When writing, I’m private about my work. Even though it eventually goes out into the world in a book or an article, if someone walks into the room while I’m writing, I’ll put my computer to sleep or shut my laptop. While working on my first novel, however, I recognized and accepted the need for feedback along the way. I didn’t want to invest months creating a book that wouldn’t appeal to the reader.
Although I haven’t found a critique partner, my husband and a friend from church are my first readers, sharing their observations as I write. I place new chapters in an old black binder, trading them back and forth on Sundays with my friend, or emailing them as an ePub file to our Kindle for my husband to read.
My friend annotates the pages before passing them back. If she says something’s corny, I strike a sentence with no regrets. If she marks a passage as “confusing,” I rewrite it for clarity. If she draws a smiley face or underlines a phrase and writes, “Love this!” I mentally high-five myself.
She once explained she hadn’t left notes on a chapter because she was caught up in the story, reading fast to see what would happen next. That made my day.
I receive my friend’s suggestions well and eagerly apply them to my work.
It seems, however, I respond less favorably to my husband’s criticism.
I’m not sure why. Maybe I see myself as the documenter and him as the doer, and question whether he can know more than me in my field. I would never correct the way he organizes a spreadsheet (he’s a master), changes the brakes in our cars, or mows the lawn. I should respect his suggestions as a reader, but I get defensive.
My husband operates in a world ruled by facts, while I’m more open to creative license. When I wrote that the smell of honeysuckle evoked memories of childhood summer days for one of my characters, my husband said, “I thought he was from the north. Does honeysuckle grow there?”
“I don’t know. His mother was from South Carolina. Maybe it was at his grandparents’ house,” I said, bristling the way I often do when he critiques my writing. Afterward, I spent a ridiculous amount of time researching varieties of honeysuckle and where they grow, determined not to kill my darlings. (FYI: To “kill your darlings” means eliminating something in your writing you worked hard to create — and especially like — if it doesn’t add to the story or serve your reader.)
Recently, my pastor preached on 1 and 2 Corinthians. In 1 Corinthians, Paul wrote a scathing rebuke to the church at Corinth, urging them to address major problems in the church: divisions, sexual misconduct, and confusion concerning the resurrection. He wanted them to accept the Lord’s authority in their lives. In 2 Corinthians, Paul rejoiced when he heard most of the church accepted his correction and repented.
“Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it — I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while — yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance.”
2 Corinthians 7:8-9 (NIV)
My pastor noted that most people resist correction and take a defensive posture or deflect when someone points out their faults or sins. I may have sighed as I scribbled “honeysuckle” in the margin of my notes. Something as small as a shrub can raise my defenses.
My cousin, a minister, once remarked he didn’t like some parts of the Bible because they didn’t like him. It’s in our nature to resist instruction or resent correction. Ask any parent of small (or any other size) children, and they’ll agree. “No” is often a toddler’s first or favorite word.
The above verses penned by Paul to the church at Corinth illustrate his pleasure in their willingness to accept correction. Most times when you and I receive feedback from others, it won’t involve such serious matters. Whether it comes from a friend or stranger, someone at work, church, or a family member, discern whether the criticism is constructive or mean-spirited and if following it is in your best interest.
It’s certainly easier to accept praise than correction from my friend and my husband, my first readers, but if they hesitate to offer feedback for fear of hurting my feelings, I won’t learn or grow as a writer. And if I establish a pattern of refusing advice from the people in my life, they’ll no longer offer it and I won’t learn or grow as a person. The way I react to criticism and feedback is up to me, but I must choose wisely, not defensively.
“The ear that listens to life-giving reproof
will dwell among the wise.
Whoever ignores instruction despises himself,
but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.”
Proverbs 15:31-32 (ESV)
You may not be writing a novel and hearing a fact-focused husband question your choice of fragrant shrub, but chances are someone’s giving you feedback on an area of your life and their observations or questions make you bristle. Will you automatically discount their critique because it’s uncomfortable to hear, uncomfortable to apply?
Or will you ask God to give you an open and discerning spirit, humble and tender to the kind of correction that will ultimately help you grow?
Lord, please help us choose the latter.
