Everyone is sitting on cozy couches watching Hallmark movies. They feature leading ladies who return to their hometowns only to fall in love and find that their lives are finally falling into place. I know I should be snuggled up watching holiday movies too, baking gingerbread cookies, and singing all the Christmas songs. But instead, I am listening to “My Little Love” by Adele on repeat — and I cannot stop from playing the song over and over again, the lyrics looping in my kitchen, in my office, in my car:
I’m holding on (barely)
Mama’s got a lot to learn (it’s heavy)
I’m holding on (catch me)
Mama’s got a lot to learn (teach me)
The words of this song come to me when I wake. I hum them while I brush my teeth, I sing them in the shower and in grocery stores. I look up the lyrics and memorize them because even though Adele doesn’t know me, I’m sure the song is about me. I’m the one that’s barely holding on. I’m the one that, thirty years into living, still has so much to learn.
I am the mama hoping that the hurt in her heart doesn’t catch on to her kids. I am the mama hoping that her lostness doesn’t disappoint the light in her kids’ eyes when they discover that she doesn’t have it all together. That no matter how intelligent and brave and fun she seems, she’s really just a woman tearing at the seams.
And this isn’t just a sentiment for the mamas — this is the ache in every heart of any woman who’s got a lot to learn. It’s the ache of every woman that needs time to stand still and keep her wreckage from the world. It’s the ache of every woman desperately hoping that someone will love her while she’s learning, secretly guarding her imperfections so that she does not infect the ones she knows and loves.
But time will never stay or stand still. Kids outgrow clothes, and the sun rises just as soon as we set our eyes to sleep. We barely catch our breath before we realize we’ve grown another year older, another year colder. And what we need at this point is not pity or apologies and not even just prayers.
What we need, at this point, is the truth that the God of the galaxies is enough to hold and handle our every emotion. What we need is the assurance that His love for us will not bend or break at the first — or second or third — sign of us losing faith. What we need is for the kind of grace that never rushes us or runs out on us.
We need the promise of His presence which never fails no matter what it is that we’re facing, both within and around us. We need the promise of a God who will walk with us through the scenarios that do not make sense, the circumstances in which we are still grieving and growing, still wandering and wondering.
These words from Adele, the honest confession of holding on and still having a lot to learn, pricked my seeking soul to recall story after story of God who walked through the most uncertain circumstance with a whole tribe of imperfect people. I am reminded of God who remained with the Israelites in their wilderness.
He was a God who didn’t just lead them out of their lostness but led them through it. Through every lesson they needed to learn — all of their polarity and immaturity, all of their unbelief and wavering grief — He walked with them, loving them as they learned to serve, love, and trust Him and each other.
I imagine the women — the grandmothers, mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, wives, friends. I imagine their exhaustion from living in lostness, waking and rising to the same day in the wilderness, seemingly on repeat. I imagine them feeling like they didn’t know what they were doing, like they’d somehow gotten it all wrong. Feeling like, after all those years in Egypt, fighting for their freedom and singing about the sureness of God’s goodness, they still had so much left to learn as they carried out their faith, families, and future.
But God still loved them even in their learning.
By day the LORD went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people.
Exodus 13:21-22 (NIV)
And God loves us even in our learning. He provides for us and speaks promises over us, leading us through our darkest and hardest seasons when it feels like we are wandering around in the dark — confused, unsure, and barely hanging on.
And because of this great love — His promises, provision, and even protection — we do not have to circumvent the weight of our stories with anyone or hide the fact that we’ve not yet arrived. We can admit that we are tired and unsure and wary of the way even while we are trusting that God is holding us through it all. He leads and loves us even as we’re still learning.
Leave a Comment
Bub says
This isn’t just for mamas. It is also truth and encouragement for 72 year old grandmas
Rachel Marie Kang says
You are so, so right. That’s why I wrote the lines: “And this isn’t just a sentiment for the mamas — this is the ache in every heart of any woman who’s got a lot to learn. It’s the ache of every woman that needs time to stand still and keep her wreckage from the world. It’s the ache of every woman desperately hoping that someone will love her while she’s learning, secretly guarding her imperfections so that she does not infect the ones she knows and loves. ”
I hope this grace meets you where you are today…as you love the people that make up your world. Much love…
Deanna Day Young says
Oh my goodness how I needed this today. It’s like permission to let go and just let it all go out to God. It’s permission to be authentic and let people know you don’t have it all together. This has been a year of not having it all together for me. So much going on in my life. Mostly good things but things I can’t control. And then there is the wayward child that breaks my heart but I certainly love anyway. Nothing is ever perfect but then I realize God doesn’t want it perfect here on earth or we would never want to leave it. Thank you for this beautiful writing. God knew it was exactly what I needed to hear today!
Rachel Marie Kang says
Wow, Deanna. You say that my words have encouraged you, but your words have encouraged me. My oh my, it’s so true that if everything here was perfect, we would never want to leave. May God meet you today, and in this season, with the grace you need to release perfection and embrace honest living. You are loved by God and surrounded by people that love you—just as you are. Much love…
Krista C. says
This. Rachel Marie, I so appreciate your words, honesty & encouragement. This spoke to my weary heart today. Thank you!
