When I first discovered my husband was having an affair, my whole world quite literally fell apart. I had put my identity in being a good Christian wife, with a good Christian family, sitting in the front row at church and leading a Bible study. I had a formula where A+B=C, as in I am a good girl, so God will bless me and that equals no suffering. But then, suddenly, I wasn’t any of those things anymore. Why would my husband leave if I was good, and why did I need so much help with my children when I was in despair? I’m neither a good wife nor a good mom, so what am I?
To call it a rude awakening is putting it lightly.
It was jolting, and at the time, I wondered why God would allow this to happen to me — His A+ servant doing so much good for Him! I was out there helping people for the Lord, and I didn’t really need that much help myself. I was the one making meals for people and doing the yard cleanups — good thing God was so lucky to have me doing all this work! (I’m being cheeky, and it’s funny now to say these things out loud.)
But this was my awakening, however rude it felt. It was when I finally understood the gospel deep in my bones. Before my husband was even repentant, I felt like God was asking me to forgive him. I wrestled with God a bit on this concept, “He didn’t even say he was sorry. I don’t think he even feels sorry!”
A Scripture passage I had written several months before and never erased glared at me from my chalkboard:
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)
It seemed like God kept asking me more questions, But how did I forgive you?
Romans 5:8 came to mind as an answer, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” That Scripture memorization I dragged my feet on as a teen was popping up at just the right time!
While he was still sinning, God had asked me to mimic the gospel to my husband. It was difficult but supernatural work. I don’t tend to want to forgive those actively sinning against me. I’d actually prefer to take a baseball bat to their windshield or demand that I deserve better. But God showed me that I deserved eternal separation from Him, but He still calls me friend. He calls me daughter and gives me an inheritance even though I chase after other things outside Him to find my identity. The gospel confronted me deeply in those tender moments where God was so near to me.
I can’t begin to tell you all the work God did in my heart during the time my husband and I were separated. We would need 1,000 hours for me to describe it all. But what I can say is that God turned one week into one year with all He did to mend me. I promise you He held the sun from setting just for my heart to supernaturally heal. I came out of that week a forgiving machine, renewed, strong — I had been with God. I forgave the other woman freely. I forgave my husband. I forgave those who knew and didn’t tell me.
It needs to be said that forgiveness is an alone game, but reconciliation is a together game. I worked alone for a long time to get healthy and strong and to believe that no matter what happened in the future, God would take care of me and that He would redeem my situation even though it might not mean staying married. I had to sit in the in-between for many months, and it was extremely uncomfortable to trust that God knew the perfect timing of events to come.
One monotonously normal day when I was standing at the door with a baby on my hip, I saw my husband walking down the street after not speaking to him for several weeks. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He came to the glass door, and I barely cracked it open, as if it were protecting me from further hurt.
“You’re it for me. I don’t deserve to have you back, but you’re all I will pursue for the rest of my life. I will do whatever it takes to come home. If you can forgive me. If you’re willing.”
I cried. Yes, it was what I had hoped for. But “hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12), and my heart had been sick for a while watching my husband choose his sin. But the other part of the verse is this: “but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”
It has not been easy, to say the least, in our long healing journey, but my marriage has been a tree producing a wonderful friendship with my husband and shade for those walking through marital hardship. It has produced two more children and the most delightful fruit in my own heart in knowing God deeply. All because God let me walk through the most terrible and most gorgeous gospel identity awakening of my life.
To Him be the glory.
This stuck out to me => “forgiveness is an alone game.”
What a compelling reminder!
Thank you for sharing, Jami. God bless you and your beautiful family. Love the photo 🙂
that was a tough lesson for me to learn!
Thank you, Jami, for your candidness in relaying your journey. Romans 5:8 has been my “life verse” and it brought tears to my eyes to read it again, through your story. When I think of ALL He’s forgiven me for, it makes it a lot easier to forgive others.
Such a sweet reminder!
I don’t usually leave comments, and this is the first time I’ve even been to the page, but your story touched me deeply. Thank you for your transparency. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re touching hearts.
Well thanks for saying that. It is always encouraging to know that people are blessed by an honest story…They can be hard to talk about inside the christian community.
Jami,
Thank you oh so much for your honest & openness here. It takes courage to tell your story. I know it will help numerous women. I pray Ephesians 4:32 over my husband & I daily. Wanting us to forgive each other as Christ continually forgives us. That can be hard at times, but in light of what Jesus did for us on the cross we must do it. This is so good: forgiveness is an alone game, but reconciliation is a together game. You have to do the hard work of deciding to let go of the past & try again. With God ALL things are possible. So glad you chose forgiveness. Asking God to continue to bless your marriage & family.
Blessings 🙂
you bless me!
I believe vulnerability is one of the most powerful gifts we can give to one another because it shows how God moves powerfully through our pain. Thank you for the gift of your writing.
nothing to prove! it’s freeing.
Thank you its the first time I considered reconciliation but I know God knows what is best. Thank you for your story.
Thank you for your honesty and thought.
Pray that you&family are well and loved by God all the times.
Focus on the Creator and not the creations. Amen.
thanks, friend.
Nice testament! I’m so happy for you that things worked out! Praise God!
it doesn’t always work out this way, but thankful it did!
Thank God… Thank You.. Thank Your Husband. Thank Your Children!
thanks Bill!
