In less than an hour of typing that final period on a story about how God has made my body strong enough to dance again, I discovered it should have been a comma. The new story I thought God was writing — one of a healed body and new beginnings — turned out to be the final pause before the death of another dream.
That pause was the uncomfortable middle.
The middle of relief and resentment.
The middle of joy and sorrow.
The middle of hope and anger.
The middle of wonder and worry.
The middle.
It’s the place where we must sometimes dwell, where we have to come to terms with what was, what is, and what may never be.
Have you been there? Maybe that’s your story right now like it is for me.
Since I was eight years old, I wanted to own a property large enough that I would have to ride my horse to the mailbox. I also wanted to get married and have a family. God graciously orchestrated a match with a boarding school teacher, thus ending my dream for a property with lots of horses — at least until God rerouted us to a new mission field near rolling pastures and beautiful farmland.
My dream began to creep out of the corners of my heart after lying dormant for more than 30 years. With my husband’s blessing, I began to search for properties and quietly reveal my hopes to a few close friends until that Friday morning when I found out I had Ehler-Danlos Syndrome. After a month of frightening chest pain, I learned that all my middle-age shaking-it-up in dance class triggered an injury to my chest wall which explained a lifetime of dislocations, joint pain, and freak injuries. Turns out I wasn’t made for the life I wanted to live after all — a life of physical labor caring for horses on a farm.
You might think, “So what, go buy that farm and get those horses. Hire help. Research your health. Pursue your dreams!” But something happened to me that day in the doctor’s office.
God softened my heart to receive the life I had been given rather than the one I longed for since childhood.
Maybe that was the answer to months of praying Paul’s words in Philippians:
Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.
I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.
Philippians 4:11-12 (NLT)
We can be so hyped about living our dreams, pursuing our passions, and embracing the big and crazy. When we don’t, it’s easy to feel like we lack faith, like we’re choosing comfort over courage or forsaking our purpose. But what if life is supposed to be about a faith where we choose to believe the Word and all the promises God has for us in the life He has already given us?
Maybe dreams are overrated. Maybe bigger isn’t better. Maybe passions aren’t our purposes.
In an effort to comfort me, a friend said, “At least in heaven, you’ll have those rolling fields and wild horses to ride.” Maybe she’s right. I suppose I could live for that day. But what if my focus was more on living fully present, right in the middle of the unknown and totally rerouted dreams, rather than pining away for an eternity where I suspect I’ll be more undone by the presence of Jesus than a herd of heavenly stallions?
Isn’t God more concerned with us wanting His will according to His Word than having His ways fulfill our wants?
The middle may not be where we want to dwell, but I’m convinced it’s the place in which God grows our faith as we seek to trust in His promises and wait for His kingdom purposes to prevail.
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So often I allow my longing for the not-given to slay my gratitude for the given.
Thank you for letting God soften your heart as your dream slipped away.
When we stop praying, “my kingdom come, my will be done” prayers, we open ourselves up to so many “middles.”
Blessings to you, and thanks for this beautiful post!
Thanks for the encouragement to continue to let God soften my heart!
Elisa,
A good friend of mine who lives with chronic migraine pain, calls it “her new normal”. I’ve been called, several times, to embrace my new normal: living with mental illness, being divorced when I was serious us about until death us do part, being sidelined with five surgeries when I love an active lifestyle. But, I’ve learned greater compassion for others who suffer. I’ve found true love in my 50’s. I’ve had time to really dive into God’s Word and rekindled my love of writing. I was available when God called me to start a Christian school in the Middle East. None of this would have happened if I had just sat in my misery (and believe me there were some sulking, “why me” kinds of days). We may not like the hand that life has dealt us and so it forces us to run away from, or into the arms of God. When we choose the latter, He enables us to make something of “the Middle” that you speak of. I still walk in pain, but at least I’m walking. Maybe that’s the lesson to find in the Middle….just keep walking with Him?! Thank you for the blessing of your post.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Thank you for these beautiful and thought provoking words. I sure needed to read them today. I realize that we are all in the middle of some journey but unless we see it, it is hard to feel God’s presence in our situation. I tend to focus on the past or the future . Then I wonder why I sometimes feel lost in the present. Thank you, thank you, for your wonderful insight .
