I’m at an event holding a tiny plate covered with crackers and cheese, green grapes, and a few olives, wondering how to eat without looking awkward. Actually, I’m wondering how to even be in this room without awkwardness. All around me conversations flow, laughter echoes, and people exchange contact information, but I feel out of place.
If you search for introvert memes, you’ll quickly find this one: “Introverts Unite (Separately in Your Own Homes).” It makes me laugh but also spreads a common misconception about introverts — that we somehow love people less than extroverts do. The truth? Introverts love people just as much as extroverts; we just do so in different ways.
An extrovert might enjoy a dinner party with a dozen people around the table, while an introvert likely prefers coffee with one friend. Why? One reason for this is the primary neurotransmitter we rely on. Extroverts prefer dopamine, which is released in high-stimulation situations (like a conference or party). Introverts thrive on acetylcholine, which is released when we’re able to fully focus, whether on a project we’re passionate about, personal reflection, or a meaningful conversation with one person.
I did a survey asking my subscribers, “Are you an introvert or extrovert?” and “What’s your biggest challenge as an introvert or extrovert?” To my surprise, the most common answer for extroverts was loneliness. They said things like, “I have a lot of acquaintances, but I long for deeper connections.” Introverts, you may feel pressure to connect with others differently, but your style of socializing is needed in this world too — especially by the people who look like they have plenty of connections.
All through the New Testament, the phrase “one another” is repeated.
“Love one another” (John 13:34).
“Accept one another” (Romans 15:7).
“Encourage one another” (2 Corinthians 13:11).
“Serve one another” (Galatians 5:13).
“Be kind and compassionate to one another” (Ephesians 4:32).
These verses don’t say “love groups of people” or “love everyone at once.” They say “one another.” When an expert in the law asked Jesus what mattered most, His answer was to love God and “love your neighbor as yourself’” (Luke 10:27). He didn’t say love your neighbors (plural); He said to love your neighbor (singular). Then He told the story of the good Samaritan, which is about one person helping another.
When it comes to relationships, quality over quantity is the theme. It’s not about how many people we have in our lives but how well we love whoever God puts in front of us each day.
I eventually overcome my awkwardness at the event and end up having some fun and meaningful conversations. We laugh, talk, and share our hearts. At the end of the evening, I walk outside into a cloudless, silent evening. The stars are flung across the sky, diamonds on velvet.
I remember I’m part of something so much bigger than I am, that I belong to Someone who spoke all this into being, that He is with me even now, that He made me who I am. Introvert or extrovert, He created you too. You have your own unique and beautiful way of connecting with others.
So let’s release any expectations we have of ourselves about how many friends we make, the frequency of social events on our calendar, or the number of likes we get on social media. Instead, let’s focus on loving others in the powerful way God designed us to — one person at a time.
Breath prayer: God, thank You for creating me to connect with others in my own unique and needed way. Help me do so today. Amen.
What’s your biggest challenge as an introvert or extrovert?
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This post is adapted from Holley Gerth’s new book, Introvert by Design: A Guided Journal for Living with New Confidence in Who You’re Created to Be. Find out more, take a one-minute quiz to see what percent introvert you are, and read a free excerpt at HolleyGerth.com/Introverts!
Pick up your copy today, and leave a comment below to enter to WIN one of five copies*!
Then listen in this weekend for a bonus episode of the (in)courage podcast as Holley talks with Becky Keife about Introvert by Design!
Listen to today’s article at the player below or wherever you stream podcasts.
One of my biggest challenges as an introvert has been to recognize when I need to get alone to recharge. I’ve had to learn the importance of this and be thankful this is how I’m wired rather than feel guilty for needing a day or half day here and there to decompress. It’s just been in the last couple of years that I see the value in scheduling time to myself and making sure to keep those appointments and set a boundary around those times to rest and reset. You’ve done some great research on introverts over the last few years Holley and it’s been very helpful for me, thank you 🙂
-Kellie
Thank you for sharing this today. I don’t consider myself an introvert, but I have severe friends who definitely are, and once I got to really know them, they are some of God’s most wonderful people! I would love to win one of your books and share with them.
