I invite a few close friends over for a grown-up tea party, and before they arrive, I rhythmically move around the table arranging small crustless sandwiches, lemon bars, scones, and cream. I set out my beloved Noritake gold-rimmed plates, teacups, and saucers — our wedding china. I smile remembering all the times I’ve used this china, and I think again how thankful I am to get to love on my friends and myself by using it once again. The good life comes from giving ourselves a little attention by enjoying the good things rather than keeping them hidden away.
I set out the porcelain tea bag holders and little stirring spoons. I realize I forgot the water goblets and then remember that one friend won’t be joining us, and I find uninvited tears showing up before the party.
It’s silly to be crying, really. I mean, this friend didn’t die. We didn’t have a big fight or a dramatic falling out. Our friendship just changed, unfolded into a new season. And that new season has me a little sad because I just miss her.
I stare at the dining room chair at the end of the table and briefly contemplate taping her picture to the seat-back. Or maybe even just leaving one seat empty in her honor? I don’t, of course, because that would be a little crazy. But sometimes we want to give the loss a tangible space to be remembered.
I would love to simply give love all the attention. But for many, loss is the tagalong companion to love, and it’s impossible for loss not to get a little attention too.
Today, my heart holds sadness for a friendship that doesn’t look the way it used to. For you, maybe there is a sadness for the same — or from a different kind of relationship that doesn’t look the way you wish.
If that’s the case, may I humbly offer these truths to help during the hard moments? Here are five truths to ease the changing seasons of friendships:
1. Give your sadness a safe space. Don’t skip over the sadness. Give yourself permission to mourn the loss for an appropriate amount of time. Let it have its say, but don’t let it be your boss because hope always gets the last word.
2. Don’t assume there’s something wrong with you. When a friendship or other relationship changes, it’s easy to look inward and think, What did I do wrong? Instead, look upward and assume that for now, God simply wants your attention elsewhere. Trust Jesus with your reputation as well as this situation.
3. Believe God continues to give His best to you. This includes people who are best for you.
4. Pray God’s best for your friend. Whatever the particulars behind the relationship change, let’s remember to represent Jesus well by letting the situation bring out the best in us, not the worst.
5. Fervently thank God for the vibrant relationships you do have. Even if it’s just one friend, and that friend moved five states away. Or even if that friend is the one preoccupied with a new baby or busy with a new job. Thank God for who is present at your table and in your life.
And in this month that finds so many of our children and loved ones in a new school year, I pray these truths over all those young’uns looking for life-giving friendships in their lives.
It takes strength and courage to hold our relationships in upturned palms instead of squeezed in tight fists. To say, You are welcome to stay here, but I won’t bolt you inside. Some seasons call for bravery in the form of staying close. Other times, a season calls for bravery in the form of keeping our distance. In those moments, may we continue to give ourselves a little attention by enjoying the good things — and good people — around us. And may we also see all the ways God gives us gifts — gifts that are signs of Love present everywhere.
If you’d like more encouragement in your changing friendships or direction in another difficult life change, check out Kristen’s devotional: When Change Finds You: 31 Assurances to Settle Your Heart When Life Stirs You Up.
My 28 year old friendship with my best friend ended abruptly this January.
I had covid and was upset about what I PERCEIVED an intrusion on my privacy ,when she announced it to other friends, without discussing it with me first!
The break up was a long time coming, the Holy Spirit had spoken to my heart several times, but I kept reminding Him of who she was ,and I did my own thing!
It was messy ,and exhausting and it finally came to a place where I FELT AS IF I was being used for what I COULD GIVE(MY TIME,MY IDEAS,MY PRAYERS),with none of the same in return.
Then I fell ill, and it ALL came tumbling out in 1 big messy ball.!!
I was lonely ,very lonely, thereafter, and I prayed to God to send me friends!
He did!
Old friends reconnected, new friendships rekindled ,and ignited into something that made my heart sing ,like the old days!…
Trust the process,God will give you what you need, and when He does, its exactly what you wanted all the time.
I’m forever grateful for the time and effort from my bestie, but I have new sisters now, and they need me ,in the same way I I need them.
A new chapter to write, with new characters, and I’m soooo grateful to be able to do it with them ALL!
“Trust the process, God will give you what you need, and when He does, it’s exactly what you wanted all the time.” I love this, Pamela. And I love that you’re using a painful experience–the loss of a longtime friendship–to show us how God can have something very good waiting for us on the other side of something very hard. Thank you SO much for sharing here!!
