I sat on the bedroom floor encircled by books, lined paper, colored pencils, and my daughter, Noelle. Stacks of crisp notebooks and newly opened crayon boxes were eagerly unwrapped as if a new school year was like Christmas morning. Noelle was organizing her new gifts beside me. Starting middle school was a big deal and she felt the weight and anticipation of the transition. She read the directions on how to set up her class notebook and I saw her face turning red. Her aggravation grew as she couldn’t seem to get the paper to fit in the three silver rings of her binder. In frustration, she slammed her stuff on the floor beside me.
I talked her through a few deep breaths and she tried again. Within seconds, she screamed. I was taken aback by her overreaction to this small task — and now I had to remind myself to breathe. With all the patience I could muster, I softened my voice and tried to explain how she needed to calm down. She tried again. This time, hot tears slipped out of her eyes, intensifying her feelings.
“It doesn’t make any sense!” she screamed. With that, she threw her new things across the room, jumped in bed, grabbed a pillow, and yelled into it with all her might.
Then the strangest thing happened. Without forethought or consideration, I screamed too. I wasn’t angry at her. I wasn’t mad. But from my gut, I screamed. It felt almost like a release. I looked at Noelle and said, “Sometimes you just have to scream.” She buried her head back in the pillow and unleashed her pain once again. This time I grabbed a pillow and followed her lead. After a few seconds, she wiped her tears, looked at me soberly, and picked up her discarded notebook. Now, instead of cramming the paper and dividers onto the loops, she took her time and they slid on perfectly.
I’ve rehearsed this experience over and over in my mind for the past several weeks. It has made me really reflect on anger. I can weep with a friend. I can laugh with my kids. I can sit with my husband in his fear, but I have never considered “being with” another in their rage.
I grew up in a home and church culture where anger was bad, scary, and even sinful. I grew up understanding anger to be an emotion to avoid or get rid of as quickly as possible. But Scripture never says that anger is evil. The warning in the Bible is: ”Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27 ESV).
Anger isn’t wrong, it’s actually an emotion that is welcomed in Scripture. But, the truth is, anger feels scary. I feel out of control when I get mad. When other people are angry, I feel my own fear. But the next part of this passage is such a beautiful invitation from God. I have always understood, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger,” to mean, fix or resolve your anger before the day ends. Paul isn’t saying to get rid of your anger and fast. He is saying to process your anger. Don’t suppress it by putting it down like the sun goes down. Instead, process your frustration and pain. Work it out. In other words, be angry. If you don’t let your anger come out, the Devil can get a foothold in your life. Unprocessed anger is a place where the enemy can sneak in and destroy.
I found this to be such an incredible invitation from God. I don’t need to quiet my anger or the anger of those around me, I need to be with others in this intense emotion. I need to let myself feel my frustration. I need to let myself be bothered. I need to let others have their anger too. But, don’t sin. Don’t act out in such a way that harms another or myself.
That day when I screamed with my daughter, something happened to both of us. She didn’t need to breathe more or exercise self-control. She needed to scream and get her frustration out of her body. When I screamed with her, she felt less alone and probably less afraid. Sometimes you just need to scream. You need to pound the steering wheel, shatter the plate, or yell into a pillow.
So when I feel agitation boiling up with me, I find ways to release it that won’t cause harm. I find ways to get what I feel out of me. Sometimes I release my anger with words, deep breaths, or shouts in the shower. On good days, I invite others into my anger as well. Recently, my youngest child was having a fit. Noelle quickly ran into the other room and grabbed a pillow for her to scream in.
And remember this: God is with us, especially in our anger.
I am a big Mr. Rogers fan. I think of his words- “what do you do with the mad that you feel?” As a retired school counselor, one of the things I would say is that it is ok to be angry; it is just another feeling and everyone gets angry at times. It is what we do with that anger, like Mr. Rogers says, that we need to look at. I have been known to scream into a pillow- even at 69 years of age! And knowing I am safe and that God understands and is there with me is helps me work through the pain and frustration. I appreciate that you have touched upon this subject of anger.
I wish more churches and pastors taught this view about anger, and also depression and anxiety.
I hope that anger will be talked about more too. I think many of us could benefit from it. Blessings!
Awesome! I smiled (and cried) reading this. Thank you for sharing that experience and for letting others know it’s ok to feel angry or frustrated and healthy ways to release it for yourself and for others.
Thank you!
