I sat in bed, covers tucked around me, journal perched on my lap, and pen poised in my hand. I stared at the 100-year-old plaster walls of the lovely guestroom I had graciously been invited to occupy. After a full day of active listening, learning, note-taking, worshipping, telling my story, and listening to others tell theirs, I was exhausted. Grateful, but exhausted.
I had driven five hours to attend a Soul Care Conference. I honestly didn’t know what to expect from this three-day experience. But it had been a long time since I’d gotten away — just me and Jesus — and I was expectant.
Lord, I want to receive everything you have for me in this, I kept praying.
Part of me wanted to melt into the cozy sheets and let my heart and brain process the day as I slept. But I sensed the Lord had something for me. I opened my journal and started with gratitude. I tried to reflect on key takeaways from the day, but my mind was all over the place. I felt stirred up — but also stuck.
So I asked, “God, what do You want to talk to me about?”
Side note: This is always a great question because God’s agenda always wins.
God said, “Talk to Me about the memories.”
Instantly, I knew what He meant. Throughout the day, “random” memories, thoughts, and images from seasons of my life long past suddenly came to mind. We were told from the stage that this was a common occurrence at this kind of conference, so pay attention and keep a running list. I made a little list in a small corner on the inner page of my program packet.
But I didn’t want to talk to God about that list or the memories on it.
The words of Dr. Rob Reimer rang in my heart: “God isn’t trying to make you feel bad, He’s trying to get you free.”
Talk to Me about the memories.
So one by one, I wrote down all the memories. Like watching a movie, scenes of my childhood and adolescence unfolded with searing clarity, details long forgotten in the vault of time, grief, and shame. I remembered the sin of others — that which was pointed at me and perpetrated against me, as well as the jagged edges of sin that grazed me merely because I was nearby. I remembered my own willful disobedience, covered by layers of lies and guilt, avoidance and denial.
“But Lord, it’s been so long,” I cried. “I’ve changed. The ones who hurt me have changed. I’m no longer bound by those chains. I know You and love You. I’ve received Your forgiveness. Why do we have to dredge up past hurt?”
In the most gracious, compassionate, loving voice, God spoke to my spirit, “Seventeen-year-old Becky is still in bondage. I’m here to get her free.”
I wept.
I had been so focused on my current circumstances and spiritual growth that I was totally unaware of my shackles to past shame. I didn’t realize how secrets long buried, minimized, or swept under the rug of “it’s not that bad” or “it could have been worse” were holding part of my soul hostage to the full healing Jesus wanted to give me.
For the next hour, I cried and prayed and repented. I brought all my brokenness to the foot of the cross. I held nothing back. I told Jesus (and myself) the truth about the ways I had been deeply wounded and the depth of my sin. I forgave others. I forgave myself. I received the fullness of God’s merciful forgiveness.
“There is no freedom without honesty; there is no breakthrough without brokenness,” Dr. Reimer writes in his book Soul Care.
I hadn’t tried to be dishonest with God. But sadly we are masters at self-deception. That night, in a tucked away guestroom 300 miles from home, the Lord loved me enough to bring me face to face with my soul-deep sorrow and shame. Together, we confronted the darkness and Jesus walked me into the light of wholeness.
In John 8:32 (CSB) Jesus said, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Our salvation in Christ isn’t just something we know in our heads once and for all — it’s a truth we’re invited to experience and live out daily. As we continually engage with the person of Jesus who is truth embodied, we will continue to experience new levels of freedom in Him.
Dr. Reimer explains it like this: “The beautiful message of the gospel is that though you are deeply flawed, you are even more deeply loved. God invites you to come into the light. God cannot cleanse our excuses. God cannot pardon our denials. God cannot cleanse that which we will not confess. God cannot heal that which we will not admit. There is no freedom without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without repentance.”
I woke up the next morning with eyes puffy from crying and a soul set free.
God did not strongarm me into seeing the heaviness of my unconfessed sin or the gravity of my unforgiveness. His kindness led me to repentance. That’s who God is.
Friend, today God is inviting you to step into the light. Maybe you instantly know the memories you need to address and confess. Maybe you feel stirred up but stuck. Wherever you’re at today ask:
God, what do You want to talk to me about?
Then listen. Respond. Confess. Repent. Live freer than you thought possible.
Becky,
God is so sweet to reveal himself like this. It is so beautiful to see how the Holy Spirit gently ushered you in to this place of confession and repentance, to teach you a new thing you didn’t expect (nor would I!!). You’ve given me thoughts to linger in today…what is God showing me through YOUR experience? Isn’t that His kindness?? I loved this devo (and love you most!). xo
Thank you, Robin! I love the questions you’re asking. Yes, His kindness is always pursuing, often surprising, and continually working for our restoration and healing. What a good good Father we have! Love you, too!
