A few years ago, I worked hard to throw a great celebration for our family. I spent a lot of time shopping, cooking, planning activities, and — I’m not going to lie — spending money. I wanted to give everyone some time off so they could sit back and not have to do anything. I wanted that three-day weekend to feel special for everyone.
But I didn’t realize that prioritizing everyone’s relaxation was setting myself up for things to go perfectly or for me to be really disappointed.
You’ll never guess which way things went.
The downward spiral kicked off when my son said something funny but sarcastic and, as it turns out, hurtful. I was crushed. I wanted to yell, “Do you know how hard I worked to make this great for all of you?”
But of course, they didn’t know — because I hadn’t invited anyone else into the process.
I had stayed up until midnight making extra food, when I should have spent that time with the people I love. Because by the time they filled up on appetizers, no one had room for all of my side dishes anyway.
In my effort to relieve my loved ones’ stress, I was only adding more to my own.
As a people-pleasing oldest daughter, I’ve often felt I must shoulder the responsibility alone. But I’ve learned I don’t have to stay alone. So much hurt, disappointment, and discouragement can be avoided by having conversations about expectations and sharing the load.
I love how the Message expresses Proverbs 21:5: “Careful planning puts you ahead in the long run; hurry and scurry puts you further behind.”
I have lived most of my life in hurry and scurry.
But no more, friend …
I’m making a shift in how I approach family gatherings and I’m hoping you will too.
Because this holiday, I’m not worried about whether your son gets the cologne he wants or your sister gets the KitchenAid she’s been talking about since last year, or your husband or dad or uncle gets served the perfect slice of pie.
Beloved, my concern is for you. You, the one who wants to make sure everyone is happy. The one who has somehow been assigned to make sure that no one is upset or disappointed. The one who knows everyone’s triggers and is trying to keep them from all going off at the same time.
Beloved, I am worried about you.
Make your list. Right now. And then start asking …
- What others can bring
- Who can pick up grandma
- Who can take over all the desserts
- Who will be in charge of dishes
And next year?
What parts of that list can someone else take over completely?
Could your husband take over logistics? Could your daughter take over meal planning? Could you and your brother trade hosting duties each year? Deciding now will relieve a lot of stress in the months and years to come.
We are on the countdown to Christmas. What practical decisions could you make right now to ensure the next two weeks are a little more peaceful and a lot more joy-filled? Start with small changes.
Embrace the power of one small decision at a time:
Eliminate One Dish
Does your family need every single dish you make each year? We decided, for this one meal, it’s okay not to have a salad. And even though we bought two different kinds of apple pies at the fall festival, we’ll only defrost and bake one. We’ll save the other one for the middle of January when we want a pick-me-up.
Delegate One Dish
What is one dish you normally make that you can hand off to someone else in the family? Maybe it’s time your son learned how to make the family’s broccoli and cheddar casserole and carry on the tradition.
Set One Boundary
Practice having kind but clear conversations about your expectations this holiday season. You can’t fix every family fracture, but you can set the tone for the holiday meal around your table. If your aunt can’t keep her political opinions to herself, let her know that the table needs to be a safe place for everyone, and she is free to call and have those conversations with individuals before or after the holiday, but not during the celebration.
Progress, Not Perfection
This is where you will need to embrace imperfect progress and protect your peace. (And at the same time, protect the peace of those you love.) Maybe you can’t solve all the issues that make your holiday gatherings difficult, but you can make small changes that allow you to host the celebration you want.
Peaceful holidays won’t come from just hoping everyone magically does what is needed. But manage one small decision at a time and you can throw a great celebration that everyone enjoys, including you.
In Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV) Jesus says:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
What a relief that we don’t have to carry the weight of perfection, people-pleasing, or holiday expectations alone. Christ invites us to surrender our burdens, partner with Him, and find rest in His grace.
Let’s lean into this truth as we prepare for the holidays, making room for peace — not through doing everything perfectly, but through trusting Him and inviting others to share the load. This mindset shift can lead to the joy-filled gatherings their hearts long for.
Want some help making decisions about what’s for dinner? Check out Kathi’s latest cookbook, Sabbath Soup: Weekly Menus and Rhythms to Make Space for a Day of Rest.
Kathi, I so needed this perspective shift! Thank you for your words and encouragement and a great reminder to jump off the “hurry and scurry” holiday hamster wheel!
Oh. Wow. This is so me! Thank you for the reminder to shift my focus from wanting everything to be just how I think it should be. In the last few years I have realized that my family would much rather have me be at peace than have everything perfect. But it is hard! I am working (and praying) to re-shift my focus from the things that really don’t matter to Jesus, and to make sure that each family celebration includes and reflects Him. Thanks for the practical tips, especially about including others and examining my expectations.
