I checked my phone all Sunday afternoon. While I was driving home from church. While I was lounging on my living room couch, watching a show. While I was getting dinner ready that evening. I was waiting for that small green notification to pop up on my screen, telling me I’d received a new text message.
I had given my cell phone number to a woman at church that morning and told her to reach out. Maybe we could meet up for coffee or a walk. You know, the things that normal friends do. In terms of my schedule, I was wide open that upcoming week, which I told her. Based on the excitement in our conversation, I figured she would have texted by now.
But the hours turned to days and the days turned into weeks, and I didn’t hear from her.
About two months later, I bumped into the same gal at church and finally got the courage to ask her, “Hey, how come you never texted me?”
She had a sheepish look on her face as she replied, “Sorry! I just assumed you were busy.”
I assured her that my life was just as averagely busy as the next person’s, but I did genuinely want to get to know her better. We can be as busy or unbusy as we want to be, right? When it comes to friendships, I’d like to think that I’m pretty flexible with my schedule and willing to shift things around to make a hang-out possible.
We eventually did get together (and still do hang out)! But the woman’s initial response stuck with me. I have heard words like hers over and over again as a pastor’s wife.
This general assumption that pastors’ wives are super busy is honestly one of the hardest things for me about being a pastor’s wife.
In my twelve-plus years as a pastor’s wife, I’ve regularly battled loneliness. Folks often put pastors’ wives on unfair pedestals, making assumptions about who we are, our accessibility, and even what kind of leadership we should have in the church. Sometimes, people think I’m out doing ministry on the streets 24/7. But, in all honesty, I’m not any busier than the next person, and I need friends just as much as everyone else.
There is a faulty perception in our society today that being productive equates to busyness. We often think that because someone is doing a lot (in my case, writing books and homeschooling, among other things) that they don’t have time in their schedule to hang out.
When we choose to assume someone is too busy to meet up, we create barriers to beautiful God-honoring friendships.
One of the things that I love about Jesus’ ministry is that He never made assumptions about people. He never thought to Himself, “Man, I’d really like to hang out with this person, but I’m sure they’re too busy.” In fact, He just went to people.
In Luke 19, we see how Jesus goes to Zacchaeus and invites Himself over to his house. Jesus literally tells Zacchaeus, while the man is up in a tree no less, that He wants to meet him. And He’s not deterred by a crowd who thinks Jesus’ time would be better spent elsewhere.
There is a beautiful relentlessness in the way Jesus pursued people, and I truly believe pastors’ wives are in need of a similar kind of relentlessness.
It’s challenging when everyone knows bits and pieces of your life as a pastor’s wife, without fully knowing you. Sometimes we’re seen as pastoras, as fellow pastors with our husbands, and all the expectations that come with that. “Hey, how come you’re not teaching at church?” “Why don’t you lead any ministries?” “Why weren’t you at that church event?” The congregation even knows a lot about our marriage to our spouse because our pastor-husbands use our relationship as fodder for sermon examples and as advice in mentoring relationships (and I don’t say that in a negative way).
To an extent, everyone thinks they know the pastor’s wife, and yet far too often no one hangs out with her.
What a pastor’s wife needs is folks in their church who intentionally choose to leave their assumptions at the door. Instead of assuming she’s too busy to meet up, reach out and ask, “Hey, want some company this week?” or “Hey, can I bring some coffee over?”
When it comes to building friendships, pastor’s wives (like everyone else) need to be given the options of “yes,” “no,” “maybe,” or “how about later?”
Rather than assuming that your pastor’s wife has enough friends, doesn’t need encouragement, or is too busy to meet, just ask. Show up. Love on her. Bring her food or a bouquet of flowers, like you would any other friend. Be a shoulder to cry on, or someone to offer a safe listening ear.
Can a pastor’s wife (myself included) be the one to pursue a new friendship? Absolutely. But when you’re in the position of always being expected to initiate or that you’re already relationally full, sometimes it’s really nice to know that someone else cares enough to take that first step.
Just remember: your pastor’s wife needs friends too, and you might just be the exact person she’s been praying would reach out.
Well, I will certainly keep this in mind when we call our new pastor!
Love this, Madeline!
I am guilty of this! Our minister’s wife is very involved in leading the children’s ministry, women’s ministry, raising 4 kids and being the minister’s wife and also home schooling and teaching in a fusion school. So I know she is busy, but I need to reach out and minister to her. Thanks for this encouragement.
Love this, Gail! Pastor’s wives usually are fairly busy…but generally not too busy to make friends 🙂
Thank you for this post. It is very interesting. In my church, we have a female pastor and she has a husband. I wonder how he feels and how welcoming we are to him. They are a young family with a two year old. I always reach out to him in church. I need to make sure that our congregation (and myself) does a better job of reaching out. Thank you!
Yes, that’s a good question, Leslie! There certainly is a wide range of experiences when it comes to who is the pastor’s spouse. I can’t speak as specifically into the reality of a female pastor’s husband’s reality. I can only share my own slice of life. But yes, let’s keep asking these questions, so we can make this discussion as nuanced and complex as it needs to be!
