I bounced into the nail salon, excited to give my nails a little spring TLC. A new-to-me nail tech with curly dark hair framing beautiful brown eyes met me and delivered a warm greeting. She waved me back to her station, and I happily took a seat in the white leather chair.
After a bit of small talk, she asked me if I was getting my nails done for a special occasion. I told her that I wanted a nail spruce-up before taking a trip with a friend.
“Oh,” she responded, matter of factly. “I recently took a trip with a friend, but…” Her brown eyes bobbed up to mine and back down again. “It didn’t go so well.”
I looked at her with furrowed brows and responded, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened? If you don’t mind me asking.”
And that’s when she poured out her story, ripe and fresh as if it’d happened the same day.
Her friend, let’s call her Emily, was my nail tech’s best friend and roommate. She and her parents invited my nail tech, let’s call her Beth, on a cruise to Alaska. Beth was thrilled to be invited and planned her heart out for all sorts of Alaskan adventures. Emily seemed thrilled to share this experience with her bestie, too, and both girls reveled in all the fun activities the cruise offered. All was well until day three of the cruise when, suddenly, Emily became distant and aloof. Beth repeatedly asked what was wrong, and if she had done something to offend. Emily insisted she hadn’t, yet her behavior wouldn’t warm towards Beth. By day five of the trip, Emily coldly told Beth that their friendship was over. Beth, stunned and devastated, spent the remainder of the cruise on outings by herself or crying alone in her cabin. As soon as she returned home, she moved out of the apartment she had shared with Emily.
At the point in time when Beth shared this with me, she still had no idea what had caused Emily to suddenly and inexplicably do a 180-degree turn on their friendship. Emily’s behavior went beyond ghosting.
This sad story got me thinking: How does someone just cruelly terminate a longtime, important friendship on the turn of a dime? And why choose that course of action with no explanation? Talking things through may not save the relationship, but at least both parties could ask and share the “why” behind their decisions and have the opportunity to apologize for missteps.
If there’s a kind of change I dislike more than most, it’s a change in a friendship that I didn’t endorse. When this happens, it’s easy to lie awake at night asking all sorts of questions: Why did this happen? What did I do? What didn’t I do that I should’ve? Why is she handling it this way? We do this to try to make sense of whatever unexpected turn of events has left us reeling.
However, something doesn’t have to make sense for us to accept it. If you have a similar story to Beth’s (Oh, how sorry I am if you do), it’s okay to ask questions and ponder the “why’s” of what happened to dramatically change or abruptly end your friendship. But be kind to yourself by pivoting from questions with no answers to those with answers.
Here are 3 questions (and answers) that will provide a measure of relief and bring you to the truth:
- When a friendship breakup makes me question my worth, what does God say is true about me?
Nothing in all of creation can separate me from the love of God (See Romans 8:31-39.) - When my circumstances change for the worst, what do I know won’t change?
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). - When questions keep me up at night, what can I rest in knowing is answered?
God says, “Never will I fail you or abandon you.” (Hebrews 13:5).
In addition to expressing my sadness and sorrow to Beth, I told her that the definitive turn in her friend’s behavior was an opportunity to have her eyes opened to the truth where a blind spot had been — to see now what she couldn’t before. The truth: Emily wasn’t a true best friend. And while Beth’s experiences with her hurt tremendously, and it was right to mourn the loss of a friend, perhaps she was saved from pain later on because of this break in the friendship now.
I told her, in the words of my friend, Salena, “Sometimes, rejection is God’s protection against what isn’t in our best interest.”
“Yes,” she responded, a weak smile on her face. “Maybe that’s it.”
While this is true, knowing it doesn’t magically take the pain away. But it can provide a perspective that lightens the heart.
Friendships change for all sorts of reasons. Some friendships are life-long, others are seasonal. Some end amicably, others tragically. Only the love of God can fill the holes in our hearts and make us whole — in spite of a whole lot of unanswered questions.
God loves us and blesses us through our heartache, and Jesus (our Friend who knew friendship heartache Himself) walks with us.
That is a truth that’ll never change.
Need a little direction and hope in finding friends? I’m here to help with a free gift for you.
I’m sorry for the loss this person has experienced. I have also walked a painful friendship breakup this past year and have found myself asking so many questions. Thank you for the beautiful reminder of my worth and that I am loved by God.