Kathi yes thank you we don’t have to carry the weight of pleasing family this time year especially. As it can be alot of stress. With going shopping or online to see what to buy people especially family for this time of year. You say to yourself will they like will it fit will it be too big. It is alot of stress and hassle. The cost of it of all. Then to be told it to big or they never wear it as don’t like it. They don’t tell you that at the time because they don’t want to hurt you. When you went to bother of either going shopping or online to buy them a present. I found that over the years. Especially with my family. I had people say to Dawn tell them your not buy any presents. Just call on Christmas day to say Hello to them and wish the Happy Christmas. Then tell them to do the same not by back for you either as it all stress and strain one them too. I have not done that as my Family would think I was odd and look at me. They say it only once a year. There is an add on TV a few years ago at the time of year for Sainsbury’s a food store. Over here in Northern Ireland. It is just brilliant. It shows a clay man moving on it. To sing what do I buy them for Christmas what Hassel to go looking to buy some. Then the clay beautifully dressed made up. You see him standing in his living room and he sing the best present I can give them all is me showing them my love for them. Even though Sainsbury’s is a food shop mainly you see the clay type man it. Saying would they like this or this. Before he sings the best present isr showing my love for them. Then he goes to visit them all you see this. Him the clay man showing them his love for them all. That reminded me when I saw that add even though a few years old. It is the best add with a meaning even though it Sainsbury’s the food people doing it for this time of year. It lead me to say yes rather than give presents and they not want them. Give them your love. Like Jesus gave his love for us. That is the best present we can give people is showing them our love and the love of Jesus. Like Jesus did for us. It not about what you buy people and the money you spend on them. It about show your love for them and the love of Jesus. Giving them yourself. It sing in the add I can give me. Meaning my Love. Jesus would want that rather than us buying presents and forgetting to show his love. So true Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland xx
Oh my word what a perfectly timed post!!! I have been toying with the idea in my head this week of “do we really need a 3-course meal at Christmas? Would our lives really fall apart if we didn’t have a starter????
Thank you for this confirmation that I can indeed shuffle things up a bit taking (oh so much) pressure off my shoulders and allowing me some extra time to actually sit at the table and enjoy the food as opposed to running up and down while everyone else eats.
Kathi,
Such great advice! Hard to practice for me… A perfectionist. it’s perfectly relevant so I had to share it!
Sending you advent Joy,
Lisa Wilt.
Dear Kathi…….Wish I would have had this devotion about 10 years ago as you are describing me and the way I was all those years ago ago. I am 77 years old now so all my relatives have left the Earth for Heaven. There are no celebrations anymore as my husband has the violent type of dementia and is in denial now for 6 years. He almost killed me in one of his “dementia rages” as he drank way too much and abused me every night for 3+ years until the police and all my support groups told me I needed to stop worrying about him and thinking about my safety. To top it off, 2 years ago my 1 son called me and told me I was lying to him even though I had read him the reports from a neurologist and a Psycho Neurologist. He said he would not accept me as his Mother and I could never see or hear from my 1 grandson who was 12 at the time and he hung up. So now I have nobody and I remain heartbroken because my grandson is the love of my life. Your devotion was just so good as I always took a week’s vacation from work at Thanksgiving and did everything myself like you to make it perfect for everyone. Thank you for your words today as I thought that I was the only one who had to take all of it myself. Kathi…….Your advice just is perfect and I will pass it along to one of my friends who tends to do what we used to do. I wish you and your family a wonderful celebration of the birth of Jesus at Christmas as I feel that they have made this day so commercial and based on how many presents are they going to get or who was going to give the most presents. Christmas should not be a holiday, as one of you(in)courage women said in a recent devotion, it should be called “Holy Days”. Maybe it is just me as I am much older than most of your community, but the incourage women and your words have helped me survive these past years. Love to you, Kathi…………Betsy Basile
Betsy,
I am praying for you so much and will continue to. Jesus loves you so much and I know that I wish I could give you a hug and share a meal with you. Anyone who has had a loved one with dementia knows the awfulness of it. I pray that you feel and see the love of Jesus in many tangible ways.
This is such a beautiful written and helpful post!!
Thank you, Kathi and (in)Courage!
Melody ~
Wow, was this message for me! As an oldest daughter who is very independent, but an introvert with an I can do it all myself mentality, holidays and get togethers were stressful, fun-less and even tear filled occasions for me for years! No one appreciated my hard work and planning. No one would even offer to make anything, have the next occasion at their home, or to even stay afterward help clean up! Why was I continuing this pain filled agenda?
As I get older, now 72, I physically can’t do it all myself yet still have a problem asking others for help. Your article showed me that in order to enjoy these occasions I need to change my attitude and start asking for help, it is okay to admit that I can’t do it alone and never really could. Thank you for opening my eyes, finally.