There was a tree on our sheep farm in the South African outback that had a trunk that looked like it had tried to make a U-turn. Where it once grew straight it had taken a sharp right turn before continuing to grow up toward the sky.
The tree looked like that because one of my dad’s older brothers had crashed into it on a night he was drunk and lost control of his car at that bend in the road. And now there is a permanent bend in that tree.
Family trees are like that.
We grow up out of the soil of the stories that are so long ago and once upon a time that they might feel unconnected to our regular Tuesday afternoons. But, the branches in our family trees keep long records, ring upon ring, of where we come from and who we come from, and they map the ways in which we have changed directions.
We used to make fun of that tree. My father named it after his brother. We laughed when we passed it, a ridiculous landmark on our farm that made the brother ridiculous.
Years of laughter passed unchecked until a day when my father pushed pause on the story. Then rewind.
Then he recorded a new narrative. “That’s sad what we did, what I did — making fun of my brother like that. It’s ugly. I wish I’d never started calling that his tree.”
I listened in surprise. “That was so ugly, to make fun of a terrible moment in his life.”
And it was as if my father shed a skin, like the snakes he used to catch and raise and trade when he was a kid in boarding school. There it was: the old, dry, shriveled skin of petty meanness that didn’t fit him anymore.
The isiZulu word for “grace” is umusa. It is also a synonym for “humanity.” We are an interconnected species. Our family trees linked by root systems deep beneath the everyday surface of our lives.
When it comes to how we love or parent or forgive we are not starting from scratch. As much as I might have thought so in the early years of my marriage.
I am my father’s daughter. We worship the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob — the God of generations. And there is only one beating heart of humanity — a single organism connected by vital arteries of history and memory and one divine and holy breath breathed into all of us.
And my father’s willingness to shed the skins he’d grown up in is the most shocking plot twist of my life.
Because for years he had lived in a box in my mind labeled “fear.”
I had packed it up tight when I left home and boarded a plane from South Africa to college in the States. I’d shoved the box on a back shelf in a back closet in the recesses of my mind. A place I forgot existed over decades of life away from the country of my childhood.
But history can’t be locked away. It is a living, breathing reality that beats in our ribcages. And for years I defaulted to parenting in anger like my father and grandfather before me without once considering that I was driving the same, well-worn path of my childhood.
I lived deep inside the snakeskin I hadn’t learned to shed yet.
Until the terrible day my mini-me stared at me out of eyes sinking below the surface of my rage, and I had a choice: I could push him under the water or I could reach out my hand to rescue him.
And I knew that if I wanted to rescue him, I would have to find a way to rescue myself. To shed the skin I’d grown up in.
But I was incapable of rescuing myself. History and my own story had proven this over and over. Instead, I recognized that the same God who had rescued Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob would need to be the one to rescue me from being drowned by the history that lived in me so that I could rescue my son.
So I took all my faith and doubt, my family story and my desperation, to the God who once inspired the words of another sheep farmer, like my dad, who wrote,
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
Psalm 40:1–2 NIV
Because, no matter how deep into the narrative we are, the grace of the Gospel is that on ordinary Tuesdays it’s still not too late to write a new ending.
No matter what kind of history you inherited, it doesn’t have to be repeated. By the grace of a Savior who “moved into the neighborhood” (John 1:14 MSG) to get to know you and your storyline up close and personal, new endings are still waiting to be written in your bloodline.
—
This is an adapted excerpt from Lisa-Jo Baker’s new book, It Wasn’t Roaring, It Was Weeping.
When she found herself spiraling into a terrifying version of her father, screaming herself hoarse at her son, Lisa-Jo realized that to go forward — to refuse to repeat the sins of our fathers — we must first go back.
It Wasn’t Roaring, It Was Weeping is an honest and lyrical coming-of-age memoir of growing up in South Africa at the height of apartheid, and an invitation to recognize and refuse to repeat the cycles we’ve grown up in — from the bestselling author of Never Unfriended.