My biggest challenge as an introvert is gaining acceptance from other extroverts, whether that be my supervisor or a family member, that as an introvert I feel energized by alone time. Extroverts don’t seem to grasp that, as they feel energized by the opposite!
Love this Holly and all your writings. Thank you for discovering who you are and share with confident boldness to help others. I have discovered as I grow older, I am an ambivert.. I love crowds but oh so love my retreat time and/or time with just one! Thank you God for creating me who I am! would love this book!
Beautifully written. Nice explanation on both types of personalities.
Thank you for this!
I am an introvert for sure. Being around many people, especially extroverts drains me. But, God…He put me in a small church and has me teaching a woman’s Sunday School class! 🙂
Wow! This introvert is quite encouraged by your post. I never knew the difference in neurotransmitter reliance between the two types but it totally makes sense to me! I am comfortable knowing God created me as an introvert, yet I feel I’m not doing enough to connect with others at church. Thank you for this reset. I can have one or two meaningful conversations to encourage others in a Sunday morning. I don’t have to connect with bubbling enthusiasm with every single person. Whew!
It takes all kinds.
My biggest challenge are my own thoughts and critiques about myself. Comparison it’s a big thing for me. Thank you for this!
What a great post!!! As a professing extrovert I totally agree with the craving deeper connections. The challenge I feel is that it sometimes seems like the expectation is always on me as a “people person” to reach out first and make everyone feel welcome. While I am energized by socializing, it does hurt after a while when many don’t seem to reciprocate or expect you to always be happy being the one to take initiative.
This really spoke to me: It’s about how well we love whoever God puts in front of us each day.
Looking forward to reading this book.
Thank you, Holley! I struggle mainly with developing friendships. I think, because I’m pretty self contained (boring maybe), few people invite me for one on one get togethers. And I get tired of always initiating. But I trudge onward. I’m definitely an introvert.
My biggest challenge as an introvert is that my husband is a huge extrovert! He wants to go out in big groups and see lots of people and I rather stay home or go out with just one couple. We are constantly trying to find that balance. Interestingly enough, my oldest son is like me and my younger one is just like him in this aspect! Sometimes the 2 of them will go to an event and I’ll stay home with my oldest to watch a movie.
Sometimes I feel like I am an extrovert with an introvert soul. Maybe it’s because I am a teacher but I know I definitely need my time to myself after every gathering. Thank you, Holley, for helping me understand both sides of me. I could use some more help.
Thank you so much for making the statement that introverts love people just as much as extroverts! I’ve tried to explain this to my Women’s group, but they look at me with this puzzled look and I’m not sure they really get it. Trying to narrow down my biggest challenge is tough, I have several. That moment at an event where they put a timer on the clock and ask you to find out new things about the person to your left and right, ughhhhh. Or when you are asked to pair up into groups to have discussion with complete strangers, yea…not so much. But maybe my biggest challenge is getting through introductions to people with really big, extroverted personalities. I always feel like to I say the wrong thing and make an awkward situation worse.
I am so excited to read this book!! I am setting a calendar reminder to listen this weekend.
Christine♥
I am a task-oriented extrovert in a professional sense. Yet a hermit-like introvert in my personal life. This creates a huge conflict as people expect me to be the gregarious one reaching out socially, like I do professionally.
In reality, I have to recharge after being with people, and rely on solitude and quiet to do this. I have learned to accept this dual nature. Loving people remains a given, but having true close friends can be a real challenge. Thanks for the insightful post!
My job as a secretary involves regularly serving others, while my teaching on the side also requires the same. I recently became sick and am realizing I am not good at decoding when I need to slow down. I feel so poured out right now. I know I’m an introvert. There is no question there and my counselor last night really helped me nail down some things I haven’t dared voice to anyone else. I have started using Saturday as a day of rest when I don’t have meetings and appointments and that appears to be a game changer. But I’m also learning to say no to things. Whew, it’s such a journey. This sounds like such a needed resource. When I saw it posted online, I was so excited!
I’m definitely an introvert and I never thought of it this way. Would love to read more!
