Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.
Galatians 1:10 (NLT)
Look straight ahead and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don’t get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil.
Proverbs 4:25-27 (NLT)
We’re always comparing. They have more spending money than we do, but we have a cozier home. This friend has a fast-paced, highly successful career, and we enjoy our job just fine but work mostly for the weekend. That neighbor seems unattainably confident in their skin, and we spent last night researching different diets.
Comparison seems to be ingrained in us, and it’s only harder when you’re single.
Unfortunately, if we get into this mode of thinking, it also makes the holiday season even more difficult. We go to a party and are asked approximately 32 questions about our dating life, we catch up with friends we haven’t seen in a while and they are newly dating or engaged, and we compare our singleness to everyone around us who is in a seemingly happy and joyous relationship. We look at our lives – and even though they are filled with beautiful things big and small- the lack of a relationship causes us to feel like we come up short. These passages exhort us to cease the comparison game, and instead focus on our own path that God is leading us down.
If you are single: Part of comparison is the evaluation of if there is enough to go around – enough success, enough happiness, enough love. But just because others around you are in flourishing romantic relationships and solid marriages does not mean that opportunity is gone for you. Just because it is for them doesn’t mean it’s not for you. Theodore Roosevelt once said comparison is the thief of joy, and that rings true when you assume that others’ relationship success means there is no hope for you. The idea that when someone else finds happiness in a relationship, your chance at this same happiness is diminished is simply untrue. Besides, the joy that is there for you today, on your path, is devalued when you peek at a path not meant for you.
Instead, if you actively work to focus your eyes ahead on the path God has laid out for you, you will find joy untethered from comparison. God knows your desires and your heart, and He has laid out a path just for you. During the holidays, it’s okay to invite other people to not ask you about dating, to reject bad advice, and to have to take a break from the small talk when you need to refocus and remind yourself of the goodness of your life in the here and now. You are single, but you don’t have to be sorry.
If you aren’t single: It’s hard not to ask the single people in your life about dating – it’s so exciting! But just like your relationship with your significant other is a facet of your beautiful and complex life, the same is true for those of us who are single. As you gather with friends and family this holiday season, consider asking after other elements of your single friends’ lives: their job, their pet, their favorite kind of cheese. . . We’d welcome the opportunity to bond with you over our similarities, not what often feels to us like our biggest difference: our relationship status. It will be such an encouragement to your single friends when the emphasis isn’t placed on their single life but on who they are as a person.
None of us were created as a fragment, looking for its matching piece in the heart of a significant other. Psalm 139 says that we were “skillfully formed” (v.15) by God and “in Your book were written all the days that were ordained for me” (v. 16). God, your Father, created you unique and distinct from 8 billion other people on earth. And the same is true for your single friends. Many of us would love that reminder from a friend or family member during this season.
The bottom line is: our God is not a God of lack but abundance. Comparison tempts us to feel that we are lacking, but God reminds us that He has a path full of richness and joy laid just for you. During this holiday season, let’s all pursue intentionality as we flee from the comparison trap and love one another with the love of God Himself.
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Beautiful! Amen! Blessings to you Ellen!
Thanks so much Ruth!
Thank you for the reminders. I believe there is interest in others but we also need to keep empathy in mind before those questions to others. I get some of it due to my life’s circumstances. I understand where folks are coming from, but there are times I’d rather not be reminded of things.
Totally agree Madeline! Thanks for reading 🙂
Ellen well wrote. My two best friends are single. They along with another friend of mine who is a best friend are single. They if we’re asked would they like to be in relationship. They said never thought about it happy the way we are. If was of God it would have happened. But don’t miss not having what you never had they say to me. We have the Lord. They are happy with their lives. I love them. They tell you they can do what they want and don’t have to worry about anyone. But at the same time saying I am Married. It is nice to have some one. I can see what they mean when they say the things they say. God I believe has our lives maped out for us. If we are to meet someone we will. If not we not. Thank you again Ellen for what you wrote. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little keeping you all in prayer incourage. Xx
Thanks so much Dawn! I agree with you – God has our lives mapped out for us, and we can trust His plan.
Thank you Ellen for your reminder “to connect” with our loved friends and family as a person not as a comparison to us or others. I really appreciate the use of scripture too! I can always use a little help and encouragement (scripture) in choosing the right words and questions in my communication.
Have a wonderful blessed day \0/
Thanks so much for the encouraging words Janet! You too! 😀
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this, Ellen. You really spoke to my heart today. I am trying to maintain momentum in my life while waiting on several things, and these words especially encouraged and challenged me: ‘if you actively work to focus your eyes ahead on the path God has laid out for you, you will find joy untethered from comparison. God knows your desires and your heart, and He has laid out a path just for you.’ Thank you again, and Merry Christmas!
Aw thank you Stephanie! I really appreciate your kind words. Merry Christmas!
Wow! I needed this reminder right now! As an empty nest, single woman, I am prone to comparing my loneliness to the happy couples and families I see on social media. Those feelings are compounded by remembering past holidays when my kids were younger, when I wasn’t single. Thank you!
Bethany,
This can be especially hard around the holidays. Our little church has a “family communion” at our Christmas sermon. By family we mean anyone who you want to join your group. We usually go with his x-in laws & their family. We include a friend of theirs. My pastor’s wife invites many “single” or those alone to come to a potluck on Thanksgiving, Christmas & Easter. She does so to make sure you aren’t alone the whole day. Praying you won’t feel to lonely this year. Asking God to provide a place for you to enjoy friendships.
Blessings 🙂
I totally understand how you feel Bethany! It’s so hard not to compare. I hope this Christmas is a community filled, joyous one for you.
Ellen,
Loved this: comparison is the thief of joy. That is soo true. It’s hard to be happy when we think we need to have or do what others have/do. Like you said we were all created different. Hubby I don’t like traveling especially in big cities. My ideal town would only have around 15-20k people. My hubby has a nephew that is divorced many years) & will never get married again. He is content with his life. When we see him we ask about any home renovations, paintings, or work. I love to engage with others on a deep level that shows I care for them. God has each of us on a journey. No one knows what that might look like.
Blessings 🙂
Thanks Beth! It’s true – there are so many ways to interact with others beyond just their relationship status. And we get to know each other in new and deeper ways too!
As a single woman these words really blessed me! Thank you for sharing sister ❤️
I loved this message. I heard a sermon once that explained there are different blessings in everything. If you are single, you can do whatever you want without checking in so much, if you are married you have someone always there and less lonely. If you have kids, you get the joy of raising next generation of believers, if you don’t have kids, you can go on trips easier. Life has many different blessings from God and none of us have the same. Thankful for what each of us has received. Amen