I was sitting on the attic floor and sorting through hand-me-downs when the phone rang . . . and a bridge began to crumble. Through tears, and through a clunky, cordless phone, my friend dropped the bomb. She and her family would be leaving our church — the church where our kids had misbehaved together and where she and I had grown from ministry colleagues to friends of the heart.
It wasn’t long after this that our kids became self-sufficient drivers. They didn’t need us to facilitate their social life, and the breech widened.
We attended the same weddings and funerals. We bumped into each other at the drug store. Then, one day, I read this text: “We’re putting the house on the market and moving south to be closer to both sons. I miss our chats…”
Not sure how to respond, I said what was in my heart: “If someone had told me ten years ago that we would go for months without talking to each other, I wouldn’t have believed them.”
“I know,” she replied, with a sad-faced emoji.
Geography was about to finish off what life changes had begun. But I’m not sitting on the attic floor today, and the little bodies who wore the hand-me-downs have grown to man-size and they’re buying their own clothes now. The span of fifteen years has reworked the landscape of my life, and this friendship, this bridge isn’t the only thing that’s broken.
Death has made irreplaceable people inaccessible. Church friends, playground friends, and bleacher friends (like me) have moved on to other circles. My own children have flown the nest. Now I have four sons with four different addresses, and these four bridges are still strong — but they are longer than they used to be.
Change is unavoidable, but this one thing I am learning about connections with my fellow humans: Whatever bridge may have crumbled, God is still present. My life with God is not mediated by friends or institutions. All that I enjoy on this “swiftly tilting planet” comes from God — and He is not far off.
When Paul was preaching in Athens, he assured the doubting locals that God “is actually not far from each one of us.” The one in whom we “live and move and have our being” is the bridge that never crumbles. He is the safety net who holds me fast when I’ve been left in mid-air and my feet need a solid place to stand.
With all that truth stored up in my heart, I’m finding two strategies for navigating the inevitable separations that come with this world of temporary connections and crumbling bridges.
First, decide in advance that it’s not awkward. Don’t give in to the temptation to duck behind the paper towel display at Costco when you see the former church member or long-ago bleacher buddy. Give and receive hugs, be curious about their kids or their pets, share a quick update on your own family, inquire about mutual friends, and then move on with a smile. Even if they have wronged you somehow, even if the debris of your crumbling connection left bruises on your heart, ask God for grace to forgive them, and then treat them as if they have been forgiven. Wendell Berry calls this brand of quick and ready grace “prepared forgiveness,” and it mirrors the mercy we’ve received from God. Forgiveness may not restore the ruptured relationship, but it will release you from bitterness — and awkwardness.
Second, hold everything and everyone with open hands. When my fists are clenched around some relationship, some imagined future good, it’s hard to receive the next good thing that God is bringing to pass. If occurs to me that, right now, my old friend and I are reconnected in a way I would not have expected. My prayers for her are building an invisible bridge that has softened my heart and is healing my feeling of loss. I don’t expect to see her again, at least not right away. But when she comes to mind, I pray for her moving process, for a peaceful transition to her new home, and for strong ties to her kids and her new community.
The melancholy truth is that our lives are a series of connections, disconnections, and reconnections. Holding the good alongside the broken requires a sinewy faith, a commitment to the truth of God’s sovereignty, and an assurance that He is able to weave loss into a tapestry for good.
He himself will be your solid safety net, even when old bridges have broken.
Leave a Comment
Ruth Mills says
Spot on for what I needed this morning! I love the “treat them as they have been forgiven.” The deep truths of Jesus treating us that way in our rebellion is magnificent. The scars of a fractured church season are real but forgiveness & grace is a healing bond. Thank you for these wonderful words this morning! Blessings (((0)))
Michele Morin says
I love it when words find readers at just the right time. And isn’t it grace beyond all measure that God goes beyond treating us as forgiven, because he treats us as if we had never sinned in the first place!
Church hurt does leave scars and I am sorry to hear that it’s part of your story…
Barbara says
This is also exactly what I needed to hear. I received news today about a dear friend who passed away and I felt such regret that I was not been able to see her recently. God used this to bring me peace. Thanks so much for the true and beautiful words.
Michele Morin says
Oh, Barbara, I am SO sorry for your loss. This is so hard.
May you find deep comfort in the truth that our longing for those irreplaceable people reveals our true identity as eternal souls. We look forward to the day when we are reunited with loved ones—and when we see His face!
Rachel Marie Kang says
Michele, this was such a tender offering of words. Many of them I know and needed myself. Thank you for sharing this piece with our (in) community!
Michele Morin says
It’s such a joy to share truth here—and thank you for your good work in rolling out the welcome mat to so many!
Barbara says
Thank you so much ❤️
Michele Morin says
❤️❤️❤️
Angela says
“Forgiveness may not restore the ruptured relationship, but it will release you from bitterness — and awkwardness.” I think I needed these words today, as there is a bitterness growing over the collapse of a life-long friendship. Forty-five years we’ve been friends. We used to talk everyday. If you had told me even a year ago that we’d become so completely and utterly disconnected, I’d never have believed it. Now, it seems the damage is irreparable and my heart is hurt and growing cold and bitter. I pray I can truly forgive. If not for her sake, at least for mine.
Michele Morin says
Lord, Angela has acknowledged her helplessness here. Her heart is broken and her trust is shattered. She needs YOUR love for this friend and your forgiveness to flow through her. Help her to serve as a conduit for your grace so that her life will demonstrate your glory.
Tanya Dennis says
Thank you for this post, Michele. Life has so many seasons. Transitioning from one to another can be difficult and painful. You offer good advice here.
