Sometimes, around our boisterous dinner table, I wonder if we’re doing anything well, if we’re doing this parenting thing okay. I wonder what our boys will remember: the millionth time I ask them to sit properly, the conversations about their days, or the bickering over the last corn on the cob.
When I’m honest, I can feel the pressure and anxiety mount as I wonder if we’ll pass as parents, if our kids will want to come to their childhood home and be with us as peers.
Will we be enough? Will our home be enough?
As I slip into anxious moments, I hold tighter as I try to control the volume instead of simply letting us laugh and learn and be together. I forget that home has always been about belonging, and that behavior always follows love.
Jesus told a parable about a father who didn’t control so tightly that his sons flew out of his clasped hands. When one son was lost, the father spent his days on the porch, his eyes scanning the horizon for his boy. And when his son came home? While the son was still a long way off, the father picked up his skirts and ran to meet his boy.
The father kissed the self-imposed exile and welcomed him, not with a lecture of shame, but with the undeserved love of a father who just wants his boy home.
And that second son? The son who was too proud to go into the party? The Father came to get him too. He came and stood with him in his self-righteous envy and offered himself. He offered joy. He told his son that home is about belonging. That we throw big parties when someone is lost and then found, and that we can be lost and alienated even when we stay where we’re supposed to and perform perfectly.
Home flies in the face of performance. It says boldly and with abandon, “You are welcome here.” It is the embrace of a Father who covers our shame with a new robe and a ring on our fingers. It is the presence of a Father who doesn’t shame or guilt us into change, but offers transformation through Himself.
Home leaves space open for us to thrash about in confusion, or rebellion, or pain. It opens the door to hard conversations, where “Would you forgive me?” becomes a staple in family dialogue. Home invites us to lay down our rebellion — whether we do that through blatant leave-taking or perfect performance — and admit our need.
No, our homes will never be enough. I won’t be enough. In my own strength I can’t muster a perfect household, nor would I want to.
Because, ultimately, our homes here-and-now point us to a one-day perfect home. A home where we’re always welcome. A home where our needs are known, cared for, and attended to gently. A home where the misfits gather — both the exile and the do-gooder — around a table spread with a feast in the presence of Jesus. That’s the home where we truly fit, where we’ll all belong.
So I can breathe at my dinner table when the noise begins to ratchet up and I realize that this too is part of Thy Kingdom come.
It is part of the glorious mundane and it, too, is holy.
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Leave a Comment
Sarah S says
“No, our homes will never be enough. I won’t be enough. In my own
strength I can’t muster a perfect household, nor would I want to.”
Recently, I was thinking as I washed dishes at the kitchen sink, “If you’re looking for perfection, you’ll always miss the good right in front of you.”
God said, “It is good.”
This life here, now, today, it is good. Thanks for the reminder to enjoy the good of family and the here and now of today. Blessings to you and yours Ashley.
Ashley Hales says
Thank you for your own encouraging words! I love that so many of our revelations happen in the ordinary dishes-washing moments. Here’s to embracing the good!
Courtney Lilly says
I love everything about this. Great post!
Ashley Hales says
Thank you Courtney!
Faith Miller says
This blog tugs deeply on my heart strings, as growing up so much was about performance rather than a feeling of just being accepted & loved for who I am. Thankyou for this beautiful encouraging message, as it gives me renewed hope 🙂 Faith
Ashley Hales says
Faith, it’s so easy to use performance as a way to measure acceptance because we can see and earn it. Praying for you as you walk in the freedom of love today.
MamaJoyful says
After all of these years I am still amazed at the way God knows exactly what I need and provides it perfectly! Thank you for this article. It is just the piece in this puzzle of life I needed today.
Ashley Hales says
I’m so glad!
Chara says
“When I’m honest, I can feel the pressure and anxiety mount as I wonder if we’ll pass as parents, if our kids will want to come to their childhood home and be with us as peers.” This question sneaks up on me as well. It is a deep trust we must give when it comes to our children. It demands something from us we are still learning to give. I love the image of the father you illuminated here. Great piece Ashley!
