A couple years ago my family took a long road trip. At the time, my husband and I were so at odds that I was terrified of having so many hours together, in a van, with nothing to distract us from each other and our differences. We’ve never had an easy marriage, but politics and a pandemic had pushed us further apart than we’d ever been — far enough that I wondered if we could ever bridge the gap again.
To remove the opportunity for arguments or awkwardness, I looked up “couple conversation starters” and saved them on my phone. I downloaded a kids podcast that would, at the very least, entertain our girls and give us something neutral to talk about. And I begged God to please, please help us keep the peace and even enjoy our time together. All my preparation worked for a while but inevitably one of us would step on a conversational land mine that led to whisper-shouting at each other or sitting in frustrated silence.
But then we drove by a small town, and we both noticed a row of houses sitting very close to the highway. Our eyes met, confused and amused. Almost in unison, we both exclaimed, “Why on earth would you build your house so close to the highway?! I would never!”
We laughed, and I breathed deeper. I found a country music station on the radio and relaxed a bit as we began to sing along.
Now, clearly, our similar views on house-to-highway proximity and our shared love of Garth Brooks didn’t resolve all our issues. In fact, those issues are still present today, though they’re not quite as sharp or strong. But realizing that we still had some things in common — even if they were the smallest things — was enough to shift my perspective and my attitude. It also created momentum, prompting me to look for and remember other, more significant things we still shared; a start to healing some of the rift between us.
It reminded me of a song called, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” In this song, a couple is close to breaking up as they realize they no longer have anything in common. But then they remember how they both loved the classic movie and that one detail changes the tone of the conversation.
“Well, that’s one thing we’ve got.” This last line of the chorus is so hopeful to me, as if it’s a place to start again. We’ve got this one thing; surely we can find or create others.
When we’re at odds with family, friends, co-workers, or neighbors, finding one thing in common can truly change the tone of a conversation and even the direction of the relationship. Sharing something, anything at all, can relax our posture into something a little less defensive and a little more welcoming. It can give us a pathway back to one another, refreshing our affection and even respect for one another.
Unless we can do this, we’ll continue growing apart. We’ll keep believing the other person is in complete opposition of everything we are and believe in. We’ll fail to trust them, we’ll refuse to respect them, and our love for that person will become withered and weak. And then what?
At that point, will we be able to change their mind about the thing we’re disagreeing about? Will our disappointment and disgust convince them our way is the better way? In a relationship that damaged or distant, are we able to show them God’s light and love?
No, no, and no.
In Paul’s first letter to the church in Corinth, he says he is “all things to all people” (1 Corinthians 9:22 CSB). The context of this statement is that he’s defending his lifestyle choices and the sacrifice of some of his rights to the Corinthians, explaining that each of these decisions has been an effort to connect with people who need the good news of Jesus. He attempts to be as least offensive as possible to each person he hopes to help. Therefore, he says, he becomes all things to all people.
For a long time I felt Paul’s approach was deceitful or even weak. Why would he pretend or simply give into what other people want him to be or do or say? Be yourself, Paul! But Paul wasn’t not being himself. He was simply putting aside his own wants and needs for a bit in order to find common ground with people he wanted to connect with. As a matter of fact, the New Living Translation puts it exactly in those words!
I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some.
I Corinthians 9:22
Don’t get me wrong; I wasn’t trying to save my husband in the story I shared. But in a way, rediscovering common ground and choosing to plant ourselves there has saved our relationship. And I wonder if it might help you with some of the hard relationships in your life.
Think about that coworker who criticizes you in front of the boss. Or that neighbor who flies a giant, offensive flag in their yard — or just lets their dog do its business in everyone else’s yard! Think about your aunt who rants on Facebook or your friend whose parenting choices are always the exact opposite of yours.
Can you find common ground? A football team you both root for? An appreciation for cat videos? A crispy hotdog and gooey s’mores around the fire pit? An old band or new movie? The color turquoise or Taylor Swift’s new album or the coffee shop downtown? Can you find something and then linger there? Begin there? Build from there?
It’s true that some people grow apart and some relationships end. But for the ones that still have common ground somewhere underneath the rubble of conflict and pain, healing can take place and good can be done.
Let’s commit to finding — and standing on — common ground.
Reminding myself that we are each made in the image of God gives me a starting place when my snap judgement would gloss over another’s value. Seeking to see what reflection of God even if so very dim is there focused me on seeing the common ground between us. Blessings Mary!
Ruth, that’s so wise. Learning to go to that truth right away (that we’re each made in God’s image) is what I’m working on!
