For the Times You Are Tempted to Walk Away from God
That Sunday morning started gray and cloudy, with rain expected before noon. Crushed gravel crunched beneath my pumps as we walked toward the sanctuary. Years had passed since I crossed the threshold of a church. Memories of our last visit flooded my thoughts. My husband took my hand and winked. He knew I was apprehensive; he held me steady as my trembling nerves threatened to rock me off my heels.
We left our previous church after a grueling process of reporting a leader whose predatory behavior was directed toward me. Later we discovered I was not the only one. I believed then, and I believe now, that reporting him was the right thing to do. It was to protect women who would cross his path in the future.
But to protect others meant social suicide and shunning for me. The leader had carefully endeared himself to staff and contributors of the church. With his charming personality and personal pastoral care, he was able to skillfully camouflage his darker side.
When our report was made known, those I once called friends fled. Some called me a liar, a lunatic, a loose cannon. A place that should have been safe, became a place of great betrayal. Now, many people I had attended Christian conferences with, cooked and cleaned for during illnesses, and prayed confidential prayers with, turned their heads to avoid speaking when our paths crossed in public.
How do you bear a broken heart when your heart friends are no longer there to bear it with you up?
I lashed out at God. I told Him I was done with church.
“Where do I turn in my membership card?” I asked Him at one point. “Your bride has turned into Bridezilla and I don’t need this in my life!”
They say time heals all wounds; I don’t believe that is true. When something breaks into pieces — like who you are and the very foundation you stand on — there is nothing this side of heaven that can mend that wound. There is nothing that can solder the shards of a soul back solid again.
I wanted a window to open so I could escape this pain. But there was a problem. I knew Jesus. I had taught Jesus in Bible Studies and Sunday School. I knew my Savior was alive and well. I could not walk away.
Our soul can never walk away once we meet the Love that is greater than anything we’ve ever known. Even if it felt like God took a break right when life was snapped into pieces, I could not deny His presence in my life. My journal was full of times when He was there to coach, encourage, and lead me. There were entries of miracles, of divine introductions, invitations, and inspiration. How could I walk away from the One whose love and presence have never left me?
Hand in hand, my husband and I walked up the stairs into the sanctuary. My heart pounded with pain from the past, like morse code from my soul: thump, thump, thumpity-thump, danger, run, forget this.
We took a seat in the back of the sanctuary and watched people greet each other in joyful conversations.
My eyes wandered to the architecture. The ceiling looked like the belly of a large boat with its massive beams creating ribs to hold the church together. Circling the pew area were fourteen stained glass windows telling the story of Christ. Clouds outside had muddied their appearance and I struggled to see each story. The first window began with Christ being condemned to death, and the last ended with the His resurrection. Christ’s story told in small pieces of broken glass.
My gaze stopped on the window of Christ with His body dead on the ground and Mary wailing over her son. “Poor woman,” I thought, “you birthed and raised God’s Son — the Savior of the world –and they betrayed you, too. But not God.”
My gut churned and my eyes rimmed salty. Mary had the worst of Church hurts. And there I was seeing her shattered heart through pieces of broken glass.
I think we are all broken, aren’t we? Broken marriages, broken friendships, broken hopes, broken health, broken dreams? And even among Christians, our sharp broken edges can cut the tender places of others.
“It’s time to forgive,” I told myself. “Time to allow God to do something good with this broken heart.”
A whisper, as warm and gentle as a summer breeze, nudged my thoughts. Give Me your broken heart, and watch what I can do.
Outside the sun broke through the clouds, and beams of light started piercing through the windows. Jewel tones of emerald, cobalt, and ruby danced along the monotone ceiling, over the floor, and across people. And the stories told in broken pieces of glass lit up in a brilliant display of splendor.
God can use our broken places for our good and His glory when we surrender our stories to Him. Then our sorrows have value. In God’s hands, our stories become a light leading people back to Him — the One who can take our stained-glass shards and assemble them into a story that changes lives.
Leave a Comment
Kim Gibbens says
Diane,
Thank you for sharing your heart today. My husband left a 22-year place of ministry because of an autocratic abusive new pastor. It left a hole in my heart. We built a ministry and family there and it tore us to pieces to walk away. Healing comes slowly. But God is so gracious and good. I continue to wait on Him to lead us to our new place of ministry.
Diane BAiley says
Kim, I’m so sorry for your pain. Healing can take such a long time. And, finding a new home can take a long time as well. I have prayed for you this morning that God will bring you to a wonderful church family very soon.
Barbara Kuykendall says
I re
Sabrina Owens says
I love this Encouragement it means to me
Diane BAiley says
You have such a beautiful Heart Sabrina! I am thankful you love on people so well!
Christine Shumock says
Thank you for writing such an intimate piece. Humans often fail and sometimes betray , but the Devine is always there.
For me , this piece is a reminder that the Church is not God.
Diane BAiley says
The church tries and sometimes fails, but God is faithful to the end! Thank you for reading this post today.
