I am five days past deadline for this post when I see a message pop up on my Voxer app. There are 154 unanswered ones, never listened to. Ignored. Seeing it is another reminder that I have a life and responsibilities and people depending on me, and I’ve let them all down. Again.
My husband comes home each evening after work when winter’s early sun has set to find me where he left me when the sun was rising. Sometimes I hear his footsteps, thudding purposefully, a heavy noise less from the weight of his steel-toed work boots and more from all he carries on his broad shoulders. They pause in the hall outside our bedroom, and I close my eyes and pretend to be sleeping when the shaft of light enters so he won’t catch me staring blankly at the wall with nothing but darkness in my view. I cannot smooth the worry in his brow or ease his fear with tidy answers. We are here again together in the darkness, and no matter how hard he keeps trying to push or pull or drag me into the light, it’s as if my eyes have been gouged and no light can enter.
I’ve been in bed for a few weeks now. I’ve tried to get up, tried to shower, tried to feed myself. Mostly, I’ve failed at all of those things. When it’s all said and done, I find myself back in bed, pulling the blinds closed and the duvet up. I lie for hours resting from my exhaustion, from my depression, from my overwhelm and sadness, yet I gain no such peace.
This depression brings emptiness in my soul like a husk, brittle and transparent. I’ve lost my longing for things, the God-given desire to want — to want Him, to want joy, to want to keep breathing and seeing sunsets and eating pie. To keep writing and rising and facing the world — it’s gone. I want for nothing.
I’ve taken to counting. Sometimes I count to sixty or 320 or 1,000, and then I start over. I think to myself, I will survive for another minute, for another five, for another ten. My mind is empty and slow — so, so tired.
No one says that waiting on the Lord might look like this. That waiting for God to heal, through therapists and psychiatrists, antidepressants and antipsychotics, anxiety meds, prayer or counting, or staring at a wall in bed might be the only thing I can manage to survive one more day at a time.
But there is something to be said about this story, this waiting. The in and through of it all.
Often, we can’t form our lips around the words in the midst of our own pain, our own trials, and we are so immersed in our story that it’s hard to get perspective enough to share it. Sometimes we do need time to heal, to process, to let it breathe, to close our eyes and count to ten.
But there is something about the perspective when you are right in the middle of it all that is powerful, which can’t be tapped in the aftermath, the rebuilding, or in retrospect. Because by then, you’ve had the breakthrough, the insight, the revelation that comes from making it to the other side. The antidepressant starts to do the trick, you pull the blinds back a little further, you take a shower and realize you still have enough energy to sit on the porch and watch the sun set. And all of life begins again. But the problem is we don’t live our lives in reverse. Keirkegaard wrote, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
In the in and through of going forward, sometimes it’s ok to stop and look around and say, This is where I am, and this is how I feel, and that is all I can manage right now. Another 320 seconds. I am thankful that to understand my life, the perspective I need most is not my own.
I think of how sparse the Psalms would be if David waited for the perfect ending to each of his pleas, his cries for mercy, his dark nights, his abject terror and despair, if he waited to cry out until he could get a better perspective on things.
Surely God would come through. Hadn’t God been faithful before?
I’ve seen God’s faithfulness in my own life as much as David’s. Why didn’t David just sit tight and quiet down until God revealed himself? I love the Psalms where God shows how He loves and ransoms His people, but I also love the ones written in the in and through of it all, long before the miracle comes. The ones that say, This is it, God. I’m finite, I’m empty or hurting or scared, and I cannot see Your presence here.
I feel as if God is saying, You don’t have to smile for me. You don’t have to pretend. And my smile gives way. I breathe it out, and my face goes lax and watery, but my soul begins to fill. Because to be loved hard in this place is the only thing that matters, and I know if I lived my life in reverse, that’s exactly what I’d see over and over — a God who loves and never leaves me.
Because I do believe. I will see again. And when we come out of darkness to glorious light, everything shines hard and beautiful, blinding with His glory. But this is a story from the dark, and it matters too.
It all speaks of Him. Every story points to a Redeemer. Every single one. Even the ones written in the in and through.