Dawn Ferguson-Little says
Dawn we don’t hear that name that often. It is what my parents called me too. I love it. I love the fact your called it too. I am not the only person called Dawn too. Sometimes we all need correction. We need our Heavenly Father to correct us to live right for him. Sometimes there are words in the Bible when we read them that shoot of the page and disapline us. We might not like what they are saying to us. But they are saying them to us to teach us how to live right for God. I say Amen to that. As we sometimes need it. Like a parent disapling a child. They need it from time to time to live right and not go the wrong way in life. So do we that are saved from our Heavenly Father. Thank you Dawn for today excellent reading Love it. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co Fermanagh N.Ireland. Xoxo in my prayers all in incourage
Dawn Camp says
Thank you, (fellow) Dawn! Yes, sometimes words in the Bible leap off the page right at us, don’t they?
KathleenB says
Dawn,
Thanks so very much for writing on the topic of receiving correction and offering such relatable insights, takeaways, and humor too!
Kathleen
Dawn Camp says
Thank you, Kathleen!
Brenda M. Russell says
Yes, today I realize that I don’t like confrontation with anyone. I take things very personally when I am asked about something controversial. For example, let babies cry themselves to sleep. I don’t like that idea because I didn’t do that style of parenting with my three daughters. I can’t find scientific evidence that supports my ideas about crying babies but that’s how I feel about the subject.
I don’t enjoy debates that are critical to the point that someone uses colorful words and the tone of their voice changes. When people point their fingers and use their fists on a podium or desk as a gavel, I feel uncomfortable and threatened.
When I grew up, I don’t recall my Grandmother ever shouting at me. I only remember her gentle hands and her soft and sweet voice saying, “Brenda, your mother works so hard to take care of you.” Please do what she tells you to do. And then the icing on the cake, “Brenda, God loves obedience and He Blesses those who are obedient.”
My goal is to live a life pleasing to God. I taught my daughters by example when I thought they were old enough to understand me. I must admit that some parents probably try to shape and mold their children into what is best. But I made the same mistake. We are to Pray for God’s Guidance to shape our children the way God has created them to become for His Purposes. That takes a lifetime.
God bless your steps.
Brenda
A Daughter of God
Dawn Camp says
Brenda, I hear you: I don’t like confrontation either. I love this: “My goal is to live a life pleasing to God.” Blessings to you!
Gail says
This is so good. It’s hard to receive criticism well, but your point is so true, it is necessary for growth. I have to laugh because it does seem that it’s especially hard to receive it from my hubby. Glad I’m not the only one. By the way, I live in Michigan and we do have honeysuckle.
Dawn Camp says
Gail, I LOVE this!!! Thanks for the honeysuckle info too!
Janet W says
“The ear that listens to life-giving reproof
will dwell among the wise.
Whoever ignores instruction despises himself,
but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.”
Proverbs 15:31-32 (ESV)
Thank you Dawn. I pray for wisdom and ears to hear everyday!!
Dawn Camp says
Janet, praying for ears to hear is half the battle! Blessings to you.
Susan says
I am much too sensitive to constructive criticism, so this is especially helpful to me. Thank you so very much for sharing your heart and helping those of us who struggle with this issue. It surely does require humility, wisdom and vulnerability to allow this blessing to take hold.
Dawn Camp says
Thank you for your comment, Susan. It’s hard for me too, but we can do it.
kim stanley says
Same for me! i’ve often wondered why i’m so resistant to my husband’s critiques. I’m writing a memoir now and haven’t even given him any chapters to read yet. Thanks for writing truth; i’ve printed out that verse from Proverbs and put it on my bathroom mirror.
Thanks Dawn!
Dawn Camp says
Kim, I completely understand. I recently read the book How to Write a Novel in 20 Pies. There was a chapter on critique partners, which convinced me I needed them. I shared with the people I’ve mentioned and also joined a writers club with hundreds of members, which has been such a blessing.
Pearl says
I smiled when I read this, glad I’m not alone in having a fact-focused husband! I still cringe a bit inwardly (even when I’ve asked for feedback!), but I’m learning to appreciate his different and valuable perspective. Thank you for this great reminder about being open to constructive criticism.
Dawn Camp says
Pearl, our flesh really gets in our way, doesn’t it? Those who know us best probably understand the feedback we need most too.
Twyla Franz says
Yep. This hits a little close to home. I can take criticism so much better from anyone besides my husband. Thanks for your vulnerability and encouragement!
Beth Williams says
Dawn,
No one likes criticism. It is often easier to receive it from outside sources rather than your husband or family. Jesus through the Holy Spirit is always gently correcting us in order to put us n the right path & help us grow spiritually. Proverbs 15:31-32 Whoever heeds life-giving correction will be at home among the wise. Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one who heeds correction gains understanding.
Blessings 🙂