Trigger Warning: This is a personal story that contains self-harm content.
I left the steaming shower running and stepped out, wrapping myself in a waiting towel.
My long, wet hair dripped down my back and left water droplets on the floor where I stood. With the pounding water drowning out all noise, I sank to the floor, curled up on the bathmat, and let myself sob.
Why was I stuck with a brain that told me hurting myself was a good idea?
Why was it so hard not to listen?
For over a decade, I’d struggled with self-injury. What started as an impulsive, one-time choice at fifteen had spiraled into years of desperate decisions. I waded through high school and college and early adulthood trying to work my way into healing. I did everything I was supposed to do: I prayed, read my Bible, surrounded myself with community, and tried alternative coping mechanisms. None of it had worked, not for long anyway. No matter what I did, no matter how much time passed between incidents, the urge to hurt myself never went away.
On good days, the battle with my brain was background noise. On bad days, it left me exhausted and begging God to make it stop. Having found faith at an early age, I’d spent my whole life believing God loves each of us beyond measure and hears our prayers. But, after years of pleading prayers going unanswered, I often wondered if He heard me. That night, from the floor of my bathroom, I threw a singular half-question, half-accusation at the ceiling: God, do you even care?
I know I’m not the only one who has wondered if they are unseen and unnoticed by the God of the universe. Even when Jesus walked among His disciples, they doubted His care for them on occasion.
In Mark 4, after a day of ministry, Jesus and His disciples board a boat together. A tired Jesus is lulled to sleep by the boat’s gentle rocking as it makes its way to the opposite shore. In the middle of the crossing, a storm builds and the wind tosses crashing waves into the boat. Panicked, the disciples begin trying to save the boat and themselves. Realizing their efforts are futile, they wake Jesus and beg Him to save them, asking, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?”
Put plainly, the men who knew Jesus better than anyone looked at their sinking boat and asked, “Don’t you care about us?”
How often do we find ourselves in the middle of storms and asking this same question? Maybe we’re praying for healing or guidance or just some room to breathe between each wave that fills our lungs with water, but at the heart of each of those prayers is one deeper question: God, do you even care that I’m about to drown?
Laying on the floor of my bathroom that night, there was no lightning bolt moment of clarity or instantaneous healing. There was no booming voice from the heavens. The urge for self-injury that I’d dealt with most of my life didn’t suddenly disappear. But, as my tears slowed and my breath steadied, I sensed God with me.
While God is capable of calming any storm, He doesn’t promise us that He will. What He does tell us about Himself in Exodus 3:14 is “I am who I am.” God is only able to be who He has always been, which means that even today . . . He is faithful and loving and present.
I think about the relationships I have in my life, the people who I believe really care about me on a personal level — the people who show up, regardless of circumstances or mood. They make a conscious choice to be in my life, outside of obligation or requirement. If I trust that those people, incapable of unconditional love, care about me, why shouldn’t I trust that a God who promises His presence cares about me, too?
There are days that I still beg God to take away the urge to self-harm that flits through my brain all too often. In those moments, when I’m tempted to believe the lie that I’ve been abandoned and that God doesn’t care about me, I’m reminded that the same God who met Moses in the burning bush, the same God who was with Daniel in the lion’s den, the same God who sent His son to earth to walk among us, and the same God who cried with Lazarus’ sister is the same God who is with me on the nights I end up on the bathroom floor.
Whether I find healing on this side of eternity or not, I have peace in knowing that every time I ask God, “Do you even care?” His answer is a patient and resolute, “Yes.”
~
At (in)courage, we believe in making space for all stories and experiences. With heartache, we recognize the reality of self-harm. With hope, we share this story — proclaiming the help and healing that can be found in community and Christ. We are here for you, in prayer and in the comments below, should you wish to respond to this guest article. If you are in a crisis and considering self-harm, dial 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline which provides 24/7, free, and confidential help for self-harm. You are not alone. There is help.
