Spoiler (before you get the wrong idea): you don’t need to lose weight and God doesn’t love you any more either way.
A few years ago, I slowly lost sixty pounds. I didn’t do anything drastic, just made small, simple, better choices and took daily walks. I tracked my food in a free app on my phone. I worked to close the rings on my Apple watch and to hit 10,000 steps a day. I wish I could say that the catalyst for the changes I was making came from some awakening in my heart. But, friends, they came from a mortified response to being shamed.
I had a doctor’s appointment for something entirely unrelated to weight or even my general health. It was a very specific issue that turned out to be nothing at all. However, the doctor felt it necessary to comment on my weight and said briskly that I should consider losing some of it.
My face burned for days, thinking of hers as she looked at me, a stranger, and commented on my body. She’d offered her suggestion after my diagnosis was complete and I was nearly ready to walk out the door. When I did walk out the door, it was with a blazing face, a pit in my stomach, and a resolution to do whatever needed to be done for that doctor to eat her words. I know, not the best motivator. It didn’t even make sense, as I would never see that doctor again and I could never “show her.” I figured I would know, and that would be enough to give me a smug satisfaction.
So I downloaded the apps, started walking, and lost 60 pounds in about a year and a half. I did everything in a slow, consistent, baby-step kind of way. Healthy, safe, and not extreme. However . . .
I got more comments on my body over those months than ever before in my life. I invited some of those comments by sharing pictures from my walks and a few before/afters on Instagram, and most of them were from well-meaning people in my life, telling me how amazing I looked. But every single time they offered their good-intentioned praises, my stomach churned and my face blazed just like it did in that doctor’s office. I felt that if they were praising my appearance now, I must have looked terrible before. I’m sure that wasn’t what drove their comments, but that’s how it felt. The same feeling of shame that flooded my heart in the doctor’s office returned, and I wanted to hide.
When Adam and Eve became aware of their bodies, they became ashamed too. I understand that impulse. I get their reaction. I get their urge to hide, to cover up, to avoid being seen. I get the shame they had in the awareness of their bodies, because I’ve felt it at my smallest size when all eyes were on me and I’ve felt it at my largest when I don’t quite fit in an airplane seat.
If invited in, shame is all too happy to entirely occupy every inch of space that it’s given.
Shame, for me, is as well-worn as a broken-in, old pair of jeans. It’s easy to slip into and believe, and there’s a kind of familiarity to it that comes right alongside the hurt it brings. There’s something about shame that can even feel comfortable. But we are not built to house shame. We are God’s workmanship, designed for the freedom that Christ’s love can bring.
Freedom from shame and guilt. Freedom from feeling too much and not enough. Freedom from counting calories and crackers. Freedom from embarrassment and pits in our stomachs.
I don’t want my children to see their mom living ashamed. I want them to see her living free.
There’s not enough room in this article for all the words I want to say about this, so please know that I acknowledge much is left unsaid. There’s not enough room to dissect what it means to be healthy, strong, or fit. To talk about how the health industry touts its ideal body type, offers products as the only or optimal solution, and perpetuates shame. To discuss eating disorders, or the studies that prove most weight lost is eventually gained back (hi, it’s me… I gained it all back after having a surprise 4th baby at the height of the pandemic). There just isn’t room for such a massive and nuanced conversation.
What there is room for is to remind you that you were hand-created by a good, loving God who adores you. Full stop. God doesn’t love you more if you’re thin. God doesn’t love you less if you’re in a bigger body. Your pants size does not matter to God, and it doesn’t matter if that size goes up or down or stays the same.
God just loves you — wholly, as you are. The end.
God loved you before you were created.
God loves you deeply and knows you fully.
God made you beautiful.
God rejoices over you, sings over you, saves you.
Jesus came to give whole, full living for us in His love.
There’s nothing you can do to earn God’s love. Shame does not disqualify you from being loved. The size of your clothes doesn’t impact God’s love for you. Shake off the shame, friend. Fight it and dwell in God’s overwhelming love.
Listen, there are for sure days where that’s much easier said than done. But on even those days, God’s deep love for us can carry us through the shame, the sadness, the not-enoughness that we feel. Don’t look to the tag on your clothes to tell you what you’re worth. Your size — your weight — is not your worth. Our worth, our value, comes from God . . . and He says we are good.
When have you felt ashamed? How did you transition from that place into the freedom of God’s love?
Amen & amen!
Thank you and Amen. I too had lost about 50lb slowly over a year and a half with lifestyle changes. The comments I would receive made me question whether I must have looked awful before the weight loss. I had to remember that God loved me just as much at 220 as He did at 170.
Anna,
Shame isn’t showing up today; vulnerability is. What a precious thing for you to invite friends you know and don’t know into this tender place. I know this will encourage SO MANY OF US in countless ways! Thank you for being willing to bear your heart and soul…and, yes, shame, to remind us how God sees us and loves us! Love you! (forgive all my exclamation points, but I can’t help it!! 😀 ) <3
Thank you for sharing this, it is important to hear.
Well said. I too went through weight loss ups and downs by dieting for years. Guess what? I always went back to my original weight. Since I decided to try just eating healthier I have hovered around the same weight for several years and feel like a huge burden has been lifted. God loves us just as we are. Amen
Anne-
You write so beautifully and express yourself so exquisitely. Why is it that we feel “not enough” in many areas but when we step on the scale the number is (too much or) “more than enough”?
The feeling of “not enough” is one I’ve struggled with for years…and still do at times. Like shame, it is a knee-jerk response that takes me back to my childhood and I feel like a timid, scared wallflower.
