We live in a time and culture where you can get just about anything you want right when you want it. The other day, I didn’t have time to run to the store for filters for my air purifier but, with a few clicks, it was at my doorstep the next morning. When it comes to social media, my algorithm is completely different from my neighbors’ which is completely different than their own spouses’. Everything seems to be tailored to us and provides instant gratification.
But when it comes to church participation and building friendships? We sometimes expect things to be just as instant. But the truth is that this outlook is transactional and even objectifying.
Our culture has taught us to see one another as objects. In dating, maybe you have a list in your head of what would make the perfect spouse. What qualities do they have? What are your preferences? And that’s all good and well – we should have standards for a healthy partner. But have you considered that you don’t actually want what’s just on a list but a human being to be in partnership with?
Have you considered that this person will have flaws and they’ll change over time?
Or maybe those things that you think you can change aren’t going anywhere?
I know a whole lot of people who say that if they’d met their spouse in another context, they might have passed right by because they weren’t the “idea” of the person that was in their head.
Do we have an idea of what the perfect church or friend is? Do we long for an ideal place full of people who always do exactly what we want them to do? Or do we deeply love the church for what it actually is – flaws and all?
I have to admit that I often want relationships with people who reach out to me first. I hope that I’ll never have to be the one to initiate getting together. But I have to ask: am I willing to reach out more than once or twice to connect with someone? Do I long for the good of others so much that I can get out of my own way and love them without needing something from them?
A.A. Milne, the author of Winnie-the-Pooh, writes, “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
As a single woman who lives alone, I am learning to treat my church like a true home and the people inside it like a true family. And part of that is recognizing the fact that I’m going to let them down and they’re going to let me down. There are going to be moments when we disagree and there are certainly going to be moments when our calendars do not line up and one or both of us will believe that the other just doesn’t care. When we remember that we are committed to one another, it allows us to start seeing our friendships in the church like we see our family — commitment that transcends seasons and schedules.
But just like a family, a church is made up of people who carry sin and all kinds of baggage. So as much as I believe the church is a home for us, I also carry that in tension with the fact that there is hurt and nuance to relationships because we’re all broken in some way. Jesus is making us new, yes, but we’re not going to be perfect on this side of eternity.
This thing that we’re doing? Coming to church and choosing to be with one another? It’s not always easy because home is not always an easy place to exist.
Luckily, we have many examples in Scripture of how to relate to one another.
Jesus does not call us only friends. Or only followers. Or only co-laborers. No, He also calls us family.
On the Cross, when Jesus is dying, He sees His mother, Mary. As the eldest son he knows that she needs to be cared for, so He turns to John. John 19:26-27 (ESV) records, “When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, ‘Woman, here is your son,’ and then he said to the disciple, ‘Behold your Mother!’”
Jesus is always reminding us that we belong to one another.
By the grace of God, we are given the gift of imperfect friendships. When we set down our desires for perfection, we find people who are actually present in daily life. When we set aside our assumptions and demands, we can encounter — in the most unexpected ways — people who are trying to figure out how to live like Jesus.
When we fix our eyes on Him, we can be planted on steady ground.
Our hope is not in the relationships we find in the church, but our shared hope gives us everything in common, even if we would otherwise be strangers.
So we have to start with the start. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by making friends at church, begin by asking someone to lunch or inviting them to meet you for ice cream. Listen to their story. You might be surprised at how fun people are when you see them for who they are and not just who you expect them to be.
Melissa,
This is a very good article. It’s hard to write about church, family, and relationships when you know so many have experienced disappointment in those relationships we worked hard to make. But we keep trying because of what you said about what we have in common, which is a great place to start and to focus.
Agreed, our common ground really allows us to see each other well!
Melissa,
I appreciate your insights on our church family… You are so right
Sending you joy,
Lisa Wilt
Thanks for reading with us, Lisa!
