There are moments in life you never forget. I’ll never forget when my sister called to tell me an MRI to check on a recurring cyst near her ear had revealed a suspicious brain mass instead. When our call ended, I wailed, desperately hoping that everything she and my brother-in-law just told me was some kind of dreadful mistake. But a few weeks later, an invasive biopsy confirmed brain cancer.
Words and phrases like “inoperable,” “incurable,” and “cut your life short” fueled a waking nightmare, and life became a runaway train from which there was no escape. As much as it was a horror for me, I could only imagine her terror of living it.
We’re close in the way sisters can be, stitched even tighter from losing our mom when we were way too little to hold a grief that big. Lora took her big-sister responsibility seriously and appointed herself boss of me. Ever the compliant little sister, I let her.
She’s always been my biggest cheerleader, and I cried off and on for weeks following her diagnosis. Still, the intensity and relentlessness of my pain surprised me, until it finally occurred to me that I had known and loved Lora longer than anyone else in my life. When someone sees, knows, and loves you no matter what, it’s a beautiful reflection of how God sees, knows, and loves you without condition.
The utter shock of a diagnosis like this never quite goes away. It changes you and everyone close to you. One of the most exasperating things Lora would say as she adjusted to her new reality was, “You don’t understand. People don’t get it.” But, how could anyone fully understand something they had never experienced? She was right. Regardless, I tried, begging God to provide understanding.
Lora is over a year into her diagnosis now, and I love how her husband, Jody, describes this season: Golden.
Amidst all the symptoms of the disease, consequences from testing and treatment, and unexpected setbacks, beauty is distilled in moments. You finally grasp the preciousness of time when you don’t have as much as you thought. And, when so much is out of your control, you gain a sense of urgency and agency over the things you can control.
Recently in a conversation with Lora and Jody, they mentioned the awkward position they’ve repeatedly found themselves in with people wanting to help. What is offered isn’t what they need, and they don’t know how to express this for fear of sounding ungrateful. Well-meaning friends make assumptions about what is helpful. Most people (including me!) offer food, but it has to be for when it fits their schedule. What we fail to consider is how full the person’s refrigerator may already be, how small their appetite is from treatment or sickness, how our timing isn’t aligned with their existing plans, and how guilty or unappreciative the person feels from having to throw out excess food they simply can’t eat. Even if we ask open-ended questions about how to help, it’s awkward for the person to express what they really could use.
Through my sister’s eyes, I see how serving well begins with asking for suggestions, listening carefully, and getting creative by anticipating all sorts of needs. Serving well focuses on others and doesn’t assume that what expresses love to me is what’s best in every instance.
Ephesians 5:1-2 (ESV) tells us to be imitators of God and to “walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.” Loving and serving others sacrificially is a beautiful imitation of Jesus.
When I realized there were better ways to help others going through similar circumstances, I asked my sister, brother-in-law, and friends for suggestions. Here are some of their ideas for helping someone with a terminal diagnosis:
- Be diligent in prayer. It means more than you know to the people for whom you’re interceding.
- Give gift cards. Restaurant gift cards are always nice, and general spending cards allow the person total flexibility.
- Short visits. I used to think it would communicate “I don’t care” if I didn’t stay a long while, but I’ve learned “less is more.” Be sensitive. The person who’s sick is sick, and your brief visit (15 – 30 minutes) is a gift!
- Send short texts without expecting replies. For example, “Keep smiling! No need to reply, I just wanted you to know I’m praying for you.”
- If you send plants, make sure they’re low maintenance.
- Give gas cards to out-of-town young adult children. The unexpected, added expense of travel impacts their budget and shouldn’t limit how often they return home. Offer to take care of their pet or cover boarding, too.
- Be sincere and sensitive with words and touch (hugging could be painful) and it’s okay not to speak much at all. No one knows what to say when someone is battling a difficult diagnosis, so embrace the awkwardness.
