The week after the Atlanta massacre, I found myself lying in bed, huddled up in a ball and too nauseous to move. An Asian woman in New York had been attacked, and after a week of nightmares and continuous phone calls mentoring and counseling other Asian Americans who were grieving, this news put me over the edge. I couldn’t eat. I kept feeling like I could throw up at any moment. That’s how visceral my body’s reaction was to the recurring grief and trauma of the hate crimes against my community.
Later that same day I talked with a Latina friend who said she was trying to hold space for the grief of the AAPI community while also struggling with the painful realities at our southern border. In the late hours of the evening, I had a phone call with an African American friend, who immediately broke down because she was hurting for me and the AAPI community and because the Atlanta massacre had triggered memories of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor.
Then more tragedy struck. My phone flashed with a ticker of the Boulder shooting. It was a reminder that in the midst of racial injustice, mundane evil still exists. People online were talking about how life was just continuing with “normal, senseless killings,” and I think at that point everyone I knew was now grieving for one or more tragedies.
That’s the thing about life. Even in the midst of racial violence and unrest, everyday pains persist — kids struggle with mental health and the strains of virtual school; elderly parents are sick; we are wracked with worry over financial constraints and job instabilities; some of our marriages are not okay; loneliness due to quarantine has become unbearable.
We’re all hurting in different ways, and we need to make space for each other’s pains.
I’ll admit, it was hard to hear whispers in the wake of the Atlanta massacre that Asian Americans were taking up too much space — that somehow we should stop talking about our pain and be more mindful that other communities are carrying grief right now too. But that’s not the only example of grief comparison I’ve seen. People of all different cultures and ethnicities can fall into the trap of comparing each other’s histories of oppression. We can all be insensitive to the grief of others, especially when we deem their pain as less than our own.
However, if we try to compete and act as gatekeepers of who can grieve and for how long, we will stay divided forever. If we begin creating parameters about which person or group has suffered more than another person or group, we will become tunnel-visioned and hard-hearted to each other’s pains. We should never tell someone to silence their pain so we can process our own more fully. Nor should we try to silence someone’s grieving by telling them there are worse tragedies in the world.
We need to find a way for all of us to grieve together side by side.
In Romans 12:15, the Apostle Paul says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Paul doesn’t say you’re only allowed to mourn as long as your grieving doesn’t interfere with other people’s grief. We’re just simply called to mourn. As followers of Jesus, we are given permission to make space for our own grief and the grief of others.
We need to be able to say to each other, “My grief is different from yours, and I will not compare the two.”
The reality is I am a unique individual, therefore my grief is unique to me. You are a unique individual and your grief is unique to you. You may have been bullied in high school because of a physical handicap. I was bullied in high school because of the color of my skin. Can we make space for the pains of racism and ableism as both real, equal, and yet very different?
When I was on the phone earlier with my African American friend, we were both in tears. I knew she was hurting. She knew I was hurting. In the midst of us both carrying so much grief, all we could do was make space to hear how each other was doing and say, “I’m so sorry. I’m hurting with you.” It wasn’t a long conversation. Stringing a lot of words together would have required more emotional energy than either of us had. But presence, connection, and brief verbal affirmations spoke volumes.
When we fight against comparisons, grief can actually become something that binds us together as humans. These deep pains of life are something we all experience in different ways, and the more we recognize this, the more we can give honor to each other’s lives and dignity.
Elizabeth says
I loved this: “We need to be able to say to each other, ‘My grief is different from yours, and I will not compare the two.'” Each of us has experienced some trial/grief in life and we cannot begin to know the challenges of each other. It is not fair/right to say one is worse than the other because how can we truly know. However, as a community of sisters, we can lift each other up, acknowledge the pain as real and pray for peace, comfort, and meaningful societal change.
Michelle Reyes says
Amen, Elizabeth! Let’s keep lifting each other up, acknowledging the pain as real and praying for peace, comfort, and meaningful societal change. This is what it means for us to be sisters of courage!
Ann Woleben says
Beautifully expressed~I pray daily for peace in our world. It is beyond hurtful that we are not following God’s commandment to love one another.
Michelle Reyes says
This is something we should all be praying for! I love how you share that making space for grief is an extension of loving one another. Well said!