This is a story from the dark, and it matters too. // Beautiful words spoken from the darkness by @aliajoyH: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
I give you much credit for writing from inside the crucible…the very dark place. When I find myself in bed, with the dark cloud hanging over me, and the covers pulled over my head, the last thing I can muster is writing. Hindsight is 20/20, but like Kierkegaard says, “Life must be lived going forward.” It’s a lot easier for me to write about God’s faithfulness after I have come through the valley to the other side, but God accepts our broken, desperate, tear stained, offering from the depths of our despair…broken Hallelujahs. It’s only in that very broken place that we learn that God loves us just as we are…even if we can’t get out of bed, pour a bowl of cereal, do anything for Him. We might not be able to feel His presence or praise His name, yet He loves us still….not mildly bur furiously. Alia, praying for you as I know, personally, the awfulness of the pit. Even if you have to take life 5 seconds at a time…God is with you in the 5 seconds and His righteous right hand has got a firm hold on you. Thank you for your braveness and your honesty.
Love and ((hugs)),
Becky Keife says
Bev, always grateful for your encouragement in this space. xx
This was a brave and honest post written by a diamond in the rough. Nd, Bev, I love your compassionate response. You’re both beautiful. ♡
So grateful you are able to put words to your experience, and that you have the courage to share those words. Too often, there is only silence associated with this experience, and that ought not be. Love that you so beautifully point out the source of beloved Psalms as originating in this same darkness. I think this helps us accept and understand the darkness better, and perhaps better support those who need to know there is a way through. Thank you
Becky Keife says
So well said, Judy. Nodding along with you. Yes.
Janee White says
2 weeks ago today I woke up in ICU after attempting to take my own life the night before. I’ve struggled with the depression meds and anxiety meds – the diagnosis and the labels. I’ve battled the loneliness and now I battle the shame.
But God…. He is not done with either of us. He is not done with any of us. And he used these words to encourage me and others to step out from behind the veil and into the Glorious Light of His Presence.
Thank you… thank you for openly sharing your heart and reminding us all that even in the darkest of places, we are not alone. We are not unseen. And we are heard.
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
I offer this ….a post on my personal journey with anxiety and depression, the stigma, the shame,the despair, the meds, etc. I pray that it will help in some small way to let you know you are not alone; this is an illness; there is hope….praying for you sweet sister. God has you still here for a reason. You are seen, you are heard, and you are dearly, dearly loved!! https://walkingwellwithgod.blogspot.com/2018/10/can-christians-truly-have-mental.html
Love and ((hugs)),
Thank you Bev… thank you so very much.
I wish I could reach out and hug you!! I have struggled for many years with the same illness of depression, anxiety plus OCD. I have felt the Lord close and haven’t felt Him at all, but through it all He has kept me from my worst fears and has held me up even in the darkest times. He HAS you,my friend!!! He will NEVER let go…. NEVER!! So don’t hold on…. because He is holding on to you! Praying for you!! Ox
Mercy Paniyur says
I just read your story, and how encouraging it was for me. Im in my early twenties and OCD began for me when I was 16. I know it isnt as long as you have had to battle with it, but I just want to tell you thank you for letting God use you to meet others who are dealing with the same. I used to think I was the only one who was acting strange and had my own family criticize and misunderstand. It has become a thorn to me as well, and until I read your story and aLias here, I have never known another human being to battle similar things. God bless you both!
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Please know you are NOT alone, even thought the illness makes you think like you are. 1 in 4 people suffer from some type of mental illness. With OCD, there are about 8-10 sub categories of types of obsessions. I was amazed to find out what others obsess about. Sometimes it’s more specific…other times more generalized. Some have more thoughts and fewer compulsive actions. Just depends. Depression often accompanies my anxiety…not fun!! If you ever have questions, don’t hesitate to contact me: email@example.com
Love and Hugs,
Beth Williams says
Praying for you sweet sister. Mental illness is no laughing matter. I’ve dealt with my dad’s geriatric psych. Hard for the person dealing with it & hard for others to watch. Praying God brings relief to your weary soul & mind. God is here for you wanting to help & heal!
