I’ll never forget being in college on fire for the Lord and praying that I would never get too comfortable in my life.
I asked God not to let me become a mediocre Christian that just went through the motions, settling for weekly church attendance, 3.5 kids, a minivan, and a comfortable, easy life. I wanted to be moved. I wanted to hurt a little, be challenged, and get out of my own way. I was on fire and I didn’t want the burn to ever cease.
Fast forward twelve years and that “comfortable” Christian with the minivan who attends church weekly with three kids wore my face. And what I judged to be “mediocre Christians just living too comfortable” were really just adults who were tired, struggling with anxiety and depression, and maybe a little disillusioned with life and the monotony of it.
Where was the fire? All I wanted was Netflix and a bed. My joy was found in getting the kids to sleep so I could eat ice cream and not have to share.
I had become a shell of what I once was — of the woman I wanted to be. What happened to that on-fire girl?
I read a quote recently from Gisele Bundchen where she said, “I had a wonderful position in my career, I was very close to my family, and I always considered myself a positive person, so I was really beating myself up. Like, ‘Why should I be feeling this?’ I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel bad, but I felt powerless. Your world becomes smaller and smaller, and you can’t breathe, which is the worst feeling I’ve ever had.*” Yes, that was it. That was so much of how I was feeling.
One day I woke up, sat up in bed, and thought, “I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to let life’s waves roll over me. I want to enjoy my life and my family. I want to feel alive again. Lord, please help me.“
I knew He wanted to help me because He loves me and cares for me.
Because of that morning, and that choice, I spent two years wrestling with how to live a wide-awake life. I tried all sorts of things to wake up like eating healthy, finding cafes with the best croissants and enjoying them with my children, slowing down and quitting my blog for a year, and a variety of other things I wrote about here.
Those things were extremely helpful in getting me out of the funk I was in, but there was more under the surface that needed tending to.
Through the searching and questioning and stretching and begging God for help, I began to see that while God gave us minds and hearts and guts and bodies to be able to choose how we want to live, sometimes those minds and bodies and hearts need more help than our determined will can give them.
I learned that in surrendering my judgments and my pride, the things that told me I could fix myself and get myself together and be better on my own strength, I could get real help so that I could live. And in the weakness of surrender, God filled me with His strength which led me to seeing that much of my struggle was with anxiety and depression. Once He showed me the truth, He led me to getting help for the anxiety I tried to overcome and the depression I couldn’t climb out of. He led me to put my kids in school and to trust Him when I was afraid (Where can they go from His presence? Nowhere, not even school.). He began to show me that the negative thought patterns that looped in my brain weren’t the truth. Oh, how gentle His leading.
There are so many things I don’t know, but I do know this: God cares for you and delights to help you.
If you will lay down your will and your pride and trust Him, wait for Him, He will lead you. He will show you the way. He will bring you help. He will lift you out the pit and into the light. And when you’ve come from the pit and are now free in the Light, healed and vulnerable, you will experience what it means to live fully alive.
And fully alive women change the world because they know what God’s love can do, and they know their stories aren’t theirs to keep but rather to share so others will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
I praise God for His help and His love. He is so good and so kind and so gentle. If you’re struggling today, ask Him to show you the truth and then surrender all.
Sarah, I so appreciate this reminder that no matter how I might feel on a Monday morning, God is fully-alive and ready to meet me more than half way, and He delights in even my most tentative obedience that moves me in the right direction and away from my own selfish tendency to live small and safe.
I cannot tell you how this speaks to where I am this last week, what I have been praying about…..no words just amazing!
Oh Jas, I’m so so glad! Praise God!
I feel stinging eyes and know your words are meant for me..I’ve been doing the same life Sarah Mae, and I see my daughter doing it now… God help us now and thank you for your lovely blog and your sweet message.. today is the day I lay it down…again and for real.
Happy Monday in Jesus \0/
“God help us.” There it is, that is the prayer of surrender, and I need to say it every day. Happy Monday back to you, sister!
Sarah Mae,
Wonderful post, and may I add that getting help for anxiety and depression may mean that you need medicine to replace a deficit of chemicals in your brain. I did, but I fought against having to take it for a long time. God gives us good doctors for a reason and there is no shame in having to take medicine. Mental illness is just that….an illness! If someone was a diabetic or had a heart condition you wouldn’t tell them to read scripture or pray themselves out of their condition? The same is true for someone with a mental illness (anxiety, depression, eating disorders, etc.) . I have found the best therapy is a combination of medicine and counseling. Some depression or anxiety that is situational or due to past events can be worked through with therapy alone. Always, having a Christian mentor/counselor to remind you of the Truth, as you climb out of the pit of lies, is paramount. It’s time we erase the stigma of an illness with which so many of us battle! Seek help…..there is hope! Look at Sarah’s post. God wants us to have life and have it abundantly! Praying for all of you who suffer with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. Please seek help. There is NO shame. YOU matter!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Bev, all I can say is Amen! < I'm glad you are in this community. Like you, I have battled severe anxiety and depression, and The Lord led me to awesome doctors, counselors and necessary medication. I am feeling so hopeful, and I know that hope is from my Jesus! <
Sarah Mae, I will he printing your post out and putting in my Bible and journal! Thank you for your openness and transparency. <
Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow!
