Author Elizabeth Stone wrote that being a parent is “…to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” As a mama to three beloved older children myself, I say, Amen, Elizabeth. Certainly, parenting often feels like that.
And if you’re a tender-hearted gal like I am, it can feel like your heart is more exposed than the average person’s whether you have children or not. I feel things acutely, and in the process, my heart can get banged up and bruised as it bumps into the hard stuff of humanity.
This tender-hearted tendency is part of what makes me an Enneagram Two. Typically, Enneagram Two’s are empathetic and friendly. My currency is relationships – -family and friendships. When my important relationships are in good shape, I’m in good shape. If they’re not, then I’m not. One positive of an Enneagram Two like me is I love to help you in any way you need. One negative is that I love to help you in any way you might not need or want. Heh. Sometimes, I’m a bit too hands-on.
Generally speaking, this desire to help still serves other people and myself well. But from time to time, it does not.
For example, one way this inclination to “over help” has shown itself is in my friendships, particularly at the beginning of a potential new one. I will reach out to the other person, inviting her to do this or that. I may text her fairly regularly to ask how she and her family are doing. That’s well and good when the other person is interested in forming a friendship with me. But if she’s not, that becomes apparent through her lack of reciprocation.
But instead of seeing the situation as it is, I’ve been known to double down by reaching out to her more often.
In short, I’ll begin doing the work for both of us.
Now, that’s not to say that persistence doesn’t pay off from time to time. Perhaps the other person isn’t reaching out because she doesn’t think to, is busy, or is shy, rather than because she’s not really interested in a friendship with me.
In a long-held friendship, I may spend more time reaching out to another friend than she is to me if that friend is going through a particularly difficult time. When someone’s life is in triage, it’s certainly good to check in on her more than you might normally. It’s good to let her have the floor more often to share about what she’s going through. Seasoned friendships call for periods when the scales of give and take are lopsided.
But whether a friendship is one you’ve had for a while or is just getting off the ground, it shouldn’t always be lopsided. And if it is, then more often than not, you and I need to read the writing on the wall and accept that this friendship probably isn’t meant to be.
But I tell you, this is sometimes easier said than done for my Enneagram Two heart that sits just under my skin. Concerning this, I used to say things to myself like, “I’m not giving up on her! I need to try harder!” But the blessing of being 49 and having a good deal of maturity at this point in life is understanding that sometimes, giving up is exactly the right thing to do.
1 Thessalonians tells us, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (5:11 NIV).
I also like the insight found in The Message’s interpretation of this verse: “So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind.”
As an encourager myself, I’ve always looked at this verse as part of my personal mission to “build up hope” in folks’ lives. And while I recognize that none of us can be friends with everyone, I don’t want to “leave behind” one whom I’d like to be friends with. However, if the other person is showing little to no interest in a friendship with me, then letting her be isn’t the same as leaving her behind. It’s honoring her choice to go in a different direction — the same choice we all want to have.
When I’m getting a lukewarm response from someone after extending the hand of friendship, I’ve found freedom in saying to myself, “Ya know, Kristen, she’s just not able to reciprocate now. Maybe she won’t be ever. Either way, you’re gonna be fine.” And then I decide to take the pressure off myself (and her!) and just let her be.
With a willingness to keep my heart open to people, time and experience have taught me that while I can’t do the work of two people in a friendship, I can trust God to work toward my good in leading me to those who’ll welcome my efforts and reciprocate with their own. I can embrace a friendly way towards others and towards my tender-hearted self, too.
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Thank you, Kristen! This hit just where I needed this morning. Blessings (((0)))
I’m so glad, Ruth! Blessings right back to you, too.
AMEN! I am a fellow 2 and this really touched me! For me The Lord taught me that we all have free choice and I can’t force someone to love, accept, and be happy. This resonated that lesson to me.
Amen to your comment, too! And I find that sometimes, I have to accept that someone else may be happy without me in their lives. And that’s okay, too.
This completely hits home with me, Kristen! I have to keep reminding myself that that particular friend has chosen not to reciprocate and that I need to move on. It’s a struggle sometimes.