Alia Joy says
I am so so glad you are still here with us, Janee, and I pray grace and peace over your life as God continues to meet you. We are more beloved that we can comprehend, even in the darkness.
Janee, so brave of you to share just the same bravery as Alia has demonstrated. I am so glad you are here, praying over you tonight both of you for Gods healing in your lives Xx
Becky Keife says
Janee, I’m so glad you’re here. I’m sorry for your suffering. You are so loved. xx
Janee, So glad you are still here with us. Know you are not alone! Prayers and hugs!❤️
Lara Sadowski says
Alia, thank you, my friend. I know how you feel, and I am incredibly thankful for your transparency, honesty, and words! It’s not easy to write while you are in the pit, and your beautiful, open post is a balm of Gilead for our souls.
Praying for you!
Joy in Jesus,
Alia Joy says
Thank you for your encouragement here, Lara.
Alia, Thank you for your honesty, for giving us a glimpse into your heart. You are so loved, Dear One. Prayers abound on your behalf. I am so glad you know Father God is holding you each moment of every day, in the light and certainly in the darkness. Love, Nancy
Thank you Alia. I live this life as well. It is exhausting and draining and dark and very lonely. I know that God is with me in these times but it doesn’t always register. Thank you for sharing, for letting others know that we are not alone in our small corners, under our blankets, that others are walking the same or a similar walk, with God right beside us, loving us and holding us…
Becky Keife says
Jodi, I’m sorry for your suffering. I’m so glad you’re here.
Michele Morin says
Too often our stories come bright and shiny from the other side of suffering, so thank you for writing from the trenches, Alia. Honestly, I wanted to stop reading because the claustrophobia of it took my breath away. Truly, God is amazing, for He has brought you out of this pit before, and He will do it again.
Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for your honesty. Depression is such a lonely walk and it brings me hope that I’m not the only one struggling in the waiting of a dark night. I praying for dawn for you and my other sisters struggling with mental health.
This is incredibly powerful. Thank you for being so open and raw. You touched me this morning and I know you will help others. I’m praying for you.
Lynn Koukal says
Thank you for sharing the realness of your feelings that describe to me escaping from the worlds way of pressing in. It’s like being a child whose afraid and needs shelter and care, they don’t feel guilty about it. I believe we are very fragile as human beings, we learn that our Father in heaven loves us, that jesus loves us, and that The Holy Spirit is meant to comfort us. I still have trouble being comforted in my times of wrestling too. But, I have learned that in those times, He is near, He is stroking my brow, He is adjusting my blanket, maybe even singing softly a lullaby to calm me, as His child. When I finally gain strength I can talk to Him again, and thank Him for never leaving me, and always caring for me. It is such a personal relationship, and many well meaning Christian’s and brothers forget their own times of struggle, and preach what we should be doing to get better, instead of offering the balm of jesus’s tender love.
He knows us best, and He meets us where we are in every need. We shall be well in Him, and with Him, for greater is He in us, than the works of the world…because He has overcome it.
Live and breathe in that blessed assurance, and love yourself in it, for the life He gives is abundantly perfected.
Beth Williams says
A lot of people don’t truly understand depression/psych issues & how they affect others. They are quick to offer platitudes like pray more, have more faith & poof you will be yourself again. They don’t realize that each person’s brain works differently. What works for one may not work for another. God knows what you need & will send it in His timing. Praying for healing for you & all.
Anita Siecker says
Thank you for expressing what is barely describable.
I know someone understands.
I know One who loves me and never leaves me.
I am so glad you write– it’s such a gift to me–a new perspective on the Psalms and my life. Thank you
Pearl Allard says
Alia, just thank you. Needed this today.
Alia Joy says
I’m so glad it met you where you are.
