During my son’s senior year of high school, he and a few of his friends had a rather telling conversation with their choir teacher, one my son later relayed to me. In the course of their chat after class, someone asked this teacher – who is young, smart, and beloved by students and parents alike – what she thought was the biggest problem she sees in teens these days. According to my kiddo, she didn’t sit on the question too long.
“From my vantage point,” she said, “It seems many parents want to be their kid’s friend instead of their parent. That’s the biggest problem I see.”
I don’t hang out with a hundred different teens every day as she does, but I’ve hung out with enough to know she makes an accurate point. When parents want to be their child’s buddy, it’s easier to overlook things. It’s easier to enable their kids to make unhealthy choices. It’s easier to look the other way rather than insist they take responsibility for their actions. There are fewer boundaries, so kids think they belong wherever they feel like belonging that day.
“Yeah,” piped up my James after her remark. “Well, my mom doesn’t really have that problem!”
When he retold the story to me, I about choked and spit out my chai latte. But I couldn’t deny that it’s true – now. It didn’t necessarily used to be.
To be perfectly honest, I’m hesitant to write about parenting these days because the older I get, the less I realize I know. The older I get, the older my kids get and rightfully desire their privacy. Also, I never want to give the impression I’m an expert in this area. But having been a parent for over twenty years now, I have learned a thing or two. One of the things I’ve learned is how much my kiddos need to know they belong according to God’s truth and within our family. And through the years, boundaries have helped affirm this for them.
I’m generally not afraid to discipline my kiddos, and I don’t much care about them getting mad at me. However, I care very much about having a good relationship with them. Oh yes, ma’am. And as I’ve been intentional about not overlooking a lot of behavior in them that needs addressed, especially when they were wee-watts, my older kids and I have developed a very friend-like relationship. Oh, rest assured I can still ruffle their feathers, and I realize that the way things are today may not be the way they are tomorrow. But we know we belong with each other, in part due to their dad and I insisting on behavior that reflected boundaries.
The fact that one of my offspring (who shall remain nameless) learned to respect boundaries is a Christmas miracle itself because that strong-willed child saw every one of them as an opportunity to push the limits. During his little years, he plumb wore me out as he didn’t take well “to being bossed.” And as tired as I would get trying to stay on top of that, I knew that it would be worse if I didn’t. I could either pay then and do the work that would try the patience of Maria von Trapp or pay later with an older kid who hadn’t learned to behave within boundaries. Because make no mistake: the bigger the kid, the bigger the consequences to their poor choices.
At the risk of you thinking I stayed on top of everything all the time, please know I certainly didn’t, not by a long shot. Sometimes, I checked out and didn’t take advantage of a teaching opportunity. Sometimes, I was too tired to put in the effort to correct the same thing for the thousandth time. But the good news is that while we may miss those teaching opportunities at one stop on the road, that doesn’t mean we have to miss them at a later one. One way God’s redemption shows up for us is to give us the ability to positively affect our kids’ character formation at multiple stops along the way. It’s never too late to start.
My counselor, Gwen, told me about a study that looked at how children behaved on school playgrounds with fences around them and how they behaved on playgrounds without fences. The study found that on those school playgrounds without fences, the children didn’t stray too far from their teacher. However, on the school playgrounds with fences, the kids ran all over the place, exploring every inch the playground had to offer.
Boundaries give freedom and help relationships last for the long haul.
Boundaries show love and feed our sense of belonging.
Let’s have the courage and strength to use boundaries to love our kids well. We may not be our kid’s best buddy, but boundaries really are their friends – and ours, too.
[bctt tweet=”Boundaries show love and feed our sense of belonging. #parenting #boundaries -@Kristen_Strong:” username=”incourage”]
Leave a Comment
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Kristen,
God gives His children (us) boundaries because He loves us…not to spoil our fun, but to enhance it. It’s like He’s drawn this whole big picture of a world and has outlined it with bold black lines. He says, “Go anywhere within these boundaries; color it however you’d like to color it, but just stay inside the lines. Like you, I had kids that often tried to push the envelope and color outside the lines, and, yes there were many times I caved out of exhaustion, stress, or both. If your child says, “I hate you,” at some point, it probably means you are doing a good job. My daughter used to stomp up the stairs and slam her bedroom door all the time while telling me what a mean mother I was. I took her door off its hinges for awhile. The problem soon corrected itself. We can’t be our kids’ friends. They have friends. We need to be their parent. Excellent post, Kristen.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Cheryl says
I am laughing so hard Bev… taking the door off…you and I must be soulmates… my daughter drove me crazy…when we get to Heaven let’s meet for coffee and share stories… bring the Kleenex box….we will laugh so hard.
Great post today Kirsten. ❤️ I am definitely seeing parents today being friends instead. Sad.
Kristen Strong says
Thank you Cheryl–I might have to get in on that coffee date. 🙂
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Cheryl,
It’s a coffee date in Paradise! I just got so sick of the stomp, stomp, stomp, SLAM! With a pesky younger brother, she hated not having a door lol. Sometimes you just have to out-fox them !!
Blessings,
Bev <3
Jas says
I love that idea of a coffee date in heaven!! When for those of us on the other side of the world from you guys will get to meet
Kristen Strong says
Won’t that be just the best?!
Kristen Strong says
Bev, I’m laughing so hard at the door off its hinges. BRILLIANT.
Thank you for your comment here–such a treasure for those of us coming up behind you!