Oh, I know this struggle well! It’s such a hard thing to accept! And yet…we can trust God to bring us the people meant for us. Much love, Irene!
Maybe that the one who doesn’t reciprocate a call to your friendship, is that she is depressed and suffers from anxiety. I so longed for a dear friendship at times in my life, but wouldn’t let anyone close, out of fear! I was afraid of the rejection if they saw the real me! When I was younger, mental illness wasn’t mentioned. After years of hiding in the dark and with God’s grace, I matured and my healing came when I stopped trying to hide that crowds make nervous, I cry for days at a time because I hurt for someone else. I admit now, my compassion, my sensitivity, and I am honest with myself and others! And strange when I did mention what I thought were such terrible failures in myself, so many others felt the same way about themselves! We moved a lot when I was a child and that affected me too. If I did make a good friend at school or with a neighbor, we would move and I would never see them again! (this was looong time before cell phones and social media!) And too, changing schools, I hated always being the new kid! That alone made me so insecure and anxious! But God has blessed me to now to enjoy the wonderful gift of good friends and I treasure them! I reach out to others now, but tread softly at first…blessings to all who reach out and blessings to those who made be afraid to reach back!
I so appreciate what you share here, Kathy ~ and I think you’re exactly right. Out of anxiety or fear, it’s possible to think, “I will reject her friendship overtures in an effort to protect myself from getting rejected on down the road.” And yet, I love the way you learned to “tread softy at first…” and reach out just the same. Because more often than not, vulnerability breeds vulnerability!
Such wisdom here, Kathy! Thanks again for sharing!
Thank you so much, Kristen! You warmed my heart with your reply…the old me would have never commented, there again hiding out instead of reaching out!
Praise God. “I am weak, but HE is strong!” Have a wonderful and blessed day and thank you for your beautiful posts! I read InCourage every day!
Kristen, I appreciate your post today. I have struggled with friendships, (I don’t have many) and feel that I am doing the work of two. I pray God would bring me a Godly friend who is like minded, that would like similar things as I do especially someone who loves God and wants to include Him in their life. I love what you said, “Letting them be isn’t the same as leaving them behind. Maybe the person is not able to reciprocate now or ever. Either way I’m gonna be fine.” I truly need to hear this, like giving myself permission to feel the way I do and leaving the rest to God. He knows what’s best, always.
I *love* the way you’re giving yourself permission to feel the way you do while also leaving the rest to God. That’s golden advice, BC. Thank you so much for sharing!
Love this post! I’m also an Enneagram 2. 🙂
A big, warm wave to you, Julie!! (And thank you.) xo
I had a lifelong friend walk away a couple of years ago when my life was in triage. I really needed her to be there, to be a listening ear, to offer words of encouragement, to be hopeful. It’s something I still struggle with today. Not allowing bitterness to take root. For the one friend who walked away, God provided a dozen more. A wonderful group of ladies from church who have been a big comfort and an even bigger blessing.
Angela, I’m so sorry this happened to you–that’s so very painful. And yet you share such hope of how God provided for you. Thank you, too, for the reminder to not let bitterness take root. Very wise indeed. Grateful for you, Angela!
Kristen – I have never taken the enneagram evaluation, but I may like you be a two. I tend to give (or perhaps over-give) and sometimes this leaves me feeling what I have dubbed “lukewarm-lopsided-love.” But I like how you phrased it better.
This I know…the world is a better place with enneagram 2’s like you!
Lisa
Kristen,
I am definitely an enneagram 2. My emotions can sometimes get the best of me. The other day an MD was telling a mom, who did have a stroke, that there was nothing they could do for her 40+ yr old son. He has a brain bleed & surgery is not an option due to other heath issues. After hearing that I left the unit & cried my heart out. it still hurts to know a mom may lose her child. This is me: I feel things acutely, and in the process, my heart can get banged up and bruised as it bumps into the hard stuff of humanity. Yes ma’am.
Blessings 🙂