Since surviving cancer (at least thus far!) I have the honor of receiving countless kind requests from strangers asking what they can to do support a friend who’s just received terrible news.
Whenever I hear the question, a highlight reel of gifts from friends and family flashes through my mind. Chemo caps when I lost my hair, restaurant gift cards for our family, handmade quilts, candles to light in prayer. My best friend started a GoFundMe and stocked our freezer with meals. My college friends left their own kids at home to help mine after my mastectomy. My siblings and parents flew across the country to stay with us for weeks. Our church kept a meal train going for so long that it still brings tears to my eyes.
Every time someone asks me what to get for their newly diagnosed bestie, I also remember the story of Job—and one particular line that I adore.
When Job’s friends heard of his terrible suffering — the loss of his children, servants, animals, and his own health — they leave everything behind “to console and comfort him” (Job 2:11 NRSVUE). What happens next is breathtaking: “They sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great” (Job 2:13).
Job’s friends offer a powerful portrait of support in suffering. Not only were they willing to hold vigil with him for seven days and seven nights, but they said nothing.
They knew Job’s grief was so huge that silence was the only fitting response. They didn’t try to explain everything, or tell him how he should feel, or try to cheer him up, or advise him to get over it, or assure him that this was God’s plan.
They sat down. And shut up. I adore them for it.
Because while we long to leap into action when our loved one is hurting, what people need most often is our presence. We want to bring casseroles and cards. We want to cook for them, clean their house, and care for their kids. We want to buy them funny socks, thoughtful books, comfy blankets, or beautiful flowers.
But the truth is that when your life is falling apart, what matters most is to know that you aren’t alone. To have friends who will stay with you even when they don’t know what to say.
Ironically, what happens next to Job fills up the rest of his book — and frustrates him to no end. His friends end up opening their mouths and don’t stop talking. Most of the Book of Job is their long-winded speeches and Job’s exasperated rebuttals. These men are trying to make sense of the mystery of suffering and the problem of pain — but humans have yet to find airtight solutions to the deepest struggles of our existence.
By the end of the Book of Job, God shows up and speaks to Job directly: a stunning exchange that most of us have longed for in prayer. Yet even God’s words offer less of a clear answer and more of an invitation into humility when faced with majesty.
“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?” God asks (Job 38:4).
“Have you entered into the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
Have the gates of death been revealed to you,
or have you seen the gates of deep darkness?
Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth?
Declare, if you know all this.” (Job 38:16-18)
God speaks as the Creator, reminding Job (and all of us) that we weren’t there at the dawn of time when God hung the stars, wrangled the weather, and designed each animal. But even God’s strong statements are not meant to shame Job. Instead, they affirm that God has been always present—in all of creation, in every life.
When our lives fall apart, we can trust that God who commanded the cosmos and created the cells in our bodies will never leave our side.
So as much as I’d love to give you a quick clickable list of ideas for the perfect care package for your ailing friend, I want to whisper this wisdom to you first. The same truth that I learned from my friends and Job learned from his:
What matters most is simply that we show up for each other.
Yes, the cash and gift cards made cancer treatment bearable for my spouse and five kids. Yes, dinners and groceries relieved so much stress in those awful months. Yes, everyone’s prayers were the most powerful part of my healing: mighty and mysterious in ways I will never understand this side of heaven.
But the ways people simply offered their presence became an enormous gift. Some sat on my couch or crawled next to me in bed. Some cleaned my kitchen and played with my kids. And some showed up for me just as powerfully from afar: a quick text, a prayer via email, or a beautiful photo to say I’m with you. I love you. I can’t fix this, but I will not leave you.
Job’s friends sat in the silence with him, for seven days and seven nights. Whatever way we show up for our suffering friends, even sitting in the dark, will be a gift they’ll never forget.
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Our presence is always the greatest gift. No perfect words required. Yes and amen, Laura. Thank you for these reminders. May we all be and be blessed with this kind of friend.
I love and agree with everything you said. The problem I’ve experienced as I’m going through my own prolonged period of grief is that people try to decide for me what’s painful and worthy of grieving. Friends will stand by you through the obvious ones like sickness and death of a loved one. But for the less obvious ones like job and relationship loss… friends are not as keen to show up and just be present. It has been an eye-opening experience and a lesson in how I can be more present and empathetic.