Needed to hear this today, as several close female relationships have changed. God continues to move women in and then out of my circle. I know it’s to make room in my life for new relationships, but the older I get, the harder it is.
Thank you!!!
Kathleen, I’ve also found that the older I get, the harder it gets to find new friends. Here’s to you and I both staying open to new connections! Much love.
Letting go of changing friendships and relationships is so hard for me, no matter the reason. I know it’s sometimes necessary, but I don’t like it. Thankfully, we never have to let go of our relationship with God, the one who gives life.
Well said–and good golly, do I ever relate to what you’ve shared here. Letting go of those changing friendships is hard for me, too, especially when it’s not my idea (ha). My friend, Salena Duffy, says that sometimes, rejection is God’s protection against what’s not in our best interest. That doesn’t make letting go automatically easier, but knowing this comforts me in the process.
Thanks, Kristen! I’ve lost a whole group of friends recently. I’m not quite sure if it was the pandemic or the political climate. but I am no longer included in that group. It makes me sad, but I don’t know how to fix it. I will listen and wait for God’s leading.
I think that’s the wisest thing to do, Irene. And sometimes, I think we’re not going to be able to fix it because we only get to be in charge of our part in the relationship. But gosh, is that hard–when we want something to work, and all our prayers and try-hard efforts don’t bring the results we want. Like you said, during those times, all we can do is listen and wait for God’s direction as we keep our hearts open to the established and new friendships He directs us toward.
Thank you for this beautiful way of showing us how to deal with friendships ending in a healthy way. This helps us all to live a godly fulfilling life.
You’re welcome, Ariel, and thank you for the kind words!
I’m fee!ing sad over the loss of a friendship. My husband died three years ago. This couple were our best friends but after my husband’s death, my friend just pulled away from me. We still talk once in a while but we aren’t close anymore.
I’m so sorry, Barbara–that must feel like loss upon loss. Psalm 119:58 says, “I entreat your favor with all my heart; be gracious to me according to your promise.” May the Lord give you an abundance of favor and grace regarding friendships old and new. xo
Thank you Kristen. Beautiful timely message. My husband and I have some dear friends that are in a “blessed season” of new new grandbabies and retirement. We have grown apart. They are loved and missed, but our lives and “free time” are different.
However, God has blessed with another couple from our church we’ve become very close with. We have similar “free time” and older grand children. We love to eat and adventure. We just click!
Our memories of old are special and cherished and our new ones are too
I love the way you illustrate that we’re never “done” making friends–it’s always worth it to keep our hearts open to new ones. Hooray for friends that “click” with you! I know you bless them in big ways, too.
Thanks for sharing here, Janet! xo
I’m February my husband of 22 years left me. I lost my best friend that day. It is so painful, and yet I love him still and only want the best for him. A month later he was with a best friend of one of my female best friends, whom I’ve known well for years, and due to their relationship I lost them too. I am thanking God for the people in my life, and the new season I pray brings new friends. I pray for those who have hurt me so deeply whenever the Holy Spirit prompts me. Thank you for your article. It gave me space to grieve, yet recall the blessings of God.
Oh Melinda–I’m just so sorry for all the loss and pain you’ve experienced. The way you illustrate Luke 6:28 by praying for him and wanting the best for him…well, it testifies that Jesus is in your heart. May you sense His presence in undeniable ways, and may His grace and favor be upon you through life-giving friendships. Much love.
Such wise advice, Kristen. Especially appreciated what you had to say concerning Truth #2: “It’s easy to look inward and think, What did I do wrong? Instead, look upward and assume that for now, God simply wants your attention elsewhere.” Amen to that!
Thank you, sweet Nancy. God bless and keep you! xo
Kristen, your five encouragements are so good! There are a few tender places in my heart from friendships that changed significantly, and everything you offered extends grace and freedom. A good word, sweet friend <3.
Thank you, dear Robin! Love you so.
Kristen,
In a few months my hubby & I plan on making a big change of churches. Our pastor of 18+ years is retiring. I’ve become really good friends with them. So it saddens me. God in His infinite wisdom already knew this & has given me some new friends. When Covid hit our church shut down for a while. During that time I attended my husband’s childhood church–much closer to home. I got a little involved with them & got to know them well. Starting January 2023 I will be attending that church. Trust God knows best for you.
Blessings 🙂