I didn’t know her, but I could tell she was having a panic attack. As soon as the flight took off, she began wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans. She tugged on her hoodie and pulled it down to cover her face as if she wanted to be invisible. She held her hands tightly together, every muscle in her body tense. The woman who sat next to her, her mother, placed her hand on the girl’s thigh and gently patted it. The girl quickly slapped her mom’s hand off her thigh, as if she didn’t want any attention drawn to her weak moment. She flung her upper body over her legs, with her head curled in underneath, but she couldn’t escape. No one can ever escape that moment when panic takes over and fear starts screaming in your ears, “You’re going to die!”
I couldn’t stop looking at this girl, because this girl was just like me. For me, anxiety isn’t triggered by flying but by driving on the highway. I don’t like talking about it so I just avoid it. The thing about a panic attack is I am aware of how irrational my fear is, but I can’t help but succumb to it. I want to snap out of this false narrative that my mind keeps telling me, but I feel so weak that I bow to its beating. I give up. I cry. I get angry at myself that I can’t do something that any sixteen-year-old child can do.
Growing up, I was involved in five car accidents, and I totaled three vehicles. Luckily, I walked away from all of them without a scratch on my body. But the last wreck traumatized me and left me with panic attacks, and I haven’t driven on a highway for over ten years.
A few years ago, I accidentally took a wrong turn and ended up on the highway. Luckily, I was on the phone with my husband. He was calmly trying to direct me off the highway, but once I felt the other cars speed past me, the panic attack hit me. I couldn’t hear him reassure me, like the girl slapping her mom’s hand off. I cut him off and screamed over and over, “I am going to die!” My hands shook, tears streamed down my face, and every muscle in my body was tight like I was in a fight. Somehow, I was able to take an exit and get off on the side road.
Along with the fear, shame comes with these panic attacks, and it often makes me want to hide and deal with it alone. A part of me feels like no one will understand because I myself don’t often understand it. It feels like something is wrong with me that I am just weak, yet I feel the pressure to carry it all on my own because of the shame.
This is what anxiety does. Anxiety makes me more aware of me — my weaknesses, struggles, and insecurities. But what if I didn’t allow panic attacks to push people away? What if instead of cutting my husband off on the phone, I let him speak truth into my mind until the negative thoughts faded? What if that girl on the plane held her mom’s hand instead of slapping it away? What if we realized our people are actually part of the cure to fight fear and shame?
Four years ago, I was asked to speak at a women’s retreat on the topic of shame. The Holy Spirit kept putting it in my heart to share about my panic attacks. After I shared, several women shared with me me how they also had similar histories with car accidents and how some suffered with panic attacks. I began to feel the shame slowly dissipate.
It is hard to share our stories and be vulnerable because relationships are complicated and people can hurt you and the enemy wants to us to hide in shame.
But we look at Jesus in His weakest moment, about to be arrested and crucified. Knowing His closest disciples have doubted him and were about to betray Him, deny Him, and leave Him in His greatest time of need, He still invites them into His pain: “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me” (Matthew 26:38 ESV).
Jesus sets a powerful example of vulnerability and walking with community in our struggles.
I still have panic attacks and avoid driving on highways, but anxiety’s power has diminished and I am no longer held captive by shame because I chose to share my story.
Friend, freedom is on the other side of vulnerability. You don’t have to hide or carry your burden alone. And you can choose to embrace the hand that wants to hold you during the hard moments of life.
Leave a Comment
ELMorehead says
Thank you for sharing this. I don’t have panic attacks, but chronic Depression, that I’ve dealt with for decades. I daily fight to replace “shame” with God’s Love, Forgiveness, Acceptance, & Promises. Your words encouraged me!
Simi John says
I am glad it resonated with you friend. We constantly have to remind ourselves that we are fully known and loved by Jesus so shame has no place anymore!
Madeline says
Powerful words and I understand so well! Thank you.
Simi John says
Thank you so much!