- Make space for tears and laughter. Both are good medicine.
- Send greeting cards from time to time. They usually arrive exactly when they’re needed.
- Send cash for cleaning, DoorDash, groceries, or whatever. Don’t ask, just give.
- Don’t try to “save” the person in the room. Avoid religious clichés.
- Don’t feel like you have to bring anything on a visit other than your presence. Even if you don’t get to see the person, maybe you were meant to see the caregiver.
- Speaking of caregivers, remember them, too. They’re sad, exhausted, and weary, and your care, encouragement, and thoughtfulness are life-giving.
- Gather friends to take care of the yard or housework. Show up with tools/supplies in hand.
We’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions as well. How have you ministered to others, or what do you wish people knew if you’re going through something like this?
Kay Addaman says
Walked through cancer twice with my best friend. She was a very private person and resented invasive questions about her diagnosis. She would tire of thinking about it and talking about it. Some people like to talk about it- just be sensitive to which kind of person they are…
Robin Dance says
Kay…that is such a good reminder! Some people want to talk about it, others are weary. And, even those who DO want to talk about it, don’t want to go into details with just anyone. It’s a tender, sacred space if they invite you in…and not personal if they don’t. (And, I’m so sorry your friend endured cancer not once, but twice… ((hugs)) )
D says
Robin, thank you for insight into what’s so hard for many of us – knowing how to show up for the really hard times. One thing I found was that people are there during the difficult times but afterward they aren’t. This is normal as life goes on for them while life seems to stay off track for the ones dealing with such loss.
I don’t send flowers to funerals. I send a plant, gift card, etc. later. Maybe on the first holiday without a loved one, or on a day that was special to them. It’s a way of letting them know they cared about and not forgotten.
Robin Dance says
D, we’ve noticed the circle has grown smaller as time goes on, in part because people just don’t know what to do. You’ve offered something important to consider. Thank you for taking time to share.
Sarah says
One practical thing that we learned that helped when my bil unexpectedly died was to have a friend be the drop off person for meals. Meals were brought to her house, and she brought them to my sil’s house. This kept my sil from having to socialize before she was ready, as well as cut down on the number of times the family was met with curiosity about the situation.
Tamara says
beautiful Robin – I remember this ‘season’ well with my sister, diagnosed with ovarian cancer… we were blessed with almost 10 years of life for her after her diagnosis. she is now healed in the arms of Jesus. I miss her deeply and long for the reunion… until then. I cling to the memories and gift from God of a sisterly love so deep in God’s love. hugs love and prayers as you walk this journey and beyond… hugs and prayers for your sister and loved ones as well. Rest in God, cry out to Him. May His blanket of love cover all of you giving you His peace and comfort and JOY!
Robin Dance says
((Tamara))
Few words, many hugs.
Chris Jacckson says
Thank you so much for sharing this. This is perfect for showing us how we can “model Christ’s love” with people we care about during this difficult journey.
Robin Dance says
Chris,
It means a lot for you to say that because it’s exactly why I felt drawn to write it. To help others know different ways to support the ones they love <3.
Peggy says
Robin,
My brother just had surgery to remove masses on his spine. They turned out to be lung cancer. Doctors wouldn’t believe the diagnosis and had it checked again. Diagnosis was the same. Lung cancer. His lung scans looked clear, until more detailed scans were done. That was when he was given the news..Stage 4 lung cancer. Inoperable. Receiving aTerminal diagnosis is like a punch in the gut. He and his wife are already dealing with her diagnosis of kidney failure. She is on a waiting list for a new one. The day he came home in a wheelchair, she tripped and landed hard. It broke her wrist. It’s too much to believe. How can this be happening? Our dad was a Christian minister. He’s been gone now over 10 years. This is really testing my faith. How can this all this happen and all they ask for is prayer? Things have calmed down now. Her wrist was operated on and now is healed and therapy is really doing great. My brother keeps me in stitches with his humor when we talk on the phone. They live in another state and neither of us are able to travel to see each other and get a hug that is needed. His attitude is really positive right now. He says that he talks to the “Big Man” in the sky daily and thanks him for allowing him to see another day. Prayer is really the best thing you can give someone. Also, like you said… Ask what help they could use… And ALWAYS pray. Thank you for today’s article. It is really the best advice that anyone can give.