Thank you, Laura! Your words seem like a light shining on a dilemma we all face. Often. I will remember.
Dear Laura, Your story really meant something very important to me. I have so many heartbreaking and very complicated situations that I have been facing for two years now. I am so sorry to hear of your cancer and will pray that Jesus will help to heal you and push that horrible disease away from you, for good. I am 77 years old and really having problems dealing with them. It doesn’t matter how much I pray and that is a lot every day. My good friends for many years have deserted me. They know my story and they don’t know what more they can say to support me so they just don’t talk to me anymore. I can relate to your words about Job and his 7 days with his friends being silent, but my friends don’t even come to see me anymore. I don’t need to talk about what is going on. I would just like to have a ” normal” conversation with them. They didn’t seem to get that before they just disappeared. No cards, no phone calls, no anything. I have 3 friends here where I live, in a facility with over a hundred people. Two of them who are in their 90’s don’t ask me any questions and the 3rd person who is a man will talk to me often and he has gone through one of my problems and has helped me in some ways. I am alone otherwise. My husband has dementia and tried to kill me so I needed to somehow get him out of the house we had lived in for 40 years. He was in denial and after 6 years, still is. To top that one off, my son who was 52 when he did this, called me one night back in early 2023 and said I was lying to him and that he did not consider me his Mother anymore and I could never see or talk to my 12 year old grandson at the. It is almost 2 years now since I have seen or heard from him. When the incident happened on 4/20/2023 where he tried to kill me, I had to get him evicted from the house Then my son saw how sick his father was and that I was not lying to him. He still did not come back to me. All my other beloved relatives are gone from the Earth, but I know they are in Heaven, and quite frankly Laura, I am glad they are not here to see this awful time I am going through. I know that silence like Job’s friends did for him is very caring, but at least they were there with him. I would love to just have my old friends be with me when they can. I know that God, Jesus and my Holy Spirit are with me, and that is wonderful, but sometimes I would just like to SEE my friends and talk to them about many things like we used to.
Laura, as the last words you said in your devotion, “What matters is that we just show up as friends” Thank you Laura and again you and my friends from (in)courage keep me grounded every day as the first thing I do is read the devotion that has been sent to me. I do not think I could survive without them. Hope you have a Blessed week and are doing well. I am going to get dressed now and start my day…………………………..Betsy Basile
Besty my heart goes out to for all you have gone through in life. We think we are bad with all the problems we have. But there is always someone worse than us that we hear about. We then say no I thought I was bad but they and what they are going through is alot worse than me. You Besty we have great big God who loves us. We might say when we don’t see our prayers being answered. As quickly as we would like.
Where are you God. Why are you not helping me when I need you. You Lord know what I am going through. I need you help you see all I going through please help me Lord. I need your help now. We beg God to help us and answer us now. But God is there he could be putting you through a test to see how strong your faith is in him and will you always keep your eyes on the Lord no matter what you are going through. God will come through for you maybe not a quicky as you like him too. But you have to believe God is there for you when you pray and he is listening. Keep standing on the promises in his word saying them over yourself. No matter what you are going through. Like Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want” That is so true the Lord is your shepherd you shall not want. We are his sheep he is our shepherd. A shepherd looks after his sheep. God does the same for us. Even though at times Besty we don’t see it. I had hard time in my life we all do and maybe not a hard as yours. One song I sing when going through a hard time it is. “What a friend we have in Jesus all our sins and griefs to bear what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer” how true that is. You remember that. If you don’t get your reward for keeping your eyes on the Lord. Not letting what you’re going through get to you. You will get your reward in Glory with Jesus one day. Plus remember the people in our world being persecuted for knowing the Lord in parts of the world. Then some Mothers having their kids taken of them for believing in Jesus. All very sad. As well as what your going through at 77 years in life. So when I remember things like that and there are more worse things too. That go on in our world that people do that are not right. I say Dawn no matter what your going through what they are going through is worse. I thank the Lord when saying my prayers. For waking me up to enjoy another day in his beautiful world. Like Psalm 118:24 “Says this is the day the Lord has made we will rejoice and be glad in it.” I also say Psalm 150:6 “Let everything that has breath praise the Lord praise the Lord” how true those verses are not matter what we go through. If I lived beside you Besty I give you a big hug and pray with you. I will keep you in my prayers. I know I will never get to see you this side of earth but in Glory with Jesus. I will give you a big hug. Jesus is with you no matter what. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little N.Ireland xxx
Dear Dawn……………What a nice reply and the words you gave me when I needed them. I have read them over and over and know what you are saying is true, but sometimes I am scared to ask God what is going on. I do not wish to anger him, but on the other hand, He knows what I go through every minute of every day I need to stop blaming myself for what happened as I did everything I could do to not make this happen, but my husband and my son kept telling me I am a liar. I am not and why would I make something up that is so awful. He was my husband for 54 years. Neither of us wanted to get married, but he made it happen with what he did to me on 4/20/2023.it’s too late now, but I never had a chance to have a happy marriage with a man I loved and he loved me. My mother and father were so happy together. Thank you again Dawn for helping me out and I needed that hug. I send one right back to you………………….Betsy Basile
Dear Laura!
