I let my kids see me cry.
It happened again on one of our daily family walks during the fourth week of quarantine. In these confining times, fresh air and moving our bodies is one way we keep tethering ourselves to hope and the gift of each other. My husband and I walked ahead as our three sons trailed behind us finding the best sticks and planning their next Minecraft building adventure.
The sky was a breathtaking blue. Glorious white cumulous clouds puffed in happy bunches above. I smiled at my boys’ cheerful chatting, yet my heart ached with each step. Tears lingered at the edges.
We passed a house with a gorgeous Japanese maple. Her delicate crimson leaves are my favorite. My husband talked about the workbench he was building and when we might get our stimulus check. The air was perfectly crisp and clean. But it was hard for me to breathe.
Finally, I softly spoke aloud what my body was screaming.
“My anxiety is flaring up again. It’s actually been pretty awful for the past week. I’m constantly on the verge of crying. I could unravel at any moment.” Saying it opened the dam. The tears fell fast.
“Even in moments like this where I’m happy to be with the family and grateful for the beauty around us, there’s this weight I can’t shake. I hate feeling like this.”
My husband just listened, as he usually does when I talk about feelings and experiences he can’t relate to.
We walked along the upper fence line that borders the local middle school. I gazed out on the track, smoother from fewer feet treading it, the inner grass greener than the days my oldest boy played soccer on it. Beyond the track sat the Little League baseball fields. Freshly raked dirt, untouched. Carefully groomed greens now growing longer. My boys should be swinging their hearts out at home plate. I should be sitting in those metal stands cheering and eating Red Vines.
I close my eyes and pretend to smell the famous thick-cut French fries in the snack shack window. I imagine the crack of the bat and kids chanting in the dugout.
I let the tears keep falling.
The boys catch up to us. Playing their favorite game of stepping only on the cracks, they weave in and out of us on their imperfect path. Elias, nine, catches my hand, gives it a squeeze before bounding to the next crack. Noah, eleven, noticed my tears. “What’s wrong, Mom?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. I just have a lot of feelings right now. I guess I’m crying because I’m really grateful for our family, yet I’m also really sad for all the hard things going on in this world. I don’t know. My anxiety is back and it’s just a bunch of different things I can’t really explain.”
Jude, my seven-year-old, came up and wrapped his little arm around my back.
“It’s okay, Mom. You’re just really emotional. I get that way sometimes too. Sometimes I need to cry even if I don’t know why. I’ll just walk with you, okay?”
“Okay,” I said. “I would like that.” Then more tears fell. My aching heart was full of more love than sorrow. Or perhaps the added love made space for the sorrow to be seen, to breathe.
Jude and I walked arms wrapped around each other for quite a while. He gently rubbed my back and asked what we would have for lunch and if I wanted to take a nap. “You can sleep with Gray Bear if you want to.” Gray Bear is my stuffy-loving boy’s favorite friend.
This precious moment made my heart nearly burst. And I nearly missed it.
It’s not easy to be vulnerable in front of anyone, including our children. I’m prone to stuff the feelings I can’t name or explain. Plus, I want to be strong for my family and friends — a reliable source of support, a rock they can lean on. And if I’m really honest, I’m also afraid of how my un-fine places will be received. Will someone be okay to just be with me?
Without realizing it, I can build the same well-meaning walls and hold onto the same fears with God. I don’t always want Him to see my tangled feelings, anxiety, and overwhelm. But the truth is He already sees it all — and He loves me through it.
The day after my tearful walk I woke up early and put pen to paper. I journal-prayed every thought and emotion. I asked God to meet me in the unraveling of my knotted mind and heart. I told God how I really felt. No filters. And He met me there.
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8 (NIV)
If you’re feeling tangled or weepy today . . .
If anxiety is thrumming in your chest or fear is knotting up your neck . . .