You have permission to be angry. Peace, dear one.
Anjuli,
Jesus got angry. He overthrew the money changers in the temple. The Bible also talks about righteous anger. It is primarily motivated by a perception of injustice or other profound moral lapse. The problem most have with anger is how they use it. Do they let it fester & allow the devil to get a foothold? Sometimes life can get super frustrating & irritating. At that point go ahead & scream. Let off some steam. God understands our emotions & He is with us in them.
Blessings 🙂
yes, anger is seen all throughout Scripture. Thanks for your insights!
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer my friend who had just gone through it told me it’s ok to scream and cry. The crying was easy. One day when I was alone I looked in the mirror and just screamed. What a relief! It is very OKAY to scream.
That’s quite a good story to read about anger. I’ve gone through anger at times with our daughter who has problems in life where she gets upset or she doesn’t do what’s needed done, etc. The scripture verse is good as we need problems taken care of as Jesus is in our lives as the Holy Spirit.
OH MY GOODNESS! You and Noelle have provided the solution to calm and quiet my outbursts…and yes they include yelling…a lot and very loud. I’m already loud anyway so when I’m frustrated oh boy! Now I know how important “pillow talk” really is hahaha. Luckily, I’ve also become mature in realizing how important saying I’m sorry is when my screaming includes others (my husband).
How important unclogging our anger and frustration…
the beautiful invitation from God.. “Do not let the sun go down on your anger,” to mean, fix or resolve your anger before the day ends \0/
Thank you both xoxox
I’m so glad this blessed you!
If walls could talk, as they say! I am an extremely sensitive person and I feel pain and anguish so very deeply. And it is usually for things happening around me, more so than my own! At times, I do have to cry and actually wail and grieve with my screams about it all. Especially the righteous anger that hurts me so bad. I grieve for God, that so many and especially our once God fearing nation that have turned their back on Him. Indeed, sometimes you just need to scream!
I love this story, it really tells the reality of anger and how to “be with” in anger.
I’m glad this met you right where you were.
i used to run stairs when I had spare frustration to work off (now can’t because of health issues, sigh), but it *really worked* well – not for fixing whatever it was that was upsetting, but for burning off the adrenaline that makes it harder to cope well with the actual problem (see: that three ring binder being easier to get things into… but only after the screaming and calming down).
Some things we want to do when we’re angry are destructive, or will increase the anger (for some people, venting about a situation brings the anger down to a manageable size, and for some people, venting grows the anger; there’s gotta be a key difference somewhere in personality or *how* they vent or something, but I don’t know what it is). But acknowledging that something is frustrating, unjust, not working like it should: this is truth. Truth is a good thing to stay in contact with and a bad thing to shove under the bed; but also we need to not let a situation grow bigger than the truth.
So, anyway, I recommend stairs for burning off the extra. And then an extra layer of prayer and some deep breathing, asking for grace and wisdom to deal rightly with whatever’s left of the problem.
And since I can’t run stairs right now, I might try screaming in a pillow next time…
Yes, pillows are perfect for screaming. Peace, dear one.
Yes sometimes it is ok to scream. I get why me in things that happen to me to do with my health problems. When I take seizures. Then I get cross but you can have an Anger but we have to control it. Like it said in Ephesians 4:25-32 “Make sure we do not grieve the spirit when we do” as there is a wrong way and right way to control our anger in God’s eyes. Those verses tell us if we read them how to do that. So instead of taking our anger out the wrong way it is good to go away and scream. As we could say do things that are wrong in God’s eyes. We have to as God’s people be very careful we don’t do that. As we could sin by doing that by saying things that are wrong in God’s eyes. Saying words that God wouldn’t want us to say. In cases like this we have to very careful especially if annoyed with someone especially if they are not saved. They think they are right they don’t see things are way. We know they are wrong we are right. They will not see we are right. Satan the Old Devil knows how to use people like this to wind us up to get us to sign. So this where we have to be careful and not sin and watch our words and be very careful we don’t say anything that would make us sin. When annoyed by the other person who is making us angry. So in times like this it good to go away and scream. Then go pray and ask God what he want us to do in the situation. Then wait for God to speak to us through his Holy Spirit to know what to do and when he does do it. I say amen to that. Not let our Anger get the better of us that we shout and roar then say stuff we shouldn’t say. Then later regret we said. Thank you for today’s reading. Love it Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xx in my prayers incourage
Love this —— Thank you