Twenty-five years ago today, I gave birth to twin sons — three months after I turned twenty-five myself. As I prepared to be a mama, I thought I was as adult-y as one gets. And I never thought I knew more about parenting than I did before actually becoming a parent. I know kids, I told myself back then. After all, I was a big sister to two younger sisters. I regularly babysat other people’s children. I taught elementary school children from kindergarten through 5th grade.

In some ways, I certainly did know kids. But as with many things in life, I didn’t know nearly as much as I thought I did. Once I became a mom, I learned that having peripheral experience with other people’s children is a lot different from the neck-deep experience of raising my own.

Still, there was something about raising small wee-watts that came naturally to me. In all honesty, I took to parenting younger children better than I took to my more recent season of “doing life with” adult kids. I’m sure part of that had to do with the level of control I had then versus now. With little kids, the greater element of control means that if your two-year-old is doing something you don’t like, you can pick her up and remove her from the activity in question.

With adult kids, there’s no such thing, of course.

Now, there’s SO MUCH I love about having adult kids. I love having amazing conversations with them that provide a window into the top-notch humans they are. I love hearing them relay what God is doing in their lives. I love sharing memes and jokes and laughing with them till my sides split. They’re spectacular people. But as one who can be “extra” and sometimes overstep with the best of intentions, I’ve had to learn a more laid-back approach to being with my adult kids.

To embrace that, here are five things I’ve discovered that help (and not hurt!) my relationship with my adult kids:

1. Make like a houseplant. This bit o’wisdom is from my friend, Jamie, who insightfully suggests that when it comes to adult kids, talk less and listen more. I’ve learned to make like a houseplant in the corner of the room and not speak till spoken to (mostly – -heh). Truly, though, this houseplant visual is a helpful one for me because I’m prone to chime in with my “wisdom” on all manner of things. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that per se. But these days with my adult kids I’m more careful to make those words “quality over quantity.” 

2. Love them where they are, not where you wish they were. Our adult kids aren’t us, and this fact eventually proves they’re going to make choices we wouldn’t — and that we’d prefer they didn’t. But that’s okay. Odds are good that you and I made choices our parents wouldn’t have chosen either! We can offer them the benefit of our experience through sharing our perspective as we feel led to do so, but we love them well when we accept that they are going to make choices we don’t necessarily endorse. 

3. Think of yourself as a peer more than a parent. Of course, we still are their parents. That will never change. But since this stage of life is for mentoring more than parenting, I often think of myself as their peer over their parent so I don’t overstep with the free advice. Adult kids aren’t really interested in our advice unless they ask for it. (Ask me how I know!)

4. Get together with your girlfriends. Mamas with adult kids need friends who have adult kids. One more time for the people in the back: MAMAS WITH ADULT KIDS NEED FRIENDS WITH ADULT KIDS. Therefore, when your grown-up darling does something you don’t agree with, you can share your feelings about it with those friends. In return, your friends will have much wisdom and perspective to share with you because 9.8 times out of 10, they will have been where you are — or will be in the future. And whether they can identify with your every parenting struggle or not, they can pray for your kids alongside you. It’s an invaluable gift to have friends who pray for your kids like they pray for their own. 

5. Remember God loves your kids more than you do. The older my kids become, the more I find that I have to trust God to reach my kids from the inside out, instead of trying to affect their behavior or choices from the outside in myself. I’d like to spare them from any hardship, and yet I know that through hardship God refines them into the people they’re meant to be — just like their parents are. Yes, we know our kids well, but God knows them even better. He knows what they need more than we do. He’s got a hand under our kids, and our kids are in good hands because of that.

It’s scary to fully release our kids into the world. But we aren’t helpless, either. While we can’t “do” for our adult kids like we used to, we can pray our guts out for God to do for them what’s best for them. We can be thankful that Jesus walks with them — and us. We can, in as far as it depends on us, live at peace with our children.

And in the meantime, we can water those growing plants through presence and prayer… and less talking. 

If you’re the mama of a recent graduate who’s flitting from the nest, Kristen has written The Changing Nest: A Devotional for the Mom of the Graduate just for you.

Listen to Kristen’s devotion below or wherever you stream podcasts.

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