I never felt truly beautiful or beloved. I thought it was something only people with perfect families in nice-looking houses got to experience. So I grew up wanting to leave behind everything that made me feel flawed and broken, and I did all the things I was supposed to do to build a life that looked like everyone else’s.
I did this for a chance to be what I thought was “normal” — so I could belong, so I could be loved. But something unexpected happened: As I tried to build the life I thought I should, focused on taking care of others, I discovered I wasn’t becoming whole — not even close.
Although I was grateful for everything I had in my life, I didn’t feel happy. My sense of belonging didn’t increase, and instead of joy, I felt lonely and uninspired. Somewhere along the way, I had lost the things that make life beautiful and meaningful, that make us come alive with beauty and joy.
Once I had my second baby, I figured it was too late for me; I was in the thick of parenthood. I decided that since we can’t choose our childhoods, it was time to make the next generation’s better. Just get over yourself, Bonnie, I told myself. And that is how I gave up on me.
But God didn’t give up on me. One day, while looking for my son Josh’s birth certificate to sign him up for preschool, I unexpectedly stumbled on my own.
As I studied it closely, it dawned on me: One day, my children will ask me where their grandpa is, and I wouldn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if he was dead or alive. I didn’t know where he was or why he left me and our family.
When I was seven, my father left without saying goodbye. He never came back to visit. He never called. And although I’d check my mailbox on my birthday every year, secretly hoping to find a card, it was always empty.
I couldn’t tell my friends about this because I thought my family life was so weird.
My mother, Ah-Ma, was a mail-order bride from Hong Kong, and my father, Bah-Ba, worked as a busboy in a noodle shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. If you asked me what my father looked like, I couldn’t even tell you for sure.
I didn’t have a single photograph of my father by the time my mother finished cutting up every picture of him as I sat on the floor the day my father left. She yanked the photos out of their vinyl album pockets, making sure to cut straight into the middle of his face on each image, throwing them all over the living room floor.
I learned to never ask questions about my story because Ah-Ma always shouted the breath out of my questions as I sat frozen with chopsticks in my hand, feeling as small as a kernel of rice sticking to the rim of my bowl. “What does it matter anyway?” she hollered at me.
Those were the moments I immigrated to a different kind of land, leaving my broken past behind. I tried to hide all my questions because the new land I endeavored to belong to was the land of the unbroken and beautiful. And there was no room for baggage on this journey.
As I looked at my birth certificate that day, questions that I ignored all those years came alive: Where was my father, and why did he leave?
Determined to uncover the family’s secrets I ran from, I set out to find my childhood home and the father who left me.
God was taking me on a journey to make beauty out of brokenness, to find my true worth. Was I willing to make peace with my past?
As He tenderly gathered all the bruised and broken fragments I’d tried to throw away, He whispered, What no one wants, I cherish. I love every part of you. You are worth loving. You are My beloved.
Even though I didn’t know what I’d find, I decided to set my GPS for my childhood home in San Francisco — for the very first time.
God was rewriting my story with His love, and He wants to rewrite your story with His love for you too. Beautiful friend, will you give God the space to fill in the blanks with His deep, healing love for you today? He sees your tender, lonely places. You are not forgotten. God loves every part of you and wants to shine His light through your stories. No pain is wasted, and He can turn your trials into testimonies — beauty out of ashes, joy out of sadness.
God whispers to you, Beloved, You can’t embrace your belovedness when you follow someone else’s path. You are worthy to live your own version of a beautiful life with Me. You are worthy to be loved.
It’s never too late to be you.
It’s never too late to begin again.
It’s never too late to be loved.
Don’t hide your story; share it. What God has done in your life, that’s what you need to shine. You’re the only one who can tell His story in you.
Your story matters. You matter. You are beloved.
