I saw the notification for a missed call from my brother. No voice mail, no follow-up text. My heart dropped. Something terrible must have happened.
Panicked, I called him back right away. He picked up laughing.
“Sorry!” he said. “I didn’t mean to freak you out. I didn’t even mean to call!”
“But,” he added, “it happened at the most chaotic moment of my morning, so I figured you would’ve been the perfect person anyway.”
We laughed long and hard. I peeled my anxiety off the ceiling. He shared his morning chaos, well known to working parents: a sick kid, a closed daycare, a last-minute scramble for back-up.
I told him I’d missed his call because I was doing a mad-dash clean-up of our messy house. Our beloved summer babysitter was on her way over, and even though she knew our chaos, the current state of affairs was too much, even for our nearest and dearest.
“See, I told you,” he laughed again. “You know chaos better than anyone!”
After we got off the phone, I kept thinking about his words, that I’d be the perfect person to call in chaos.
Truth is, he’s right in more ways than one. As a working mother of five kids, I live amid chaos 24/7. Sometimes it overwhelms me, but over the years I have built up muscles I didn’t know I had. Muscles that help me juggle seven people’s schedules, hunger, needs, and joys; keep a house sorta running for all of us to survive; and tend to my body, heart, and soul while caring for those I’m called to love.
But in a deeper way, I’ve become well-acquainted with other chaos I never wanted.
Grief. Illness. Suffering. Death.
I keep praying for peace and tranquility in my life. But that doesn’t seem to be what God sends. God keeps asking me to build up my strength and capacity for chaos — to become someone who can sit with others in their hard places, and dig deep into solidarity and compassion.
One of my favorite Scripture passages (as someone who keeps finding herself in chaos) comes from the Bible’s first words: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters” (Genesis 1:1-2 NIV).
Another translation says “The earth was complete chaos, and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters” (Genesis 1:2 NRSVUE). First, there was darkness and chaos, unnerving and empty. But then God’s Spirit moved, and the Word was spoken: Let there be light.
I’ve long loved the image of the Spirit hovering over the waters, gentle as a bird or rushing as a breeze, as God creates for the first time out of chaos.
Because more often than not, my own life feels chaotic. In small ways — what are we having for dinner, where is that kid’s permission slip, did anyone change the laundry, when was that bill due, is someone getting sick upstairs? — and in big ways.
Why did I get cancer?
Why couldn’t our children survive?
How does the world keep falling apart, worse and worse every day?
Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing amid all this mess?
Over the years, as I’ve spent much time in chaos, reflecting on chaos, I’ve come to realize how much the Genesis creation story teaches us about the conflicts and challenges we encounter in our own lives.
First, chaos is only — and always — the start of the story. Morning sickness, messy first drafts, and even the Monday school rush have taught me that beginnings can be difficult. But we can’t lose heart when we encounter chaos. God might be drawing near in ways we can’t see, hovering close to our murky waters. Every masterpiece starts with a sketch, and even chaos can be the first step to something beautiful coming next.
Second, we can’t forget to breathe. The word for Spirit in Hebrew is ruah, which can be translated as wind, breath, or spirit. When I get tense, anxious, or fearful in the face of chaos, I often hold my breath and forget how much it helps to slow down and breathe deeply. As small as it sounds, breathing reminds me of the presence of God’s Holy Spirit within me, breathed into my lungs by God at the beginning of my life. When I reconnect with the Spirit that moved like a mighty wind at the dawn of creation, I remember that I have never been left alone to face the chaos on my own.
Finally, in a strange way, chaos can remind us that God is near — a sign that the Spirit is ready to create and recreate among us.
God is already here. When chaos comes — and it will come — we don’t have to get entangled or entrapped within it; we just need to hover over it. Because the truth is, we can’t complete the creative, restorative, or redemptive work of God. All we can do is trust that the Spirit is present.
God is always hovering close, whenever and wherever we need.
This is a totally different way to look at chaos.
Thank you
I’ll share it x2!
Sending you Summer joy,
Lisa Wilt
Thank you so much, Lisa! It has been so helpful for me, too. Blessings on your summer!
