When darkness tries to roll over my bones
When sorrow comes to steal the joy I own
When brokenness and pain is all I know
I won’t be shaken, no, I won’t be shaken
“Stand in Your Love” by Josh Baldwin
I sang along to the worship song, not mindlessly but not completely focused either. Suddenly, tears began running down my face, and my brain registered the words my heart was already wrestling. Watching the first online church service of the year, I remembered something that hadn’t made my best-of list for the previous year, my Christmas letter, or my annual photobook for the grandparents.
Like everyone, I’d spent the past few weeks reflecting on one of the most difficult years, searching for any highlights and favorites, blessings and gratitude. Never one to pretend that life is perfect, I’m usually quick to acknowledge the struggles I’m facing. (Like the year that my daughter broke her leg and spent nearly ten months in some form of a cast? Incredibly difficult, which I told every single person who asked and many who didn’t.) But who wants to hear about the year that my faith was, in fact, deeply shaken?
You can search every shelf, but you won’t find a card that shouts, “Joy to the Lord! This year I doubted God!”
The truth of 2020 for me was that for one of the first times in my life, I questioned God’s goodness. I questioned His sovereignty. I questioned my own adherence to beliefs that weren’t doing a thing in the face of a particular grief.
I also published two books! Took a spontaneous road trip with my husband and kids! Survived working at home while also helping my kids do school at home!
How could all of that be true at the same time? In the same year? How could a big, wonderful, beautiful year also contain some serious anguish and doubt that shook me to my core? How could one small season hold the weight of enormous blessings and crushing burdens?
I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I know it’s true. Last year was ugly and beautiful, disappointing and delightful, and surprising in the best and worst ways. All of the amazing things that happened aren’t less true or less valuable because of my struggle. And the fact that I wrestled with my faith in a new and painful way wasn’t reduced by the fact that I experienced a lot of joy. Our lives are full of both joy and pain — often at the very same time. And that’s okay. We can acknowledge both. We can hold both.
And we can worship God through both.
I’m thankful that song reminded me of the hard parts of last year, because in my efforts to choose joy and focus on the positive through the holidays and my year-end reflections, I’d left out half the story. The good parts of the year are actually richer because of the thread of pain and doubt and struggle that winds through the weeks and months. Only by seeing the good and the hard intertwined and overlapping do I see how faithful God has been to me.
He’s not just here when I’m happy. He’s not just here when I’m grateful. He’s not just here when I’m rock solid, believing with all my heart. He’s here, always, no matter what. He’s here no matter how much my circumstances, my life, my heart change. He’s here, and He never changes.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
Hebrews 13:8 (CSB)
Last year was a lot, and the Lord was there for every good, bad, and in-between bit of it. And I won’t forget it.
How was God faithful to you last year?
Leave a Comment
As a single momma, the isolation of the year while working from home and wrangling a toddler was challenging. I’m grateful that my daughter and I had that extra time together since her preschool was closed and the Lord continued to provide.
That definitely sounds challenging! But I love how you’re also thankful for the extra time together. I’ve tried to focus on that, with my kids, as well.
YES! He is always faithful! The year of 2020 brought great challenges! Our home was a B&B… a dream we had for years! My hubby & I loved serving people & even ministering to them. It was a dream that lasted only 6 years, BUT… God already knew all about that too! He showed Himself faithful by selling our big beautiful home quickly (especially in a pandemic). He has given us a new home that needs lots of tlc, BUT… He will show Himself faithful through this too! There are always parts of our story we would choose to leave out, BUT… God is still finishing what He started!
I love all the ways you’re seeing God show up in your life! Thank you for sharing this with us!
My faith continues to be tested as I watch the number of deaths reach 412,000+ plus. And I listen to people justify not wearing masks, social distancing because they believe God will keep them safe. I have been terrified this whole time for myself and my family and that is when my doubts creep in. I didn’t rely on God to keep me safe but rather the brain God gave me to understand the importance of doing what the experts were saying so I mask up, keep my distance. And then I watch as the vaccine is on it’s way and thank God for the inspiration to scientist, doctors and researchers and my faith is restored. I have to remember God is always working behind the scenes. I know i need to work on being stronger in my faith and therein lies my challenge.