PS… Check out Fatmanrants.com
He is a friend who has/had what you have.
God bless you!
Love your perspective and honesty. It’s God’s kindness that you can look back and see exactly where He was while you were in those “middle” seasons.
A beautiful reminder, the best is yet to come. I am in that middle place right now. God bless.
Carol, I pray that you would feel God with you in the “middle.”
I’m always blessed by the transparency from each writer on this blog. Your story especially blessed me this morning. Not being a writer or a blogger “ the middle seems to be what I journal on”. Your story this morning is a good reminder for me, (Once Again!) to remember all the good in the middle. To keep an attitude of gratitude moment by moment despite my circumstances. It’s in the middle I find His presence sweeter, it’s in the middle where I have a choice to allow my circumstance to “crumble me or be forged into a diamond” (The Better Man Project). My prayer is I’ll be a Jewel for Jesus!
How beautiful, Suzanne, to pray to be a “Jewel for Jesus.” Thank you for sharing your heart here and for your kind words.
Simply beautiful. Thank you for this. I have learned this truth over and over again, but you captured it so well. Being yielded to One Whose plans are far superior than ours should be easy by now, but God is so gracious and patient, isn’t He?
What would we do without God’s gracious and patient response to us! Praise the Lord He is so kind!
Elisa
That was a wonderful post. I thank you for sharing your middle and what a blessing it is. I think this is where I am in my life. I have been through so much this year already and I never thought that my dream to have a business of my own using the talent God gave me of crocheting things to sell. I have lost the desire to crochet right now because of some things that have happened to me. Having foot surgery after the holidays that landed me in ICU for 3 days with a blood clot in my leg that went to my lungs. Then being hospitalized for a mix up with dosages to my medicine that made my calcium go way to high. I am also a caregiver to my 27 year old daughter who is separated from her husband, who also has Epilepsy. I am finding that this is my normal and the dream of having my own craft store to sell my things and teach others how to crochet is fading each day. I am learning to live on a paycheck that has been cut because of the 2 hospital stays and trying to keep money to carry us through until the next payday. I think God is trying to teach me that I have plenty and to not be jealous of others who can afford to buy yarn whenever they want to. I am very discouraged right now with my crocheting and can’t seem to find the joy again. I am also very jealous of my sister who has been crafting for a while and is actually selling her crafts. I think that God is trying to tell me that I will get there, just to be patient and wait. But when you have a husband who is an alcoholic and constantly tells you that you can’t have any yarn until you use what you have and no you can’t have yarn when he spends an enormous amount of money on beer and dip.
Again thank you for your post it was a blessing to me as I know it will be to others as well. Thank you that I was able to share my middle with you.
Gina,
I’m sorry for all that you are going through, and pray that it all works out for the better. As you take a break from what you love to do, (crochet), maybe a new idea (pattern) will come to mind.
Have a blessed day,
Penny
Gina, I am so sorry for the struggle you are in the middle of. It sounds really hard on so many levels. But I also see you looking for God’s work. I pray He will strengthen you today and fill you will His peace!
This is beautiful Elisa. Thank you for your honesty. The middle can be messy but that by no means disqualifies it from being worthy of living fully!
In Christ, we are not disqualified by requalified! Thanks for leaving a comment, Niki!
Thank you, Elisa. This is such a timely post for me, remembering how 4 years ago today my family woke up back in CA for the first time after returning from living in Peru. We thought we would be there ten years. It turned out to be 2.5. I’m still processing the journey we’ve been on and your post here connects with me. We want the big dreams (which isn’t always bad), but sometimes – at least for a season or a few – God calls us to Himself and to a quiet life that is deeper than rather than wider, right? Blessings to you as you continue to walk with and work out your salvation with Jesus.
Yes, Melissa, I totally identify with your story — when our plans turn out to be different from God’s plans. May you experience His hope and mercy right where you are today!
