I grew up on O’Neill Lane in Osage County, Oklahoma — my last name and the last name of everyone living on that lane. And other than a touch-and-go period in middle school, I never had to work to make friends. They were simply always there. My family had lived in the area for generations, so I enjoyed all the familiarity and comfort that comes with that kind of blessing too.
I went to college at Oklahoma State University (Go Cowboys!) an hour from home, and there I met a tall, dark, and ridiculously handsome man named David Strong. At the time he was in the USAF Reserves, but he later transitioned to the ROTC college program to commission as an officer. David was smart, kind, and employed a hardworking ethic I admired. It didn’t hurt that he looked dang good in a uniform too. When he asked me to marry him on a warm fall day, I took .02 seconds to say yes.
What I didn’t know then but would later discover was that marrying him also meant saying yes to building a community of friends from scratch — and doing so over and over again.
When we moved from Oklahoma to Ohio, I learned lickety-split that friends aren’t just always there. They don’t simply apparate onto your front porch like in a Harry Potter film. Most of the time, you and I have to find them.
With a lot of time and practice, I did find them. I learned the imperfect art of making friends. That doesn’t mean I made friends quickly, mind you. Usually I didn’t. It just meant I learned a few things that more likely ensured its success.
Of course, moving isn’t the only thing that can wipe away your community. Your heart — and the hearts of others — can change locations even as your feet stay put. At forty-seven, I’ve reached the point of life where new changes of different life stages pile up quickly. Kids graduating high school. Health crises. Kids moving away. Friends moving away, literally or figuratively.
All this and more can find you and I in the territory of needing to find new friends once again.
Making friends at any age is a tough endeavor. But as I get older, I also have to stare a few realities in the face: I can be my own worst roadblock to potentially meaningful friendships. Here are some things to keep in mind as you and I keep our hearts open to new or deeper friendships in mid-life and later:
Accept that in the beginning, you’ll have to invest more time and effort than it seems you’re receiving in return. This is true no matter how old you are, but I find it to be more applicable today than in my twenties and thirties. When my kids were young, I found myself more regularly in contact with other women because my kids’ friends showed up with grown-ups. If you’re like me and no longer have wee-watts running around, you can’t necessarily rely on the kids’ needs to put you in contact with other gals.
But in the places you do find yourself — church, the neighborhood, the book club — you can intentionally keep your eyes open for potential friends whom you can invite over for dinner, coffee, or just to chat on the front steps. Keep at it, and don’t wait for someone to invite you. Be willing to extend an invite first, and be willing to do it over and over.
Be approachable and be a good listener. The older I get, the less concerned I am with how others perceive me. While this is a glorious blessing, it’s also something to keep in check. Namely, I must exercise wisdom in sharing my opinions judiciously and respectfully. And while I certainly appreciate the value of open and honest communication, there’s a time and a place for bluntness. Remember, keeping an opinion to yourself doesn’t invalidate it. It shows a measure of maturity and self-awareness to know when it’s worth sharing, especially when you’re at the start of a new friendship.
Don’t assume that a potential friend already has her people. If you feel the Holy Spirit moving you toward a possible friend but are afraid she already has her people, reach out to her anyway. Rejection in any form isn’t fun, I know, but don’t make the decision for her. Whether or not she has the bandwidth for more people, let her make the decision for herself.
Look for friends outside your usual circles. Older folks (sometimes fairly) get accused of being set in their ways, and this can translate into us keeping our potential friend pool too shallow or narrow. There is value in a richly diverse friend group, including folks from different backgrounds, life stages, ethnicities, and ages.
My wise business and life coach, Retha, often repeats a quote of Andy Stanley’s, “Be the person you’re looking for is looking for.” Yes, not every person or friendship we invest in will work out. But let’s not cheat others from the gifts we share by giving up on forming friendships too soon. Perseverance is key — as is heeding instructions found in the book of James that advises we be not hearers who forget but doers who act.
And then, as Scripture promises, we will be blessed in our doing.
Leave a Comment
Madeline says
How timely this is. I moved a couple of months before the pandemic to a new state to be closer to my daughter and at 67 I am trying to make new friends. I have a few where I live (a small 55+ community), but they are most 75 to 80+. They are wonderful but I need to find a few closer to my age and energy! The church I joined is very, very small and still has not rebounded so that hasn’t worked. But I am hopeful. I appreciate your tips especially being approachable. I have a tendency to voice my opinions freely which an aunt of mine told me was part of the joy of getting older. Maybe when I am 80. Thank goodness for texting, phone calls and long letters to maintain the connection with old friends.
Kristen Strong says
Madeline dear, I can tell you have a warm, open, and approachable heart, so I believe it’s only a matter of time before you make those new friends. Praying for that right now. Thanks so much for sharing here!
Kerri says
I have definitely found friendship in this stage of life far more difficult. I miss the deep friendships formed in my formative years, that seemed to be so easy. Thank you for the reminder to be persistent. It’s not always easy, but usually worth it.
Kristen Strong says
Yes–in many ways it seemed easier to get to a deeper level of friendship in my younger years, too. Be that as it may, may you and I keep on keepin’ on as we pursue the friendships today that God has in mind for us!
Catherine says
Thank you so much for this encouragement. Needed it so bad
Catherine
Kristen Strong says
God bless you, Catherine!