Bonnie says
“It’s time to forgive,” I told myself. “Time to allow God to do something good with this broken heart.”
I think of broken-heart-pieces, from the past, and those that are to come in the future and your words cause me to remember God always has, and always will, do His best work through forgiveness. Thank you.
Diane BAiley says
That is so beautifully worded, Bonnie. Yes, in forgiveness He does His best work.
Ariel Krienke says
So beautiful. I’ve been in a broken church that just judged anyone who questioned. It is difficult. Thank you for the encouragement that God doesn’t change. The world is the one that hurts us. God always loves us.
Diane BAiley says
I’m Sorry this was your experience in church. Just remember, as I must remind myself also, that God makes beauty out of ashes. I have prayed for you this morning. God is at work!
Teri Murray says
Amazing story! My prayer is that this reaches those who need to heal their broken pieces and allow Jesus to do the healing.
Diane BAiley says
Thank you, Teri. We are lifting up the same prayer.
Cecilia Waits says
Diane, thank you for sharing this. The enemy is so shrewd but Jesus Grace wins every time. It is a struggle especially when we have been so hurt & broken, but if we can just keep our Faith and Focus on Jesus, we can get through any battle! I love your writing style and how you really put things in perspective. Thanks again for sharing!
Diane BAiley says
So beautifully said. Thank you Cecilia for taking the time to read and post a comment.
Mary says
Diane, what a beautiful reminder about God’s love, faithfulness, and forgiveness.
I think of the times I have have wanted to walk away. This line: “How could I walk away from the One whose love and presence have never left me?” makes me take a step back and ask, ” Yes…how can I?”
Diane BAiley says
When life is painful our nature is to run away from the pain. Staying next to Jesus is always the place of healing. Thank you, Mary!
Mary Ann Beggs says
What a beautifully written, authentic story of God’s healing and grace in our broken places! Thank you for sharing your pain and God’s love and faithfulness to bring hope to others.
Diane BAiley says
It is my prayer that this story brings healing and hope to others. Thank you for your kind words.
Bettyruth Russell says
God knows how hard it is for us. He knows we will question him. He is prepared for it and doesn’t hold it against us. Such love and patience. We are beautiful to him in our brokenness because it brings us closer to him.
Diane BAiley says
I love that, BettyRuth! “We are beautiful to him in our brokenness because it brings us closer to him.” Excellent!!!
Tina Higbe says
Thank you for sharing this story Diane. Opening your heart to reveal this hurt will be helpful to so many. It is so painful when those you trust prove to be untrustworthy. Men will fail us, but God never will. This was wonderfully written. I felt like I was right there with you.
Diane BAiley says
“Man will fail us, but God never will.” Yes! Thank you, Tina.
Watt Margaret says
Thank you for this Diane!
Diane BAiley says
Thank you for taking the time to stop by.
Sheila Dailie says
No wonder your spirit reached out to me on the retreat in Nebraska! I love the language you used about stained glass windows.
Diane BAiley says
you are a woman of wisdom. I know God will use you mightily in the lives of women!
Susan Stilwell says
Lovely, my friend. Your road hasn’t been easy but you’ve kept the faith and continued pursuing Christian community. May the Lord richly bless you as you continue trusting him with your broken heart.
Diane BAiley says
I’m go glad God brought you into my path when I needed a new friend the most!
Mary Gemmill says
I was abused in a church and I left never to return and was totally shunned as you were.
But God!
Psalm 18
Psalms 18:20-24 MSG
GOD made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to GOD’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. GOD rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes.
You know how Japanese mend broken bowls with gold making them more valuable?
That’s what God has done with us.
Love you Diane
Xx
Diane BAiley says
Mary you are such a mighty woman of God. I cannot imagine you sitting on the sidelines. I always pictured you leading women’s ministry. But, Whether in the church or in your neighborhood and online, You have blessed women so much with your prayers and presence. I love you!
Megan says
I LOVE this! You need to post more! You are inspirational!
Diane BAiley says
I love you my baby Girl. You inspire me.
Victoria says
So sorry this happened in a place where you should feel safest. This scenario happened locally to a woman and when she came forward and the pastor was asked to step down, she was crucified on social media by people who didn’t know her and people she considered friends. I’m thankful you were able to overcome this. ❤
Diane BAiley says
It is so difficult for a victim to not only speak out but to be victimized a second time. She needs continued prayer. Thank you for posting a coment.
Teresa Williams says
Wonderfully written. Thank you so much for sharing your testimony.
Diane BAiley says
Thank you for taking the time to stop here to read.
Gabrielle Bria says
I love you Aunt Dianne! So glad God used you to to shine light on something incredibly hard to be open about. Beautifully written testimony. Love the “Give me your broken heart & watch what I will do” ❤️
Diane BAiley says
He is Always bigger in love than any sorrow we can experience. Love you!
