste toxic.
But inside my poisoned heart, I was terrified that unforgiveness would be the death of me, that somehow I’d be discounted in God’s eyes. It didn’t seem fair or logical that I had been burdened with the responsibility of forgiveness. But what felt like a burden was actually an invitation to know God’s love in the form of patience, compassion, commitment, and consistency.
Cultivating patience, compassion, commitment, and consistency is not prioritized or primarily sought after in our culture of instant gratification. We don’t want to be patient. We don’t want to persevere in navigating interactions with those who wound us. I’m sure you know what I mean. When your soul has been deeply injured, you want immediate relief from the pain. You don’t want to have to figure out what to say the next time you are in the room with that longtime, trusted friend who betrayed you. You don’t want to have to continue working under the revered leader who spiritually abused you. You just want to detach from the source of your pain. The desire to flee is understandable because it is a natural psychological response of protection. Trust me, I’ve been there. But disengaging from the pain is not the only thing necessary for our healing.
When avoidance isn’t possible and relief from your pain isn’t immediate, remember that you have been graced with time.
Over time—and I mean many, many years—the unforgiveness monster loosened its chokehold on me. Little by little its tentacles released their grip, or maybe I grew stronger in my ability to resist. Perhaps both. Either way, the change was so subtle, so gradual, I almost didn’t feel it until I realized I was actually free.
I realized that I needed time more than I needed to implement a forgiveness formula. God met me in my stifled unforgiveness and gifted me with unhurried space to process. God stayed with me, and together we cultivated seeds of forgiveness that needed time to take root and blossom.
Forgiveness did not come through an apology. Forgiveness was not ushered in by a reconciled relationship. I’m sure that my offender still thinks her attack on me was justified. But in that place where the hurt stuck to me and I staved off forgiveness, God met me, stayed with me, and sustained me.
Romans 5:3–4 says, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation” (NLT). We live in an imperfect world where it’s inevitable that we will get hurt. Like you, I certainly do not welcome the pain. But I know that even though I am going to encounter people who, whether intentionally or unintentionally, will hurt me, I can trust God with my heart. Our patient, compassionate, committed, consistent God will hold my assaulted and bruised heart in His hands and nurture me until I feel whole again.
You can trust Him with your heart too.
Questions to Sit With
Ask Yourself
1. What wounds from my past am I allowing to still fester in my heart?
2. Who do I need to forgive today?
3. How has God met me on my long road of pain and brokenness?
Ask God
1. How do You see the person who wronged me?
2. What do You want to teach me or show me through my journey to forgive?
3. Show me my unattended wounds that need time with You.
By Lucretia Berry, adapted from her chapter in (in)courage’s book, Come Sit with Me: How to Delight in Differences, Love through Disagreements, and Live with Discomfort. Get this powerful resource to go through on your own, with a friend, or small group.
This was more helpful than you can possibly imagine. Too much to write about my situation but suffice to say, this is greatly appreciated. For all of us who have had trust broken and who have been hurt by unkind words and accusations, I thank you. The fact that it took so long to come to terms gives me hope.
Ouch, this hit me like a ton of bricks. It is very evident now that time is exactly what I require in my similar situation. I have tried all of your exact same steps, and let me tell you, the pain and memories just hit you even harder each time.
Ever thankful for God’s grace and mercy to see us through these times and show us other ways of mending. He surely paid a heavy price for us!
Thank you. There is much wisdom in these words.
Lucretia,
I was blindsided at church. We were having a meal & I took in some take home boxes for my hubby. This lady took me to another room & lashed out how dare I get food before anyone eats. I wasn’t going to do that. Then later after everyone ate I got some items & she hit me again with that’s enough. I offered to help with clean up & all she said was we’ve got this just go leave. It hurt really bad. I thought about leaving that church & finding yet another one. But God got to me and told me to pray for my enemies. She had lost her husband 15 years ago & now the dog she got was dying. I prayed really hard for her. Still upset a few weeks later. Eventually we both got over it. She sent me a Christmas card & we hug. I think she was simply upset over losing her dog & took it out on me.
Blessings 🙂
This is helping me. I was told that you have to forgive a person immediately. I said I did but my heart still hurt. I was still angry while they were all living their lives and believing they had killed me spiritually. I went through reading the books, listening to others tell how they forgave and wishing I could do the same. It’s still a work in progress. Nobody said it would take time.
