I was a new, sleep-deprived mom to a 4-month-old daughter. I struggled to keep up with the basic things like getting out of bed, showering, and eating meals. I was rapidly losing a lot of weight, my body drowning in all my clothes, and wads of hair falling out, so I stopped brushing it altogether. 

And, whether I wanted to admit it or not, my marriage had already begun to fall apart.

No one knew about my hardships; I chose to suffer in silence. I endured and made do with what I had left to give. It wasn’t much. As my daughter, now long past those baby years, put it best in her Mother’s Day card to me last year, I loved her by caring for her even when I couldn’t love myself.

Motherhood was everything I had ever wanted. Not all women are blessed with this gift, so how could I complain? Yet I was deeply struggling. I carried guilt and shame like a badge.

I had walked so far away from God that I was sure He also didn’t want me. He was probably mad, so how could I ask for His help? (But don’t get me wrong, I was desperate for help.)

In my desperation, all I could think was that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. This is the one conversation I must have missed with all the moms who went before me and all their advice. Why didn’t anyone tell me motherhood would be so hard? Don’t get me wrong, I loved my daughter — but each moment felt like my soul was slowly dying, and I was barely holding on.

I didn’t know it then, but I know it now: I was battling postpartum depression.

Compounding my depression was the fact that my husband no longer loved me. The man I married, whom I trusted with my heart and my future, took my flaws and punished me by choosing a life without me and seeking comfort in someone else’s arms. I felt rejected, unwanted, uninvited, and invisible once again — my heart shattered just as I was starting to heal from the pain of an invisible childhood.

I remember trying to make the best of the busy days filled with what seemed to be never-ending diapers and constant nursing. The long sleepless nights—interrupted by competitions to see who could cry the longest: baby or me. (I always won!)

I struggled through those days, repeatedly convincing myself that this difficult phase would eventually pass, just like other challenges in my life. However, this time, I didn’t actually want time to pass. I didn’t want to miss out on precious moments with my baby girl. I wanted to savour every single one of them. I wanted to be the best mom and give her the love and care she deserved. 

But I was depleted and unsure if I could do it all.

In silence, I often fought suicidal thoughts. Fought against despair and the burning desire of just wanting to meet Jesus. I can’t pinpoint the moment that changed for me; maybe it was a collection of moments that helped me overcome. Little miracles I couldn’t afford to miss. Like the moon shining through our bedroom window. Like gently kissing my daughter’s face as she nursed during the night. Like the friend who stopped by with groceries to help me make ends meet and ensure I was cared for. 

God wasn’t far, after all. He was right there.

My marriage eventually ended. Now entirely alone, I found myself more heartbroken than before. Through it all, a tiny flicker of hope echoed in my heart with the words found in Romans 8:39: “Nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God”– nothing!

The song “One Step at a Time” by R&B singer Jordin Sparks frequently played on the radio. I listened to it every day on repeat, and even though it’s far from a worship song, I heard God speaking to me through the lyrics. God is so intentional in using things that appeal to us to communicate.

Day by day, one step at a time, Jesus helped me through.

Now, that baby girl is seventeen. She’s bright, beautiful, and has a contagious smile. She plans to go to university and has a deep love for others. A lot has changed in the last seventeen years. Through all the lessons I’ve learned and all the stories of God’s grace I could share, one thing is certain: He has remained faithful.

Today, let me remind you that God is near, even in the darkest moments when you are battling suicidal thoughts, depression, or anxiety. My God is mighty to save you, just as He saved me. God’s people, including me, are willing and ready to pray and journey with you during this challenging season. You are not alone! And if no one has ever told you, you are essential to this world, and you have a purpose, my friend.

So don’t give up; just take it one step at a time.

“So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG

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