I encourage you to tell someone. If there’s a hand you can grab, grab it. If there’s a shoulder you can cry on, lean in. But mostly? Mostly tell God how you really feel. Let Him carry the weight of your burden. Let Him catch your falling tears. When we take our struggles out of the darkness of isolation, the Light comes in.
If you need more reminders that God sees you and is with you in the thick of it, sign up for Becky’s brand new, free 5-day Devotional from YouVersion. Click here to get started! Or open your Bible App and search “No Better Mom” in the Reading Plans.
The truth is God already sees all my tangled feelings, anxiety, and overwhelm — and He loves me through it. -@BeckyKeife: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Thank you, Becky, for sharing this. It was just what my heart needed to hear. I struggle with letting people (especially my little people) know when “I’m not okay…” It is great encouragement to be reminded of the need to be vulnerable and let them know we too, have our moments of fear, anxiety and rough feelings. And the wonderful blessing of allowing those we love so much to minister kindness to us in our time of need!
I’m so glad this was timely for you, Shelly. It’s never easy to be vulnerable, but I think it’s brave–the kind of courage in Christ I want to model for my kids. Cheering you on as you do, too.
Thank you for making me feel like a normal human being. So often when I feel anxious I think something is wrong with me. Most people don’t talk about real feelings. My husband listens, but he can’t really relate. It can be a lonely place when I’m in going through a anxious time. Thank you for sharing your heart. I’m feeling normal. ❤️
Yes, it can be so lonely. But you’re not alone. Much love to you today, Rita.
Bless you for sharing your feelings and for making yourself and readers like me feel stronger – just knowing that God is there to listen.
I’m grateful, Ann. I feel al little stronger for the reminder today too.
I think your write up really says how most people feel in these long days of uncertainty. the news day after day is beyond heart breaking and it wears on us all, not to mention our personal things going on.
God loves it when we release..cry it out..yell it out..simply release to him. he knows our strength and knows we were never built for this much burden day after day.
I think only in our finest moments of tears and being honest with God is when he steps in and heals our hearts..
So beautifully said, Krissy. Thank you.
Amen! I needed this so much today. Thank you for being real. I’m praying for healing and strength for myself and for everyone who struggles with anxiety and fear right now. “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1
What powerful truth to cling to! Amen. Praying with you, Janine. xx
Thank you so much Becky. I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto or how tangled my feeling were until I began reading your post. I only made it halfway when my emotions unraveled. I don’t have nor have I ever had that special someone or little ones who will come alongside and simply listen or wrap me in a hug. But, the truth of your words and the truth of who He is penetrated and in the unraveling I felt God come alongside of me, wrap me in His arms, and listen. Thank you for pointing us back to Jesus; reminding us He knows our anxious thoughts, everything we may be wrestling with, and He’s there in the midst of it all holding us close.
Yes, He is holding you. So grateful you felt that today, Kimberley!
I lovd you sharing Becky. You normalise the reaction to the space we find ourselves in. Anxiety a long term sufferer or reactionary! God loves us in it, through it and on the other side, it’s sometimes hard but I’m trying to lean in to Him.
Trying to lean into Him, too. Thanks, Jas.
I love this! At times, my anxiety flares up and it’s like an explosion of everything that’s been building up over time. Fortunately, i have a husband who just let’s me without asking what he can do. Nobody can really do anything. I think I just try and do things in my own strength that I really have no control over too. I appreciate your thoughts and letting others know they are not the only ones. Thank you, Becky.
