The marigold shag carpet etched its shape into my knees as I leaned over and enthusiastically accepted my neighbor Adam’s invitation to a coloring throwdown. With a pink crayon clutched in my grasp, I pressed the dyed wax against paper and vigorously shook my wrists.
Snap.
I didn’t mean to break it, but I was only four and the crayon hardly stood a chance against my childish fervor.
The green one busted next.
Then the orange.
I remember many details of an incident that spanned only five minutes and passed nearly 40 years ago:
How I held each crayon so tight that my right palm started to sweat.
The low-pitched hum of the fan as its metal blades tumbled fast in a futile effort to abate the mid-summer heat.
The deep scowl on the reddening face of Adam’s father.
I caught a sideways glimpse of his angered expression and tried to reign in my nervous energy.
“Those are Adam’s new crayons,” he barked. “If you break one more I’m going to spank you.”
Before he finished his sentence a silver crayon buckled under the pressure of my chubby grip. The next sounds I heard were the swish of matter slicing through air and the hollow thud of a strong hand connecting with the small of my back.
My tiny fingernails dug into the base of my neck, desperate for my lungs to accept the air they just punched out.
Spit pooled at the corners of his mouth as he screamed,
“You’re a bad girl! Leave now and never come back here again!”
I wanted to run, but I couldn’t even stand. I kept my head bowed and looked at my frenzied scribbles on the coloring page collecting my tears.
Shocked with shame, I sat shaking until my friend’s mom gently helped me to my feet, brushed strands of my butter-blonde hair away from my eyes, and instructed her son to walk me home.
Breaking the crayons was not an act of willful disobedience, rather the blunder of a child too young to control her impulses, but my stomach twisted itself into sickening knots. I wasn’t as upset about being struck as I was about the notion that I was deserving of the blow.
I felt blemished by something even uglier than the raspberry hand print plastered across my back.
I had been slapped by shame.
Yes, there was some guilt over my part of the destruction of the crayons, but the guilt that whispered “you did something wrong,” didn’t fasten to me like the shame-sewn accusation of “you’re a bad girl.”
The author of Revelation refers to Satan as “the accuser” for good reason. One of his nastiest tricks is to blame the inflicted for sin committed against them. He pummels our minds and hearts with twisted condemnations wanting to shift our focus away from our hope in Christ.
“He would have stayed if you were someone worth staying for,” he tells the abandoned wife.
“Your mama only hits you because you’re stupid,” he hisses to the abused little girl.
“He touched you there because of how you look,” he mutters to the woman fighting off her boss’ advances.
“Your son would still be alive if you had realized his drug addiction sooner,” he taunts the grieving mother.
Again and again the devil slaps shame on top of senseless acts, leaving us flailing in a river of remorse instead of clinging to the cross.
God whispers to the hearts of His beloved: Don’t pay attention to those feelings of shame — they don’t belong to you. Shame is nothing more than the scheme of darkness.
But it’s dizzying-hard to ground ourselves in truth when our conscience directs us toward a lie, especially when that lie seems affirmed by an authority figure.
Still, busted and bloodied as we might be, we need to fight shame with the fierceness of a mother lion protecting her cub from a pack of hungry hyenas. Word by word . . . syllable by syllable even . . . we need to scratch out every shame-laced lie that assaults our soul. Because if we don’t stand up against shame, it will shred us. It’s that viscous. That relentless. That dangerous.
It’s shame that hushes us when we start to speak out against injustice.
It’s shame that cackles in our face when we attempt to put our brave on and reach toward a dream.
It’s shame that pins our heart against the wall when we try to trust.
It’s even shame that shakes its head ‘no’ when we muster enough strength to extend forgiveness.
I don’t believe a more formidable weapon than shame exists. It’s stronger than hate and births jealousy, fear, and discontentment. But for all its girth and bullying, shame has an Achilles’ heel.
Jesus wrestled shame to the depths of hell where He left it for dead.
Shame is beatable. Shame holds no power over grace.
Shame cannot live anywhere grace breathes.
Remember that.
When shames smashes and thrashes and claws at your dignity, don’t allow it to disgrace you. Rest in peace-giving grace and rise confident in the One who stands in honor alongside God.
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Angela,
Wow…so powerful…my heart aches for your younger self in this real story. How awful. When we read it (shame) happening to someone else, we recognize it right away and smell its stench, but when it happens to us (as it happened to me) we often can’t see it for what it is. “He would have stayed if I…..” I know the shame of the abandoned wife. It cuts like a knife. God in His grace has healed those wounds. But, now as I champion orphaned children in Pakistan and the Middle East, the enemy is rising up again to accuse…”Who do you think you are? You’re not worthy, capable, equipped, __________, enough to do this.” He’s trying to stop me in my tracks again. But if the voice doesn’t line up with what the Lord says in scripture…”I can do ALL things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me” then I need to kick the shameful lies to the curb. Powerful, powerful message Angela. One I needed reminding of this am.!
Blessings and ((hugs)) to that precious blond haired little girl,
Bev xx
Angela Nazworth says
Bev, thank you so much for your continued blessing of encouragement. You sum up emotions so beautifully because you care so deeply. I am sorry to read how shame has touched your life, but also joyful that the Lord has healed those deep wounds.
Julie Garmon says
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this post.
Thank you.
I understand.
xoxoxoxoxo
Angela Nazworth says
Hugs to you, Julie.