I am now 60 years old. I have spent the last 15 years dealing with surgery after surgery as a result of a horrific Domestic Violence incident where I was beaten, stabbed about 30 times, and left for dead. Then, just when I began to feel better, I got osteomyelitis and cellulitis as a result of bathing in contaminated water post-Sandy. Miraculously, I survived both of the above incidents. Additionally, I have been dealing with PTSD, anxiety attacks, and adrenaline burnout… which has sapped my energy. I am battling all of the above and the side effects of various medications by prayer, trusting God, exercising the best that I can, eating well, and taking vitamin and mineral supplements. I had many dreams. Many of them died the day that I was stabbed about 15 years ago now. However, through prayer and journaling and immersing myself in the Word… God has given me new dreams… Dreams in which I did not have to give up everything that I always wanted… but I do have to modify them or scale them down. I may not be able to be a ballerina or have a perfect body… but I still can do most ballroom dances and have a healthy body that is my best body for me while on earth. I may not be able to have a ranch (like on the TV show Heartland) with horses and cattle and sheep and goats and chickens… and so on… but I may be able to have a small farm with a few cats and dogs… a little land … enough for what I and my family can take care of… chickens… sheep and goats and maybe a few donkeys… whatever God allows. So sometimes while you are waiting… you may realize that while you may not be able to have the BIG dreams you had… God may still have a plan and a purpose for you to have a smaller version of your dream while here on earth… one that allows you to do what He had planned for you as well as fulfilling some of the dreams and desires that He put in your heart. I am healthier now in so many ways than I was 15 years ago. I am older and wiser and closer to the Lord than ever before. And I am ready to accept whatever God has for me. I am currently living in a small condo which we are renting, which will enable us to save for a modest home with a small bit of land in a place that is less costly than the area of the country where we are living now. God did not take away the dream, even when I gave up… He led me to a modified version… which includes all that He had planned for me… and He orchestrated the time I needed to “catch up with His plan” and to be willing to downsize my dreams in some ways. I also now know that my sons will have a Legacy which will enable them to follow their dreams, plans and God’s purposes. And, I have a far greater Legacy to leave them… a Legacy of my faith journey which they have lived with me. So, living in the middle and accepting God’s plans for you… well it doesn’t always mean the end of your dreams. It may just be a time where you allow God to re-create the dream as He had it planned for you.
Oh Bonnie Jean, your words. Your story. From what Satan intended for destruction, I believe God will fully redeem for His glory and the saving of many lives. Thank you for sharing not only your story, but how you’re clinging to the truth and pursuing God for healing, wholeness, and new dreams.
By the way, I LOVE watching Heartland with my girl! Next time, I’ll think of you!
Dear Elisa,
And I will be thinking of you as well when I watch Heartland and I will also be praying for you… for healing as God’s will allows… and for new dreams or old dreams remade by the Lord.
Thank you for your words of encouragement !
Bonnie Jean
Between Christmas, and Easter life was made a whole new way, and I’m learning to accept that. Alisa your story, and some of the other ladie’s has helped, thank-you.
Have a blessed day all,
Penny
Elisa, I’m so sorry for the mistake…
Penny
Penny, no worries on the misspelling! Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment — beautiful reminder!
Thank you for sharing your story today. Matthew 5:45 tells us that our Father in Heaven makes the sun rise “on the evil and the good; and He sends rain on the just and the unjust”…. …In other words, I take this to mean – Good stuff happens to bad people, just as bad stuff happens to good people. But what you have so wonderfully written is that – Thank God! – when the bad stuff happens, we have a loving Father in Heaven who can help us get through it! And those folks who do not have that relationship with the Lord – where do they turn? Who is their comforter? Where does their strength come from? And when a dream dies, we have a loving Father who will replace that dream with a new dream! A new purpose! That was always a lovely scripture to me, a comfort in times of trial…not just a trite verse that we trot out when speaking with someone about real trouble – but a real, heartfelt message of hope to a sister or brother who is struggling. Your story – and the comments of others here on the post – remind me to be humble and thankful in all things. Be blessed today
Yes, Shirl! Yes, yes, yes! And AMEN! Thank you for sharing that verse and your perspective!
I fond out I have Ehlers Danlos when my granddaughter was diagnosed at 9 months because she could not stand.
For me it explained so many health issues I have.
God has sustained me many years when there was no medical ans. Ps 139 says that He has formed us in our mother’s womb. I praise God because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Thank you for your article! It is so encouraging.