Life doesn’t have to be perfect for it to be made beautiful with God’s love. There is empowering encouragement on every page of Sweet Like Jasmine: Finding Identity in a Culture of Loneliness as Bonnie Gray takes you on the journey to help you draw closer to God’s love and embrace your true worth! Each chapter includes Scripture to bring you peace, stories to renew your faith, and discussion questions to journal and use for your small group and book club.
Comment below and tell us something you enjoy doing that helps you feel God’s love. We’ll choose FIVE winners to receive a copy of Bonnie’s new book Sweet Like Jasmine. Also, you can get a FREE Guided Journal with your order at SweetLikeJasmine.com!
Lastly, join author Bonnie Gray tomorrow, October 13 at 11am central on Facebook for a conversation with (in)courage Community Manager Becky Keife as they discuss Sweet Like Jasmine!
When I look at my daughter who arrived in the midst of some bad decisions and turmoil, I feel God’s love. She is the greatest blessing in my life.
Walking in nature, looking up at the stars at night or gazing out over the ocean reminds me of how much God loves the world and how he rejoices in his creation, including me.
I remember Psalm 8:
Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory in the heavens.
…
When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?
You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor.
You made them rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet:
all flocks and herds, and the animals of the wild, the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas.
Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!
I sense God’s love when I look at my son and my one year old grandson. My husband left us for another woman and I raised my son on my own since he was 2 years old. To see him now as a devoted father, I praise the Lord . Without God’s love and support I would not have been able to raise him on my own. It was the hardest time of my life but God’s love saw me through.
I have followed you Bonnie from your first book until now. Your introductory comments re this book have touched me. I have pushed down inside me a past I can hardly remember anymore. A childhood of alcoholism and physical violence visited upon me. I never asked to be sexually violated either. My life has been spent as a nurse helping others. But I myself am now feeling lonely and a failure as a mother. I will be buying your book in the belief that I too, may find myself as I look toward my Lord and Saviour.
D.
I feel God’s immense love when I look back on my life and see that even in the midst of truly hard, unexpected, harrowing situations, He was always there blessing, holding, comforting, lifting me. It is hindsight that helps me realize He has never left me alone. Ever.
I fee God’s love when someone hugs me!
“tell us something you enjoy doing that helps you feel God’s love”… I like to make cards but often am not happy with what I create, thinking it is never as good as those I see online or in magazines. But I keep trying and send homemade birthday, anniversary, etc. cards to friends and family to let them know I am thinking of them. I think God wants me to do this, to help others feel loved.
Two of the places that I most feel God’s love are when I am outside, enjoying this beautiful world that He created, and when I am in prayer with my wonderful church family. God is faithful, and always takes care of us, even when we don’t recognize it!
I relate to this so much. Some of my greatest lessons in life were found in the darkest lowest moments.
I love to sit in my room and paint pictures of people or things that bring joy to my heart. I started painting during Covid to take my mind off of the grief I felt at losing others. At first I started painting portraits of people and their loved ones who gained their wings. Then beloved pets. Then families. Then the beauty of the seasons or scenes that bring a feeling of “home” or comfort. There is great joy and peace in the quietness of moving the pastel against the sanded paper. The colors sing to my spirit as I carefully select their placement. It’s amazing how many colors you see in bark or hair or water if you quiet your mind and gaze.
I feel His love when I love on and take care of the kids I work with in an elementary school office. Every time I comfort or care for a child who is sad or hurting I notice how my love for each kid is a fraction of how much HE loves each child. It reminds me to love on them, even when (or especially when) their behavior makes it harder.
beautiful Bonnie….God is the author of our story. Each moment is an intricate part written for just us, the good, the hard, the sad the joy! praising and trusting in Him to embrace each moment and giving Him honor and praise!