The rest we need is in God’s love! Thank you for your writing and your soothing voice; you are an excellent podcaster. I secretly try to learn from you.
Anna, thank you so much! I feel like this devotion is a letter from God straight to my heart. For so many reasons. I dieted all my life. My weight went up and down like a yo yo. I, too, had a surprise baby at 45 and found weight loss nearly impossible after that. But I kept trying and trying and trying. Until I finally got mad and decided to stop it all. I didn’t look at my friends and think about their weight. I would look at them and think about how beautiful they were, or kind, or funny.
So I stopped. And of course I gained weight. But it has been so freeing. Dieting sucked up so much of my energy and focus all my life. I never realized how much stress it caused until it was gone.
Most days I feel okay about my weight and appearance. But shame tries to worm its way in. This morning I was lying in bed and the thought came to me, “You waddle when you walk.” I started mentally planning how I was going to try to lose weight—again. Then I picked up my phone and found your devotion.
Thank you so much! ❤️
Anna, you have spoken so much truth here! I love reading your posts and books! You meet us right here where we are! May you be richly blessed and appreciated for who God made you to be!
Amen! God just loves you — wholly, as you are. The end.
Thank you for this post and for sharing your story.
our bodies are temporary, our soul is forever and is the essence of our being. focus on what is above and not what is below.
Did this ever arrive on time! I’m struggling in this area right now. About two years ago I saw a specialist for sleep apnea. She told me that I needed to lose 70lbs and that I should be able to do it, “no problem.” No problem!? I don’t even know how I gained the weight, let alone how I’m going to lose it! Well, I finally did lose… 66lbs last year. People took notice! It was nice to be seen after feeling invisible for so long. Then, over the holidays the scales started creeping back up again and I’m devastated. Thank you seasonal depression. I keep telling myself, “So what! I gained a little back. Big deal.” But it does feel like a big deal. I have never been obsessed about my size or weight, even when I was “thin.” But I can’t get that doctor out of my head, telling me how “easy” it should be.
This is absolutely the very best reflection I’ve read about this subject!! Thank you for your transparency and spiritual depth… women need to hear more about this through this “spiritual lens”…
Thank you Anna. There aren’t enough Amens to write. We are daughters of a wonderful God, made in God’s image. I think this resonates with so many people. Not just women. My son struggles and I can see it in his face how his weight “weighs”on him. And, I haven’t had a scale in my home for 15 years or more.
I’m sorry for your horrible doctor comment experience. I’ve had 2 different ones. It’s so amazing how such wrongful words carry such weight. One of mine had to do with getting a wart on my hand removed while in my early 20s and being asked if I’d considered doing something about my puppet mouth? He wasn’t even a plastic surgeon but a dermatologist. I later had a face-lift. Twice. And, I still have my “puppet” mouth. Your Transparency is comforting and healing. THANK YOU for writing and sharing your heart. It helps me know I’m not alone and reinforces the truth that I am deeply loved by a God Who understands.
A long time ago when I was in my late 20s, I went to see a doctor about knee pain. My Dad went with me. As the doctor discussed trimming worn cartilage in my knee and releasing a tight tendon restricting motion, my Dad suggested to the doctor that I was overweight and should lose weight. Ironically, the doctor came to my rescue and told my Dad that I had large bones. I have always remembered how my dad humiliated me and this doctor who usually took care of athletes at a division I college stood up for me.
I’m sorry, but I have a different opinion. I’m 72 and still watching what I eat. I’m still struggling to get rid of 15 to 20 pounds and exercising every other day. Self control is a gift of the Holy Spirit, among other very important attributes. Excess weigh has been proven to put women at risk for breast cancer and both men and women at risk for diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Doctors are not trying to make us feel guilty. They want to warn us what’s ahead if we don’t get control. All the drugs designed to help, have side affects, like hair loss and muscle spasms with extreme pain when we take cholesterol meds.
I love ice cream and I know it’s because, to me, it’s like mother’s milk…comforting and nurturing. My relationship with my mother was a huge disappointment. The only time I felt loved was when I was sick as a child. Jesus wants to provide the comfort we all miss. The world has gotten harsh and cold, just like Jesus said it would in the end times.
There are so many comfort foods everywhere. Food is not the answer to our fear and anxiety and sorrow, filling up with Jesus, the word and knowing this is not our forever home, let us fight the good fight. Because self control is a good thing. Praying with you all that God will provide the strength and will to fight our enemy who hates us because we are “God’s children”.
Anna,
Thank you so much for your transparency. Dieting is not the answer. I feel people should want to get fit & healthy. That is my goal for the year. Simply eating healthier foods & exercising will do that for you. It’s not about a number on a scale-it’s about feeling good & being in good physical condition. No matter God loves us all just the way we are. He fearfully wonderfully made us. Quit listening to society & be yourself.
Blessings 🙂
When I turned 60 my body began a revolt. I couldn’t eat anything without getting sick. Went to one doctor after the next who thought I was crazy…. until a friend told me about a health practitioner who diagnosed me with severe gluten and dairy allergies. Now into my 8th year of still struggling with what I can and can’t eat safely and still getting sick if I get cross contaminated. It’s sad because of the many restaurants and church functions where I can’t eat. No complaints because I’ve learned that I make my own food and take it wherever I go. I’m smarter than before about what goes into my body more than ever because being sick after eating something that had dairy or gluten is miserable. This is the one body we were given. I’m learning every day to thank God for creating me. God enrich you all as you journey through. You are loved!! Wake up every morning with gratitude for another day!
Dee