Nine years ago, at the age of seventeen, I had brain surgery to remove a tumor the size of a golf ball.
For months, sickness snuck up on me in the early morning hours and hung on until night fell and sleep took over. No matter who we spoke with or what we tried, there were no answers.
Until a Tuesday evening MRI, which led to a Wednesday afternoon “come in right away” phone call and surgery scheduled for the following Tuesday morning.
Over the weekend, in the few days between, my family and I traveled to the beach. Since before I was born, our extended family has gathered for one week every summer at the same strip of sand.
And so for a few days, we laughed and cried and hoped together. We prayed and took pictures. I wrote “just in case” letters and made phone calls I never thought I’d make.
On Monday morning, I walked to the deck, the worn wood smooth beneath my feet, and watched the waves lap against the shore. Some gently, some with a crash, a melody playing beneath the sea and throughout all creation, orchestrated by One I couldn’t see but believed to be kind and true, good no matter what the following day would bring.
And then we packed our bags and drove away.
This summer, like the ones that have come before, I stood on the deck and posed for a picture. It’s tradition now, a time-lapse of sorts, a new photo marking another set of 365 days.
Some show a girl burnt by the sun, some of the images are foggy from humidity or grainy from sand sneaking onto the lens, but one thing is the same in every single picture: I’m still here.
This year, in addition to the annual photo, I ventured past the deck to stand at the water’s edge as the new day dawned. Honestly, I can’t tell you what pulled me to the shore except that I knew He had something for me there.
With my feet slowly sinking in the sand, light began to rise and I heard it inside:
I do this every morning even when you don’t show up to watch.
The words continued to repeat, as if on a loop, as lavender turned to soft pink and then a bold orange, as waves crashed and seagulls flew low and a sharp fin slowly glided on by, the water reaching out to kiss my feet before pulling back, only to do it all over again in another seven seconds.
So let us acknowledge him! Let us seek to acknowledge the LORD! He will come to our rescue as certainly as the appearance of the dawn, as certainly as the winter rain comes, as certainly as the spring rain that waters the land.
Hosea 6:3 (NET)
Whether or not we show up and watch, our “let me paint the sky-canvas something new today, just for the sheer delight of it” kind of God offers an early morning gift to His beloved.
The sun always rises, the day always dawns, and darkness doesn’t get the final say.
He comes. He always, always comes. In the dead of night when we can’t see the way, He is preparing the new day. In the early morning hours when worries and doubts crash like waves against the shore, He stills the sea and tells the sun to rise.
His mercies are new every morning, but He isn’t. He’s the same — kind and full of grace, ever faithful and true, righteous and holy and steady through every change.
In every season, in every high and low, in every question mark and unknown, He remains. His presence is as sure as the dawn, His faithfulness as certain as the light that chases away the night.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)
What is true in the light is just as true in the dark. There is good news, a promise that is sure, a hand to hold onto and a Love that is forever coming.
And so I stood where the water meets the shore, and I waited. With new questions in my mind and worries on my shoulders, the same God who met me there nine years ago came once again — just as He does every morning. It was gradual, the light slowly pulling back the dark and taking center stage one shade at a time. And then, there it was. Light won the day.
I stood with my eyes forward and fixed, watching to see what only He could do, and it occurred to me that nine years ago, at the very same time I was being prepared for surgery, someone else was watching the sun rise.
And God in His great love was watching both.
If you’re walking a road you wouldn’t have chosen while waiting for dawn to break, Kaitlyn wrote a book with you in mind. With honesty and vulnerability, she shares from the messy middle. Even If Not: Living, Loving, and Learning in the in Between will encourage you right where you are — before there’s a bow to wrap the story up.
What is true in the light is just as true in the dark. There is good news, a promise that is sure, a hand to hold onto and a Love that is forever coming. -@kaitlyn_bouch: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Kaitlyn,
Praise for the succession of photos you’ve been able to take in that very same spot! Like you said, so beautifully, God shows up each and every day and greets us with a gorgeous sunrise, even if we don’t meet him there to see it. Praise as well, that His mercies are new every day but He is the changeless God. I worship His ineffable name. What a beautiful post to remind me that light in the darkness cannot be ignored and that darkness doesn’t get the final say. His light – His Son has conquered death and darkness forever. Awesome words to start my day!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Bev, I can always count on your encouraging words here. I’m grateful for that! You’re a blessing.