I feel Bonnie my mother never married my father, I and my brother, never had relationship with my biological father at all. And my mother was the love of his life. But God gave us a stepfather who loved us unconditionally just like my brother and sister he had with my mother. For long time I really disliked my biological father, I had to forgive him, even in his death he didn’t acknowledge myself and my brother. But I do have brother and 2 sisters he father with 2 other woman one sister is deceased. I am know the oldest of the four of us. I have beginning relationship with them. He passed away in 1998, never out a change to meet him. But I am at peace because I forgave him.
I feel God’s love when in worship and fellowship with other believers and in spending personal time with Him in prayer, especially waiting on Him with questions like “how do you see me, Lord? Do you have anything to say to me today?” And following it with a search for a Scripture to meditate on through the day. He is faithful to reveal His love, mercy and grace to me each day & I’m very thankful!
Such a powerful statement regarding checking the mailbox for the longed for birthday card. I can relate. Amazing story.
When I can be outside, walking in a park with trees and plants, or nearby a stream or river, I find great joy. I’m most “beloved” when I am by an ocean shoreline because the majesty of the sea reminds me of God’s love and grace. Like Bonnie, I grew up in an ethnic household with a mother who was very stern, angry and personally unfulfilled. God truly was my refuge and strength! His love coursed through my veins to keep my heart from hardening. Knowing who I was in Jesus took a long time because of my childhood confusion, but He never left my side. All glory, honor and praise to my Abba Father!
I feel God’s love when I sit to talk with a friend. Conversation creates the experience of knowing and being known, listening and sharing, and it reminds me that God made me for this – to love and be loved.
Walking in a nature preserve helps me feel God’s love. I feel each time I go He shows me something special just for me. My heart may be broken at the moment but I can find God’s beauty in each day
I ebb and flow with connecting with God. I too, had a very difficult childhood and it has left me with deep wounds.
When I journal or am quiet I can get glimpses.
I have felt closer to Him and the state of the pandemic and world has created an unknown feeling of distance ,lately.
I would love the book as I have read the others by Bonnie and they helped me stay connected. I also gave several to friends so thank you for your previous writing.
Talking with and listening to my friend who’s life sounds a lot like Bonnie’s. My life has been full of Gods love, my entire life. I struggled having friend connections because I was so close to God. It took a long time but God brought a friend into my life that has shown me that side of the diamond of love He has for me too.
I love walking in the park and watching God’s creation. It sounds cheesy but it not only helps relax me but reminds me I’m not in charge of everything going on around me.
My son, who is now 23 and on his own, will call me or show up just to talk and spend time with me. I love seeing his beautiful smile and his dimples and he has the greatest laugh. I just sit there and soak him in. My life is a lot like Bonnie’s and it’s been hard, but I did do motherhood right. I was my best raising this wonderful gift of the son God entrusted to me. When I’m sitting there soaking my child in, it reminds me that this is how God feels about me (only magnified more than I can ever imagine). He wants this same time from me because He loves me so very much and this is when I can believe it the most.
I feel Gods love most when I am at the lake, enjoying the sunshine, feeding the birds and enjoying all he has made.
When I walk engaging my senses to be fully present to the beauty around me, I feel His love not only towards me but to everything He has created!
Dear Bonnie, I’m wondering if you ever found your father or the answers to your questions. And I’m wondering if the answers to my questions are in this book.
I feel God’s love and confirmation when I do my hospice volunteer work. This work seems to be my true calling. Connecting and building friendships with my patients and their families is what brings me joy. And I hope I bring them joy and some peace, through my efforts and the Lord’s blessings.
I love being outside in nature ❤️ I would love a copy of sweet like Jasmine !
As a single mom, I know that God has been the author of my story in taking a proud, self-righteousness and religious based in-control woman to a broken but beautiful and in-relational ship daughter of my Father whom I love!!
I find joy in sending cards of encouragement to other single moms whom I meet at conferences, encouragement days, and retreats as well as my local support group. It is true that when I reach out to others and pass on encouragement that God has given me, I feel blessed and lifted up also!
Thank you for encouraging us to tell our stories to give hope to others!