It’s been hard, hasn’t it? But what you said is so very true: even when we can’t see it, God is still at work on our behalf! Praying He gives you peace and confidence in Him today.
Mary, thank goodness God IS there for every moment. And He’s faithful, even when we question…I’m thankful He’s there in the joy and the pain. I found myself grappling with some things He’s allowed in the past year or so. I think I try to understand our Father and His whys. Only sometimes, we’re not meant to understand. We’re meant to rest in Him and seek Him more deeply. Sometimes, there are no answers. But there is a loving Father who walks with us through the hard seasons.
Oh, I am with you. Not understanding is so hard! But yes, I’m also so thankful He is faithful, even when we question.
Yes! I so needed to hear this today – that God is God of it ALL. This last year I looked back and saw God’s faithfulness in the midst of hard times but that doesn’t negate the difficulties of those hard times. Thank you for the reminder that God intends us to bring it ALL before Him. In my daily Prayer of Examen spiritual practice I often end with this sentence: “Thanks God for being there with me through it all – the good and the hard times” and then I add 3 things I am thankful for from the last 24 hrs. Your post tied that all together for me and solidified the importance of inviting and seeing God in it ALL! Thank you.
That is such a life-giving daily practice. Thank you for sharing it with us here. And yes, you’re right. We don’t have to ignore the hard parts of life, but instead look for all the ways we say God in them.
Mary, what a wonderful description of your year! Thank you!
Oh! thank you for sharing this because I’ve had a similar experience. The pledge I made to myself and to God is that I won’t quit no matter what because He won’t ever quit on me.
Amen. May He give you the strength you need to fulfill that pledge!
Mary, thank you for the reminder. Yes, He is with us through the good times and the bad. He promises to never leave us.
God is helping me to remember just how much He loves me. I was often feeling like I had to earn His love. But God is showing me that I and all of us are loved unconditionally by God because He is love. He is working all things out for our good, even in the hard moments. Amen. ❤️ Thank you for sharing, Mary ❤️
Thank you, Mary, for expressing what I am sure many felt this past year – a year that tested my faith to learn to trust God not only in the good times but the sad, bad and difficult times too. He is always working….
I say yes, my LORD, to all the good times and all the bad times, I say yes, my LORD, to every word You speak. Song that was sung in Catholic Church I used to attend. No matter what, God will always be with us!
Carrie, those lyrics are beautiful – and true! Thank you for sharing them here.
Mary,
Every year has its ups & downs. 2020 was jus2t more turbulent than most. We had the pandemic, people furloughed, civil unrest & election bruhaha. In the midst of all that there were some good things also. Families stayed home & communicated. Life moved at a slower pace. There was more time for Bible study & prayer. Locally churches put together big snack baskets for hospital break rooms, put stockings together for hospital workers. I believe there were more prayers sent up last year than most recent years. Hubby & I were blessed to keep our jobs (hospital). Something that hit me: Psalm 23:4-5 Yea though I walk Through the valley of shadow of death, I will fear NO evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod & staff they comfort me. God was/is there all the time.
Blessings 🙂
I’ve been thinking a lot about how much more I’ve prayed in this difficult season (and in other, past difficult seasons). I can’t see that as a bad thing at all! Thankful God gives us the gift of seeing the joy alongside the pain. And thankful to hear that you and your husband kept working all year, too!
What a wonderful post! Thank you for reminding me that God is ALWAYS there. There were times last year and this year where I seem to forget this- especially during some tough times. May God bless you and your family!
“Only by seeing the good and the hard intertwined and overlapping do I see how faithful God has been to me.” YES! That truth describes our faith journey. As I continue struggling with chronic pain and fatigue while serving the Lord with my service dog, Callie, I have been learning to embrace each moment as a necessary part of God’s plan, a reminder of my complete dependence on His unchanging character and infallible Word. Thanks for your transparency, Sister. This article refreshed my spirit as I recover from a few tough days of pain and fatigue. But through each moment of those days, God blessed me with sweet encounters with His grace and empowered me to finish a writing project I’d been praying over for a year. Hallelujah! Only God!
Praise God for the ways you’ve seen Him working even in your pain! He IS faithful, and He IS with you! Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with us today. Praying God gives you strength and peace.