I am so thankful for you, Holley! Whenever I get an email pop up from you, I know I’ll receive the encouragement I need for that day or week! Your books have been a lifesaver! I am an introvert, always thinking there must be something wrong with me. I do love people and feel lonely but I prefer one on one contact over big groups. The few close friends I have are so dear to me, they understand me and never try to change me. God has blessed me with them. Thank you so much for helping those of us who need to know it’s not the quantity of friends we make but instead the quality of our relationships. Thank you for the scriptures that speak such truth! I’ve often told my husband I wish I lived near you. I feel like you are a dear friend already through your books and writing! You have helped me understand myself (God working through you!) more than you know! Be blessed my sister in Christ!
I feel like I’m a combination of introvert and extrovert. I like to greet others and make them feel welcome, but I’d rather have deeper conversations with a limited number of people at a time.
I’ll be sharing this post with others that I think will be blessed by this.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for this wisdom! I am an introvert and this was so needed today and every day! God bless you today and every day!!
Holley,
I LOVE being by myself, too much.
So I turned an empty bedroom and bathroom into an Airbnb space. Why? So I could stretch my love of being alone and meet folks from all walks of this beautiful earth. It’s a perfect situation for this introvert and for my EXTROVERT husband who craves meeting with the next guest.
It takes work to be married to an extrovert, and from his point of view an introvert as well.
Thank you for your research and compassion! I feel so much better about who God made.
44 years married. It can happen with much prayer and forgiveness on both sides.
My biggest challenge as an extrovert is making myself be still and taking time alone with God. In addition to working fulltime, I can allow my calendar to fill with people and good things during evenings and weekends and I run out of time and energy. Even when I have the time at home, it is challenging to make myself stop “doing things” and sit, read, pray, and be still before the Lord. I am not good at journaling either. I know time alone reading God’s Word should be my top priority, which makes me feel guilty, but I have broken enough promises to God “to change” that I quit making them. Instead, I rely on God’s grace, read devotionals like these and others, and try to practice the presence of God throughout the day. I sometimes envy the more introvert Christians who take time to read the Bible and journal regularly and find it easier to be a “Mary” sitting at Jesus’ feet rather than a “Martha” in the Bible’s “Mary and Martha” story. Thank you for your posts and your books. I really do enjoy them-when I make the time to read! 😉
Would love this!! Always an introvert ❤️ sound very relatable
This article is beautiful! I am an introvert and always feel so awkward in big gatherings with people I don’t know -including restaurants. For as long as I can remember, I had always wished I was the extroverted life of the party and not the shy quiet introvert. This article reminds me and confirms what the Lord has already started to place in my heart -that I am exactly who He created me to be and that there is purpose for me in exactly how He created me. I just have to move into that purpose without doubts remembering that there is no one greater to please than He who created me.
My biggest challenge is marrying into a large family who loves gathering –
there is lots of laughter and conversation but i am overwhelmed
which sometimes makes me feel like I am on the outside looking
in
It helps me to remember I am created by God
maybe wired a bit differently
Thrilled for yet another amazing resource! Thank you!!!
I would love to win a copy!
My biggest challenge is that people don’t truly understand the concept of introversion vs extroversion. I will say I’m an introvert and they always respond “ no you’re not , you’re so friendly and outgoing”.
Super frustrating to have your innermost personality trait’s diminished that way.
I loved this feature in the {in}courage podcast. It was a great reminder of the importance of connection with those who we have the chance to spend time with. It’s not always about whether we prefer certain types of socializing but more that we have meaningful connection wherever God positions us. Thank you!
Holley,
My biggest challenge was realizing that I was an introvert. Big crowds & lots of conversations going on at once hit a nerve in me. One clue I should of had is that I need to schedule “me” time. Time away from hustle & bustle of life. Just me & 1-3 friends is fine. My hubby is truly an introvert. Our biggest problem is work. We both work in hospitals with stressful, noisy jobs. Thanks to you Holley I understand him much better. I took the quiz & found out I’m 9% introvert. You hit the nail on the head with my strengths & weaknesses. Loved this!
Blessings 🙂