Madeline says
It spoke to my heart. Grief is hard enough to deal with but to not be able to share and be understood adds another layer of pain. As a teenager, my daughter had a homework assignment which asked one thing you learned when you were little. She said, in pre-school she learned “just be nice”. Didn’t Jesus tell us to be like little children?
Michelle Reyes says
I love how much we can learn from our kids! What a beautiful reflection. I also agree that not being understood in our grief adds another layer of pain. Even if we don’t understand what someone else is going through, we can still say, “your grief is welcome here. I care and I’m here.”
Tamara says
Michelle – this is soo beautiful. Soo MUCH sorrow, grief and pain in this world right now. so much…. and yes to give each other the love, space, time to grieve showing love, compassion and empathy allowing them to process, work through, heal. Humbling our hearts to be like Jesus, serving others with love, grace and mercy and offering up the hope, healing, peace and joy we can only find in The ONE, Jesus our Lord and Savior! To Him be the glory !!!
Michelle Reyes says
Thank you for this good word, Tamara. It’s hard to think outside of our own grief and pain. I know that to be true in my own life. But Christ also gives us the capacity to serve and love in the midst of grief. I love that.
Michelle says
Thanks Tam
Penny says
Beautifully expressed, thank-you Michelle…..
Blessing to all,
Penny
Michelle Reyes says
Thank you, Penny!
Kathy Francescon says
Amen to this post! I wish it were in my power to gather the whole world up in a comforting and loving hug…but that power belongs only to God and one day He will do just that! And oh how I look forward to being with everyone where no one will ever hate, or have to hurt ever again. Please God, come soon. I hurt so bad for all of us. We are all God’s children and we are all grieving…bless you dear friends and sisters in Christ.
Jill Richardson says
I love this Michelle, and I am so sorry for your pain. I’ve often felt the same–why do we have to compete to see who hurts the most? This is not a contest. It’s a fight against injustice and wrong that we need to be arm in arm for. Great words.
Michelle Reyes says
Amen! Grieving is an opportunity for solidarity and being “arm in arm,” as you so nicely put it.
Beth Williams says
Michelle,
You said it best “we are all unique individuals”. Each person grieves differently. There is no one way or time limit on grief. If we are to love like Jesus did then we need to allow everyone proper time to release the sorrow within us. While I have never been through what many are dealing with I am grieving the loss of the America of the past. When there was much less civil unrest & more of God in our world. I heartily believe we need a revival in our country. Praying for ALL races. Asking God to end this civil unrest & bring about a peace that only He can give us.
Blessings 🙂
Carrie says
Thank you, Beth! Prayers are much needed for the state of Minnesota after the incident of Daunte Wright due to protests and unrest. We have state of emergency and a curfew that is still going on. Prayers are appreciated as I believe in the power of prayers (but also to include people’s heart to change = NOT to jump into assumptions too quickly). We are all grieving differently, especially that America is losing it. We do definitely need a revival in this country or God will have to say ¡No Más! Thank you.
Michelle Reyes says
I think it’s so important for us to understand that we all grieve differently. Such a good reminder. I too am praying for God to end this civil unrest & bring about a peace that only He can give us.
Patricia Raybon says
Needed this so much today , Michelle. Thank you! Love you!
Michelle Reyes says
So grateful for you, Patricia!
Aliza Latta says
Beautiful and so needed, Michelle.
Michelle Reyes says
Thank you, Aliza.
Nancy Ruegg says
I too am grieving for our nation, and especially those impacted by the hate-filled acts taking place in our cities. With you, Michelle, I think there’s much comfort in just the words, “I’m so sorry. I’m hurting with you.” And you are so right: presence, connection, and brief verbal affirmations speak volumes. I’ve experienced that too. May we reach out to support one another in these ways, just as you’ve presented!
Olivia says
Thank you!
Francee Strain says
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Gal. 6:2 NKJV)
Lifting you in prayer and sending a hug.
Margaret P. says
Thank you for sharing this much needed and healing message. Please consider making an audio book in the near future for those of us who have difficulty reading much. Great wisdom in your message! May God bless you as you continue to hear Him and share it with others.