Dawn Ferguson-Little says
Go on line listen to if got the strength. THE FATHER’S LOVE LETTER. It might help some of you with depression and it might not to know your HEAVENLY FATHER LOVE’S YOU. Know what you are going through. YOU are SPECIAL TOO HIM. IT IS http://www.fatherloveletter.com
Hope you get it on line. Do listen to it. Words all so true about you all. Love and prayers Dawn xxxx
Thank-you for reaching out to touch us through your darkness to share your beautiful words. That takes courage…
16 I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being.
I hope that you all have a blessed day all,
Alia, I have been there. I am still there. To the outside world it looks like I have moved on…but I’m still there….in the deep silence that feels as if it is suffocating me, sometimes… I pray you (and all of us) begin to see His light in the darkness. God loves us right where we are standing or sitting or laying…just as we are. That’s really the only thing that helps me breathe again. Thanks for your courage to share….now I don’t feel so alone.
Becky Keife says
Angie, I’m sorry for your suffering. Grateful Alia’s brave words ministered to you today. You are not alone. xx
Beth Vogt says
Every story points to a Redeemer — so true. And every story can be redeemed and is worth being redeemed. We forget that during the “in” and “through” times. Thank you for your honest that allows us to be honest — and to have hope.
I’m at the altar today for you and those suffering with you.. maybe now, maybe today.. Abba Daddy hear our prayers \0/
Irene Bandeen says
May God bless you in the dark and in the light, Alia Joy. As you bless others with your writing.
I’m in the midst of the same darkness right now feeling the very real threat and temptation to be taken under. I know what you mean as you say the words “I want nothing”. I cried out from bed yesterday, “Lord I have NOTHING to offer, NOTHING to give, is that really Ok, is it really true that you still will love me?”
Your devotional today was a breath of fresh air for me as I read someone who articulated and shared my struggle from a perspective that no one else in my life can see or understand. It was like a salve for my aching soul.
Thank you for your courage, honesty and transparency. I’m praying for us both today. I’m going to attempt a shower now.
With much love and appreciation,
Becky Keife says
Rebecca, I’m so sorry that this is your struggle too, but grateful God used Alia and this space to reach your heart today. He sees you, and we’re so glad you’re here.
Lynn D. Morrissey says
Oh Alia… I’m so very sorry . . . and thank you, thank you for your courage and transparency to write this and not to sugarcoat one thing. Many feel such anguish, but they feel they are the only ones. You are extending a lifeline. This is such a heartrending post, from the depths of this pit in which you lie . . . for now. I’ve known it, and it is such a anguished place to be. I’m thinking that you could write this at all (and btw, I know it will be at just the right time for someone who so desperately needs to read it), IS the miracle, IS the evidence of God’s presence with and in you. He has guided your hand to write this, because we know from Scripture that He is IN the dark, as well as the Light that illumines it. I see the Light glowing from your words of honesty and despair.
“Then Solomon said, “The Lord has said that he would dwell in a dark cloud (2 Chron. 6:1).'”
“He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him–the dark rain clouds of the sky (Ps. 18:11).”
“Clouds and thick darkness surround him (Ps. 97:2).”
And He lights *your* darkness, Alia: “You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light (Ps. 18:28).”
I have read Ps. 18 often when I am in despair. God has used it to help me to fight my enemy of despair when I had no strength left. I am praying for you today that you will know this hopeful, part of David’s psalm by experience: “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Oh how He delights in you, dear one.
God is so good Lynn…His Holy Word leads us out of the pit of despair. This has been my lifeline as well. Having Him use His Holy Word to guide me into truth as I was tempted or experiencing the debilitating despair that looms when depression is near… His Word never fails to “guard my heart and mind in Him.”
Depression is a real experience that is threatening, shocking and very real. But God is very real and PowerFULL and His Word is the way forward, through and out. Time and time again, He tells me to “say My Word back to Me”.
I love how you remind Alia that “He delights in her.” This is the enemy of depression – the lies and the destructive thoughts want to invade and pervade us with the darkness leading as being the truth. No – the truth is that no darkness can permeate and penetrate the Light that God gives and offers us.
Thank you for inspiring me forth in my conviction and experience that God’s word has been my comfort, companion, courage and conviction…in the darkness that wants to condemn or control.