With a story that stretches from South Africa’s outback to Washington, D.C., It Wasn’t Roaring, It Was Weeping is a courageous look at inherited hurts and prejudices, and a hope-filled example for all who feel lost in life or worried that they’re too off course to make the necessary corrections. Lisa-Jo’s story shows that it’s never too late to be free.
Order your copy today . . . and leave a comment below for a chance to WIN a copy*!
![](https://incourage.me/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/2024-07-11-Baker-Podcast_SHORT-1024x536.jpg)
Then join Becky Keife on the (in)courage podcast this weekend for a conversation with Lisa-Jo about this special new book. Don’t miss it!
Wow if there was ever a book I thought I needed to read, this is it. Can’t wait to read it soon!
WOW. That was powerful, and a reminder for me about choices and changes and acceptance. I grew up in an angry family and was angry as I began to parent. Thankfully, somewhere along the line, I realized what I was doing. It took time to turn around. It took a community of faith that I joined. These days, I find so much inspiration and comfort in scripture.
BEAUTIFUL Lisa-Jo. What a brave book you have written. We all have ‘skin’ and those ‘hidden’ we need to shed. God is in the midst, drawing Us close to Him and pruning our hearts and lives to be like that of Christ, humble, servant heart filled with love, compassion and grace!! thank you for being so brave!! I can’t wait to read. God bless you
Powerful story!! I’ve just become a mom myself in June of this year and have been thinking about what it looks like to invite Jesus to transform some generational sins and help me raise my daughter differently. Thank God for redeeming, changing grace!!
History can’t be locked away, and inherited history doesn’t have to be repeated. Those are powerful statements! This sounds like amazing book. Anger has been all too present in my parenting. I realize I’m trying in my own strength to change rather than looking to God for help. This was a good reminder today that it’s not over yet, God is still working.
As a newly wed, i find myself sometimes repeating the behaviour I noticed in either of my parent. It could be the tendency to nag, the impatience, and even callousness. Reading this truly would be life changing! Well done Lisa-Jo
I would love to win a copy of this. Eager to read it, regardless!!
So good, and such a wonderful reminder that it’s never too late to shed those old snakeskins of the past.
I have many regrets in many of my reactions when raising my girls so this hits home. I wish so much I could do things differently with a different outcome. But we can’t. So I relentlessly turn them over to my Father who can make the changes I can’t. And pray they will one day listen.
Dear Lisa-Jo….I really enjoyed your devotional today. It relates to me, but kind of in the opposite way. I have one sister who has not spoken to me for 9 years now. When my mother was still here, she lived in her house,but my sister lived there too. My mother was in her 90’s. I visited often even though I had a very demanding job. When my sister had to go into the hospital for 7 weeks, I happened to be visiting that day. Patty told me she was going to put Mother in a nursing home until she got out of the hospital. I said, Why would you do this? Why wouldn’t you ask me? By that time I was retired so I had time. My mother gave me the biggest smile and said,” Betsy, you would do that? ” Of course I would. I could see my sister was angry, but I did go and stay with my Mother for that time. Didn’t know much of what went on between the two of them as my sister basically stalked her. My sister and I had TOTALLY different personalities. Mother always told me that I was a great baby and very sweet to everyone all the way from Sunday School which I started at age 5 all the up through college and beyond as an adult. I needed to tell you this part so maybe you would understand what I am about to tell you. The reason why my sister looked so angry when I said I would stay with Mother, was because she knew Mother would then have the chance to tell me what was going on. My Mother told me she made a big mistake giving Patty her POA as my sister had drained my Mom’s bank account to pay her own bills as she was in credit card debt for $40,000. She was also abusing my Mother and she was terrified to the point that she always had to do what Patty wanted or Mom would be in trouble. There is too much more to this story, but when my Mother died at age 96, my sister was not there but at her daughter’s house playing with a puppy for hours. When she came home, she found my Mother dead in the bathtub. She called me, but would not wait 10 minutes for me to get to her house so I could follow her to the hospital. My husband was in Italy and I didn’t know how to get to the hospital. She refused to wait. I never got the chance to