Ashley Hales says
Thanks so much Chara! I appreciate you being here and commenting. Yes it is such a deep trust, isn’t it? It’s one we get to learn in baby steps and one where the Father comes to meet us too, even in our failure and flailing around.
Lisa says
“When I’m honest, I can feel the pressure and anxiety mount as I wonder if we’ll pass as parents, if our kids will want to come to their childhood home and be with us as peers.” This question sneaks up on me as well. I don’t have that relationship with my parents, so it’s always on my mind and heart…more lately as we begin to visit colleges and prepare for our son’s future. It amazes me that God always knows what I need to hear. Thank you!
Ashley Hales says
Oh Lisa, I’m so glad this is something you need to hear! Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m learning to let go of that anxiety but it always creeps in, I suppose. I hope that your college visits will be yet another memory that will draw you son back home when he needs it.
Leigh says
As our children enter these teen years my husband and I have spent many hours discussing our desires to create the “cool” home, where not only our kids want to be but their friends will want to come as well. God has reminded me it is not about how perfect it looks with all the cool toys, but how they feel while they are here. This weekend was a testament to that as we opened our home to our kids friends and fed them and shared the love and comfort of our imperfect home. Our kids thanked us and told us how much fun they had.
Ashley Hales says
Leigh, I love your story and that is such a great example. It’s not about the stuff but about the welcome. I love hearing how you did just that this weekend. Thank YOU for encouraging my own heart as my kids get bigger.
Kristi says
I can totally relate to defaulting to anxiety when I start fretting about the future mess ups/brokenness/counseling sessions my kids might end up having due to my own imperfections. Thank you for reminding me that it’s about love and grace for one another and it’s about belonging. Beautiful truths. Thank you.
Ashley Hales says
Thanks so much Kristi, for reading and commenting! Glad to know I’m not alone! And I’m glad we serve a big God who can take all our crazy!
Beth Williams says
Ashley,
God gives us nice homes & expects us to share them. He created us for community. We should be willing to open our homes not just when they are perfect with all the cool toys, but when the people inside want to share the love of Jesus! If we open our homes to friends, & family we are sharing in the goodness of God!
Blessings 🙂
Ashley Hales says
Yes, I love this Beth. Vulnerable hospitality is something our family is trying to learn again and again.
Michele Morin says
Do we ever outgrow those harmful and hellish words: “not good enough”?
So thankful today for community that mirrors back a right way of thinking about my identity, and for God Himself who whispers Truth from His Word about who He is — and who I am.
Thanks, Ashley — so glad to find your words here today!
Ashley Hales says
Thank you Michele for being here. I hate those shame-filled words we keep slinging back at ourselves, don’t you? I have to keep going back to the source and remembering I’m a daughter of the King and have a Father who RUNS to me.
Marty says
LOOOOOOOOVE this post. I am all about “home” and felt like I worked really hard to make our home a place of love and laughter and learning and comfort and safety and acceptance and refreshment. But when our 4 kids were younger, and we sat around OUR dinner table…I wanted to throw in the towel so many times, because my efforts just didn’t seem good enough for these rat-finks I had given birth to. I had many of the same feelings you wrote about: “What would they remember? Are they getting ANYTHING out of what we are trying to teach them? Do they even LIKE each other? Do they like US? Will they ever come home or will they be so anxious to leave? Good news. They do…and they will. Our kids love to come home. They love God and each other (and us). I firmly believe that it was not anything WE did, but it’s like God took our feeble attempts at “train up a child,” and made them into something beautiful. For that, I am so thankful.
Ashley Hales says
marty, thank you for reading and being here. Thank you for your wisdom and story and sharing along with me in the fear and tension and trust. I’m so thankful for your story and your precious children who do love God and their family. A gift!