I wake up with a start, then turn to look at the clock.
3:49am lights up the dark.
I decide to get up and go to the bathroom because I have the bladder of a 3-year-old, and this is what I do.
When I get back to bed, I lie down and close my eyes. But in the 90 seconds, I’ve been awake, my mind is off to the races, mentally rolodexing through the many things I’ve done wrong or gotten wrong during various times of my life. This has been my middle-of-the-night routine for a while now, and I don’t know if it’s because of perimenopause or my own nature that’s prone to dwell on things. Either way, when I start thinking of all my real and perceived past mistakes, it causes my heart to sink to my ankles with the same ol’, same ol’ message: You’ll always be the girl who messes things up — who IS a mess.
So, I do what every sleep expert says I shouldn’t do and grab my phone as a distraction. I watch a few Beverly Hills, 90210 clips because I’m someone who finds comfort in shows from the 1900’s.
But then I decide that listening to a devotional on the Dwell app is a better choice. While the narrator’s slow, steady voice reading Scripture calms my heart rate and centers my thoughts on Christ, it takes me a good half hour to fall back to sleep.
In the morning, my husband, David, comments that he could tell I didn’t sleep very well last night. He asks if anything is wrong, and I immediately start crying. (Can I blame the fact that I cry so easily these days on perimenopause too?)
As he hugs me, I talk into his shoulder, “Well, I guess I’ve just been plagued by this overwhelming thought lately that keeps me awake.”
He responds, “What thought is that?”
I wipe my nose and look up at him, “That I mess things up too much, and that’s the end of the story.”
David draws his head back, “I know you know it doesn’t work that way.”
I reply, “I know that in my head, but not in my heart.”
David answers, “Well, it’s not true for you or anyone. God’s grace is higher and deeper than our mistakes.”
He’s right, of course. But old habits die hard.
Sometime during my teen years, I overheard my dad on the phone. The person on the other end of the line must’ve asked if he ever had to get onto me about school. My dad replied, “Get onto Kristen about homework or grades? Nah, I never have to do that. She’s much harder on herself about that than I could ever be on her.”
At the same time, I grew up believing I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes, and there’s a part of me that believes that is still true today. The hard thing, you see, is that I’m well aware that I’m as flawed as anyone and do make mistakes. And I can begin to believe that, like a checking account with too little money, just maybe my many mistakes and shortcomings are going to overdraw on God’s grace.
Or maybe He simply looks down on me, and with a red magic marker, marks an “F” for failure.
A few nights later, I’m mulling all this over while flipping through a notecard stack of Bible verses I’ve had for years. When I get to this verse, I stop flipping:
“This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.”
1 John 3:19-20 NIV
Now I’m crying yet again (of course!) because the relief I felt from it is palatable.
God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.
God may convict, but He doesn’t condemn. He knows what I’ve done and, from that place of conviction, what I need to ask His forgiveness for. In those times, He forgives because His grace always outruns my very real mistakes. As the Chris Tomlin song, “Indescribable”, says, “He knows the depths of my heart and He loves me the same.”
But He also knows what I’m holding onto from a place of condemnation, and His grace says, Let it go, Kristen, and let it go for good.
Yes, we have personal accountability, and sometimes apologies are necessary. But our mistakes, regrets, failings, and disappointments are never the end of our story. God’s redemptive grace is.
If you’re especially prone to being exceptionally hard on yourself, know that there’s nothing you could do to outrun God’s grace, either. His arms are reaching for you, stretched out wide. How wide? From one of His Son’s nailed hands on the cross to the other. This is how far His grace goes for you.
Take heart: God is not up there wishing you’d get your act together down here. He’s not giving you a grade. He’s giving you His grace. He doesn’t tolerate you, He’s totally taken with you. Because of Christ’s cleansing work on the cross, when God looks at you, He sees His beloved, not a bungled-up mess.
He knows everything, and He adores you just the same.
And that’s the end of the story.