Excellent reading. I am scared of the dark. I have been all my life. Even now I am Married I still have to have the curtains open to let Gods night light in. I don’t know where this comes from. But I know I need to trust God and get prayer for it. Too not let the darkness win. I had operation for a histereymony two years ago in October this year. I was not scared going for the operation at all. The Nurse taking me for the operation said I never seen anyone as cam going for an operation like this. I was not going for it because of cancer. It was because of heavy bleeding. I said too the Nurse I have that many people praying for me I don’t need to be scared. When they were putting me to sleep for the operation I was not scared at all. Most people going for any operation say they don’t like the fact of being put to sleep as it too them dark and scary. Especially if not saved. I was not scared at all because I knew God was with me through it all. His word says he will never leave me nor forsake me. Nor God did through the operation. God never for sake you Kaitlyn through your operation all thoes years ago. You like me are still here to tell your story of how God guided the people doing our operations hands to make everything go well. So as we are where we are today. I say Amen and Thank you God for that. So God has also taught me that no matter what Dark problems you are going through in your life. Don’t let the Darkness of them cover you with Darkness of their problems take them to the savior in prayer. He will tell you what too do next. Where to get help if you need more help. So as the Darkness doesn’t have the fanal say. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little
I’m glad to hear that your surgery went well, Dawn! Your name makes me smile, as you talk about the darkness. Dawn always comes.
“His mercies are new every morning” is on the wall where I walk in and out of my house…I don’t know where I’d be without His mercies.
We were beach vacationers for years and then life got in the way. Hoping we can get back to it and start a new tradition with our grand baby.
Love this & so thankful you’re doing well!!
Kaitlyn, this is so beautiful! What a warm and comforting scene you evoke in my mind! New every morning and yet, thankfully, always the same. Perfect. He will walk with me through good times and challenging times. Praise His holy name!
Thank you, Irene! 🙂
Love this reminder! Thank you for sharing❤️
Love your poetic and truthful writings. I felt such comfort and peace in the way you write a story. God is definitely in them. Your story brought tears and Joy of encouragement to my heart. Thankyou
May God continue to give you more delightful days to see His love, light and beauty.
Blessings Dear Child of God ✝️
Oh thank you, Cheryl. What a kind thing to say. I’m glad to hear God spoke to you and you were encouraged through the post. xo
“And God in His great love was watching both.” I love this ending to your post. Blessings to you.
So beautiful, Kaitlyn! Thanks so much for this encouragement today. The photo is gorgeous — and so is your heart. Thank you for sharing, teaching, and showing by example. Grateful for you! Blessings, Patricia
Patricia, I wish we loved closer to one another. I’m grateful for you!
Thank you for this, it really speaks to me as I’m so in the middle right now and so ready not to be. Not in a health/medical way but in the middle of a divorce where my life is geographically in the same place as it was but otherwise almost completely different as I wait on God’s will for me to be geographically in a different place and to move on to what will become the new normal. I’m so ready to be there and to leave here as here no longer feels right/normal so as I do the pieces I can do, I’m waiting on God to go there first and to pave the way for me to join. . .which finds me very firmly in the middle. . .please pray that I’m out of the middle soon and on to my new beginning. Thank you!!
Oh gosh, I get that. More than you know. 🙂 I’ve joked that I wrote an entire book about the in between and yet I keep finding myself right there, somewhere in the middle, as if I’m continually living out the message over and over. I was thinking the other day about my recent blog posts/social media posts and so many of them are about the wilderness, the unknown, the Israelites in the Old Testament, and looking for God’s goodness in the middle.
I hope you don’t mind me linking to this Instagram post, but it came to mind while reading your comment… https://www.instagram.com/p/BxSWl7mBtBu/
I will be thinking of you this week, Kimberly, and praying that you’ll feel His presence – see His goodness – right where you are.
Hi Kaitlyn,
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it and I so get what you are saying. There have been so many times that I have felt like I’m in the wilderness especially in the last few years and sometimes I think, am I missing it? Is there something I’m doing or not doing to make an 11 day trip take 40 years ? Am I missing the lesson? Failing the test? I trust God, I’m just not sure that I always know how to proceed correctly.