I’m with you, Betty. I’m continually learning how to stop doing things in my own strength and start with God’s. I’m so grateful He is loving and patient because apparently I’m a slow learner. xx
God is our refuse ever present help in times of trouble. It is Good to cry. Did you know God carrys all our tears in a bottle Becky and he is close with us every moment. Even if we don’t feel he is there. Even if we don’t want our Husbands or thoes nearest or dearest to us. Because we don’t want to bother them with how we feel. Or sometime they try to understand they just can’t they only get it in the way it seems. It is good to cry. I don’t have kids. But it is good to not hide how you feel from your kids or any family as they do care. Maybe it might help to talk to trusted Christian Counselor out side the Family how you feel. Or good Friend. As no matter how you feel. You tell family they might still not get where you coming from. They especially if not saved. Might say now where is God you so belive in. If he is that good as you say he is. You would not be feeling the way you feel. They them could say. Well glad I not a follower of this Jesus you follow. But if they do don’t let that put your feeling even further down. As you still serve a big mighty God. They just don’t see it because they are not saved. Close your ears to all they say like that. Go pray to God trust the Promises in his word the Bible. Stand on them if you can and have the strength too. Ask God what to do. Ask God do you need to speak to a trusted Christian Counselor or just a good Christian Friend. God through the Holy Spirit will speak too you telling you who to go to. Who will not tell anyone else all. When you tell them only give you the best advice. God tells them through the Holy Spirit what to say to you to. Too help you and pray with you. So as you get to be a brand new person. Get over this feeling of what you are going through get the help you need. Yes it take time. I been there. I got the help. I am the better person today. I talked it out. God showed me who through the Holy Spirit who too go to. I opened up. It was worth it. A big weight was lifted of me. I am now a new creation Love today reading. Xxxx
Yes, I love that image of God carrying our tears in a bottle. He is so tender, so worthy of our trust.
Thank you, Becky! What a sweet story. Certainly “the good stuff” during this challenging time.
I appreciate you reading today, Irene.
What a beautiful story. This past week I have been feeling anxious also. I keep reminding myself God is with us and He understands how we feel even when we can’t put it into words. He’s holding us through it, just like your sweet boy held you! Thank you so much for sharing. ❤️
He is holding us through it. Yes, Stephanie! I’m so grateful for that truth.
Becky,
Bless you for sharing your raw open honest thoughts. Women tend to want to stuff their feelings down. That is not a good thing. We need to be vulnerable. Go ahead cry your eyes out. Tell family how you feel. This pandemic has everyone on edge. Our routines are being disrupted. We are asked to do more like become teachers, work from home, hunter/gatherers, etc. Children have lost school, friends, sports, dance, etc. Everyone being cooped up together for long periods is hard. Children want to go out & play with friends. You want to know where the money is coming for the bills & be able to go to church again. We’ve never lived through anything like this before. It can be scary. Sometimes you need to just have a good cry. It is cathartic. Like you said God already knows how you feel. He knows your anxious, worried thoughts. He understands & wants to give you His perfect peace. Go for it. Tell God exactly how you feel. Let it all out. You will feel much better in the end.
Blessings 🙂
Thank you for your warm encouragement, Beth. It’s so good to know this is a safe place.
I too suffer with anxiety and mine really kicked it when our state mandated that we have to wear a mask or other face covering when we shop. I have been using a scarf and was concerned about being able to breathe when my face is covered. I am not just in charge of purchasing items for my household but also for an elderly relative who has been housebound for several weeks now. Thanking God that I have been able to successfully shop (and breathe) with my face covering; thankful that I got a huge package of my favorite brand of toilet paper recently and even thankful that I got through the month of April. Also for the times God lightens my spirits and makes me optimistic that we will get through this! And, also, that all our bills are being paid!
Always reasons to give thanks even in the midst of the hard, right? Love reading this glimpse into your praises today, Carol.
First & foremost, thank U Becky for giving voice to the inner words, emotions I’ve been having. In my brain I was unable to articulate, to God, what I was feeling. It ran the gamut of “snap out of it” to “you’re using this as a pitty-party to avoid being responsible”. By reading your post & kimberley’s comments, the Lord drew near & lifted my seemingly self contained burden. ALL who call on the LORD will never be discarded, discouraged or disappointed. God’s richest blessing to all!!
Oh, Sherill, I’m so grateful this post was timely for you and God met you through it!
Thank you for sharing, Becky! I have such similar thoughts in my mind that it was like you were in my brain. I’ve also said the same words you said when walking with my husband. For me, just finally getting it out in the open and saying it helps me start to heal. It can be frustrating when we don’t have the exact answers for our anxiety but I just keep on clinging to God.