God’s Light is brighter. His Light wins over darkness. Christ won victory over darkness and it is official – he said it: “it is finished”. And by this He means that He is the Way out of every circumstance we will go through. He knows the Way out because He is the Way. Depression and anxiety are plagues that God has the Power to fight – and win. He is the Protector of us against these plagues – and He is Provider when we are experiencing a bout of these challenging emotional landscapes.
Many blessings – and thank you for Psalm 18. I am going to read and meditate on that today. So great to have this forum to share, uplift and inspire.
Lynn D. Morrissey says
Janine, you are so kind. Yes, God’s Word is truth and a great comfort. I also love to prayer-journal, and David sets a great example for journaling his prayers, even in his rawest despair. He held nothing back. All this said, though, there have been times when I am so very down that it has been hard to read God’s Word or to journal. I know it is right to point to it, but I also understand where there are times we can’t do anything but let others lift us and hold us in prayers of their own. When my father lay dying for five months in the hospital, I read God’s Word continually and journaled feverishly. But when he finally died, I went dry. Others had to pray for me. Finally, God gave me the gift of poetry (rather than journaling) as a much smaller “container” to begin to lance my grief. Though I am a prolific journal-keeper, the blank journal, at Daddy’s death, was too overwhelming and intimidating. I thought I’d drown in white space. But the precision of poetry, the exact language which excised my grief, was a way to pierce the wound and in a small way that I could tolerate. little grief at a time. God used it as a real gift. Thank you for your encouragement.
I am so sorry about your beloved daddy and I understand the paralysis from shock and grief – my beloved brother died suddenly less than a decade ago and it set some horrid destructive grief and despair experiences. It is so wonderful that you had blessed people praying for you and God mitigated in His astounding compassionate and accurate way that allowed you to write poetry as a way to assess and walk through your grief.
Thank you for sharing your personal poetry journey into your grief and especially, how God gave you that as gift.
I am sure your poetry journal is a beloved memory of your “daddy”
Oh Alia. Ypu are a brave soul. And strong whether you realize it or not. You keep going. Even if its in bed. You move from minute to minute,hour to hour, day to day. You are here.
Jesus is WITH you. ALWAYS WITH YOU.
JOY is your middle name. Itsnot being happy. Its believing that HE is there and it will get better; even if its for an hour or a day. The LIGHT of JESUS can ALWAYS shatter the darkness.
Romans 5 says that suffering produces perseverance and perseverance brings character and character HOPE.
Praying right now for you. Hope will come
Thank you for being brave and vulnerable.
“But this is a story from the dark, and it matters too. It all speaks of Him. Every story points to a Redeemer. Every single one. Even the ones written in the in and through.” Yes! Thank you so much for writing this post, Alia, even though it sounds like it took everything you had to do so. I’ve been in the darkness as well, and your post rings so true and offers so much hope and encouragement for the dark places. God is holding us in that place, and He also continues to use us as powerfully as ever even when we feel useless. Thank you for letting His grace flow through you to us today! Praying for you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Alia.
My dear son who has two beautiful children and a loving wife suffers from depression that sometimes cripples him for days into weeks.
Please pray that he too will find strength in knowing Jesus.
He needs to know that he’s loved and that he needs a redeemer.
Blessings and love to you dear sister.
Lauren Griesmeyer says
God bless you and aid you and help you! I understand! Much love and prayers going out for you! Lauren
Dear Alia, what courage and strength and grace it must have took for you to write this in the midst of deep depression! I know…..I have suffered seasons of deep depression for 7 years now….it would come like a mist unnoticed and gradually turn to thick fog, through which I could not see at all, but stumble each step of the way. I read the Psalms that specifically spoke to my pain and despair over and over and over. I clung to the Lord and His promises even though He felt so very far away and standing against the enemy’s lies when I was so weak….that was the worst for me…..but clinging to Him totally by faith….and He brought me out each time from the darkness, the loneliness, the pain, the despair, the hopelessness into light again….the fog would begin to disappear little by little until it was gone, the light came and I could live again. It was during those times (the season of months) that the ladies of this forum, authors and readers who gave me strength to hold on as I had no one else who understood at all (only those who have walked this can truly understand). But through it all there was (is) One who understands better even than those of us who suffer this and He was holding onto me, as He is holding onto you Alia. I will be praying for you dear one and all the ladies here who are in the midst of this now. The Lord bless you, the Lord heal and restore you, the Lord hold you close to His heart! A sister’s love to you, Donna
I know of this dark place you are in. Praying for you and know that God is with you every step of the way. Depression is a horrible disease and doesn’t discriminate. May you find rest in knowing how much God loves you and as He stretch out His hands to pull you close, praying you will feel this closeness. You are never alone and there are so many people who are walking with you today, right now to encourage you and let you know that it is okay to take it one day at a time. You are so loved by our Awesome God and He has not forgotten you. Thank you for having the courage to share this message.