Makes me think of the movie Mom’s Night Out. <3
Haha, I think I watched that movie when it came out. I can’t remember if there was a pastor’s wife in it, though?
If there is one thing applicable in all areas of life, it is this; it is never safe to assume anything. This is a prime example. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Yes and amen! Thanks for reading and engaging, Jill. May we all grow in our ability to not make assumptions of others.
Great blog to encourage church members to reach out a befriend the pastor’s wife. A really simple way is to include her in a weekly (bi-weekly or monthly) lunch out on the town. But there is a word of warning. I am friends with our pastor’s wife, and know how guarded she was when they first came to our church, because of bad experiences at previous churches. Over time, she thought she had made a couple of close friends, and even let her guard down, divulging some personal issues she or the family was having. Nothing earth shattering, just a stressful problem, something we all experience. How sad it was when she was betrayed by other women who call themselves “sisters in Christ” and “friends”! Confidence was broken, her trust in the church family greatly bruised. Fortunately, she has thrived at our church and made great, true friends. And yes, a small group of us meet weekly for lunch in town, where we can laugh, express needs without fear of judgment, and be thankful for the wonderful people God put in our path.
Oh, Sharon, I completely understand! And I’ve been in that situation too. It’s so hard! I think just recognizing that pastor’s wives have this struggle humanizes them and keeps us gracious for what they can and cannot share publicly. But I absolutely love your idea — when women at church are getting together, make the effort to invite the pastor’s wife too! Love that!
Michelle, this is very thought provoking. I have been friends with pastors’ wives in the past. However, I have never actually laid eyes on my current pastor’s wife. I assume she attends a different service from me. Or she is downstairs with the children. I know she exists because I see her on Facebook. But I will watch for possibilities.
I love that, Irene! I’m sure your pastor’s wife would be so grateful for the connection.
During the years I worked in TV ministry, I witnessed firsthand how overlooked a pastor’s wife could be. This is especially true, if her pastor husband is working crushing hours trying to fulfill the constant demands of church members. I was also surprised by the unrealistic expectations often placed on a pastor’s wife and her children to be perfect human beings when all of us as God’s children are flawed and in need of a Savior. Addressing these unrealistic congregant expectations became the catalyst for me to write my inspirational genre book, “Secrets of the Pastor’s Wife: A Novel” a few years ago. My goal was to create a sense of empathy and foster friendship for those precious women like yourself who are willing to embrace this challenging ministry role. Thanks for sharing your heart today. God bless you and your family, Michelle!
Christina, you hit the nail on the head! A pastor’s wife often feels overlooked. The more we understand this, along with (as you mentioned) the unrealistic expectations often placed on pastor’s wives, the more we can deconstruct those expectations and treat them like everyday, normal human beings <3
As an adult, I worked at a Women’s Teen Challenge ministry. Our home church got a new Pastor.
God asked me to give up one of my Days Off, & offer that day to the new Pastor’s wife for free, for whatever she needed. She had a toddler & a baby.
I’d babysit her children if she needed to go shopping, have appointments, or just needed to get away from home.
She took me up on it. A few times, she & the pastor went on dates. I loved watching her children. It was different than the ministry I did, with adult ladies in my job. So I didn’t miss that day off.
She told me repeatedly, how much she appreciated knowing she could count on my help every Tuesday. It helped her from feeling so overwhelmed in a new community, where she knew so few people. I needed a friend too, & she became that friend.
This was very kind of you. What a way to serve your First Lady.
Wow! Bless you! That is the kindest thing I have ever heard of. I am sure that pastor’s wife was incredibly blessed by your love and kindness. So grateful for you — and thanks for sharing!
I quite agree. I was a pastor’s wife for many years, and got a lot of questions and comments that you mentioned. Thanks for writing about this.
Hi Birdie, I’m so glad my article resonated with you… and nice to meet a fellow pastor’s wife 🙂
This is so real. The position that First Ladies have can be very lonely. And yes we long for the normal things. But for some reason we are seen not to be or desire what everyone else has. The stereotypes of a pastors wife keep people from trying to build relationships with us. Thank you for sharing, for your vulnerability. I know what that feels like. A pastors wife for 23 years.
Blessings to you.
Hi Steph, thanks for sharing. I feel like you’re a kindred spirit already! Yes, so much of my heart in writing this article was to deconstruct that specific stereotype of the pastor’s wife. I pray my words encourage folks to see us as normal women in need of normal friendships!
Michelle,
It can be hard to get to know the pastor & his family in large churches. I attended a small Christian church for 18 years. I got to know both the pastor & his wife. We are still good friends. There were a few of us-pastor’s wife included that would go out to eat once a month. When her mom was moving down here I made a chicken pot pie & some bread to enjoy. After her mom died I made more food. We’ve been through ups & downs with our aging parents. I never once put her on a pedestal. I saw her as a regular woman who just happens to be a pastor’s wife.
Blessings 🙂
This article is so timely! I just had a conversation with someone who said, without any firsthand knowledge of my life/schedule, “I know you’re so busy.” How? How does she know that I’m busy? What conversation have we EVER had that leads to that conclusion? Not one!
Amen! As a pastor’s wife, I resonate with this so much!!! I notice we live near each other! I’d love to meet up sometime