When it comes to a crisis, the seven most useless words in the English language are “Let me know if I can help.” Because the last thing a person needs when they are in the middle of a crisis is one more decision to make.
Recently, when my husband and I were going through a challenging season physically, we had a number of people tell us, “Let me know if I can help.” And while I love the heart behind those words, the last thing I could do was strategize the “what, when, and how” of support. It was easier to just say, “No, thank you. We’re fine.”
But then, I have other friends who have taken the art of supporting a loved one to a new level.
I have a great friend, Mary, who is the gift card friend. Usually, it’s a DoorDash card, but sometimes she brings one for a local grocery store if there is going to be an ongoing need.
I have one friend, Cheri, who is the drive-by bagel friend. When there is a crisis, she has been known to show up at my house with my Starbucks order (venti skinny vanilla latte) and a dozen assorted bagels with two different flavors of cream cheese. So easy to grab and go when you need something to eat but don’t want to think.
Another friend, Amberly, is the gathering friend. When we first received the diagnosis of our dog Moose’s lymphoma, she gathered a bunch of my friends and created a box with things that Roger, Moose, and I would love. There was cheese and chocolates for the humans, and dog treats and a lamb stuffy for Moose. It was a box of joy, and it was perfect.
My friend Susy and I are the “Soup Friends.” When someone is in need, the only question we ask is, “Would tomorrow at 3:00 be a good time for me to drop off dinner?” Then we show up with soup and the fixings.
Even though I may not be the one in crisis, having soup already decided makes helping so much easier. I have those ingredients on hand, it’s delicious, and I don’t have to make decisions on my end. My friend in need doesn’t need to make decisions on her end. (And yes, I have a backup, vegetable soup, for friends who may be dairy-free or vegetarian.)
Once I’ve made the decision to bring a friend soup, the rest is simple.
- The soup recipe: I have all the ingredients in the pantry or freezer.
- The container: I have a few plastic bowls from the dollar store that I don’t need to get back.
- The dessert: I can usually bake a pan of brownies (in a foil pan) while the soup is cooking on the stove. If not, I will pick up brownies at the store.
- The sides: I stop at the store on the way and pick up a loaf of French bread and a bagged salad that already has the dressing.
- The carrier: If I know the recipient will be home, the whole meal can be packed into a grocery bag. If they might not be home, I pick up a “hot and cold” bag at the store and put a Ziploc bag of ice inside.
The key is, that I’m not dropping off anything that needs to be returned. Again, my goal is to eliminate as many decisions and extra tasks for my friend as possible.
When a friend is in the fight of her life, the verse that stands out is Galatians 6:2 (NIV):
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Because the burden for our friends is not just the crisis, but also the inevitable daily tasks, such as feeding themselves and those around them. Showing up with that extra large bowl of soup eliminates a lot of burdens.
How do we get better at this? What can we do to avoid saying the dreaded “let me know if I can help”?
Create a crisis response plan before the crisis happens. Figure out what kind of friend you will be. The gift card friend? The bagel friend? The soup friend? Then prepare accordingly.
- Squirrel away gift cards when you have extra cash.
- Stock up on the ingredients a little at a time.
- Find out about any allergies or food preferences of the people you’ll be caring for.
- Buy disposable plates, bowls, bags, and other packaging materials.
Oh, and if you need a soup recipe that is a winner, here is my go-to recipe.
Cream of Chicken and Wild Rice Soup
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 60 minutes
Yield: 4 bowls or 8 cups
Ingredients
6 T. unsalted butter
3 celery ribs, chopped
2 carrots, chopped
1 medium yellow onion, chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
1½ tsp. finely chopped fresh thyme
½ tsp. fresh rosemary, chopped
Salt and pepper, to taste
¼ cup all-purpose flour
1 cup wild rice (5 ounces)
2 quarts chicken stock
2 cups water
4 cups chopped, cooked chicken
1 cup heavy cream
Directions
- In a large saucepan, melt the butter. Add the celery, carrots, onion, garlic, thyme, rosemary, salt, and pepper (I start out with ¼ teaspoon each of salt and pepper and then adjust while simmering), and cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until the vegetables just start to soften, about 10 to 12 minutes. Sprinkle the flour over the vegetables and cook, stirring, until evenly coated and lightly browned, about 3 to 5 minutes.