ana arias says
I do not know…but I feel like I do now- after reading your post.
I’ve been there too, maybe not so deep.
Thanks for sharing and letting all of US know we are NOT ALONE in the mist of hard time and hardships.
YOU keeping pushing through one step at the time….
“You are going to be okay” . Jenn Johnson’s lyrics – Please listen to it.
Hi Alia and Hi “all”…the plague of this generation really seems to be depression. Anxiety also.
I know as I have been in the trenches for a long time before being hauled out and led forward – onward, upward, forward to see and experience and engage with the “Goodness of the Lord in the land of the Living”. I would like to encourage you Alia – and all others – to use God’s Holy Word as His Divine Prescription as you are pressing forward. Use His Word and speak it out loud and into all aspects of your life.
God led me out of the mental and physical misery of depression by telling me to “connect with Him” using His Words. Not mine. His scripture.
Write the scriptures that affirm who you are but most importantly – who He is for you. It is a battle and you may be exhausted but “the Lord God will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
I hope that you take this note as sincere advice from someone who has gone through the treacherous battle and emerged from the suffocating cocoon of depression – mostly silently – I was “silent compliant” because of the unspoken fear and shame and judgement and condemnation, embarrassment…all of the emotional commotional torment that came like a thick fog to invade – this made the journey a “silent compliant” one…that thick fog that tried to torment me into paralysis is lifted. And…The Prescription was God’s Word. Getting honest. Asking the Spirit of God for rescue. Listening for His Voice. And using His Word with “my voice” – saying and speaking and doing his Spoken Word back to Him. I used His Holy Word as missiles fired into the landscape of my life. I used His blessed Holy Word as “God grenades’ as I did battle to “be transformed by the reNEWing of my mind”. God’s mercies were NEW and fresh every morning.
And they can be for you too.
God is Your Rescuer and Redeemer.
Your Compassionate Companion that “leads you out of darkness into His Glorious Light.”
His Holy Word is your life jacket and will keep you afloat and buoyant in and on dark days. His Word says “Goodness and Mercy follows you all the days of your life”.
I am just wanting to be one of the ones that tells you of the victory I have experienced in the journey that tried to tell me that darkness was inevitable.
His Marvelous “Light shines in the darkness and the darkness shall not overcome”.
Thank you for sharing your difficult process and being so transparent about your journey.
I pray that God will use His Powerful Word over you to keep leading you forward into the Marvelous Light He has shining before you.
May I also lovingly guide you to tell your husband the truth of your torment. The truth of what you experience in your day….in your mind. Then you will not be alone. You will not let shame live where there should be a “no vacancy” sign flashing: no shame, no guilt, no condemnation, no embarassment.
God means for husbands and wives to “when one is down, the other lifts” ; he means for both of you to be united together no matter the stormy weather of life’s daily or season engagements: physical, emotional, relational. In my marriage, I hid it all inside and suffered privately, trying to keep the external smile radiating – in retrospect, that was never God’s will for me at all. I never knew or learned the truth and I want to encourage you to trust in the exposure with your husband. So you can both grow and so your husband can reassure you – and so you can both be real and honest and abiding. Of course, I wish I had that path to experience…but I can still offer some loving advice to someone. Maybe you can get an opportunity to just “go away with your husband” (as you say you live with your mom) Or maybe you have a special friend who will give you the gift of looking after your sweet ones while you are able to connect with your husband.