Thank you for the link, I like what you wrote a lot! I’m so ready to be out of the wilderness and just want whatever adventure God has planned next for me. Please keep me in your prayers 🙂
Kimberly,
Sweet sweet sister praying for you now. May you feel God near you always-His presence a light in your darkness. May He quickly guide your steps & help you move on hopefully to something better.
Know that He cares for & sees you all the time. He sends sunrises & sunsets to light our way out of darkness.
Blessings 🙂
Hi Beth,
Thank you so much for your prayers and your kind words, I really appreciate it!! I had a second job interview today for a job that could take me out of the middle and away geographically from everything I’m going through now and could make me a financially independent woman again. Not sure if this particular move will be God’s will for me but praying that I will recognize His will for my next steps in this journey.
Please keep me in your prayers 🙂
Kaitlyn,
This post is beautiful, just like you. Your words washed over me, reminding me God shows up every single day in every situation. Our paths haven’t crossed as much lately, and I am so glad they did today. Sharing!
You are a BLESSING. Maree
I’m glad they did, too! Thank you Maree… I hope you’re doing well!
Kaitlyn, your words always minister my soul. God has used you and your circumstances to bless others in so many beautiful ways. I’m grateful. Thank you for always clearing away the clutter to share the messages that matter the most. You write with beautiful authenticity and soaring faith. You’re a blessing.
Tears in my eyes reading this, Susan – “Thank you for always clearing away the clutter to share the messages that matter the most. You write with beautiful authenticity and soaring faith.” Thank you. Thank you so much.
You’re so welcome sweet Kaitlyn!
Love this! Your insights are spot on! What a good God we serve and love.
Kaitlyn,
The pictures are gorgeous. So glad you got to continue taking those pics on the deck & finally got to the water. God has ways of talking to us that we miss continually. Each day is a special gift from Him. We need to treasure it & His marvelous sunrises. Don’t miss out on His sky painting. When we find ourselves in the middle of life’s messy darkness we need to look up to God. He paints the sky each morning & night to remind us He sees & cares for us. His mercies are new each day. We should start the day out by thanking Him for everything-especially another day on this spinning globe. We can all use these reminders daily. Thanks.
Blessings 🙂
“What is true in the light is just as true in the dark.” Thank you for your words of truth, Kaitlyn. I love it when God reminds me of things like that: the sun comes up whether or not I’m there to watch. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable. My dad has actually been fighting a brain tumor since I was almost two, and he had his second surgery in January. Since then, he’s been on chemo, radiation, and right now is taking something called Avastin, which is supposed to stop excess growth of blood vessels so the tumor will have nothing to feed it. It’s always cool to meet someone with a similar story. Thanks again for letting the Holy Spirit write through you, both here and in the story of your life.
Oh man, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. My dad was very sick last year and while it wasn’t a brain tumor, I understand a bit of what a scary prognosis can feel like. I hope his second surgery was successful? Praying for you and the doctors now.
Thank you so much for your post. I am standing in faith waiting and your words, “What is true in the light is just as true in the dark. There is good news, a promise that is sure, a hand to hold onto and a Love that is forever coming.” have brought tears to my eyes and I am so grateful that you share what’s on your heart. I am reading this at a time when I feel like life is the most challenging it has ever been. Your words touched me and reminded me that it will be ok. There is a plan and He is there through it all. You are in my prayers and I look forward to reading your posts as long as you are writing and sharing! Thank you!
Jolene, I’m so sorry to hear you’re walking through such a difficult time. There are no words I can say to patch things up in an instant, but I hope you’ll feel the kind presence of Jesus walking beside you. You aren’t alone, whether Promised Land or wilderness or somewhere in between.
One of the most beautiful things I have ever read.
Oh goodness… wow. What a kind thing to say! Thank you. I’m so glad that the words touched you.
You’re such a fantastic writer, Kaitlyn. I’m so glad you’re here.
I love your photo journal of God’s beauty and faithful showing -up. Somehow I thought it would be a photo of YOU each summer. That can always start, too! (also a great photo journal!) shared.
It is a photo of me each summer – I linked to it in the post. But for the purposes of the post, I included the picture of the sunrise!
Well, this is a lesson we all must learn, at one point or another when darkness seems stronger than the light. Not all of us have to have such a frightening and life-threatening surgery, but some do. Thanks for sharing of your experience and how you’ve trusted God through it all. He is always faithful and I will especially remember your words, “What is true in the light is just as true in the dark.” Celebrating your life with you and thanking God for all his blessings.