- Add the wild rice to the saucepan and gradually stir in the stock and water. Bring to a boil, then simmer over medium-low heat, stirring occasionally, until the vegetables are tender, about 30 minutes.
- Add the chicken and simmer, stirring occasionally, until the wild rice is tender, about 10 to 15 minutes.
- Stir in the cream and season with more salt and pepper, if desired.
Carrying each other’s burdens doesn’t have to be complicated, but it does need to be practical. When a crisis hits, bring a latte, fold the laundry, take kids to school, or start a prayer chain. Be the soup friend—or whatever kind of friend God calls you to be!
Ready to become the Soup Friend and master the art of crisis support? Pre-order Kathi’s book, Sabbath Soup today and receive an exclusive bonus: “Soup’s On! Four Weekly Meal Plans to Help You Enjoy a True Day of Rest.”
Kathi,
If you lived next door, we would be friends!
I’m also the soup lady…sometimes lasagna…sometimes meatballs and always salad, brownies and french garlic bread! I have a baked potato soup recipe that is better than Panera’s according to my family.
I shared your devotion x 2 because if others didn’t have a mom like mine or a friend like you, they may not realize what a blessing it is to have a friend bring food when you’re sick.
Lisa – we would be friends!
Salad, brownies and garlic bread are the magic combo to make any main dish a meal!
Do you share your baked potato soup recipes with strangers on the internet? I would love to try it!
Dear Kathi……I started laughing when I finally had time to sit down at my computer and read today’s devotion. You made me laugh as I had just come up stairs to my apartment after saying the worst words you mentioned, even though I am in a very serious crisis myself. Actually more than 4 things hang over my head and I an 76 years old, soon to be 77 this month. It is not easy at all when you get older. When I was 40 and a manager for a large company in C/S, I did not think about how things would be when I was much older. I could have probably handled them easier and quicker at that time, but when I turned 70, things started to change, in my body, my home and even in the 45 minute drive to where I worked started to make me weary before I got there. I had to face the facts that maybe I couldn’t do all the things I did before and after our company merged (which I still don’t know why) with a bankrupt company, I knew it was time for me to retire. They were changing everything and trying to get all of us managers who had been with them for 35 to 45 years and of course we were higher paid employees out of the mix. So my one very good friend who was there 40 years was not quite old enough to get her best benefits stayed. She told me Betsy, you did the right thing. You can’t believe how bad it is here now. Eventually the whole company went down the tubes. I have always been the card lady, the soup lady ( love your recipe) and the “Is there anything I can do to help? ” lady. My husband has dementia and got very close to killing me as he was in denial and didn’t know 10 minutes later what he had done and to whom. My 1 son called me and told me I was a liar and he no longer considered me his mother and my 1 grandson who was 12 at the time. they would never let me see or talk to him again and he hung up. Two years later, I still have not seen or heard from any of them and they are my only family, so to speak now. This has been a very heartbreaking thing for me and still continues to be. I pray and pray and pray some more, but I know God works on His timeline and I just get too impatient. I live in one facility and my now ex-husband as of 2 weeks ago after 55 years, lives elsewhere. Enough of these maudlin stories, but I do love your story and will save it to read over and over again. Thank you Kathi and I send my prayers and love to you and your family. I hope you enjoy your weekend……………..Betsy Basile
Dear Betsy,
Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. I’m touched that my story resonated with you and even made you laugh during such a difficult time. Your resilience in the face of so many challenges is truly inspiring.
I’m sorry to hear about the painful family situation you’re going through. Please know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can find moments of peace and comfort, perhaps in small acts of kindness like being the “soup lady” for others when you’re able.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your strength shines through your words. Wishing you all the best.
With care,
Kathi
This is one of the most PRACTICAL lessons I’ve heard in a long time. The suggestions are super. I am going to be one from now on that doesn’t say, “Call me if you need anything,” but one who says, “I will see you at such and such time if it’s convenient to bring this or that or the other.” Thank you for helping others see HOW to help. I think we all want to, it’s just that we’ve never realized the one in crisis doesn’t need one more decision to make. I plan to share this lesson with several friends. Thanks again.
Dear Sharon,
Thank you so much for your enthusiastic feedback! I’m thrilled that you found the lesson practical and helpful. Your plan to take action and offer specific help rather than vague offers is exactly what I hoped to inspire. It means a lot to know you’ll be sharing these ideas with others too. Together, we can make a real difference in how we support those going through tough times. Thanks for being the hands and feet!