Rachel Marie Kang says
Believing God to revive the weary corners of your heart today. Thanks so reading, I’m so glad it touched you—all my love…
Ruth Mills says
There is tremendous comfort in knowing we don’t have to have it all together. He came because we can’t be perfect! But He is. & He is the greatest teacher that loves while He teaches & perfects His imperfect pupils. Thank you for this timely reminder!
Rachel Marie Kang says
He really is the greatest teacher. Thank you, Jesus, because without him we would be so, so lost. Trusting these words will carry you with grace through your week. All my love…
kimmieg says
I need this over and over again.
Rachel Kang says
Me too, sister. Me too. May grace wash over you as you walk through this week <33
Sandy says
Hello!
What a Wonderful Message!
All of it is so True! I’m 83 &
I thank you for all the words you
Wrote!
Many Blessings
Sandy
Rachel Marie Kang says
Thank you, Sandy, for sharing your age and sharing that these words touched you. It’s actually so encouraging and humbling to know that we will always be learning as we go through life. I think the more that women share that, the more grace there is in knowing there is no shame in this. Wishing you so much love, this week <33
BETHANY SCHEFFER says
So relevant. I am right there – I am struggling. What I am struggling with hurts me, my kids… and my boyfriend left because of it. The kids are mine – but his backing off devastated them as much as me as he and I planned on marrying. I am left praying for a little miracle to bring us all back together and to heal my heart from all the hurt it carries from the past (before boyfriend) and the effects from it. Mama IS barely holding on and I know I have got a lot to learn. I am learning that there’s a lot of grace in community – that you can’t get through the messy without the church. Learning to be honest about who I really am and what I am struggling with in the moment is so hard when when I desperately want people just to like me – but having other imperfect people rally around you in prayer and encouragement is one of the most necessary things to get you through. <3
Loretta says
Dear Bethany, sweet child of God, it is always precious when God shows up, whether through the encouragement of others or reading his word. But nothing ever will take place of Him being in our presence when no one is around and we are completely helpless in our pain. I have been there and from that special moment of being completely defeated by my own choices, He came and with the words of “it’s going to be OK that only I could hear, I knew that He was not only with me but for me!! We have walked together these almost 46 years now and to this day I will never forget that He said it’s going to be OK and it has been. In spite of all that has gone on in my life, and just like most people, it’s been pretty rough at times, but I can say with confidence “it’s OK”
So just hang in there and cling to Him as if your life depended on it cuz frankly it does.
Rachel Marie Kang says
Loretta, these words are so sweet…thank you for sharing them. You are so right, God really is with us AND for us. Thank you for your testimony…you encourage us all…may God’s voice continue to be ever so clear for you. Much love…
Rachel Marie Kang says
Oh, Bethany. I feel every ounce of this confession. And more than me, I know God hears every word your heart longs to speak. About how it all feels hard and impossible and lonely. I am so sorry for what you’ve lost as you learn. May you hold onto the truth that nothing is to far gone for God to redeem. He isn’t finished with you yet. He isn’t finished with your family yet. May that encourage you to keep holding on…and keep hoping for good to come. You are not too far gone for good to come of this. Much love <33
Courtney says
I love this! Thank you, Rachel! So thankful we don’t have a have it all together to be God’s!
Rachel Marie Kang says
So grateful he is the one to hold all things…even us, as we fall apart. Much love to you, Courtney!
Sherill Stewart says
Oh my goodness, Rachel Marie, your words bring me hope and encouragement to press on with Jesus as my Lord & Savior even though most of my family, even my beloved son & wife, are not believers.
I so often wonder where my loving Christian husband & I went wrong and God has revealed many of my failures. A part of me hurts everyday. At 73 this mama still has a lot to learn. Your words become God’s words to me. Thank you, Precious Sister in Christ, for your your strong faith in God & your gift to express it! You are forever in my heart & prayers. Much love
Rachel Marie Kang says
We could sit and wonder all day long about where we went wrong…or we could pray, “Lord continue to lead us toward what is true and right.” So thankful for your words, Sherill, and thank you for sharing your age…because it’s always humbling to hear that we are all always learning…perhaps, as it should be… much love <333
Beth Williams says
Rachel,
This reminds me of something I read by Ann Voskamp. She said “it’s time to take off our masks & be real”. We don’t have to pretend to have it all together. Show the real you to the world. Admit you have trials or just troubles managing everyday life anymore. God understands. He sees our struggles & hears our cries for help. He will get you through ALL your dark, hard seasons. If you feel like you’re in the dark, barely hanging on then let God show you the way out of this wilderness.
Blessings 🙂
Rachel Marie Kang says
Amen, amen, amen — Beth, your words are so true. Thank you for sharing them…he is our light in the dark of night when all is confusing and hard and unsure. He will continue to lead us on in his good grace. I am so thankful for that. May he continue to lead you, even this week. <333
P says
This hit the nail on MY head, too.
Rachel Marie Kang says
I love it when God brings words that meet us where we are. Sending you love today and this season <333
Hosaena Collins says
Rachel Marie Kang says
Sending you much love, Hosaena <33