Elizabeth (Betsy) Hall says
If you carry all your fears and other “baggage inside and lock others out, you most likely will shrink inward to the point where you are totally isolated. That is not a good place to be. Whatever we have been through or fear to the point of paralyzing us, needs to be shared. We never know how the Holy Spirit will use it to free us and the ones who hear it!!
2 Corinthians 1:3-7. I will just sum it up. What we go through, God wants us to use to help others. Take a minute to read it–it is worth the time!
Simi John says
Amen! Jesus wants us to walk out of the grave with Him into victory, into abundant life!
Betsy Wisler says
Thx for sharing. I had panic attacks years ago but don’t know what caused it. Also agoraphobia after last baby was born. I shared with my pastor’s wife &. 1 friend. They prayed me through enough to get to special church service and even though no one knew his topic he spoke about his past struggle with panic and how God cured him. I was prayed over that night and healed. I was 29 at the time, I’m 81 now. I admit there are times satan brings back those feelings a little and I have to remind myself that God is greater and I’m healed. It’s a very real thing that many don’t understand. Back then I thought I was going crazy & even my husband didn’t know I was struggling. Sharing helps and of course prayers.❤️
Simi John says
Betsy! Thanks for sharing that! God heals and works miracles for His children! Your story is beautiful, I am so glad you chose to be vulnerable and share that with your pastor! I am so glad that you were set free and able to walk in freedom! Praise God!
Deborah says
Beautifully shared Simi John.
Thank You for addressing this & providing valuable insight & a profound answer.
Bless you.
Simi John says
Thank you for the encouragement !!!
Jj says
Yes. I am a victim of anxiety and it has succumb me into it’s webs of lies. Please, I beg on my knees to show me how to overcome this fear, for I push so many people away.
Simi John says
I am so sorry friend! I get what you are going through. I will share what helped me:
1. Know who I am in Christ and remind myself of those things
2. Pray for help, for strength, for wisdom, for peace
3. Share my struggle with trusted people. I shared with my immediate family before I could share with others. If you have no one that you feel safe with then seek out a professional counselor- but speaking it out loud and bringing it to light allows it to lose power and you to experience freedom
Ada Orie says
Sister Simi,
It was very brave of you to share this. May God continue to cover and love you as his mouthpiece. You are brave and fearless to be so transparent. I used to suffer from panic attacks because of finances and extreme stress. It’s debilitating and does bring with it shame. Thanks to God, therapy and a healthy community, I am able to thrive. God bless you for your honesty. I already placed this article on Twitter and will do the same on IG.
Simi John says
Appreciate you! I am so glad you got the help you needed, so that you can now walk in freedom!!
Phyl says
Thank you, Simi, for sharing your story. I, too, have panic attacks. It is so hard for someone who doesn’t suffer from them to understand what you are going through. It doesn’t matter what the individual’s trigger is, it is real to us. I know we are not alone in suffering from them. God always gets me through mine, praying He does the same for you. Be safe!
Simi John says
Thank you for sharing! Thankful that He is a safe place for us in times of need!
Donna Burttschell says
Thank you Simi for sharing your story. I have suffered off and on for 11 years with depression and anxiety. I am now in one of those seasons of depression and anxiety… it’s been 9 months now and has never lasted this long before that I recall. It is debilitating and isolates me. It saps me of strength and affects my concentration, so I’m constantly checking things to make sure I don’t make a mistake or forgetting something. Also, my 41 year old stepdaughter and our 14 year old grandson live with us, we help to support them on our very limited social security so she can afford to keep our grandson in private christian school. My husband and I are 74 and 75. We have very little privacy if any at all. But I cling to the Lord and His promises. And I believe to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living again. For He is faithful always. Psalm 71:20,21 is one of His promises that I cling to. I have made myself vulnerable to those with whom I feel safe. I pray that God’s purpose for my life will be fulfilled and that my life will bring honor and glory to His name and that He will bring much good fruit from this to help others. Thank you again Simi for sharing your story. It helps me to not feel quite so alone.