Dear Laura,
My heart goes out to you along with my prayers as you continue to recover from your cancer surgery & everything that went along with it. My husband was diagnosed with melanoma in ’05 on his face & has had several surgeries connected with that. God is good & Jerry is still with me. We just celebrated our 50th Anniversary on July 7th.
Lord bless you Laura as you navigate life with 5 sons, a wonderful husband & a career. Jerry & I have learned over the years that enjoy each day to the fullest with all the chaos included. You’ve been blessed with 5 wonderful sons who love you dearly. We have 2 son’s & 1 daughter. Allow yourself time to rest & gather your strength. Also, enjoy those precious boys daily before you know it they’ll be all grown & on their own. Time together is very precious & there’s a time limit that we can’t slow down.
My daughter lived in Madison, WI for 7 years, it’s a beautiful area not far from you! I live in Central CA & love it here even with all the extreme heat we’ve had the past couple of weeks.
Lord bless you as you’ve blessed so many Laura!
Thank you so much, Barb! Praising God with you for your husband, marriage, and family – what incredible gifts! Grateful for your encouragement and prayers.
Dear Laura………..I loved your story today and it exactly matched what I have been going through in a little different way as I am 77 years old, so no small children or that type of chaos. Nevertheless, I am in a different season as you and believe me, there can still be chaos in this season. I have had so many things piling up on me which begins with my husband having dementia( the violent kind ) and he almost killed me. This was just the start. I love your words, ” Chaos is only the start” and the story about our Creator and what happened. Today is a very emotional, difficult day for me. As you, I have prayed and prayed to God for strength, peace and help. I also did not hear back. Finally after 17 months, my husband has decided to sign the PSA papers with the sell of the house and the divorce. I have to drive somewhere than I am not sure of and I am scared, tired and just don’t have anyone to help me get there. My son dismissed me as his mother as he said I was lying about his father’s condition and that I will never be able to speak or see my 13 year old grandson ever again and he hung up; As you can imagine as you have children, a call like that has broken my heart over and over again for 17 months. He knows now that his father is sick, but he never came back just to say he was sorry for not helping me. That hurts me even more. Somehow I need the strength to get there today and sign those papers, so I will pray again as soon as I finish your email. The women at incourage are like Angels sent to me to help me and help me you have so many, many times. Sorry I rambled on, but this has been a very complicated thing, has cost me alot of money, but my faith remains unshakeable and strong . My Holy Spirit helps me so much with his guidance. So many people here forget about Him and I tell them to try talking to Him and really listen to him or sometimes He nudges me if I have lost something and have started to panic, and sure enough I have felt that nudge and there is the object I thought I lost. Thank you so much Laura. I will read your story over and over today and pray. Have a blessed day and my prayers for you I also send with a Big Hug, if that is all right……………….Betsy Basile
I am praying for you Betsy! Our Lord Jesus sees and hears you! He loves you dearly! May He encourage your heart and be the Lifter of your head. May Jehovah Jirah provide for your every need, body, soul and spirit! He is with you and will NEVER leave you nor forsake you! His angels are with you to guard you in all your ways! May He heal you and restore you! For He is the God of restoration! May the Lord bless you richly, more than you can contain!!!
Beautiful words, Donna – Amen!
Dear Betsy, read today’s devotional on Dayspring.com titled, Caught by the Spirit. It will comfort and encourage you.
Thank you so much Donna for your replies on my problems. I have to go now, but I will definitely read that one on Dayspring. Caught by the Spirit. I do appreciate your helping me……………Betsy
Dear Betsy – praying hard for you today. I am so sorry for all the suffering you are carrying, and I pray that God’s Spirit will draw near and stay close, to give you peace that surpasses understanding in the midst of your storm. Will keep you in my prayers as I go.
Betsy,
Prayers sweet sister. Asking God to send you the strength you need to handle all this! May you feel His peace & love surrounding you as you deal with all this. Asking for Jesus to bring friends your way to encourage & uplift you.
(XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX)
Hugs
Blessings 🙂
Laura,
My chaos started in 2007 when I was caregiver for my aging parents. They both had dementia. It was tough not knowing when the phone would ring. My dad’s dementia turned to psych issues. That scared me at first. I knew all along that God was there with me. He was right beside me hovering over the chaos & calming my mind, body & spirit.
Blessings 🙂