Michele Morin says
You’ve made a great point here, Tanya. I remember when my youngest son graduated from high school, I thought, “Well, there, I have navigated the empty nest pretty well, thank you…”
Then, they all got married and some have moved farther away. Grandchildren multiply! I am aging in inconvenient ways!
Change is just a constant, and we need a theology that supports our frailty with a big God who never changes.
Denise says
Michelle,
I deeply feel everything about this devotional. I lost one BFF of 25 years to breast cancer three years ago. And there have been the relationship bridges that time, school enrollment, church membership and geography have broken or whittled away. I thought I was the only one who hid at the Costco, feeling ridiculous. Your devotional soothes my melancholy heart.
Michele Morin says
One melancholy heart to another…❤️
I lost my dear mentor when she was whisked suddenly to heaven almost 20 years ago and hardly a day passes that I don’t yearn for a conversation with her.
Someday…
And in the meantime I find comfort in CS Lewis’s words: “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”
Cindy says
Oh thank you Michelle! I can so relate to this. Thank you for your Godly wisdom.
Michele Morin says
So grateful to connect with you on this weighty topic. Our hearts feel the comings and the goings so deeply–and maybe more so this time of year?
Beth Willis Miller says
Michele, Love everything about this post, especially this quote: “When Paul was preaching in Athens, he assured the doubting locals that God “is actually not far from each one of us.” The one in whom we “live and move and have our being” is the bridge that never crumbles. He is the safety net who holds me fast when I’ve been left in mid-air and my feet need a solid place to stand.”
Your highlighted scripture quote from Acts 17:26-27 is one of my favorites: “From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us.”
Michele Morin says
It’s a HUGE comfort to remember that God is near. And I think that’s how we have to navigate the challenging seasons of our lives. We experience many things that we wouldn’t choose, and yet we know that we are not left to experience them alone! Thanks, Beth, for highlighting the scriptural context here.
Tena says
God’s timing is perfect, He knows what we need to see, hear, read when we need it. It sometimes feels lonely, unsettled and confusing but He is our calm our direction and our companion. I am continuously trying to remind myself of this, look to him, and stop and listen.
Thank you Michele for your words of wisdom and reminders tht I am quick to forget.
Michele Morin says
And thank YOU for reading and for your open hearted response to what God is doing in your life. We’re all works in progress!
Meghan says
The Lord hears us. I needed this right at this very moment. It seems as if being stripped away from people and things is a common thing in my life, and again a time of transition is occurring. I am trusting in Him but as I was driving today I openly admitted to Him the hurt is still there, and I didn’t want to pretend it didn’t. I arrived at my destination and happened to see your post. Thank you, Michele, for faithfully pouring hard-won wisdom back to others. Bless you in your seasons of change too, and reminding me this life is only part of the story. God is never-ending, and this gives me great peace! Merry Christmas!
Michele Morin says
God is teaching you through this hard season, but I hear you—the pain is still very real and present. Thank you for taking the time to bring your insights to this conversation.
Mary Geisen says
What a beautiful way to describe life changes while holding tight to the One who holds it all together. The image of the bridge will stay in my mind for a long time. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Michele Morin says
Writing this post and interacting with readers has left me SO grateful for the bridges that have connected me to others throughout my life. Too, the inevitability of change galvanizes my commitment to stay close to the Unchanging One.
Thank you, Mary, for showing up here. I know we’re in this empty nest life together with the revolving door of coming-and-going grandkids, so we need to stay strong, spiritually!
Beth Williams says
Michele,
Life is full of changes. Seasons come & go. We have to remember that God never changes. He is our ever present hope & friend. People will come into & out of our lives for reasons only God knows. This is good advice Hold everything and everyone with open hands. We can’t receive any blessings with our fists clenched.
Blessings 🙂
Michele Morin says
Yes, our unchanging God is the constant that carries us through all the upheaval of change. So good to hear from you!
Barbara Harper says
One thing FaceBook has taught me is I can’t possibly keep up with everyone I have ever known. That helped me realize that some relationships are meant to be for a time, not forever. Relationships take time. I regret losing touch with some. With others, there was no problem, but our commitments diverged and there was no way to keep up. Then, even as our children leave the nest, our families and relationships expand to include in-laws and grandchildren. And there are always new folks at church and other places to reach out to. As you said, connections, disconnections, and reconnections. May God give us grace and wisdom to know which to let go and which to keep working on.
Michele Morin says
That’s such a great thing to ask of God—discernment for holding on and for letting go. I have also spent some time thinking about the way our lives fill up with people, how relationships come to the forefront and then recede into the background. We need the Lord!
Nancy says
Thank you for this writing. It speaks right to my own heart in this moment. My twin daughters are separated and away at college for the first time in my life and my husband and I are empty nesters and trying to adjust to this new path which is very uncomfortable for me. I have recent disconnects also with friends and relatives and sort of feel like i am falling and need to work hard to stay upright in my faith. However, God gave me a great gift last week, in the midst of all of this, I wandered into my old hometown (50 years ago) and “accidentally” found an old friend working at the old mill that her parents had established that many years ago. We had a heart warming conversation about “the old days in the neighborhood” and when I had to leave we exchanged numbers for a possible future lunch or cup of tea. It was a soothing balm for my heart in so many ways and most of all because I knew that God saw me in my distress of late and loved me enough to allow for this meeting in His time. I am so grateful for the advise and will try adopting for my ongoing journey. God bless. Nancy
Michele Morin says
Nancy, thank you for sharing the way God met you in this tender season of need. What a gift for you to find an old friend and to connect in a meaningful and nourishing way. I hope that you will follow up on that possibility of “future cup of tea!”
One thing is certain, and that is the truth that God has our best interest at heart in every season. We can both expect to grow and to be sheltered in his love even as we adjust to the changes that come with an empty nest!