Robin Dance says
Oh…Peggy… ((hugs))
I was having a conversation about the difficulties in our lives remind us we aren’t made for this world. There IS something better we’ll celebrate for eternity! What a gift that your brother is focusing on the positive, remaining in conversation with God, that his wife is healing from her wrist break. So many setbacks and HARD things… What do people do who don’t have a relationship with Jesus when these times come? Saying a prayer for you and your family this morning <3.
barbnjerry74@msn.com says
Thank you Robin for sharing this tender & heart-breaking devotional. I’m praying for your precious sister & brother-in-law, as well as for you & all family members.
My husband went thru Stage 4 melanoma back in ’05 & I wish there were things I could have done different. I had so many people putting extra stress on me to notify them as soon as the surgeries were over instead of having one person handling that for me. My mother-in-law was extremely optimistic & kept saying “everything is going to be ok” when I just needed a hug. Everything didn’t turn out great but my husband is still alive today. He had melanoma on the right side of his eye & the doctor had to cut all the nerves down to his mouth. We had some family come right after one surgery & sit in the room for hours when I had told them please wait for a few days to visit. With LA traffic (surgery was in Santa Monica) they didn’t want to leave until the traffic let up. I had so many hurt feelings during that time & didn’t receive the help we so desperately needed. Jerry had 3 surgeries & each one, one of my children would come & be with me which was a huge help. We were still working during this time as well & took medical leave. Saying all this I needed to learn to speak up with love but with firmness. Have one person channel the calls & don’t put more pressure on the spouse to do more than they are already doing.
We did have some people bring meals which was so kind & helpful.
Lord bless you Robin as you continue on this journey with Lora & Jody with wisdom only God can provide & guide us through.
Robin Dance says
Goodness…what we face in this life is so hard. What sounds so beautiful about your experiences is what you learned through that season. I hear God’s strength changing you. THANK YOU for sharing your experience! If one person reads your comment who needs to hear it, WOW! Thank you, too, for your tender words of encouragement. I’m grateful <3.
Janet W says
Thank you Robin. Prayers for Lora and Jody. Prayers for you and your family.
We’ve had a number of losses and diagnosis’ in our church family. They have shared, just as you have, what is needed…
*gas cards were needed
*housekeeping /laundry while at dr appts
*dog walking or dog sitting
*prayers for sure!
*and lastly.. quiet time. some were just exploded with calls and visits and food and texts. just as you said.. just wait for what “they” need or ask for!
Prayers. Prayers. Prayers \0/
Robin Dance says
Janet, each comment I’m reading is an affirmation God led me to write this for our community, and what you and so many are adding is so helpful. There’s a beautiful redemption in the hard parts of our stories when what we’ve learned can be a blessing to others. <3 (thank you for your prayers!)
Jan J says
Having just lived thru this(loss of our son to cancer)all of these suggestions are right on point. We found the food thru gift cards and simply showing up to shovel snow etc to be most appreciated.
Robin Dance says
((Jan)) sending you love this morning. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking time to share what was helpful to you.
Lisa Wilt says
Robin-Thank you for the insight. I cook but you’re so right, folks are often too ill after chemo to eat. The gas gift cards are a great idea and something that I never thought of! Actually, you had lots of great suggestions.
Robin Dance says
Lisa!! You sound like me :). Thank you for your words of encouragement this morning 🙂
Loretta says
I agree with all that is said. I will add that sometimes space is what people need. So my advice is know who, what and why. The who means knowing the person and what they truly might want or need. The what is asking “what do you need most and how can I best help you, and the why is “why am I doing this? To be of help or to be seen as being helpful.”