I see the glory of God’s love when I look at flowers and see the perfect shapes, and deep colors of these amazing gifts He has given us.
I like to watch the sunrise on my screened in porch yesterday it was gorgeous and pink!
2 things help me feel more connected to God. One is when I’m able to spend time outdoors with Him. That time always rejuvenates me.
Second, whenever I create something through knitting or crochet or cardmaking.
I enjoyed reading Bonnie’s summary about finding her father and her desire to unravel the mystery of him disappearing from her life. I am confident “her story” would bless my heart.
I remind myself daily where i have come from. For without Gods love, caring and directions i would have been a lost babbling individual wandering in a desert. He allowed me to hold on to the hem of His garment and pulled me thru all my trials and tribulations. I know i am His and He is my father that loves me unconditionally. I am so blessed!
JC
I feel God’s love in my alone time, sitting in my favorite chair, cup of coffee, or tea my Bible and my journal. I pray for my children and my grandchildren and for myself because at 43 I know I don’t yet have the wisdom the latter role requires and I feel Gods love as he guides me.
I love to watch sparrows, gold finches, and hummingbirds outside my window, fluttering around the feeders or the birdbath. They sing beautiful melodies that delight me. I always think of God and how He loves and cares for even the His smallest creatures.
“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26 NIV
I feel God’s love when I am walking outdoors. I love to go out in the early morning, bask in His glory and feel His love. I also feel it when I’m watching my boys play. I can really feel how blessed I am in those moments, becuase if I can love those kids so much…how much more must the Lord love me.
I feel God’s love in the beauty of words… the lush, the simple, the cadence, and rhyme.
I feel God’s love the moment my eyes open to a new day, and think about His love, and tenderness to me. Few months ago my grandson passed away, and the love God poured over our family through others was overwhelming, and a tremendous blessing and comfort. I will forever be grateful for God’s compassion and love. Amen ❤
I feel close to God whenever I look at my two beautiful daughters. Motherhood brings me joy I didn’t even know I could experience. It has it’s difficulties too, no doubt. But knowing God chose me specifically to be a mother to my children is something I am so thankful for.
One thing that helps me feel God’s love is sitting at my piano and playing worship music. I’ve had a lot of rejection in my life, and these words from Bonnie really resonated with me today: “It’s never too late to be you. It’s never too late to begin again. It’s never too late to be loved.” Thank you!
I feel God‘s love in many places. I especially feel it when I am outside walking in nature or working in my garden and seeing all the life there. I also see it in the smiles of others.Unfortunately, I forget sometimes, that he is also with us in times of sorrow and in not so beautiful places.
I struggle to be still, so one thing I have found that is helpful is to do art…. drawings or finding images and making collages, or writing in a Field Guide magazine by Bella Grace. It’s a beautiful magazine that encourages journaling. I add scriptures or favorite quotes from others. Especially messages about God’s love for me. It still hasn’t sunk into my heart yet. I think I’m still trying to earn or work for it, instead of receiving by faith. One verse that’s repeating in my mind a lot lately, “The righteous shall live by faith”.
I feel God’s love when I reminisce about when he came to save me when I was the lowest sinner on earth, he passed up a lot of worthy people, just to rescue me.
I have been healing from on sudden onset health condition that has been very challenging these last few months. I was in a very dark place for several weeks. But God is faithful and he is healing me and I have experienced great healing and relief recently. I cried my soul out to God for his healing power when this all began and for relief. The blessing is that this has brought me so much closer to God submitting to him totally everyday and faithfully delving into his Word Daily. I feel God’s love daily in his word and through constant prayer throughout the day which has helped build my trust, hope and faith.
This article has touched my heart. I also felt very unloved growing up as a child. It took me a long time to find my way, but when I discovered how much God loves me – that was a game changer! I look forward to reading all of your story.
Hello Everyone, I am at a safe and soft place in my life. I think about a Bible verse that says God prepares a wide open meadow for me (paraphrased).