Kristen has a book releasing this spring where she shares stories of God’s redemption following her mistakes in friendship. Learn more about it here.
This is like a page out of my own book. My friends and I are all in our 70s and 80s and those restless nights are the topic of conversation so often. I am sitting here drinking a very large cup of coffee after one of those nights. I pray for rest. It doesn’t always come. I think I don’t trust enough that I am forgiven, that I have God’s grace, that God knows my heart and that I am trying. On my refrigerator is Romans 7:15, 19- I don’t really understand myself… It’s my credo. Perhaps tonight will be different.
Hi Kristen, I have a few things in common with you: my husband’s name is David, I’m in perimenopause, and whenever I would see the letter “F” all by itself, I thought God it was God telling me I’m failing in life. (I used to struggle with condemning thoughts really a lot). I’m praying for you this morning. Praise God His mercies are new every morning. And praise Him that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus! Praise God for the healing He has done in our lives. For me it was the healing power of His Word and drawing near Him first thing in the morning- reading His Word and praying to Him, and sitting in silence every day for a few minutes to pause and just be with Him. May the Lord bless you and your ministry.
thank you for being so truthful. You are not the only one who feels like this.
Oh Kristen, I just love your posts, and think we’d be great friends, if I wasn’t so introverted, lol! I am so very hard on myself and I have such trouble believing that God isn’t disappointed with me, so your devo was like a big old hug. Thank you!
Kristen.
I have to smile because I can relate to waking up in the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes my mind is racing, but other times I am peaceful, and I look at it as time to spend with Jesus! I am so grateful for podcasts like u-version where I can listen to God‘s word in the middle of the night. It’s always so calming.
Sending you spring joy,
Lisa Wilt
Thank you for this Word!! So encouraging!
Dear Kristen……I was reading your story this morning about 9AM and still a little drowsy due to not enough sleep and then I got to your sentence about your mind ” mentally rolodexing ” and I instantly woke up and thought. That is ME ! What a great way to put it. Hope you don’t mind if I use that phrase to make my friends understand my mind and how it works. I think about so many problems that I have to try and resolve the next day, and my mind just keeps rolling about other things that I may have done wrong and sometimes, at 77 years old I start thinking I am a failure. I have always been prone to dwell on things all my life. If you look at astrology, as a Virgo, that is our personality and I fit right in there. I read some astrology for my sign, but it is just something that my roommate and I did for fun when we were in college back in the 60’s. I do truly believe that my mind knows I shouldn’t do this, but like you, Kristen, my heart has problems accepting this. Then I got to the scripture 1 John 3: 19-20. WOW! This really helped me Kristen. How wonderful that you told us ” He knows everything and He adores you just the same.” To hear you put it in writing allows my heart to now understand. He doesn’t look at me as a failure or a mess. I can’t even express how much your devotion today has enlightened me to not be so hard on myself. I am posting that Scripture and putting it right on the side of my computer to look at when I start going back. Of course, as human beings, we will make mistakes and if I catch myself, I pray right away for His forgiveness. Your words today on Friday at the end of a busy week, it was perfect and I will pass this along to my friend here where I live. I wish you a blessed weekend and know that I am sure people that read this have felt the same way I do. Love to you and all the (incourage) community as you have always been there for me. I don’t know what I would do without these daily devotions…………..Betsy Basile
Kristen, I totally relate to rehashing my failures! I’m hard on myself as well and often beat myself up and think “ Am I sorry enough?” “ Should I be more contrite??” It’s endless and I know the Lord wants me to let it go into His hands. Thank you for sharing! I think this is a place where we all struggle on some level. Praying for peace and receiving God’s lavish grace!