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Dawn Ferguson-Little says
Britney thank you so much for what you wrote in today’s message. I no and think God was using your message today to speak to me through it. As I don’t have many friends. I don’t want that many. But just one or two more to meet up that are saved go for a walk in good weather or coffee and any Women’s Christian things that are on. Or Christian meetings etc. I tried to make friends with one person she didn’t want to know. As she is friends with my best friends that live now 86 miles away from me. I hardly ever see them. But they text me and email to see I am ok they are so good to me. They pray for me as well. Especially when I suffer seizures. Any time they are in Enniskillen to go to their late Parents Grave to put flowers on it. Or just coming to Enniskillen for the day. They never forget me. They always meet up with me and we go for lunch together. They are more than good. They both are saved the two sisters that now live 86 miles away from me. So most of the time I just got I just got my Husband. As another friend I have I hardly ever see her. She is saved too. Sometimes she when I ask her do you want to go coffee now and then not that often. That lives only a few minutes away from Enniskillen. She is always doing something else. I ask her to let me know when free if she like to meet up for coffee to let me know. I don’t ask her that often to meet up for coffee. As don’t want to sound to pushey. So it ages and ages before she gets back to me to say free to meet up on such and such a day and time would it suit me. That could be a couple of weeks or a month or two before I hear back from her. So I get at times very down as don’t have anyone else. Expect my wonderful Husband who is saved. Now and again my sister’s they are not saved. But I just like a friend to do the things I said in this reply. Apart from my sister’s. Yes don’t get me wrong it nice to see my sister’s and spend time with them. So I really enjoyed your reading as it spoke to me all of it. The friend that only lives a few minutes away from Enniskillen were I live that is saved. Is very popular with everyone and has loads and loads of friends. I say to myself why she so popular and I am not. Why when I ask her would she live to meet for coffee. It takes her ages to reply to me. When she does most of the time she can’t ans you tell her to let you know when she free to do so to let you know. She takes ages to let you know when suits her. You get down about and want to cry. Say to yourself what is wrong with me. That my only friend now that doesn’t live to many minutes away from Enniskillen want to meet for coffee most times I ask her. When if was my friends the two sisters that now live 86 miles away if lived Enniskillen still they meet me more often. I used to say and think there is something wrong with me. When I don’t have more friends. Ones saved that now and then want to go for a walk me or coffee now and then. My other friend that lives on a few minutes away from Enniskillen. I hardly ever see her that is saved. I have got down about. I don’t tell my Husband as it hurts him I feel like this and feel no one like me. What is wrong with me. My Husband one time said to me Dawn don’t let it get you or think anyone doesn’t like you that they don’t want to be your friend. Or your friend that only lives a few minutes away from Enniskillen doesn’t want to see you more often that is popular. It their loss for all of them. You got the best friend in the whole world that is Jesus and me your Husband. If they don’t want to see you more often. Let them go there. We both got either and the Lord my Husband has said to me. That is so true. Then God spoke to through my Husband after he said that. Which all was very true. God said remember that song “What a friend we have in Jesus all our sins and griefs to bear.” So I have great friend in Jesus that lives me and cares about me. Even if no one else does or doesn’t want to spend the time with me or more time. Jesus is the best friend he will never leave me. He hears all saddnes. Jesus loves to spend time with me. When I am praying and reading his word. Plus through his Holy Spirit speak to me. That has made me feel different. Know I have the best friend that is Jesus. I don’t need to struggle with self thinking no one cares. That a lie Jesus does. Thank you for your reading it has really helped me and spoken to me. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland xx In my prayers all incourage.
Brittany Tinsley says
You’re so right; He meets us where we are. Thank you for sharing a piece of your story.
Dawn Ferguson-Little says
Thank you Brittany for your message and reply to mine. I love your reading on incourage as well as I love the other women’s. Keeping you all in prayer. Love Dawn xx ❤️
Beverly says
Thank you! I so needed to be reminded today that God is here with me and he cares❤️
Brittany Tinsley says
I’m so glad it met you where you are. He is with you, always.
d from Canada says
You, Brittany, are very brave to share your story.
Thank you for doing so.
Bless you
Brittany Tinsley says
Thanks for reading!
Lisa Wilt says
Brittany,
We care and are undergirding you with prayer and cheering you on.
Thank you for sharing your story♥️.
Sending you shalom,
Lisa Wilt
Brittany Tinsley says
Thank you so much, Lisa, and thanks for reading!
Carol says
I went through a period of self-harm a few years ago as I was on my healing journey. One day out of the blue in that pit of hopelessness and despair, I had a thought to cut. That thought had never, ever crossed my mind before, yet here it was that day. So, I tried it and found that temporarily the emotional pain vanished when replaced by the physical pain. That began my way of coping. One day as I was reading my Bible I came to 1 Corinthians 6:19 and I knew that I needed to quit cutting. I prayed and asked God for forgiveness and told Him I wouldn’t do it again. I would love to say I was able to stop, however, I still did it a couple more times. Shame would fill me. I’d ask for forgiveness and promise to not do it again. After a little over a year of self harm, I was finally able to have victory over it. It wasn’t easy. The temptation was always there, but every time the thought would come into my head I’d say my body is a temple to the Lord and I need to honor God’s temple. I am now a year through my total and complete healing and 2 yrs healed from self harm. The enemy still tries to tempt me, but I just remember how far I have come.
Brittany Tinsley says
I’m so happy to hear you’re doing well! Thank you for so bravely sharing your own story.
Sue says
Thanks for including ALL stories. You give hope.
Brittany Tinsley says
Thanks for reading!