We are not meant to suffer in silence. Your husband is your life partner and I think that your burden will become divided if you share what is happening. And if you allow yourself the time and space to be able to share that.
But another thing I think right now the Spirit is trying to clarify me to say to you is this…”lament with FAITH’…yes, sorrow and pain and hurt and despair and challenges will be present in our daily path, but persevering forward into faith is the path and journey that leads us onward.
On and in and through my depression journey, I just kept daily pondering how “depressed” I was and was always focusing on the negative aspects and the feelings and then, because of the fear I didn’t comprehend or understand at the time – yet -, the distorted thinking and the disillusionment were daily swarming.
The way out was through looking unto Jesus – letting Him guide me to the realization to look to Him for “the possibiliities” – to trust Him to lift me toward the promises and gifts in a day or an hour…. I encourage you to be able to ask God to help you to keep focusing on what are the “possibilities” instead of the problems that the depression are creating.
All of the problems and challenges get left with Him in prayer and then, any “good possibility” gets invited…it is His TapesTRYof Grace for you – the one that allows us to embrace and experience the “Goodness of the Lord in the land of the Living”.
I would like to offer you my genuine compassion and empathy from someone who knows how despairing the darkness is. And can be. But as your sister in Christ, I offer you those few of my best “loving recipes” that will help you as you battle. Uniting with Jesus. Sharing honestly with your husband. Fighting with God’s beautiful world. And of course REST.
You will be in my prayers and I pray that you do not experience this note as judgement or even an attempt to dismiss your feelings or circumstances. It is not.
Depression and anxiety are real emotional responses. I believe there are so many healing and helping initiatives – God has shown me the Way out. And I wanted to share the two I thought would most assist you as you proceed.
You are brave and loved. Surround yourself with the Lord of Love and trust Him that His Light will light the way to start to experience “His Goodness of the Lord in the land of the Living”.
All who are dealing with depression, you have been prayed for before I push send.
Dear BeLoved One,
You are Loved by and Taken care for By The Father.
May The Creator of the sea, waters, Heaven, Universe and cosmos, Bless you with His father Love and mother Love.
You are bought by a High Price precious Daughter!
Jesus already Knew, His ressurection Power is for you.
He already overwon! He already defeated this Darkness.
Please Listen too His Gentle words coming forth in These 2 Powerfull and vunerable songs!
Born too be free!
You are worth it!
Much Love in Our Beloved,
Thank you for vulnerability, I too have been there and God has seen me through as he has with you and so many … He is faithful and his love never fails . It’s hard to see it when you in The Valley of despair but once you come out the other side , you know it was him who carried you while you couldn’t . God is good
Francee Strain says
Yes, God is most definitely there with you, and so are my prayers. Hugs.
Beth Williams says
God bless you sweet sister for writing this post. You are telling everyone just how it feels in the middle. Letting them see that they are not alone. Like Lynn said above you are throwing out a much needed lifeline to others. Telling them it is ok to not be ok. Christians are bad for using platitudes like just pray more/have more faith & you’ll be fine. Not so. The mind works mysteriously. Only God knows what will work for each person. He is watching over all singing over us. I’ve witnessed geriatric psych issues first hand. Hard to watch a loved one go through it. All I could do is pray hard & wait on God. So sorry anyone has to deal with these health issues. Praying for healing for all in God’s perfect timing. Thanks again for being a wonderful witness to the ugly side of depression.
Thank you so much,Alia!! I have been there and I know the pain all too well!! Thank you for sharing your story!! God used this to wrap His arms around me today!! How comforting to know He cares about us and He wants us to know we are not alone!!!
Alia, thank you. Just knowing you are in this world, a sister who understands, who is in it right now.. there just aren’t words. Thank you Thank you for being you
Becky Keife says
I love you, Alia.
Kimberly Houston says
Oh my, I soooo needed to see this post. I have just started to breathe again, and where I was 2 weeks ago was the pit, Sheol. It was so dark and bleak this time, I was certain that God was punishing me or had abandoned me entirely. I was bereft. I was angry, I was grief-filled and inconsolable.