I believe that because God gave us free will we will make mistakes in our lives, some more easy to forgive than others. I am thankful for you that you were able to forgive your husband and move on with your lives. I had a friend from school who was not so fortunate in this situation. Be blessed and thank you for sharing this painful story. I also believe that God forgives us more freely than we forgive each other sometimes.
Totally. It doesn’t always turn out this way. But God will redeem it somehow and use it for his glory!
Jami thank you for sharing your difficult season with us, for opening your vulnerable heart and most importantly for showing us the HOPE you found in Christ Jesus our Savior. All things are possible with God!
Truly. I didn’t think it was possible. He is a miracle worker.
Jami,
Just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. Your story is a reminder of how God CAN make beauty from ashes! I pray our Lord continues to keep his hand upon you and your sweet family.
You bless me!
“…and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors…” Thank you for sharing and praising His holy name!
these verses have a whole new meaning for me now!
A painful but invaluable lesson to learn….And so fruit-ful of Peace, almost More for
one’s own peace , than for the one being (fully) forgiven, from the Heart.!
it is such a fruit of the spirit, and not a fruit from me. Thank God!
I think forgiveness is a continuous choice that I have had to do – yes I made a first choice to forgive but sometimes Even 7 years later I just keep having to tell God “yes I forgive him/them”. God has been faithful through it all, giving grace to keep walking the painful road.
I feel this.
Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable in a very painful, hard place. My husband went home to Jesus a year ago and a lot of the grieving has been layers of forgiveness. I did not realize how much the root of rejection in me had caused me not to be what the LORD created me to be. First, I have been repenting for rejecting myself and what He created me to be. This is going into very deep corners of my heart that has been filled with much pain. God is such an amazing Father and is guiding me through this difficult transition of life without my husband, a new life in Christ and a life filled with forgiveness that is still working in me. God bless you abundantly.
I love that you’re leaning into Christ for your true identity while you grieve. He is so near to you!
Forgiving someone while they are still sinning. Never heard it put this way before. But yes, I see the hard reality of this truth. Leaving with this thought.
I wouldn’t say it is my first thought! ha. It was so difficult when I believed I was owed an apology. ugh. so hard.
I never been in your shoes. My Husband I know loves me. I know he never do that to me. Have an affair. As he say keeps saying I love you too much. God put us together. But I know what it does to families. As my Dad did too my late Mum. To watch her in pain it not nice. Having to help my Mum. Was not easy watching her hurt. Broke my heart. Why Dad was my question. Did you do it. You and Mum were so happy 25 years Married. But my Mum picked herself up through time. Enough to speak to my Dad again. Because of her Grandkids. Because she didn’t want them to be hurt that she couldn’t go their Birthday Parties. Especially when my Dad would be there. She my Mum learnt to get to be able to speak to my Dad again. But she never forgot what he done. The rest of her Days on earth. I being the only one saved in my family. Had to do the right thing in God eyes forgive my Dad for his wrong. I found that hard at the beginning. Because I hurt to see my Mum hurt. Which was not nice. When you make your wedding vows. You say until death do us part. But my Dad no. I did through getting pray from my Salvation Army Officer. Was able to forgive my Dad. Go visit him. As today my Mum not here. I miss her loads. I am able. As my Dad is 80. Go help him he not saved. I pray for his Salvation. I do bits and pieces for him and walk his dog. I told him one time. I forgive him for the wrong he has done. What done is done. After my Mum pass away. A year or two later. He looked at me and listen to me. I then said if I not I not be here doing thing for you and helping you in Love because your my Dad and I love you no matter what. I do love my Dad. No matter what wrong he did. It under the blood of Jesus. I will not forget ever. But I go now do the things I do for my Dad. It doesn’t annoy me or hurt me. I can talk to my Dad in love on to Jesus. Know I did what Jesus would want me to do that is forgive him. Not let it eat me up. As if I not. I never be able to talk to my Dad today. The only person that would hurt is me. As my Dad will never do it again. He knows we me and my sisters love him. I do what I do for my Dad unto Jesus. I pray for his Salvation. As I want nothing from him when he leaves earth. Just to know he is saved that is the best present he could ever give me my Dad before he leaves earth. I admire you Jami for sharing your story. You remember you are a beautiful Daughter of the king. That king is Jesus. I had to be told that as well when my Dad did wrong. As I thought I was not his beautiful daughter my mum was not his beautiful wife. My Salvation Army Officer said to me it only matter what Jesus think of you. She told me that I was Daughter of the king. That king is Jesus. I love you all incourage. Bless you all praying for you all. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xx
You know, I had said the same thing. We just never know what we’re capable of. Thankful for God’s mercy.
What a joy to be on the other side and watch your marriage flourish! And what sadness for the world (and my children) if those two extra kids hadn’t been born.
I’ve been in your shoes. Although I prayed for marriage restoration it never happened which was okay. Because I knew how much God loved me and my girls and that we’d make it. My ex-husband who had the affair said he’d never forgive me. Can’t quite understand that. I do like your comment about having to forgive people who knew but didn’t tell you. It amazed me how many of his “colleagues” stood by them knowing he was a married man and cheered them on knowing they were destroying a marriage and family. Forgiveness is an every day process and choice.
Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. We are called to be ministers of reconciliation. With God’s help you were able to do that. I’m grateful for the way it turned out for your family.