Kirsten I thank you for writing you wrote for today. It has really spoke to me. I have always thought my story ends in failure. As I don’t have the type of friends that live near me and want to do things with me that a friend would. I only have two real friends and another one that is always busy. The two real friends are two sisters that are so good to me. I hardly ever see them. As they live 86 miles away from me. The other friend that is busy all the time she only lives 10 miles away from me. The two sisters have me up when we’ll enough to stay with them for the weekend. They care so much that they text me to see if I am ok. They send me texts to say praying for me. They send me emails with encouraging pictures with saying on them. When we are together it not that often I get to see them as I suffer seizures. When I do they go out of their way to make sure we all together have a nice time. I couldn’t replay them for all they do for me. All my friends are saved. I can feel my story is a failure because I don’t have friends near were I live that every so often want to do the things friends do. Like in the good weather go for walks and every so often meet for coffee. I feel as no one cares. My Husband says Dawn you have me and God you need no one else. But you know what I mean about why I like a friend to want to see me more. I have tried to make friends with people and they don’t want to know. My Husband has said Dawn it’s not you it’s them. But I am so sensitive a person and have been all my life. I say what is wrong with me. My Husband says nothing Dawn he says it there loss he says that they don’t want to be your friend. I look at people in my family that are supposed to love me and care. They don’t they just think of their own needs. They may in their own way. But it doesn’t seem like it. When to me they should I tell them about my health and with going through menopause I am in pain too if I didn’t tell them they not asked. I ask them I am to caring my Husband says. I say to them hope your ok. I know they have their own lives and family to see too. But if something they want me to for them they are quick at coming forward and not shy in asking me to do it for them. Especially if it to do with someone in our family that is elderly that needs help more doing things for them. I do there home even in my pain because I love them. They can the person I do there house for them not appreciate what I do for them. They are the type of person who as long as their needs are met they at ok no one else matter. They like the others are not saved. But this eldery person is all over their carer that takes them out and does things with them rather than they be stuck in house all day. I say Lord why are they like that and they are related to me the person who is elderly that gives the carer more attention than me. God has told me with the elderly person and the others that are not shy in asking me to do something for them but never ask how I am unless I tell them and even that they are not interested. So I got I say nothing. God said they are not saved all of them. Dawn you have to just pray for them ask the Holy Spirit to make them see they need to get saved. They will not change until they get saved. I the Lord change them. Then they will think about you as well and so will the elderly person. So I have done that the elderly person knows I pray for them. My friend one of the sisters that live 86 miles away from me said Dawn to me in this text she sent me. The same words Jesus said when on the cross. Lord forgive them for they know not what they do. That has really spoken to me. As they don’t because they are not saved. God is changing my heart to look at them through his eyes. Even though it hard. But God has also said to me your story is not a failure. You are my Child and I love you. You are precious to me. I say Amen to that. But at times it is still hard. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland in my prayers all incourage xx
Thank you for this! It so spoke to my heart in the moment when God knew I needed it
Thank you for sharing. I can so relate with you. I am younger but deal with so many of these same things. It doesn’t matter your age, God’s word and His truth I need to claim every day. I am learning every day to run to Him, in the good days and the not so good days. I pray for every woman struggling to believe God loves them just where they are.
Thank you for your encouraging post! I have had the same issues. Romans 8:34, 38,39 has been a balm.
Thank you, Kristen.
You’re not alone.
If you would have hosted a 3am Bible Study that morning, I would have joined you!
I’m glad to know that God has the whole world in his hands.
Kristen,
I, too, wake up often. That time is used to pray. Communing with God is something I need to do more. It soothes me & puts me back to sleep.
Thankful God doesn’t grade us on our behavior. Amazed that an Almighty God would love someone like me. He left the splendor of Heaven to come to broken Earth to die a horrible death for me. He sings over me. All that makes me cry. It stirs something within me to go out help others spread God’s word.
Blessings 🙂
WOW. I REALLY needed to hear this. Thank you. ♥️
“He knows the depths of my heart and He loves me the same.” One time when I was singing this line at church, I burst into tears. I haven’t been able to sing it since. It’s just too deep.
Appreciate you!!