This is helping me. I didn’t know it took time. But my heart still hurts. I read books and listened to sermons. I was terrified that God wouldn’t hear me anymore. Thank you
Dear Lucretia………….Your words this morning hit me so hard, I couldn’t breathe. I have had these situations throughout my life and I am 77 years old. Most of them I have been able to forgive them after a long time and all my prayers and reading the Bible; however, this last one was too much. I had been married for 54 years, had 1 child and 1 grandchild who at the time this occurred was 11 years old. My son, 54 years old. My husband had the violent type of dementia. I got him to the neurologist and he took the tests and the scans and was diagnosed with this disease. The doctors said he was fortunate that I saw it so early. They told him he had so completely stop the alcohol and take the 2 medication that could slow the progress. As we all know there is no cure for Alzheimers or dementia, but this was hope. Unfortunately, my husband refused to believe the doctors and flushed the medication down the toilet and instead of stopping the heavy drinking, he increased the amount he was drinking which sent him into Dementia Rages where he abused me and hurt me every night for 3+ years and 10 minutes later, he forgot it, but I didn’t. I had been leaving voicemails to my son every week updating him on his father. He kept saying I was lying and it was only old age. This continued for years until one night my son called me and said that I was a liar and he hated me and he was disowning me as his mother and I would never be able to see or even talk to my grandson ever again and now he is going to be 15. No communication from either.I needed to tell you this story so you would understand how I am connecting to your Devotion, Lucretia. This was my only family. All the rest had passed on. I was devastated to say the least and cried for days, weeks, years. No matter how hard and how much I prayed, I still did not know what to do. I told The Lord that while I thought I could certainly forgive my husband as he is sick, but my son, even though I tried, my heart would not let me. It had just been broken so many times by my son, this I did not think I could do. My husband and I did not bring him up this way. He was the sweetest, kindest, generous young man from baby to when he was 35 years old and got engaged to a girl 10 years younger that him. I knew from the first time we met here, she had problems. She hated her own mother so how did I even stand a chance? Well, I didn’t. She was able to change him over to the way she felt. To think at my age this would happen is something I still can’t even imagine that it was true. My son eventually found out his father was very ill, and so I thought he would come back to me, but that has never happened. He has called me a street drug addict, a grand liar and so many more obscene names. This story has so much more, but too much more to write here. So, Lucretia, to answer your question, this is who I should forgive today, but I am not ready. It’s going to take more time and prayer. It is my grandson that I am so worried about as his parent never had him baptized or given the chance to go to Sunday school and be raised with the church, be confirmed and take his first Holy Communion. I know he would have loved this and a begged, pleaded, got on my knees and then switched to yelling, screaming and telling them how this would effect the baby, but “NO” was their answer, another heartbreaking thing to me. I am sorry that I have gone on so long, but I loved your devotion and your honesty to tell us your story. I thought I was the only one that suffered this thing. Thank you for your words and as I am very emotional right now, I will read your words again after lunch after I can calm myself down. I send my prayers to you and my love as without the women from the (incourage) community, I don’t think I could survive………………….Betsy Basile
Lucretia yes forgiveness is exhausting. But we the saved have to do it as it says in God’s word to do it. If we read in Colossians 3:13 it says ” Bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone of you has a complaint against another even as Christ forgave you so also must do” It not easy especially if you been hurt by someone who was not meant to hurt you but love you. Even when they hurt you with the words they said to you or the things they did to your Family. As if you don’t forgive them you can’t begin to heal as Jesus would want you do. As you will hold bitterness and hate for them. Jesus wouldn’t want you to ever do that he wants you to still love them like he loves you. Yes you will never forget what they did. When you do this you can move on from it. See the person in the light and Love Jesus would want you too. You have to think of this way. Jesus has forgiven you for all the wrong you done to him in word thought your sin and deed when you got saved. Jesus remembers it no more. As I had suitation that a person said something to me that was not nice. They shouldn’t have said it at all it hurts badly and they were meant to love me. They had done lots of things wrong that they shouldn’t have done and they hurt more than one person when alive by them. They the person forgive them when alive that they had hurt as if didn’t they wouldn’t have been able to speak to them and make friends with them. I was the same after they said what they did to me. I was very hurt. Only it was right thing to do in God’s eyes as his words tell us to do that are saved. I would have never forgave them for what they said. They still are not saved. I pray for them and there salvation. I had to say to tell them that I love them and I have forgiven you for the wrong you done to me with your words and to this other person when alive. As if I didn’t do that I wouldn’t be helping you today and the days I do. I do what I do for you for the Love of the Lord and the Love of you. I told them I was also praying for them and there salvation. I feel so much better that I done the right thing in God’s eyes and forgave them. Yes it was hard at the time. But if I not I wouldn’t be helping them the days I do. I will never forget all they done and said to me. But every time I help them now I forgiven them in God’s eyes as it right thing to do. It doesn’t hurt anymore. I go to help them in the Love of the Lord and them. I keep every so often telling them I am praying for there salvation and that I will never stop praying for them. Thank you for this good word. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland xx
My soul needed this. It’s so easy to get angry and upset at the daily news of people being hurt by the decisions of others, and my prayers need to reflect grace for everyone involved.
Thank you for this incouraging post. It is a difficult road, but I know God is God and will walk with us. It hurts so bad when someone we love hurts us. I pray we all feel God’s Tender Loving hands on our hearts, spirit and souls. I know I also need to forgive myself and ask God to be my everything. It’s a process and it takes time, and most of all our Trust & Hope in God, the One who knows us best and knows all. I pray for all the ladies as we walk through this life, that we would feel God’s presence with us loving us no matter what and guiding us to a better understanding of His Forgiveness.
Powerfully authentic and wonderfully transparent. Thank you for bringing realism to the practice of forgiveness. Your journey is surprisingly common yet so infrequently shared. You reminded us that God’s grace – and time – remain key in healing the emotional pain of deeply inflicted wounds.
Thank you for helping us see how every surrendered thought and release-purposed action propels us towards the Christ infused response we hope for in every God-gifted area of our lives.
Lucretia
I’m so sorry you experienced this. Thank you for sharing. I know it resonates with me and well with many others! Forgiveness is a slow and steady journey as we walk in the spirit