Krista C. says
My sweet friend & I were JUST speaking about this yesterday. So timely. Thanks for the encouragement to stay the course in our current & new friendships. They are a gift. This gave me a lot of hope today. Thank you!
Kristen Strong says
Well, I’m glad it’s not just me who’s thought this! And you’re so right–I’m so glad I’ve stayed the course because the friends in my life today make all the hard work worth it.
Thanks so much for sharing here, Krista.
Andrea says
As I launch my last chick from the nest next month, it occurs to me that many of these tips can apply to young women heading to college too and will share with my daughter.
I’ve had to find new friends many times over the years as well and beginning again is never easy. It reminds me to look for those needing a new friend as well.
Thank you for all this, Kristen!
From a fellow transplanted Okie (but a Sooner. Can we still be friends? )
Kristen Strong says
Everything you say here is golden! (Except the Sooner part. 😉 ) I think most of these tips also apply to the young women, too–such a great point you make! I do wonder, when younger gals employ them, if it (generally) leads to success a little more quickly than it does for us older gals? You’ll have to check in and let me know how her freshman year of college goes!
Grateful for you, Andrea! And sending love,
from you (Cowboy) friend Kristen
Leigh Penny says
I enjoyed reading your article. From time to time I think about it that it isn’t as easy to make friends as it was when you’re younger. I also think that time has changed, the culture, that more people seem more private, more guarded than years of yesterday due to what’s happening in our communities. I don’t think it will ever be like before, but regardless we must continue to relentless to be that friend and make new friends.
Kristen Strong says
A lot of what you say here rings true for me too, Leigh. And yes, may we both, as you say, relentlessly be that friend to others! So well said. xo
Gail Noe says
Thank you for sharing. This is a hard place for me. Trusting the Lord who knows who & when I need
Kristen Strong says
Doing the same, Gail ~ trusting the Lord’s plans for us both!
Jennifer Johnson says
I really needed and resonated with this today! Thanks!
Kristen Strong says
I’m so glad, Jennifer. Thank you for your kind presence here!
Nancy Ruegg says
When we moved nearly 1000 miles from our previous home I did wonder about navigating the path toward new friendships at age 66. As you mentioned, most people who’ve lived in their communities awhile have a clutch of friends already established. But after some time and patience, God did provide a small circle of good friends for me and a wider circle of more casual friends. As a retiree, I’m especially surprised by the relationships that are forming with younger women. They seem to appreciate my voice of experience; I appreciate their energy and hunger to grow in Christian maturity. To anyone starting over in new surroundings I’d recommend patience and perseverance. Even Jesus had friends for support, like Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. I am certain he desires the same for each of us.
Kristen Strong says
“Here, here!” to all you’ve shared, Nancy. If Jesus had friends, it’s His desire for us to have friends, too. No one is the exception to that rule.
I also love how you’re seeking friendships outside your age and stage of life. What a gift you must be to those in your circles.
Beth Williams says
Kristen,
It can be hard to make friends at any age. It has taken me 17 years to develop some really awesome fun friendships at church. They are mostly older women, but we have a few things in common. In making friendships I usually take the first step. Just walk over to a newbie at church say hello or talk to co workers & show them I’m interested in them. One more tip that may help is to get involved in church or volunteer groups. I did that with Relay for Life (cancer). Now I have even more friends. Pray & getting out of your comfort zone are the first steps to making lasting friendships.
Blessings 🙂
Kristen Strong says
As usual, Beth, you’re abundantly supportive and helpful with what you share. Thank you ~ love you so!
Katie P says
Wow this was so beautifully written! I’m not even in my 40s yet ,but can relate so much to this! Thank you Kristin for the amazing pep talk we all needed after this desert of a pandemic! I can’t wait to begrudgingly tell my self over the next month reach out to more people, and when I fight it to say…. but Kristin said so!! My favorite line I need on a mug, T-shirt or letter board is “ Remember, keeping an opinion to yourself doesn’t invalidate it.”
❤️
Kristen Strong says
KATIE!! Love seeing your glorious face here. Thanks for the kind words, sweetheart. And if you need me to call you up and remind you of any of this, consider it done. Love you!
Kathie from IL says
I appreciate you words of wisdom on making friends.
I am in a very small church and I purchased some boxes of DaySpring cards when they are on sale. We have a weekly news letter via email and I send a card with notes to folks who need encouragement, praying for you, older folks with birthdays, sympathy, new births, get well, or just a friendly hi. I gotten many positive notes, even parents saying thanks when I sent a card to their adult child who was sick., even some saving and rereading cards.. And when I had my stroke and coma, my husband had open heart surgery, many I sent cards to have supplied us with food, cards and visits. I have broaden my cards to shut ins and average 20-40 cards a month. One is a woman I used to babysit her four children in high school summers. She is in an assisted living place with an attached nursing home where my grandmother was the first resident in the nursing home about 50 years ago. We live in IL and she lives in MN.
I am reaching out to widows because I know at 78 and my husband is 79 I might want their advice when I become a widow.
I love how God has give me a ministry even though I don’t get out much and can’t drive.
I am reading biographies of Christian leaders. I use ThriftBooks for used books. Some are brand new, all have been in pretty good condition. I pass them on after reading them.
God is so good to me.
Andrea says
What a beautiful ministry He has given you! And you found it from within your own home. Thank you for sharing