Sometimes those diagnoses are hard to handle and yet they also explain so much! May God continue to give you comfort as you cling to Psalm and pour into your granddaughter’s life, so that she may learn that truth from you!
Awww the middle…so often not where we want to be. But in the continuum of life, we really are always in the middle for as the saying goes, “yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery.” And I do believe that is exactly where God wants us. Fully present in the day we’ve been giving holding nothing back and embracing the day for what it is. Graciously accepting it as the beautiful gift God meant it to be.
Because really there’s no real LIVING in the past or the future. The past’s regrets and failings can have the power to define, cripple and stunt our growth if we dwell there too long and future’s goals, dreams, and aspirations can create a grasping, striving relentless discontent that steals our joy. So really the only solution is to stay locked into present’s offerings. ABIDING in His perfect will and plan for the day to day moments as they come. and to truly be willing and able to say, “Father, give us THIS day our daily bread”.
Loved this post, Elisa! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Lori for your gift of words today. I was married to an abusive man for 23 years. I have been divorced from him now for 4 years and still struggling some days to find my place as a divorced woman. I’m in the past a lot- I’m now in a new relationship and so I toggle between past and future with the new man who may never want to be married to me because of his own hurts and fears. Your comment helped me relax today so thank you
I
many blessings, Janet
God has great things in store for you and His plans for you are only GOOD!!
Thank you!
Elisa, I agree…better hopes spring up from dreams let go. God is good to nudge us in those surrenders – and people will do their best to push us away from them – but you keep trusting Him. Thanks for sharing!
Dear Elisa,
So sorry to hear about your disabling condition. Thank you for sharing how the Lord has helped you look upon your life. That is such a poignant way of expressing trust in our Lord, which I have never thought of before. That is what faith is about, what a good way of understanding how to have that faith and trust in Him when things seem so “un-right” in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones. Saying that we must cling to Him and His Promises in the middle, is truly the only way to keep from despair. And that is a slow process for me. Despair slams into me and that is where I stay for so much of my life, I am sad to say. This is a helpful grab onto truth that you have shared and I plan to remind myself of what you have said.
Sister-Love and Prayers to you Elisa.
NJ, I am so glad this speaks to your heart and gives you an example for how to handle those moments that tempt you to despair!
This story and all of these comments are just what I needed today!!
Thanks to each one of you for sharing.
I sometimes feel that my ridiculous circumstances and unbelievable situations must be the only ones like them, believing that I am surely the only one going through what I’m going through. That no-one else could possibly relate to or understand the extent of what I am up against. So I tend to struggle alone most times. When the reality is, there are so many of us who are walking down the same path, heading in the same direction, living through the same struggles, or worse – day in and day out. I know this to be true, yet I still allow myself to become isolated.
Sharing one’s testimony, whether in the beginning—middle—or end can often times serve as another’s lifeline and hope! So Keep Sharing and Keep Encouraging Others to Share as well.
So many wonderful passages of scripture come to mind…
1Peter 5:9 Stand Firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.
Hebrews 3:13 …let us exhort one another…
Hebrews 10:24-25 …let us consider one another…encouraging one another and all the more as you see the day approaching…
1 Thessalonians 5:11 …exhort and build up one another…
Revelation 12:11 …they overcame by means of the blood of the Lamd, and by the word of their testimony…
Such a great list of verses! Thank you for sharing them and your encouraging words, Evelyn.
This is so spot on. This truly resonates– as a job loss moved our family across the country into a new (much smaller) home away from the only home/community my children have ever known. We went from having a sprawling home with land in the country, to a tiny home in the city. I longed for our perfect weather back home, meanwhile I was shoveling snow and missing the sunshine. My father passed 6 months ago, and as we prepare for yet another move, I can’t help but look at my life and think “this isn’t what i had planned!”. Funny how God works on us in “the middle”. He truly has softened my heart and opened my eyes to so much over this past year. We have met some amazing people here and became a part of a new community. I’m learning to become less attached to earthly possessions (such as house, land, smaller bank account, etc.) and cling tighter to His faithful promises. We have 3 awesome children and we really DO have SO much even though it doesn’t line up with my original plans.