How I love this story!!! I just recently lost my mother. She was 96 1/2 (she always made sure everyone knew she was that 1/2). I felt so lost and alone. We were 2,000 miles apart when she passed. I had visited her one month before and since my sister (her executor)appointed me the final director of funeral or Celebration of Life services I’ve been lost! My family all live nearby and so it makes sense to have her services here so all may attend. But I digress. A friend across the street just lost her sister and we got together just to hold hands and hug, talk, celebrating her sister. Then my mom died and she came to hug me and talk. In our loss her presence in my life reminded me I had been isolating the past few years. Although I’ve been in contact by phone, cards, and social media, I need to see my friends in person. I’m a hugger and I’ve been told my hugs and words of love, condolence and encouragement are always a blessing.
My word for this year is In Person! Show up in person to socialize, encourage, support, celebrate my friends!
Thank you for sharing!
Besty my heart goes out to for all you have gone through in life. We think we are bad with all the problems we have. But there is always someone worse than us that we hear about. We then say no I thought I was bad but they and what they are going through is alot worse than me. You Besty we have great big God who loves us. We might say when we don’t see our prayers being answered. As quickly as we would like.
Where are you God. Why are you not helping me when I need you. You Lord know what I am going through. I need you help you see all I going through please help me Lord. I need your help now. We beg God to help us and answer us now. But God is there he could be putting you through a test to see how strong your faith is in him and will you always keep your eyes on the Lord no matter what you are going through. God will come through for you maybe not a quicky as you like him too. But you have to believe God is there for you when you pray and he is listening. Keep standing on the promises in his word saying them over yourself. No matter what you are going through. Like Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want” That is so true the Lord is your shepherd you shall not want. We are his sheep he is our shepherd. A shepherd looks after his sheep. God does the same for us. Even though at times Besty we don’t see it. I had hard time in my life we all do and maybe not a hard as yours. One song I sing when going through a hard time it is. “What a friend we have in Jesus all our sins and griefs to bear what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer” how true that is. You remember that. If you don’t get your reward for keeping your eyes on the Lord. Not letting what you’re going through get to you. You will get your reward in Glory with Jesus one day. Plus remember the people in our world being persecuted for knowing the Lord in parts of the world. Then some Mothers having their kids taken of them for believing in Jesus. All very sad. As well as what your going through at 77 years in life. So when I remember things like that and there are more worse things too. That go on in our world that people do that are not right. I say Dawn no matter what your going through what they are going through is worse. I thank the Lord when saying my prayers. For waking me up to enjoy another day in his beautiful world. Like Psalm 118:24 “Says this is the day the Lord has made we will rejoice and be glad in it.” I also say Psalm 150:6 “Let everything that has breath praise the Lord praise the Lord” how true those verses are not matter what we go through. If I lived beside you Besty I give you a big hug and pray with you. I will keep you in my prayers. I know I will never get to see you this side of earth but in Glory with Jesus. I will give you a big hug. Jesus is with you no matter what. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little N.Ireland xxx
Laura,
I appreciate your wise insights! So…I shared your devotion
Sending you autumn joy,
Lisa Wilt
Thank you for these words. It is important to help and support one another in any way we can, even if it means just showing up and being there. I pray for your continued healing.