Let us all remember the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
It’s a hard place to be, In need of but not wanting to be needy. I do believe most people, while wanting to be helpful, just truly don’t know what to do. And finally I so agree that #1 prayers are always welcome and needed. Just remember we are all in this crazy world together and knowing one is not alone is huge so sometimes sending cards with loving messages and often times humor is equally important. A good laugh can be good medicine. Keeps us human and not our disease.
Robin Dance says
Loretta,
Your answer to “why am I doing this” was a zinger! Motive…wow. Sometimes I’ve served others because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do, which puts the focus on me. Never thought of that. But simply want to love others well in the ways that are helpful to them is totally different. Good thoughts here…thank you.
Brenda M. Russell says
It’s so hard for a person who is used to helping others to need help themselves.
My Mother is regaining her strength after a difficult time with an ear infection and a bladder infection the day after my 65th Birthday. I was so sad to see my Mother ill and I couldn’t help her be better because of my challenges with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
My Mother is such a Trooper ! She is using her cane to slowly walk around in her apartment. When I took her groceries to her this morning, she had already received her mail. She said she walked very slowly and used a plastic bag tied to her cane to collect her mail. I was so thankful to God for encouraging my Mother. I was almost in tears. I have certainly asked safe friends to agree with me in Prayer for my Mother’s healing and wellbeing.
It’s so rewarding to see the manifestation of my Prayers starting to be answered right before my natural eyes. I am certain about God’s Desire to Heal my Mother.
Thank You Lord for Your Tender Mercies.
It’s a wonderful day for me and my Mother.
Brenda
Robin Dance says
You’re a sweet daughter, Brenda. Sounds like your mom is exercising wisdom in this golden season. I definitely agree with your first line. Some people are wired to give give give, but receiving and needing anything is a challenge….
Brenda says
When our 10 year old grandson died unexpectedly from a freak accident last year, the thing that upset me most was when someone would see me at church or the grocery store, etc. and the first thing they would say is “how are you doing?” I wanted to yell “how do you think I’m doing”. I knew they cared, were concerned & didn’t know what to say, but don’t ask that question. God was faithful, and thankfully many friends then and now will remind me that even now they’re still praying for our family. Those are the words that help.
Robin Dance says
Brenda…heard. I understand. I finally found words to express my emotional response to Lora’s circumstances, and it’s that I “rage with hope.” It’s honest, and expresses in a simple phrase the complexity of being a woman of faith with a million contradictory emotions…. sending you virtual hugs this morning….
Dawn Davies says
I understand.
Going through grief, the “how are you doing?” and “How is your day?” going questions…
Not the best questions.
Beth Williams says
Robin,
Prayers for Lora, Jody & you for peace & calm during these times. One thing I used to do for my mom-in-law is take her to doctor’s appointments. That gave her husband a chance to stay home & work in yard or whatever. Restaurant gift cards are a great idea. After they’ve gone to doctor or had treatment they can stop & pick something up. Maybe even a nice gift basket with some tea, lotions & snacks.
I would call the friend a few weeks into diagnosis. Then ask what they need or want. This way you get to help out while they are in the throes of treatment.
Blessings 🙂
Robin Dance says
Beth, thank you for your prayers and suggestions. Both are appreciated and add something important to our conversation here. xo
Robin in New Jersey says
Oh Robin, my heart hurts for you. I am so sorry about your sister. My prayers go out to her and you. Having never had a sister, (I always, to this day, wished I had one) I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Sending you a big
A suggestion: if food is brought, put it in small portions in freezer containers. Then they can eat what they want now or save it for a later time.
Robin in New Jersey says
That was supposed to say, sending you a big hug.
Robin Dance says
You can send me a big anything, anytime, sweet Robin :). (Anyone correcting their own typos is speaking my love language.)
Thanks for a great tip I hadn’t thought of. That gives options, for sure.