Becky love what you have wrote in today’s devotion. So often we find it hard to go to God and help to freely repent to live freely. As we say I don’t want God to know what I did or said that was wrong in God’s eyes. Sometime we think what we have done or said is ok nothing wrong with it. We then think everything is ok. But as the days go by then sometimes into week. We get a little on easy with what we did or said that we shouldn’t have done at all. We don’t get a piece about it. It never seems to go away what we have done or said that we shouldn’t have done. That is God’s Holy Spirit prompting us to see our wrong in what we either did or said that was especially round in God’s eyes. It is also God giving us a chance to repent of it to him in prayer and if need to say sorry to the person we said or what we did it to them asking them to forgive us. Until we do that it never goes away or anything else we did in the Lord’s eyes that is wrong. It is never easy after praying to God about it and repenting for what you did and asking God to forgive you. Help you never do it again and change your life to live as he wants you to live. That you don’t do things like this ever again. Asking God to give you the strength to go to the person you did the wrong to. The person who you did to might not want to see you. Then you have to ask God to make the person you did this to listen to you saying sorry and asking them to forgive you. Know you mean it from your heart. Know you will not do it to them again. Then put it behind you and hopefully the person you did it will forgive you and you both make friends again. Keeping asking God to help you not do it again and live as his words tells you. Yes it hard but with God’s help you can do it so you will never do it again. I been there and it hard but with God’s help you can do. You can know God has also forgiveb you and so has your friend. When you repented to God in prayer about it. I say Amen to that. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland xx
Dawn, thank you for being here today and reading! I love knowing we have sisters in Christ all over the world who are collectively being rooted in God’s truth and living it out. How great is our Lord that He has conquered all sin and brokenness and death that we might be fully restored to Him. Blessed be His name!
Thank you for your lovely reply Becky to what I wrote. Yes I am glad we are sisters in Christ. Even if we live the other side of the world from either and don’t get to see either this side of earth. We will one day in Glory Heaven I say Amen to that. In my prayers all of you at incourage and your families too. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland xx
Dear Becky…I am so stuck, I don’t think I will get out. I have done everything you said you asked God and then told Him. I have asked Him over and over and He does not tell me so I “spill my guts” hoping something in what I said will be what He needs to know. I have so many problems coming about me including a very large sum of money that in the divorce decree was approved and then 2 weeks later, they took it out without telling me and gave it back to my ex-husband. They will not speak to me or my attorney which scares me that they won’t talk to him. Someone, somewhere along the line made a very big mistake that has affected me in a very emotional way as that is my lifeline to live on. I have done things wrong in the past, but I always prayed to the Lord to forgive me for my sin. I can’t think of anything else I did badly and did not ask for forgiveness. I am so very sad, depressed with anxiety that lately I think there is only one more thing I can do and that is to give up. I help so many people here where I live with 100 other residents. I have done little things to make them feel better and even given some money when they were on the verge of being evicted. Many people here have told me that they pray for me and what my problems are. I did not reveal my struggles as they wouldn’t understand and that neurovirus I had for 3 weeks did not help. I am still trying to completely recover while dealing with all these other things. Becky, I trust you so much. Do you have any advice? Some days, all I do is pray and at times that doesn’t seem like enough, but there is no more time. I have to try and take care of these other things that takes hours on the phone with people that don’t speak or understand English and when it is serious and complicated, they really can’t and won’t help me. That is enough for today as I know you are busy and have things to do. I send my love and prayers to you as you should be Blessed for helping so many of us. WOW! Yea, to the (incourage) women who keep me from giving up…………….Betsy
Oh dear, Betsy, do not give up, sister! Here are a few things that come to mind as I pray for you:
1. You can always hear God’s voice by listening to His Word. If it doesn’t seem like He is speaking directly to your heart or your circumstances, spend time in Scripture. The Bible is alive and active! You will know the Father’s heart and His character through His love story to humanity.
2. Here are some verses you could meditate on when you feel like hope is lost and giving up seems like the only option:
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ” -Galatians 6:9
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -2 Corinthians 4:16-18
3. Keep asking God for wisdom! James 1:5 promises that when we ask He will give it generously.
4. Remember that Jesus understands your heartache. He faced every form of betrayal, sorrow, grief, misunderstanding, and hardship–both in His life and in His suffering on the cross for all our sin and brokenness.
You are so deeply loved. Praying God will carry you through one breath, one moment, one prayer at a time.
Betsy – you’ve mentioned attending church. Perhaps your church has a counseling pastor you can talk to? Just a thought. Love Becky’s suggestions as well. Praying for you.
Beautiful Becky
Thank You
Thank you, D!
Thank you for sharing Becky! This is a spiritual discipline!
Sending you spring joy,
Lisa Wilt
You’re so right, Lisa. Confession, repentance, and forgiveness are indeed spiritual disciplines. I think the Western church often focuses on these things as crucial at the point of conversion, but they are also deeply necessary for our ongoing sanctification — that we may be formed more like Jesus so we can reflect Him to a hurting and desperate world.
In the past, I’ve written my own list, then used a black marker to color over the words and then added pretty floral paper over it as a visual reminder that God has blotted out my sins. I keep it in my Bible, and when I start to rehash my past, I pull out that paper to remind myself I’m forgiven and free.
Maura, that is so beautiful! What a powerful exercise and reminder!
We definitely need the Spirit’s discernment to help us recognize when we have past sins, wounds, lies, or unforgiveness that need to be brought into the light of God’s love so we can get free… and when the enemy is accusing us and tempting us to dwell on that which has already been dealt with.
Thank you for your encouragement. It made me feel that young girl who was abused and abandoned. I too think that as time has passed things can get better. But deep inside is that young girl crying out for healing that only God can provide. I am thankful He is my everything, and the protector of my heart. It’s so important to know He is there and forgives me and will give me the strength to forgive others. My Hope is only in Him, the Peace that passes all understanding as I walk this journey not alone, but with Him by my side. He is my everything.
Beautiful words and a question to dwell on for some time. May we all learn to bring all of ourselves to Him and just pour out our hearts openly.