I love knowing that God loves Believers, no strings attached. Smile.
My heart can sense God’s presence when I am introduced to a new baby. I smile when I see a Pre-schooler March into school with a confident stride (such a little person). We are God’s Beloved Daughters every day all day long. I can’t do anything to merit more or less of God’s affection.
It has taken a very long time for me to realize that I don’t have to feel pretty to be a beautiful woman. I don’t have to be a perfect employee to be embraced by God’s favor. I don’t have to be the best homemaker to be a healthy mother. I love knowing God meets the “regular” people just where they are. He knows how to relate to anyone at the right time. It gives me Hope to know that God is all Powerful and He loves His children all the way to recovery from brokenness.
Keep placing one foot in front of the other. Ask God for guidance and strength to try again. Find safe people with which to share your story. It’s important to help others by being an example of living in Victory from the deception the enemy offers every day.
To God Be the Glory
Embrace who God made you to be.
Brenda
I have felt unloved all my life…I still don’t trust people…when they get too close I put up walls…I feel like they are trying to control me or I am ignored…I flip between those two categories…I am very interested in reading your story
Taking walks through my neighborhood helps me to sense God’s care for me.
I know God’s love when I care for babies and children! Their unconditional love and happiness and I love baby laughs.
What makes me feel God’s love… when in the midst of the loneliness He whispers His love through a variety of ways be it a worship song, His Word and always on my nature walks. I can’t help but look around me and think I’m but a speck of dust yet He cares for me! I’m 62 and forgotten who I am or quit frankly I don’t even know who I am. A work widow, empty nester whose raised a family. I was determined to raise her family with a “normal” life unlike my childhood only to find myself alone still. Leaning into Him over the past 20 years has been my saving grace! Looking forward to reading your book.
Blessings,
Suzanne
What I do to feel God’s love in my own brokenness and pain? I listen to worship soaking music. I imagine Jesus holding me and speaking the refrains to me. I will also pick up my flute and play whatever notes my heart and fingers choose to play. Sometimes it’s a love song to God, and other times it’s as if He is playing a song to my heart and I can feel His love toward me. My hurt is released and broken wounds are soothed. Thank you Father God for Your loving presence.
I love stopping to look at cows in fields. Something about cows roaming free makes me feel God’s presence.
Bonnie thank you for sharing your heart… God whispers his great love to his very precious children…
I enjoy the time I spend outdoors… this current season of crunching leaves always brings a bubble of joy …
I sense God’s presence when I know I did wrong and reason with Him. I know how stubborn I was with my sin, and how gently God pointed out that it’s my fault. And how he speak to me through devotionals. it’s like the devotional know what happened recently or just now. God knows. And he minister to me with a small gentle voice.
What a lovely reminder, thank you for sharing. One thing that brings me joy in life is my dog, Daisy. I’m so glad God gave us animals that can be pets and companions, as they bring so much joy and happiness into life. Thank you for the chance to win.
I feel God in nature especially as I sit and just take in the beauty He has created. I love to read my devotions sitting out on the dock by the river as I take in the beauty around me.
Bonnie,
I never felt pretty or smart growing up. Felt like the odd man out in my family. I am the youngest of 4 (13,9,7) & was born with two punctured ear drums. Naturally I was super shy & very introverted. Guess you’d describe me as a late bloomer as I didn’t date till I was 38. Fast forward many years & God has shown me exactly why He made me. My parents both had medical issues including dementia & gero psych. He knew I was the one to take care of them.
You hit the nail on the head with this post. Jesus made us & put us on a journey for a reason. It is now our time to tell others our story. Let the world hear about God’s greatness & love for them. Only we can tell His story within us.
Blessings 🙂
I make teddy bears out of clothes of a deceased family member. I pray for the recipient to know God’s love and comfort as they hold the bear. I’ve known some of the people and it is a comfort for me as well.