God didn’t give me my husband to change him, but to love him.
God changes people. The circumstances I want God to change
may be the very circumstance God uses to change me!
All true, Peggie. Thanks for being here today!
This is just what I needed to hear this morning. Struggling to keep my mind on things above, and focus on what we share, the good things, instead of our differences and what I feel is lacking. God is still working. Thanks, Mary.
God is still working—amen to that, Gail!
I’ve been having a hard time with people lately. Your post spoke to me and gave my heart a little hope. Thank you Mary!
I feel that struggle, Cheyla! I’m so grateful my article was encouraging!
Thank you, Mary! I struggle with some of my friendships, due to differences in opinions. I want to do better. Thank you for the encouragement!
I’m in that same spot, Irene. We’re in this together!
Thank yo Mary for todays reading and for you being honest about what you said. We have to all of us remember it say in the Bible the Husband is the head of the House. The wife should submit to your own Husband as to the Lord. We find this in Ephesians 5:22 on wards it also goes on to say other things about a Marriage. We have to look back at our Marriage say when we don’t see eye to eye with either. What brought us together in the first place that we loved either to want to get Married to either. Especially when we are not getting along for what ever reason. As we all have to work at Marriages. It is not a bed of roses with all pretty colours etc. How did the rose get to be the beautiful rose. It got there because he pushed through the thorns. Did not let anything get in it way to be that beautiful Rose. We have to do the same in our marriages. As we not always get on or agree with either on every thing. But we people in the Marriage will like different things and some things we will both like together. There will be some things we will do that will annoy either as we don’t like what the other person is doing. But we have to find common ground. Get past the things that we do that annoy either that they will not annoy us. We will get we pass no remarks on them. But it can take time for us to get like that. As if we let it annoy us the thing they are doing that we don’t like. It can cause rows with both of. We don’t want that. So we have to work on it for it not to annoy us. I know this true with my Husband. As he does things I don’t like. I do things he doesn’t like. But we learn to work through them in Love so as no rows are caused with us both. We have to remember when we made our vows we made them for life. Satan the old Devil is out to do anything to cause rows and break ups in Marriages. We don’t want to let Satan the Devil do that. As we have to also remember it was love that brought us together enough to make us want to get married and live together for the rest of our lives. If it is Football your Husband likes and he wants to watch it on TV. You are not to get annoyed especially if you don’t like it. As he could be going to pub or his friends houses to watch it. You be thankful he watching it in own home. Your Husband has to do the same with you over something that annoys him. As you could be away with you friends and not be at home with him. It all about compromise. We in Marriage both have to do that. Be thank full we have either. Now and again it nice to tell either we love either and show either that we appreciated either. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xx
Hi Dawn. Thanks for sharing this today.
Excellent! Especially now that the mid-term elections are upon us creating more of a divide than any of us want. Bending a little is better than breaking; sharing common ground is a good place to start healing relationships. Thank you for sharing your story and Pau;’s wise words.
Bending a little is better than breaking—yes! Why did it take me so long to learn this? (And why am I still actually in the process of learning it?!) I’m thankful for this reminder myself, Bettye!
What a beautiful vulnerable article! May God bless this perspective and your words.
So needed!!!!
So glad this was encouraging to you, Jeri. Thank you for reading!
This article could not have come at a better time. My husband and I have a deep chasm in our relationship. Over the years raising children I was the single parent too often. I did try marriage counseling by myself. Slowly things changed a bit. However I spend time w/o him too often. He makes other choices a priority and they don’t include me. We’ve lived separate lives for so long. I was hoping retirement would be different. But I guess I need to be in charge of my own happiness and build a life in retirement. I do try to focus on common ground but I overhear snide comments about wasted time. Very discouraging ☹️
Marlene, I am so sorry. I can hear the pain in your words, and I pray you can find a new connection with your husband and peace no matter what. You are so loved and so valued!
Thank you for your vulnerability, Mary! I think there are a lot of us who can relate to your story. It reminds me of a rainy morning at the bus stop a few years back. It struck me, as another mom offered shelter under her giant umbrella, that rain is an opportunity to share an umbrella—to see how we are much more the same than different. Without an umbrella, we are equally soaked—regardless of our stories, status, passions, and preferences.
Mary,
Yes to finding common ground. It takes the heart of Jesus to look beyond the differences & find something you can talk about. Jesus even talked to a Samaritan Woman-Jews never would associate with them. He started with small talk & made her aware that He knew her life. May be we could do that. Start out with simple small talk. Avoid the hard topics & see what happens.
Blessings )
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