Joy In Jesus,
Lara <
Lara,
I am SO thankful for YOU as well. You help me to feel like I’m not alone! I have really felt convicted lately to speak up on mental illness. So many people suffer needlessly and sometimes the Christian community doesn’t help because there is still this under current that says if you just prayed harder, read more scripture, had more faith you wouldn’t be in this position. I know I felt that. It’s hard enough to overcome the pride and shame to get help, but heaping on guilt and somehow it’s your fault is a tough obstacle to overcome. Someday, hopefully, there will be a cure, but till then praying you forward in health, healing, and wholeness!!
Blessings sweet sister,
Bev xo
Lara,
Inspired by Sarah Mae’s post and our back and forth….I posted this on my blog this week. Hard to put out there, but necessary, I feel….
http://walkingwellwithgod.blogspot.com/2018/10/can-christians-truly-have-mental.html
Love,
Bev xo
Bev, my sweet friend, thank you, thank you, thank you! 🙂 I am printing this article out right now. Thank you for being so transparent. You have inspired me to continue to be open about my severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression. Many people will be touched and encouraged by your words because they will know that they are not alone, and The Lord is with them!
I, too, am so thankful for my counselor and for my doctor who prescribed medication to me. I’m doing very well now. I also have an amazing husband and family, friends, church family, Bible Study small group, and my Jesus to encourage me. Life is good!
Bev, I want you to know how thankful I am for you and your voice as well. I look forward to meeting you in person one day … the coffee or tea is on me, my friend! 🙂 Praise God from Whom all blessings flow! <
Joy in Jesus,
Lara <
Lara,
I know just how hard it is to speak up about mental illness, but I truly feel that if those of us who have experienced the devastation, yet found hope and healing do, then others might find the path to that same hope and healing. The more we keep it hush, hush, the more others who suffer will feel all alone. And, YES!! I’d love to have a steamy, hot cup of coffee with you (I’m a java junkie lol). Would love to in this lifetime, but if not, in the next….definitely! What part of the country do you live in? I’m in NC.
May you have a blessed day!!
Love,
Bev xo
Sarah, I have also been struggling with this lately. Praise God , he is pulling me into the light as well by reminding me that he came so that I could have life, and have it to the full! Thanks for sharing this today.
Thank you. I appreciate your honesty in laying your inner self on the table. You reminded me that I was not alone in my struggles – you spoke straight to my heart. As a certified control freak I need help in surrendering my problems to Him. You gave me a big nudge today.
These words are so timely. Here lately I’ve wondered if I’ve lied to myself for nearly the last three years that motherhood isn’t that hard—because it is. I am very much being overtaken by waves of life. Parenting a toddler, running a household, and working a full time job outside of the house are pushing me into survival mode. I’m coasting most days, but not the kind of coasting that’s fun. It’s the coasting that is brainless and let’s life just happen. Thank you for reminding me that God invites me DAILY to surrender and truly seek the help I need to live fully alive.
Amen. What a beautiful message! Thank you.
Sarah, this is so, so good. I just shared your words with a group of friends. Thank you for this: “…in the weakness of surrender, God filled me with His strength…” For some reason I’ve never considered the “weakness” is surrender. That makes total sense! Praising God with you for His gentleness toward us!
AMEN, Sarah! I, too, “praise God for His help and His love. He is so good and so kind and so gentle.” Just before Christmas I’ll be celebrating my 70th birthday. As I look back on all the ways God has protected and provided, guided and strengthened, comforted and encouraged, etc. over these SEVEN decades, my heart is filled with wonder and gratitude. You are so right: God cares for us and delights to help us!
Sarah Mae,
Depression, anxiety & other psych issues are no laughing matter. It can happen to anyone at any age or stage in life. This country needs more psych hospitals, & mental health professionals. Everyone needs to be informed about how to deal with psych issues. We need to understand how you are feeling & why. There are so many things I don’t know, but I do know this: God cares for you and delights to help you. He delights in us so much He rejoices over us with singing. I don’t like people telling you “pray more/harder, read scripture, had more faith” & you wouldn’t be in this situation. They have no clue. Sometimes you can’t just pray this illness away.
Blessings 🙂
Thank you. That was so powerful! Are you sure you’re not me?
THANK YOU!!!
I can totally relate to this article as this is where I am. Taking in God’s Word and letting it change me into what He purposed for my life. Treasuring His presence above all others. Seeing change and excited about more
Sarah, such a beautiful piece shared straight from your heart. Thanks for your vulnerability and being real with us in your journey.
I’m a writer as well, and for me, I can be so determined to reach a certain point that I push God out of the picture. So many times I need to take a step back and refocus myself to get myself back on track. This post was encouraging and another reminder to me. Thanks!