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Kristen,
You’re in on the coffee date with Cheryl!
I had a few brilliant moments as a parent, and I think the “door off the hinges” was one of them LOL!
((Hugs))
Bev
Jas says
Love this and so very true!
Kristen Strong says
Thank you, Jas. xo
Krissy says
good stuff. I’m a mom for 26 years.. I am in a strong relationship with each of my children , we can share without criticism or feeling awkward and we are close but they know the lines and boundaries.
mom is to be respected and honored as a parent. I would say I have a close friendship with each child but honoring God is also honoring your parents a truth we have always made clear. so bad attitudes etc don’t get over looked but brought up and dealt with .
. each family walks their journey abit differently but I do know being close with your kids in the good times certainly helps in the bad times as long as the respect is there they will be good kids.
Kristen Strong says
Hearty applause for all you shared here, Krissy. Thank you so much!
BRENDA KOINIS says
Well said!
Kristen Strong says
Thank you, Brenda. xo
Elsa Seidel says
Great article! As a mom now of 47 years, I can recall some of those years were not easy. No matter how you teach, discipline, etc. there are no guarantees. But I have come to realize given time and prayer, God continues to work. We all are a work in progress. While not in the “correct” context, my Dad used to say, “It says in the Bible, ‘and it came to pass.’ Then he would add, “not to stay.”
Kristen Strong says
Yes, yes yes! There are no guarantees, no special formulas, BUT God continues to work. There’s always hope.
Thank you for sharing here, Elsa. Such rich comfort. xo
Elsa Seidel says
Great article! As a mom now of 47 years, I can remember that some of those years were not easy. No matter how you teach, how much you pray, there are no guarantees. But given time and much prayer, God continues to work. We are all a work in progress. While not in the correct “context,” my Dad used to say, “It says in the Bible, ‘and it came to pass,’ and then he would add, ‘not to stay.'”
Dawn Ferguson-Little says
I love this reading. I have no kids. But I was Registered Childminder for 19 years. What you said is so true for even me when I was Childminding. I had to put boundaries in place as well. As if I was a Parent they where my kids. For the hours I looked after them. When their parents where at work. I always put in Good Godly Boundaries in place. As I am a Christian. I at meal times taught the kids if they were the age to talk to say grace a meal times. That was thanking God for the food they where eatting. I was careful at what they watch on television. We watch things like Salty The Singing Song Book. Which they loved as it taught them in a fun way about God. As most of kids came from non Christian Family’s. That hardly ever went to Church or Sunday School. If not at all. Even I read Kids Bible stories too them. The parents didn’t mind as it was done in a non pushey way. That I was not pushing Jesus and the Bible into their kids. But getting the word of Jesus into them in a nice way. I did have ordinary books as well. I also let them watch ordinary television but nothing with horrible things it. If under three you might not get in over where you are. We get it in Northern Ireland Peppa Pig another one would be Barney The Dinosaur. They did love that. The Parents where happy. Plus I still keep the Kids and their Parents even though I don’t see them anymore. Or that of in my prayers for their Salvation. That what bit of Jesus stuff I did nicely put into them. That they would never have got at their own home. It will rub of on them one day. They will get saved. Remember it come to know Jesus as their Saviour. If get Married themselves and have kids. Go on to show Salty The Singing Song Book too their kids. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xxx
Kristen Strong says
Dawn, what a gift you are to those young ones. I feel confident that when you get to heaven, you’ll see the garden that grew from the seeds you planted in them.
On a different note, when I was in elementary school, we performed two Psalty plays. I can still remember some of the lyrics to the songs! So fun–it’s been a while since I thought about those!
Beth Williams says
Kristen,
I can see parents being more of a friend than a parent. Children who get boundaries as youngsters behave better as adults. They handle difficult situations easier. What frustrates me are parents who say things like “boys will be boys” or make excuses because their child has seizures sometimes. They are enabling their children’s behavior. Part of the problem in our country today. Youngsters as a whole don’t take responsibility for their actions. Back in my day I got disciplined. Couldn’t use the adage “everyone is doing it”. Dad would say ok everyone is jumping off a bridge go do it or something like that. Research has shown that children want boundaries. They want to know their limits. Discipline shows them you love them. Oh we don’t like it at the time, but later as adults we thank our parents. God as a loving parent puts limits on us. It is for our own good. He told Adam & Eve not to eat of the fruit of tree of knowledge & truth. They did so anyway & we are paying the price now. Thankful for all the discipline I’ve received over the years. It has made me a better person.
Blessings 🙂
Corene says
Oh my! I could not agree with this article more. Although our kids are long grown with kids and teenagers of their own now, God still used this post to speak to my heart. Don’t ever stop following His lead in your writing:)
I would like to share with your readers one gentle reminder…please remember that not every child who grows up to make bad choices had parents who did not heed the advice given here 🙂 As a parent of an adult son who has ,sadly, chosen to separate himself and his own family from us, his siblings and entire extended family , I can speak firsthand to the extreme guilt parents of kids who rebel already place upon themselves. Sometimes there are truly situations one can point to and say “this is why” , but far more often, these kids/adults were raised with love, encouragement, positive discipline, and yes, even boundaries, yet made heartbreaking choices. We all have friends who are struggling to understand why their kids make the choices they do. I encourage us all to love and encourage them and allow let our conversations with them be truly seasoned with God’s grace.