Melissa I love what you wrote on incourage. I love Winnie the Pooh. My Dad not saved introduced me to Winnie the Pooh. By reading the Book with Christopher Robin in it. The original book of Winnie thee Pooh. That you see Christopher Robin bumping Winnie the Pooh teddy down the stairs. I don’t let it take over my life and God get less time from me. But saying of Winnie the Pooh that I have on my living room that one of my best Friends bought me in a picture that I got framed. It says “We’ll be friends forever” said Piglet. “Even longer” said Pooh. Pooh and Piglet go together. You don’t hear much about Christopher Robin in Winnie the Pooh. All the other characters in Winnie the Pooh are Friends too with with like kanga Roo & Eero. When I look at the them and even though it made up. It has made me see from a Christian point of view this. Shows us that the way they were all Friends especially Pooh and Piglet. How they all cared for either. Showed that love for either. It reminds me of Jesus love for us and the way he cared for us to go to Calvary for us. Jesus will never stops being our Friend who is there for us we can pray to him in need of help. Pooh was always there for his Friends like Jesus for us. We can get that we think when have troubles of our own no one cares. We can see ourselves at not that brave. When God see us as brave. One other saying in Winnie the Pooh. That speaks to me. To do with what God would say to me too. That my best Friend also bought me that I have up in my living room too. When Pooh and Piglet are going for a walk in it. It says “Promise me that you will always remember that you’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think” Pooh say it to Piglet” God would say that to us and has said that to me in the past. As I don’t have the bravery to do things that I should do and that is at times stand up for myself. I let people as the saying walk over me. I say I’ll do if they ask me for a quite life. Especially if it Family wanting me to do it. As if I don’t they that are not saved can and have said it your not being very Christian. I am would not be that strong to do that. That is why I can let people walk all over me. As they that are not saved can and have said. Dawn will do it. My Husband has said to me in thee past you have already done enough. You have to think of your Health as I suffer seizures. One time I was doing my usual things I do Monday to Friday to help. Someone that needs it. They asked me to do extra. I did for a quiet life. Then exchistion set in after that. As I done to much and a few days later I took a couple of seizures. As my body couldn’t cope with the extra I did so God reminded me of the Winnie the Pooh saying from time to time and this one I just said about. That I am braver and stronger than I think as God is with me. Giving me the strength to say no can’t do anymore than what I have did Monday to Friday. As I have to think of my Health. I am still Friends with them and love them they are still Family I pray for them especially when they are not saved. People not saved think some of them about themselves and no one else at time. Church we can find the true Friendship to help us. As they show us love Jesus love and that they care like Jesus would for us. Thank you for today reading. I love it especially all you said and the Winnie the Pooh bit. As People hardly ever talk about Winnie the Pooh. But you make smile when you put Winnie the Pooh into your devotional today. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland xx
Thank you for being here, Dawn! Praying for endurance!
My church family is what keeps me going. I’m a 70 year old widow with 2 children who live in 2 different states. And that church family can be trying sometimes too. But I love them dearly.
Well said and I’m so glad you have them to encourage you along!
Amen, we are FAMILY!!
Dear Melissa, Your words today are very uplifting and encouraging. My problem is a little different. Because my ex-husband has the violent form of dementia and came very close to killing me, I had to evict him from our home of 40 years. I am 76 years old and we were married for 55 years, so it was difficult to do this, but all his doctors told me that the next thing he would do was get one of his guns and kill me and 10 minutes later, he would not remember that he did it. I had been the one that noticed 3 and a half years before that his mind was failing and got him to the neurologists , but he did not believe them and even now after 6 years, still does not think there is anything wrong. I have 1 son and 1 grandson with him, and I used to leave our son voice mails about the condition of his father. He kept telling me that I was lying. Before all these other things happened he called me one night, which he never did and said, You are a liar, liar, liar and I no longer consider you my mother and you will never ever be able to speak or see your grandson again (he was 12 at the time) and he hung up on me. This was a heartbreaking moment for me that has lasted 2 years now. I had to sell our home as we both needed money and he is in one facility and I am in another. I have no other family and nowhere else to go, so even though I don’t really need to be here, there was nowhere else to go by myself. You may wonder why am I telling you all of this, but you needed to know how your words helped me so much. I have a few friends, but they all have husbands and large extended families as they are close to my age. In the beginning they used to call me all the time, but except for 1, they do not call anymore as they don’t know what else to say. This has hurt my feelings, but I guess I can understand somewhat. The facility that I live in has about 100 people living here, mostly women but several couples as well. They did not take to me very well when I got here. Nobody, not 1 person spoke to me or asked if they could help me. I cried and prayed a lot for months, but I kept trying to talk to them and ask if they needed help. Very slowly, one by one I was able to get some of their confidence that I was a very nice person and I helped them. The word got around and now very many of them like and talk to me. They wonder why I moved in here, and I do not tell them what I am going through. So I love the fact that Jesus calls us family (your beautiful words). I don’t feel as lonely as I did when I moved in as I knew Jesus and my Holy Spirit were with me. To be honest with you Melissa, there are days when I do wish that I had human being friends or family. Living alone is rough especially since I do have a family, but they have all abandoned me. My son knows now that his father is very sick, but I had hoped he would come back to me, but he did not. Even though it has been almost 2 years now, it is not any less heartbreaking as it was when I got that phone call. He and I had a very close relationship and he was the sweetest person you would ever want to meet until at age 35 he married and his wife hates me. I am sure she said to him, ” It’s either your mother or me.” You can guess who won that battle. Melissa, I am so sorry that I rambled on, but there is so much more to this and too much to tell. 2 years and nothing has been resolved. Thank you so much for all your words. I always read these devotions again after lunch so I make sure I didn’t miss anything the first time. My love and prayers and gratitude go out to you and all of the (in) community. You are all angels……Betsy Basile