Reading your words here, Alia, I see you’re right. Sometimes our waiting in patience is just being able to count the seconds or the breaths, or the ticking of the clock down the hall. Sometimes our waiting in patience and in faith is NOT taking matters into our own hands, but instead, allowing God to work things in His timing.
Where I was 2 weeks ago, I was ready, willing and able to end it all. Only fear kept me from permanently ending my pain. And the tiniest bit of faith that I had left, that I KNOW Jesus has brought me to the other side many, many times in the last 20 years. And that is the truth. That was my breakthrough. That Jesus is faithful and trustworthy and loving and merciful.
Thank you so very much for the gut-wrenching honesty that you’ve shared here. My prayer for you is that you might always know that God’s timing might be just a second or number or breath away for your breakthrough. God bless you, Alia.
THank you ALia Joy, Brave Girl, Faithful daughter, much loved sister. My heart goes out to you in your suffering. My appreciation and admiration go out to you in your choice to share with us and be a channel for our healing as well. Prayers going up for you and for all the others suffering….so many helpful and encouraging words in your post and in the replies…thank you all. I noticed how many said “hugs”…..so important!
Thank you for putting these feelings into words like nothing I’ve seen before. Been through depression myself and in some seasons of life, it tried to suck me back in. I love when you feel God saying “You don’t have to smile for me, you don’t have to pretend.” What a release and opposite of what the world says. Your words are a BLESSING to me today!❤️
I’m late reading this post. It jas been sitting in my inbox, along with roughly 159 other emails. I am there, in the darkness. I am in a pit so deep I am certain it will swallow me. The pain in my life, the losses of the last 2 years…they are too much to bear. The hours spent crying EVERY day are wearing on me. The memories swoop in and haunt. Medication after medication, and combinations of medications are not helping. Counseling is not helping. I have been in this battle for over 30 years. THIRTY years of my life. I know a few people would miss me…my husband, most of my kids, my mom…beyond that I am not sure anyone would really care. I am at a loss. I want Jesus to rescue me. So far he has not. Is this love? How can I reconcile this hell I’m living with the fact that God is supposed to love me? I have the smallest measure of faith left…so small it is barely visible in this dark place.
Kerri Shaw says
I’m reading through this post and the comments, and I just want to say I’m sorry to all of you. I’m sorry you are walking this road. But I’m also so fateful you’re sharing your stories. There’s power in knowing you’re not alone. For all who deal with depression and anxiety, I must encourage you to be tested for Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. There’s more info on this disease now, and many cases of mental illness are now believed to be undiagnosed Hashimoto’s. Please find a good Functional Medicine Practitioner (FMP) and let them dig a little deeper to see if there’s a root cause. I promise it’s well worth your time. Many times treating the depression and anxiety is merely band-aiding the underlying problem that no one is looking for, because they just thinks it’s depression and anxiety. And so many doctors now practice medicine, not wellness.
Just want to thank Alia, for your courage to write about the dark place you have been in. I too have been dealing with depression/anxiety/considering suicide. The only thing that has kept me from it is God. I know he doesn’t want us to take our own lives. I know God has seen me through many difficult times and I have faith that he will again. Sometimes, it is hard to feel His presence. However, I have learned to push through each day the best that I can and He will do the rest.
I appreciate all the other responses to Alia’s message. It helps to know I’m not the only one going through this difficult situation.
In brief, I company I worked for closed & I’m having trouble finding a new full-time job with benefits that I can enjoy and not sit at a desk all the time. My marriage is very difficult and divorce has been considered, he will not go to counseling. My teen & I struggle day to day. My teen is not suffering depression from this and being bullied at school, feeling he doesn’t fit in, he doesn’t have friends. I feel I don’t have friends. It’s so hard to continue on. I know God has a plan for me & loves me & will see me through. The waiting and not knowing His plan is so hard.
Thank you again! This has touched a place that was needing some light! God bless each of you and stay faithful. God will see you through!