Amanda says
You are truly an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. The church-especially one we have chosen should always be one of our safe spaces. It hurts my heart to know this happened to you. Many prayers and much love!♥️♥️♥️
Debbie Rackliffe says
Amen! Life can be so hard sometimes, but that’s where much growth usually happens when we surrender our broken hearts to Him. Redemption stories are the greatest stories. Thank you for sharing yours to give hope to others! ❤
Diane BAiley says
ABsolutely! So much growth. Ashes into Art!
Diane BAiley says
Women only come through this because of the Love of Christ.
Nancy Smith says
A beautiful expression of redemption, hope, and tender deliverance from one whose heart could have succumbed to bitterness and torment.
Thank you for your courage, for availing yourself to the grace of God to travel the hard road to healing, and then waiting on the Lord for His timing to give others hope that He can and will do the same for them.
He has bestowed on you “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair.” Isaiah 61:3
May the Lord continue to bless you richly, Diane.
Diane BAiley says
Thank you Nancy. And Isaiah 61 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. There was a season of anger and bitter tears.I wish I could say that it was like water off a duck’s back. But I had a hard season of unforgiveness. But God’s healing comes from his love. If we will slow and look, we find that He is always there showing us the way.
Violet says
Thank you for sharing your journey. Absolutely beautiful , powerful, and just! It takes courage to take a stand among whom we believe are saints. You did just that! You saved and help others who were afraid to take that stand. Bless you dear!
Diane BAiley says
Thank you Violet. You are kind. I DO believe that other women were spared.
Shaye says
Beautiful story of giving it all to God, even the sad parts.
Diane Bailey says
Thank you.!
Sabrina Owens says
You are so encouraging other people be happy I just love your story
https://www.dianewbailey.com says
Thank you, Sabrina. God is good all the time…
Susie says
That was beautifully written with the Holy Spirit guiding you through. This has blessed my soul. I was broken into a million pieces by many family members but the Lord has restored me and is putting back some lilttle missing fragments i forgot to give him, but its ok. I was always looking for a special someone to pour out all my pain coming from an unloving mother and abusive father but struggled to find it. But Jesus showed me how to lean and trust him when the voices of comfort werent there to get me through. His voice began to get louder in the silence, and although it was a painful struggle getting there, he got me there and continues to move me closer and closer. This experience is teaching me how to respond to others in their need of comfort and not to take their focus off their father, redeemer and creator whos knows every hair on your head. JESUS. My husband preached a message look up and live and since he went to be with the Lord, it comes to mind when im feeling low and need a Jesus pick me up. He reminds me that he is faithful, loving, kind and patient with us and will restore what the world will try and break, we just have to let him in those what we think are scary places inside of us that he already knows about. Proverbs 3:5,6. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding and he will direct your path. (He will come in to restore you). Your story really opened up so much to me and im am blessed for you sharing. We over by our testimonies. Belived you are a blessing and inspiration of the Lords touch and restoration.
https://www.dianewbailey.com says
Susie, I have prayed for you. I am so glad you continue to heal. It is the Holy Spirit that heals us fully when there has been abuse, neglect or abandonment. Sometimes we do not see the full healing manifested all at once. There can seem like there are “Little pieces still missing”. But they are coming. I can tell you this with full confidence because, God has promised it. Healing has been a journey for me over many years. I believed I received full healing as soon as I forgave and asked for healing. At times the enemy will try to pull me back into the pit with a memory that frightens or angers me. I must choose to resist the memory and remind myself that it is under the blood of Jesus. Or will I hold onto it and allow it to wound me again…which means I need to heal again. I have no doubt you understand when I say, Healing is a daily discipline to believe the work Jesus has done for me. Keep the faith, Susta! Stay the course next to Jesus.
anonymous says
I had what sounds like a similar experience. I found another church, but still, more than I’d like to admit I feel upset that God allowed that exp. to happen to begin with.
https://www.dianewbailey.com says
I understand how you feel that way. We may never fully understand “Why” in this lifetime. I felt the same way for a long time. We Just learn to take the next step a bit more cautiously. But in all things, I believe God loves me and you. I can say this with confidence because I know from where He has brought me. I’ve prayed for you this morning.
Beth Williams says
Diane,
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful, painful story. God loves broken pieces/hearts. He will take them & mold them into something more exquisite than before. The prophet Isaiah speaks of that in Isaiah 61:1,3 God has anointed me to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. We just need to tell God our stories & leave the rest to Him.
Blessings 🙂
https://www.dianewbailey.com says
Yes, Beth, yes. I love this verse and held to it often. I was even able to laugh with God at times, asking, “Is my crown sparkling yet?” He has done so much good. And as Job asked one time, “can we only accept the good from God and not the difficult?” (Translation losely quoted according to my memory) Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read this post.
Mary Carver says
Oh Diane, I’m so sorry you were hurt so deeply. Thank you for sharing your story with us and pointing us all back to the Lord.
https://www.dianewbailey.com says
Sometimes It may seem He has dropped the ball, but in truth, He hasn’t finished running it down to the goal posts for us.
Mary it has been an honor to be a guest post for (IN)courage. Thank you! Love you all so much!!