Kathi
Excellent practical tips. Thank you!!
Thanks Felicia!
Great ideas Kathi! I am the gift card friend, delivering it inside a handmade card. Often there is a meal to go with it and I consider it a ministry. God calls us to bless each other and you are certainly doing that! Love your articles. Hugs and prayers ❤️
Terry – We all need the gift card friend! So generous and practical (and I love that you make a card to go with it. What a treasure!)
Kathi
I love these ideas and can’t wait for our never ending house remodel to be done so I can be that person again! I was at Costco yesterday and remembered your post about your supply run! It made me wish I’d gone on the same day so we could run into each other again in the food aisles and share tips and tricks on what to buy. Jim still laughs at that “funny friend you ran into at Trader Joe’s that was down off the mountain buying supplies”. Whenever I am telling friends what a great writer and speaker you are, he always shares the story.
Janine – I will never forget that “meet up”! And with some construction going on around here, it is even more of a “trek” to get here.
I once read, never ask someone what they need when they are facing life’s challenges because most times they won’t ask.
I’ve learned to just do something. Show up with a meal (unannounced) or send an electronic gift card, Sometimes I just drop the meal and run.
Such a great devotion and reminder!
I love this plan Areum – just show up. (Whether it’s in the flesh or in the inbox…)
It is so nice to “help”. Thank God for earthly angels.
Amen!
Such good advice. I think it’s good to use what we have and show up in the ways that we can to support our friends and people alike.
Yes – all of us have some kind of abundance most of the time – even if that abundance is just 15 minutes to fold laundry!
I don’t have any friends. There’s no one that would do this for me.
Hi Julie, I want to encourage you in two ways.
First, to have friends we must be a friend. That is more challenging for some of us who are introverts or have social anxiety, but the principle holds true. We don’t do friendly things for others so we can someday make a withdrawal from all the friendly deposits we’ve made over the years. We love, help, show kindness and hospitality because that’s what God calls all believers to do.
Second, as the one who is usually the giver, we sometimes find ourselves in need with no one showing up to help. In those times, we have an opportunity to cling more closely to God as He is our only help and companion. I have always taken food to those in need and helped with chores for elderly, homebound, or those who’ve had a severe sickness or surgery. These things give my life purpose and joy.
After three surgeries in one month in 2010, no one checked on me or came to help. After I was well, I continued caring for others as I always had without any bitterness.
From 2018-2020 I was homebound with severe sickness. No one came to my rescue. I was in the top 5% active church members, but it felt that no one missed me and no one cared. Only three church friends checked on me or sent a card in that long time. For 23 months, I lived alone and almost helpless. This time around, I struggled and had to forgive and pray for others and ask God to remove the bitterness from my heart.
Though no one came to my aide, God took care of me. The local drug store started home delivery. Walmart started offering curbside pickup. God met my needs in so many creative ways.
It taught me to rely on God and help others but not have expectations for them to do things. We are disappointed when our expectations are not met. Sometimes, we need to change our expectations. Sometimes, we need to change our perspective. God is our Help. That is His promise, and we can count on it, regardless of whether other believers follow His commandment to love others as themselves and show hospitality.
In 2022, I was still very sick but caring for a loved one with rapid onset progressive supranuclear palsy. While he was sick and after he passed, no one offered to help with food or cleaning out his things. I was confused because it was routine for us church ladies to prepare and take food in these situations. I still don’t know why no one offered to help. The only thing I can figure is that God was cementing the lesson for me to learn to depend solely on Him and not other people for my needs. This deepened my understanding of God’s love and His promise to care for us. It deepened my relationship with God, which is more valuable than any casserole that was not brought.
Getting back to my comfortable role of being the hospitable friend was even more meaningful. This time I saw things from a different perspective. I knew what it felt like to be in need with no one helping me. This gave me greater joy to serve others than what I had ever had before, and it helped me to put more effort into asking God who I need to help and keeping my eyes open for opportunities.
I pray that you will trust God to meet your needs, show hospitality to others, forgive others for their failings, and ask God to take away any bitterness from feeling forgotten or left alone. Jesus Christ is always with you if you trust Him as your Lord whom you obey and trust and your Savior for eternity.