Just keep clinging to God. Yes. Thank you, Melissa. It’s so good to know we’re not alone.
Oh, Becky! This touched me so deeply. I have struggled with anxiety my entire life and am so grateful for the presence of Jesus in my life. Thank you for your honesty and sharing with us the hope of Christ in us and with us!
Renee, I’m so grateful this was meaningful to you. Oh, how we all need Jesus!
Hi Becky,
Thanks for being so open and honest. I can relate to the feelings, emotions you describe.
Peace and Blessings to you!
Tonya
Thank you, Tonya!
My relationship with God deepened when I let Him see the real me. My humility and willingness to be vulnerable took us to a different level. I shared more of my pain and received more of His love. He was never holding back from me, instead, pretend me was keeping me from experiencing Him and letting Him experience me.
Nancy, this is so beautifully said. He was never holding back. Yes!
~~Thank you~~what a gift to us all.
You’re so welcome, Julie! I’m glad you’re here.
Oh my goodness, I thought it was just me. Thank you!
Not just you, Lisa! 🙂 Glad to know this resonated.
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably! I think we can all relate to this right now, some of us more so than others. We just have to keep believing that God is still in control, but it IS okay to not be okay. He is our ONLY source of true peace when anxiety rears it’s ugly head. Praying for you and all of us to NEVER FORGET that!
Blessings,
M @ In Beautiful Chaos
God alone is our unwavering source of peace. Yes. Thank you, M.
Thank you for sharing. You are not alone in feeling tangled. I believe we are all feeling it. I have been amazed by all the little things that God is showing me right now. We have slowed down so many distractions that I think we are even more aware. Every time I go on a walk I feel His presence so tangibly in all I can see, smell, hear, and feel. I have praised and felt my heart bursting with love. Sometimes, I cry and feel glum. Sometimes I’m anxious. And some days, all of the emotions are tangled together and happening at the same time. Allowing us all these emotions is His way to help us untangle and release those burdens to Him. Thank you for putting words to exactly how I was feeling.
Gretchen, I’m so glad this post resonated with you. And I love that you are becoming increasingly aware of God’s presence, the impression of His fingerprints in your life and all around you. I want to pay close attention to Him in this time too. xx
Thank you, Becky, for being so honest and open with your family and with us.
Many years ago, during my first depressive episode, the middle part of Psalm 62:8, “pour out your hearts to him,” became very special to me. In the five years since receiving Christ, I hadn’t learned that I was actually allowed to do that. But it helped a lot.
Reading the verse again recently, the first few words jumped out at me: “Trust in him at all times.” We’re told to both trust Him and pour out our hearts to Him. In the same verse.
How does this work? The Holy Spirit helped me to understand that there can be no intimacy with God unless there is both trusting and pouring out our hearts. On the one hand, we will not open up in complete honesty with Him unless we trust Him. On the other hand, our trust grows as we express our emotions more honestly and openly—and He loves us through it.
And when we do both, we experience the truth of the last part of the verse: “God is our refuge.” We see more clearly how He protects and nourishes us. (Adapted from my blog at https://thosewhoweep.blogspot.com/2018/10/pour-out-your-hearts.html.)
Thank you for sharing what so many of us are feeling.
Ann
Beautiful words, Ann. I love how Scripture is alive and active — God revealing exactly what our hearts need to learn (and re-learn) for such a time as this.
Sending you love and healing Becky. I know somewhat about this anxiety, although I haven’t been confirmed or diagnosed with this. On the outside, our lives looks perfect and those who haven’t experienced this doesn’t see why we are the way we are and we are made to feel like it’s our fault or that we are ungrateful. The truth is that this anxiety comes without prior warning and we are left to feel helpless but God sees you and he is walking right there beside you every second fighting this battle with you. Never forget how much you are loved.. Thank you for sharing this. I know it was very courageous of you to do so.