Simi John says
You are strong! You are a safe place for so many! Your story will help others! We have to make sure that in our weakness we don’t wander away from people- it’s natural to do so- but we need to run to them
Instead, so we can also have a safe place and strength when we are weak.
Donna Burttschell says
Thank you again Simi. God bless you!
Simi John says
So welcome!!!
Ruth Mills says
Wonderful encouragement!
Simi John says
Thanks so much !!!
Simi John says
Thanks so much
BC from BC says
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your truth. I get it as I too struggle with anxiety and depression. I think to myself as a Christian I am not to feel this way, where’s my faith? However after decades of counseling and sharing with people I trust (my safe people) and knowing God loves me just as I am it has freed me to be me and am growing and going in a positive direction. Thank You Lord for Your unconditional Love, You are our Creator and nothing is unknown to you. It’s good to share and even talk to those who suffer with this. We can encourage and stand beside them as we walk though this journey together. 🙂
Simi John says
Amen! Thank you for those words, couldn’t agree more! It is always refreshing to me that heroes of our faith in the Bible had moments of anxiety, fear and weakness, from David to Paul. And Jesus makes Himself weak to set for us an example to show us that weakness is not un-Christlike – no matter what cultural Christianity may have taught us- we can look to Jesus and say like Paul “for when I am weak, then I am strong!”
Denise says
I definitely feel this, but a few months ago, I shared about a panic attack with a friend I’ve been close to for 35 years who has also struggled with anxiety. She cut me off quickly, said she couldn’t relate and we really haven’t connected since. My vulnerability cost me my friendship and I feel more shame about this than I have for a long time.
Simi John says
It’s def not easy.I am so sorry that happened to you. Relationships are always risky and some people will leave and not get it. I had people just in my extended family really mock me for my panic attacks with driving- but I had to realize that they may not be ready to process it with me now and that’s ok. God will always provide someone, someday that will be safe and be there. Please don’t let that negative experience shame you or stop you from sharing your story in the future.
Conchita Harris says
I too have experienced anxiety driving but by God’s Grace and faithfulness, He has protected me and given me victory, His victory!
Thank you for sharing.
Simi John says
Praise God! That gives me hope!
Anonymous says
Thank you for sharing this! I have had fear and anxiety about driving for a few months now after experiencing a car issue that logically I know wasn’t that bad…. yet the fear and anxiety are gripping. I have also struggled with the shame of not being able to do what comes easily for everyone else. I have only shared with a few people and thankfully their responses have been graceful and supportive. However, it is still a struggle when all you want is the freedom to do what came so easily before. I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing this. I felt a lot less alone as I read this today.
Simi John says
Oh friend! That is the best part of sharing- not feeling like you are the only one- it’s freeing!
Julie Garmon says
Love your story and honesty! ❤️
Simi John says
Thanks Julie!
Yvonne Benavides says
Thank you for sharing. You encouraged me to share my story. Now I wish I was brave enough to do it.
Simi John says
May God grant you the strength you need and bring you safe people to share with!
Beth Williams says
Simi,
Anxiety & depression carry a stigma with them-especially in the church. It seems like no one wants to talk about it. Thankfully you others keep bringing up the topics. After all we were made for community. God expects us to share our experiences with others. In that way we can show them that they are not alone. They don’t have to be fearful or dismiss the help others are trying to give them. Thanks for being vulnerable & sharing your story.
Blessings 🙂
Simi John says
Amen! We need eachother and our healing happens in the context of Christian community!
April Spencer says
Thank You for this. I can relate, I am fortunate to not have noticable panics, but my brain is always overthinking…my mind is constantly twisting and turning.
Simi John says
Saying a prayer for you now!
Lisa says
Thank you for sharing your vulnerable heart!
Simi John says
Thanks for taking the time to read and encourage me!
Theresa Boedeker says
When we do tell our stories to the right people, it dissipates our shame. I too had panic attacks for years from an auto accident. And it was telling someone about 6 years later, that helped the panic attacks loosen its grip.
Simi John says
Yessss!!that’s the best part of sharing, it’s usually met with a “me too” which immediately takes away the element of needing to hide in shame!