I am walking in a wilderness right now. Having recently turned 40, after fifteen years of staying home with my kids, I’ve been searching for a job. And it’s been hard.

Full-time in the city is impossible with the demand of sports practices and school meetings.
I feel called to ministry, but I have no experience to push me into the door.
Freelance writing has paid a few bills, but I have no passion for the work.

And if I’m honest, I get bogged down in words like calling and passion.

At times I wish I could just find a place that meets my physical needs and that I didn’t have any spiritual ones to worry about.

Many days I walk around, actively disbelieving that God has prepared good works in advance for me to do. People tell me that being a mother is a calling and it seems like a cop out, like they’ve given me good advice and can move on. Like there’s a category of women in this world that God has labeled “mother,” and nothing else.

Friends, spring has been a hard and messy time.

I am searching for the place where my passion and the world’s hunger meet, and it’s elusive. Faith itself is elusive as I try to hold on to knowledge that God has ordained my steps with His brilliant and beautiful story for me.

But when I’m not feeling it, which is often, life is moving on. Church is happening; the opportunity to worship and pray with my kids is available, waiting for me to engage. The world and the community have needs that I can ease, and even if at this very second I don’t know what my great passion is, I’m putting one foot in front of the other. Even in a time of confusion, I am still driven by my interests and gifts, and using them in the service of others will never be a mistake.

I have this sense — because God never reveals His cards all at one time — that if I start walking into my interests and using the gifts He has naturally bestowed on me, that somewhere down the road I will find myself in the midst of a great passion. That if I surround myself with worship and put my hands to good works, even if I don’t know the whole picture, my story will slowly form around me and fill me when I’m not looking.

With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of His calling, and that by His power He may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. {2 Thessalonians 1:11}

So I am stepping out in deeds prompted by my faith.

And by faith I don’t mean I actively trust all things, because I’m still lost in the wild right now. I mean that if my hands seek to do a deed for the Lord, I’m going to do it, without assigning words like calling that could threaten to weigh it down.

Works completed for the Lord are never in vain, and I have hope that their small accumulation will turn into a beautiful story when our hands are finally at rest.

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