say goodbye to my Mom. I was devastated and she was not really sick and Patty should have been there at that time, as I knew Mother’s routine. We never found out how or why Mother died and then making the funeral arrangements she several times tried to make me look like a terrible person in front of all these people. After all of this, I am trying to get to my question to you Lisa-Jo I did not say anything at that time as I am not that kind of person, but after the funeral awhile I told her everything. I am the older daughter and she would not let me have any of Mother’s things or have access to all our old family albums. I haven’t been able to forgive her for all of this, but I have tried to contact her and she has blocked all my phone numbers and emails. Now I don’t even know where she lives. I tried to send her cards and said we should get together and try and talk. She sent the cards back unopened, So, what more can I do? You is not a spiritual person like me and has no faith. My mother did not deserve this kind of treatment and I was very close to her. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can handle this, because if I tell Jesus that I have not been able to forgive this, I know He will not like that and I don’t want Him to think that I am that kind of person. You (in )courage women have helped me so much with your daily devotionals which are the first thing I do after I get dressed. Thank you all for your support………..Betsy
Dear Betsy,
Continue on your path towards reconciliation and resolution. Remember even though sister isn’t by your side on this path in the present, God is! His divine hand is at work in bringing you peace about your family situation.
I love this! We have a choice. Each generation can change patterns, though it is not easy! I have been reading through all those horrible kings in 2 Chronicles. They were influenced by their recent family tree, but they also, each of them, had a choice. I want to submit my patterns to Jesus and let Him change what needs changing to make me more like Him.
Wow! This sounds like a powerful story. God bless youbforbyour tranaparency.
Lisa,
What a brave testimony!
I’ll share x 2!
Sending you Summer Joy,
Lisa Wilt
P.S. – We share the same name and FAITH!
Lisa-Jo is a gifted storyteller! Can’t wait to read this!!
Happy to have heard about this book during summertime so I can read and savor the story. Thanks!!
I’m counting down the days until I get my turn with our library copy!
Truly I believe this is a “now” story as so many parents are healing their own wounds and entrusting the next generation to the Grace of God.
Sounds like an amazing book. Thanks for this opportunity
Lisa-Jo,
I find the topic of generational commonalities and patterns fascinating -the healthy, the ones needing fertilized, and the ones which need pulled out by their roots!
As believers, we know God can bestow His graces upon us, so that we may bring renewed life and vitality to our family trees. What a timely book you’ve shared at a time when so many family trees need strengthened!
I have heard so many good things about this book. I would love to read it soon! Thanks for the excerpt and the opportunity to win!
This book is on the top of my wish list. Families are so complicated and it’s easy to think that it’s too late to change patterns. I look forward to reading about Lisa-Jo and her family.
❤️❤️
Cannot wait to dive into this book!
Sounds like a great book. Thanks for the opportunity
What an incredible Hope we have – thank you for sharing this deeply personal account ,and offering hope to so many.
Blessings
Maxine
I can’t wait to read (or hear) this book. I hope to have both the book and audio version at sometime. I believe that I also have mirrored things my father did, that I wish I hadn’t. Thanks for this opportunity to win a copy.
Can’t wait to read this book! Love you Lisa!
What a great book. Thanks for writing it.
I need to shed a skin to become fresh and clean. A new and improved version of me. I’d love to read this book!
This episode had my stomach in knots because our how much it felt like Lisa Jo had borrowed my heartache to write this book! I can’t wait to read it, and while I am slightly terrified, I am also very excited because there is nothing in the world like being seen and knowing that you are not alone! Thank you for your obedience to the prompting of the Holy Spirit to allow your testimony to be a blessing to people like me! Much Love, Cynthia R.
Lisa-Jo,
If this is anything like your other books I know it will be a great read for many. We don’t have to repeat our family’s past. We can break generational history & rewrite the family tree. Like you said we can shed the skin & make ourselves new with God’s help.
Blessings 🙂
I find your story relatable and look forward to finding encouragement in it for my own path as I seek healing and reconciliation with my past as it relates to my parents.