Betsy Basile says
Dear Tiffany……….Your story was so courageous of you to share it with us. I had a short period of time where I thought about the same thing you did, but I realized that with the problems I was facing and still am, it would just make those people who are my enemies (family – husband, son and I have 1 grandson who was 12 at the time ). You wouldn’t think that they would be the enemy, but they were. My husband has dementia (the violent type) and is still in denial after 6 years. My son called me one night and said, you are a liar, nothing is wrong with Dad except old age. I read him the written report with the diagnosis from 2 neurologists. He said that is a lie to, you wrote that, but I am calling to tell you that a no longer consider you my Mother, just a liar and you can never ever see or talk to your grandson again, and with that he just hung up. This was so heartbreaking to me, I crumbled, cried for days and thought about doing something to myself. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Nothing happened and I said to myself the same thing you did. Does God even care about me? I knew that it wasn’t right to say this, but after going through this for so long, I just wasn’t sure anymore like you felt, Tiffany. Then I remembered that God works on his own timeline. I needed to try and calm myself from the water I thought was drowning me. Several moths later I started get signs from my Holy Spirit and Jesus spoke to me. Some good things have happened, but just yesterday another bombshell hit me with my only family targeting me again. I haven’t even had time to let it sink in yet to even start to know what to do or say. So I feel that I need to start praying about this one more thing and try to be patient. I am 76 years old and never thought things would turn out this way, but in a way, I know sometimes God gives us these problems to help strengthen us to be able to wait until whatever happens, does. So this weekend I am praying and wondering how this situation will turn out. I really was proud of you for having the courage to tell your story, Tiffany. I will include you in my prayers and send you love and a hug. Your story really helped me to understand what I have been dealing with for 8 years now. Thank you again, my friend. I don’t even have friends anymore because they don’t know what to say to me. I wish they didn’t think they always had to talk about my problems. Just to have a “normal” conversation would be great. If you could say a prayer for me, I would appreciate it so much……………………………..Betsy Basile
Brittany Tinsley says
Praying for you, Betsy!
Donna says
Thank you so much for the bravery you showed in sharing your story. I understand very well the temptation to self harm as I have suffered seasons of depression and anxiety. I really don’t want to self-harm, but the enemy has tried to tempt me at times with it, then I think about how it would hurt my husband and grandson and resist the temptation. I pray daily for my husband, family, friends and neighbors. I thank the Lord daily for all His blessings and promises. The Lord visited me a year ago in the night all night long. His presence was so wonderful! It felt like what heaven must be. I have a debilitating back condition and unable to do anything but lay down all day and night. I used to be so healthy and strong most of my life and did things that most women would never even consider doing. I grieve for the losses I’ve experienced. But I know God is with me no matter how I feel, and I purposely remember the times He has spoken to me and especially that night He visited me. God bless you all! He loves you and is with you always!
Brittany Tinsley says
He is with us, always! What an encounter you must have had with him!
Rebecca says
Brittany, thank you for the bravery in sharing your story. You are immensely loved!
“And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony…
Revelation 12:11 NLT
https://bible.com/bible/116/rev.12.11.NLT
Madeline says
Brittany,
Thank you for sharing this with us. It was very brave of you. I have struggled with anxiety for years and as I aged realized that having God in my life has made a world of difference. I still struggle but remember I am loved just as I am, just as you are.
Brittany Tinsley says
I’m so sorry you’ve struggled, but am happy to hear that you know God’s love. I hope you’re doing well!
Beth Williams says
Brittany,
Thank you for sharing your very vulnerable story. I pray it helps others in the same situation. Mental health issues need to be talked about more-especially in the church. Let others know that no matter what God loves us. He sent His only son to die a horrible death. God won’t ever leave you. He will be there always.
Blessings 🙂
Brittany Tinsley says
It’s something we definitely need to be talking about more in our churches! The more willing we are to have hard conversations, the more likely things are to change. Thanks for being part of the conversation!
Bruce says
Hello Brittany, I am so touched with your honesty and your realization that indeed, God does care. June 6th, 2021 I lost my wife of 41 years to cancer and I had to come face to face with that same question, “does God even are”? One night, sobbing, so broken I could hardly breath let alone pray I finally uttered the words “Lord, I trust you”. While it wasnt an audible voice I heard God speak to me , to my heart clearly and stronger than ever before in my life. He said, Bruce, I know how badly you hurt, I know you don’t understand but yes, trust Me, trust me.
That night was a turning point in dealing with my grief. It wasn’t a magical end to it but it became my “ebenezer” if you will. A point that I could look upon in the next days, weeks, months and even years now. I will choose to trust Him because He is worth of my trust.
Courtney Humble says
Thank you for reminder that God cares and He is near.
Carol says
Yesterday I sat in my garden & cried, my D had self harmed again. I cried out to God, I just didn’t get why He doesn’t intervene. She has no friends, it’s heart breaking.
Today I went to church, its so hard to give honest answers when someone asks how things are … I just don’t get it but I’m still trying to trust Him in/through it all.
Mary Carver says
Carol, I understand well what you’ve shared here. I’m praying for you to feel God’s presence and for Him to provide friends who can and will receive your honest answers. Sometimes things really are not fine, and we need to be able to say so.
Mary Carver says
Brittany, thank you so much for sharing your heart and your story here. As someone who deeply loves one with this same struggle, I’m grateful for your courage, your determination that we aren’t alone in our pain that doesn’t end. I’m praying God will bless your message and give you peace.