Gail Noe says
Wow! Yes I can relate to the deep words spoken over me during abuse as a child. It has taken many years as the Truth did not enter my life until late in life BUT the power of the Word of God. It has such power as to cleanse and remove the lie making the heart free to love and rejoice. It is a battle but so worth it. “There is NOW NO condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” Rom. 8:1 What a powerful statement our Lord has given us. But we also need to forgive the one who made us question our worth for our heart to be really free. Thank you Angela
Angela Nazworth says
“But we also need to forgive the one who made us question our worth for our heart to be really free.” Yes! Forgiveness of the offender does help foster healing. Thank you for sharing.
An says
I praise the Lord and thank you, Angela, for this post. I’m so sorry that you had to endure that shame, a false shame that leaves us asking “what is wrong with me?” I beg the Lord to heal my heart as I seek to forgive the shame heaped on by abuse, trying to draw close to Him knowing that He has chosen me and I am His. Shame leaves us stony, trying to strive to earn His love and the love of others, especially in today’s world. May the Lord lift each of us out of any false shame, gently helping our hearts to know of the height, breadth, and width of His love today for us 🙂
Angela Nazworth says
Oh An, yes, for years I wondered what was wrong with me. I owned shame and blame and carried it around like a worn blanket. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Louise says
Angela, you have a wonderful gift for writing. Thank you for writing this. I needed to hear this today – thank you God. It’s thrown the spotlight on something that has been hindering me.
Angela Nazworth says
Thank you, Louise. Praying for you this afternoon as God ministers to your heart.
LaToya Brown says
Angela,
This is such good word. It’s hard to admit feelings of shame because it seems we feel it all over again when we do. But God. God gives us his truth and takes our chins into his all-knowing hands because “…he is the lifter of our heads” (Psalm 3:3). Thank you for sharing.
Angela Nazworth says
Thank you for sharing here, LaToya. Much love to you.
Penny says
Angela,
I am so deeply sorry for what you went through. I wanted to dive through time to take you away from that spot. I’m glad though that Adam’s mom consoled you.
Thank-you sharing and for reminding us of the importance of these two things:
The hurt our actions can cause if done in haste.
Shame can be pushed aside by grace.
Blessings to you,
Penny
Angela Nazworth says
Thank you for your kind-hearted words, Penny.
Graham says
Angela, God sustained you for a reason. Now, you can hold your head high & walk in His grace. Thanks for sharing. We have all dealt with shame before, but it’s how we come out of it. Blessings always!
Angela Nazworth says
Thank you, Graham.
JeanneTakenaka says
What a powerful post, Angela. I know decades have passed since that incident, but I am so sorry you were inflicted with those words from that man. I’ve lived with shame since girlhood, mostly pushed on my by young peers in a school setting. It’s taken years to identify the lies I’ve believed for all these years. When we can identify them and bring them to Jesus, His truth spoken over us can begin to force shame’s grip to loosen.
Thank you for this post!
Angela Nazworth says
Oh Jeanne — Our stories are so similar. I am so sorry for the pain inflicted on you and also praise God for the healing He has done in your life and the beautiful work He has made in you!
Susan says
First of all I can’t even get a grip that a neighbor slapped you in the first place – Shame is a horrid thing. Thank God for the blood of His Son. xo
dee says
Thank you so much for sharing your story, and wow did this bring back memories. When I was in high school I dated this really nice fellow, he and his brothers and sisters were smart and worked hard at everything they did. Their mom though rather than throw them any kind of a bone for their accomplishments, would always shame them. She would shame the kids about everything, and not even care if strangers were in the house when she was cutting the kids down to size. They were good kids, too. I hope all of them were able to find success in life despite growing up in such a negative household. No doubt though the effects of shaming still linger.
Liz S-B says
Dear Angela,
WOW!! I can totally relate to some of the accusations of shame in this story,
“He would have stayed if you were someone worth staying for,”
For years I believed this lie. I believed that my ex-husbands abuse and adultery were my fault… But eventually I came to realise that his sins were not mine, his choices were not mine. I love where you say;
“God whispers to the hearts of His beloved: Don’t pay attention to those feelings of shame — they don’t belong to you. Shame is nothing more than the scheme of darkness.”
Only last week my (still) angry oldest son lashed out at me saying,
“I know why Dad left… You are crazy!” All because I refused to enter into an argument with him and I then said, “I love you son, no matter what you do or say.”
Thank you for this reminder… I really needed it!! 🙂
Rebecca Jones says
Shame is a terrible thing. It’s funny some people who should be ashamed aren’t or even repentant, and here we go carrying what Jesus bore. I’m glad He’s there.
Lisa says
I am facilitating a study entitled “Captivating” by John & Staci Eldredge… Thank you for offering more insight and a gentle reminder to breathe in the grace of Jesus, our Lord. This message is greatly needed and beautifully shared! Thanking God for you and this online ministry!
Beth Williams says
Angela,
Thank you very much for you open honesty in telling this story! I find it hard to recognize any shame in myself and know it is the enemy attacking me.
I grew up shy due to hearing loss. I had a hard time learning to speak clearly. I didn’t have much confidence in myself. When I make a mistake or do something wrong I hear “dumb, stupid, not good enough, ugly”! Never did I consider it was the devil taunting me and getting me upset and depressed! I have since come to know I am made in the Image of Christ and He calls me (all people) Very Good!!!
Blessings