Thank you so much for your kind words !
You are welcome. I will be praying for you, my sister in Christ.
Kathi, your article speaks to my heart. You gave words to something that we all need to understand and do. You are right, people in need aren’t in the position to tell someone the what and when of how to help them. We need to take initiative to meet their needs without their instruction. Hospitality comes more easily to those of us for whom it is our spiritual gift, but God’s Word instructs us all to be hospitable and helpful.
Dear Kathi Thank you so much for your post! I truly appreciate the hard work and the dedication!!!! 😉 Keep it up! ✌️ it is an encouragement daily for the inspiration to continue on this journey called life! I am a student at Azusa Pacific University! 😉 I have leaned on resources like this one! You have no idea how grateful I am for your posts & blog! 😉 THANK YOU
Kathi,
Love the idea of being a “soup friend”. Marie was going through “old age parents”. She had both her dad & stepdad in the ER. At the same time my neighbor had just lost a son. We were going to KFC so I decided to get Marie & hubby some food. We stopped by as she was getting home. I said here’s lunch. Another time Marie’s husband was in ER for a few days. When they got home I went back to KFC & got them a bucket of food for lunch. Called her on the way & said coming with lunch. When my dad died Marie was kind enough to get food for us for dinner that night.
My biggest problem right now is that I don’t know my church people that well. I often ask if they need anything. When I get to know them better I will simply make food or get items for them.
Many years ago my pastor’s MIL was having financial troubles. MIL lived in WV & daughter lived in TN. Our church decided to surprise them with gift cards & non perishable foods for the MIL. We also gave the Kathy & Richard (pastor & wife) some money. It was all a big surprise. We planned a women’s meeting on the same night as board was meeting. Had the two of them come out & surprised them with the stuff. They cried. I knew I was part of something God orchestrated.
Blessings 🙂
We text folks to see if we can just drop by in “x” minutes. We drop off a treat or a meal in a plastic container that we don’t need back. I have started to write a message on the container. Something like: “Just a little smile to share with you today”, or “heat this for about 2 minutes in a glass container in your microwave and enjoy”, “Jesus nudged me to bring you a little treat! Enjoy!” It has been fun to share those long distance smiles and just letting them know they are on my mind.
One of our church members brought me a big bag full of plastic containers, so I can keep this going.
I have just started writing a message on the plastic containers when I take things to our shut-ins.
“Have a blessed day!”
“Sharing a smile with you today! Enjoy your surprise!”
“Thinking of you and wishing you a day full of JOY!”
This is great when we just drop a little something by for them to step out and collect. I often just send a text asking if they are home ahead of time and then another to say, check outside your door!
(I sent a similar message to this a bit ago. I thought this message was lost, but it just disappeared from the screen!)
Kathi,
We would definitely be friends if we lived closer. I also live in CA but on the Central Coast. I’m usually the one who brings meals to people & send cards. I’m actually way behind on reading the devotionals because we were on a 50th Anniversary trip then a month after we got back I had major back surgery. Now I’m on the other end of the receiving end & have been so blessed! We have so many friends who brought things & you’re right when friends say let me know what I can do….it’s hard when you’re in bed, in pain & can’t think beyond the moment. My husband is my hero!!! He normally doesn’t do the cooking or shopping but has been amazing & even brings me coffee! He’s a tea drinker & just learned how to make my morning coffee! He’s kept up with the shopping, laundry & cleaning the areas visitor’s would see! I’ve had friends come with flowers, food & staying when I started feeling better to visit. I haven’t been back to church yet & miss it so much but a friend invited me to spend the morning with her & watch it on-line so my husband can go to church & have that fellowship. It’s been a little over 3 weeks now since my surgery & I’m doing really well. Still not able to cook but slowly getting back into walking & doing what little things I can. Your devotional is spot on!!! I also keep dollar store containers or large containers that had food in them that I take to friends that they don’t have to return. I love the idea of bagels & cream cheese! Lord bless you Kathi!
Barbara –
First and foremost, I pray that you continue to heal and regain strength.
Second, you’ve just taught a masterclass on how to care for someone who is in the midst of a hard time. Your friend coming to watch church with you so that your husband can go to church and see humans again – what a gift! I love that your friend took care of you, and your husband, all at the same time.