You’re so welcome, Sammy. xo
I have had this happen to me over my life more than once, unfortunately. Literally out of the blue which left me asking, “what have I done wrong?” Or even worse, “what is wrong with me?” But, as you’ve stated in the article, I have found solace in resting in the fact that God knows me and my future better than myself. It is possible He could be sheltering my heart from more heartache in the future, or the fact that I may have a *not so great friend* that He needs me to get away from. Regardless, I’ve had to push the negative self-thoughts (that Satan loves to bring to my mind) away and look around to see true, genuine people in my life.
I love what you share here, KKG. So wise and so helpful~ thank you!
Thank you for sharing this experience! The wisdom you share here is helpful and needed!
You’re so welcome, Amanda. xo
I don’t have many friends. 3 I have that are so good to me. I did try to friends with one that one of my friends is friends with. I was hurt she didn’t want to be my friend or know me. To this day I often wonder why doesn’t she want to be my friend when she is friends with another friend of mine. People say that is her loss. I am not jealous of her not being friends with a friend of mine yes it would have been nice for her to want to be my Friend to. As she can be friends with who ever she likes and I never stop her doing that. But I do look at friendship breakups say to myself if they where Friends a long time. What all of sudden went wrong for such friends to break up. What’s comes to mind is Alot of things. Maybe one got saved and the other not a believer yet. The believer can be very pushey in pushing Christianity at her Friend that still not saved. You can put people of very getting saved doing that. Best way in things like this is to just live your life for Jesus in front of them. Let your love of Jesus flow hopefully they will see what a different person you are now you come to know Jesus as your Saviour. Or words or row or they think you cheated on them. It could be other lots of reasons too. Especially if been friends for years. Sometime God just says this Friend not good for you anymore because of the things they are into. You that are best walking away. Here God right. Just praying for them all these things can be hard. There can be other reason friendship after years don’t work out. Always never if that friendship has broken up after years no matter what the reason say anything bad about your friend. Pray for them say God you know why this Friendship didn’t work out between us and we stopped being Friends after all theses years. Be with us help us not to say anything nasty about either to anyone. If your will maybe one day we will make Friends again and forgive either. No matter who or if both is was at Fault. Thank you for today message Love it Kirsten xx
I love your wisdom on how to pray during these difficult, painful times. Thank you so much for sharing, Dawn!
Thank you for being honest and yet hopeful about what happens when there are hard breakups of friendships. A number of years ago I had a very close friend, and something happened between us that caused it to never be the same again. It was/is heartbreaking.
I’m so sorry, and I’m so glad you found hope in today’s article! Sending lots of love.
The young woman needs to pray for Emily. Not only are we commanded to pray for the people that hurt us, but we can have a conversation about it with our Lord. I discovered through a dream a woman who hated me had been deeply wounded in childhood. It all made sense once this was revealed.
Yes…praying is always a wise thing to do!
This was such a blessing to read, it has happened to us with our daughter in law, no cross words or falling out, just our son telling us she never wanted anything to do with us again, so hard to understand xx
Dear Kristen,
I find this very interesting that I am reading your article in 2023 – because it was exactly 10 yrs. ago that a beautiful friendship of mine also ended.
I went w/my then friend to a cancer hosp. out in Chicago. I was along to be her helper & support her. I was only too happy to do this for her.
To this day, I do not know hiw I offended her…but after we got back from the Chicago trip; I received a letter from her in the mail, telling me how I supposedly failed in hiw I was to help her. My heart broke As she couldn’t call me & talk to me telling me how I offended her. I would have rather talked it out instead of receiving a letter in the mail after a 46 yr. friendship that began in high school. I never replied back to her letter & hoped the problems she had faced in life could somehow be resolved for her by God’s good grace.
Kristen,
My job circumstances changed drastically last fall. I went from doing clerical type work to stocking 28 ICU rooms. Applied for many jobs. Had great interviews but no takers. Got me down & depressed for a bit. Then I realized that God knows best. He gave me this job so I should accept it & go on. Also look at the bright side. This job allows me a 3-day weekend each week & any overtime is alright.
Blessings 🙂
I had a friend or I should say a young man Oman (34 yrs younger than me). I treated her as my daughter since I have no children. She received numerous gifts, tickets to Broadway shows, and most importantly my devoted love. Then she started rejecting me. I was so hurt and stunned.
Come to find out she started an affair with my husband. Double betrayal is hard to forgive let alone forget.
It was a young woman. Auto correct is misleading. Sorry.
This hit home. I had a friend from my old neighborhood whom introduced me to my husband of 46 years. We became family. We did everything together vacation, holidays births. Her mom and sisters destroyed our relationship maybe destroyed is a hard word but that’s how I feel. For years I couldn’t understand but with Gods help I’m okay with it. People are in our life for many seasons. Not also understanding the reasons. Trust God . I still love her as a sister.