Oh Sarah, I get it. When what we had and love is lost and replaced with good things, but not what we still long for. Been there in so many ways! May God be your source of comfort and contentment as you seek Him in everything everyday!
Elisa,
I, too, had Ehlers-Danlos. I wore orthotic devices through my childhood, and wore multiple braces and had a couple surgeries as an adult. I had nights where I’d collapse on the bed and try to focus on a single body part that didn’t hurt… a little finger, or maybe my tongue. I had a doctor tell me that I would be in a wheelchair by the time I was 60.
But God.
I was introduced to teaching about the true nature of God. I studied the scriptures and realized that Jesus said the THIEF comes to kill, steal (health), and destroy (dreams), but Jesus came to bring abundant life (John 10:10.) I realized that no one who ever came to Jesus in faith was turned away without being healed. He rebuked the fevers and the sicknesses and the lameness and the leprosy and brought health and healing to every single life he touched. It is God’s nature to heal, and it is His will for us to be WELL, just as we want our own children to be well. All the pain and limitation I’d suffered my whole life was from the devil, not from God. The idea that God wants us to be sick or in pain is a lie. We Christians are far too accepting of the troubles in our lives, thinking they must be part of God’s plan when they are attacks of the devil! James 4:7 says “Submit to God; resist the devil and he will flee from you.” We do far too much submitting to the devil, thinking it’s God. The truth is, God has given us the authority to resist the devil. We have authority over our bodies. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in each one of us believers! (Romans 8:11)
Five years ago, I took off the braces. I took the story of the lame man in Acts 3:1-8 as my authority, and commanded strength into my connective tissues. Several months later I completed a triathlon in my own version of walking, and leaping, and praising God.
Don’t fall for the lie. Don’t give up your dreams. God will receive far more glory through the testimony of your healing than he ever will by your acceptance of your condition. Be blessed to know the Father who has only good plans for you, and the Son by whose stripes you were healed.
What a testimony! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for this beautiful message to find God’s peace in the “now” that God has placed us in even when it’s unexpected.
Thank you, Jenny!
Elisa,
Praying for some pain relief from the Great Healer. May He give you more good days than bad. Growing up I wanted to live out in wild Montana away from people on a big ranch with horses. That has never happened. In the past I have lamented lost dreams. As I age I realize I am exactly where God wants me. He did put me in a mountainous area with a great hubby!! At this juncture in life I thought I’d have a full-time job, be making good money, etc. His plans for me were to quit a good job & help care for my aging dad. Through all my ups & downs-punctured ear drums at birth, job losses, etc. I have learned to embrace God & His plans. Now I have great understanding of elderly people. I can help others going through this stage in their lives. Each detour has a purpose. The middle makes us wait on God & draw near to Him!!
Blessings 🙂
Yes, Beth!
“Each detour has a purpose — the middle does make us wait on God and draw near to Him!”
Beautifully said, sister!
I am so blessed by your beautiful testimony. Love your words – “God softened my heart to receive the life I had been given rather than the one I longed for”. Thank you for sharing here, it’s just what my heart needed to hear.
Thank you, Sandra. I appreciate you taking the time to share your encouragement.
I don’t like giving up on dreams, sometimes they just take a while to come into reality. While I wait I can still be a blessing even with the pain I had. I hope everyone can relate and hold onto hope.
Yes, Rebecca, we can be a blessing even with the pain we may have to endure. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this post. I have such trouble living in the present. Your words gave me pause, and as I reflected on letting go of “dreams” and living in the life God has already given me, I was flooded with peace. Thank you again.
Thank-you for this much needed and beautiful reminder to embrace the life God has given me now. I do naturally tend to dwell on memories and look forward to future events, rather than be fully in the present. Perhaps there are some “dreams” that I need to let go of, too, although once awhile back I realized with dismay that I wasn’t sure I really had any dreams. I tend to get caught up in the busyness of life and responsibilities and sometimes begin to resent them. Perhaps instead of trying to figure out what my dreams are, I will continue to learn to embrace the beautiful life God has given me.
God bless you as you continue to learn to love your life and as you share this hope with others.
Oh K Ann, you describe me to a “t” in the struggle to be fully present. I love how you affirm that we need to learn — it is a process — to embrace the beautiful life God has given us.