I’m gonna shoot straight with you: Today, the day after our presidential election in the United States, is one of my least favorite days — no matter who wins.

On this day every four years, I’m on social media minimally because, as one with friends and family who fall on all points of the political spectrum, half the people I know are despondent or mad-as-you-know-what while everyone else is throwing an absolute party.

In reality, I know there’s a large number of folks who aren’t “all in” with their candidate; they’re not so much voting for someone as against someone else. But still, as an enneagram 2 who absorbs tension like my hair absorbs humidity, the dichotomy between the more passionate people fills me with anxiety. I want to curl up in a ball, hide under my bed, and not come out for six months or so.

But because I’m an actual grownup with actual responsibilities, including the luck-of-the-draw that is having an article up today, there will be no such hiding!

If I don’t enjoy being around tension, as I’ve already said, you’ll be 0% surprised that I don’t want to add to it, either. In particular, I don’t want the important relationships in my life to suffer because I sit on the opposite side of the proverbial fence with a loved one or ten.

As a gal who’s not afraid to feel my feelings, I admit there have been times I’ve felt triggered because of another person’s strong views that opposed my own, especially if those views concerned a topic I care deeply about. But the older I get, the more my bandwidth for engaging with potentially contentious people shrinks. I won’t do it over social media, period, because too much is lost in translation through that incomplete way of communicating.

In person, I’ll only do so with those I trust to engage with me respectfully and productively — whether we think alike or not. Otherwise, no thank you.

But not everyone feels the same way.

So herein lies my question: How do you maintain a relationship with your loved one when you don’t share the same views—and their views keep coming up in the conversation? And therefore your relationship?

If you’re both levelheaded, perhaps you can discuss your differences calmly and reasonably. Thankfully, I have several friends with whom this is possible. But if someone gets bent out of shape because of an opposing viewpoint, the tension can take off faster than a prairie fire with a tailwind. ⁠

In light of that, here are three principles and practices that help me avoid letting opposing viewpoints come between me and my friends or family members:

Badgering the cat is a choice. Ivy is our kitty cat, and her mere existence just sticks in the craw of our dog, Rafa. Rafa simply refuses to rest when Ivy is in his vicinity. He stares at her. He follows her. He gets all up in her business. Eventually, he gets close enough to Ivy that she hisses or swipes at him, and then he dramatically shrinks back with offense.

As all of this unfolds, I say things like, “Rafa, leave Ivy alone. Rafa, mind your own business. RAFA, YOU CAN CHOOSE NOT TO BADGER THE CAT.” Every time, Rafa chooses to badger the cat.

But with wisdom and maturity, we can choose differently. If we take offense over a friend’s position, we don’t have to act on that offense. When we realize that keeping our opinions to ourselves doesn’t invalidate those opinions, we can relax rather than react.

Keep a few “tension-diffusing” phrases in your back pocket. My sister taught me my favorite phrase: “You may be right about that.” I love that because it conveys to the other person that you’re listening and hearing what they’ve said. It’s respectful yet non-committal. So, if someone badgers you or you just feel riled up, you can respond with, “You may be right about that!”

Keep a big-picture view. Jesus didn’t beat around the bush when he said, “As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13: 34-35 NIV). Sharing your perspective that another may disagree with can certainly be done in a loving way. On the other hand, prioritizing being “right” over maintaining a good relationship with someone is usually not a loving approach. Our motive makes the difference.

If, like me, you’re plumb haggard by all the election talk, that means you’re probably in community with folks carrying various points of view too. If so, you’re in good company. Jesus’s disciples included folks on opposite sides of the political spectrum, such as Matthew and Simon. Pastor Scott Sauls writes in his book Jesus Outside the Lines:

“Included in the Twelve are Simon, a Zealot, and Matthew, a tax collector. This is significant because Zealots worked against the government, while tax collectors worked for the government. . ..Despite their opposing viewpoints, Matthew and Simon were friends. . .”

The big picture view says that at the end of the day, loving people well can look like accepting that you don’t have to agree with them to love them.

This election may be over, but may our important relationships move ever onward.

For more practices and principles from Kristen on how to be a good friend to those you disagree with, visit here.

Leave a Comment