My best friend goes to weddings the way some people go to movies. She attended eight last year, with seven more on this year’s calendar.
I know, right? Fifteen weddings. All I can say is, everybody loves her, and her handsome sons make great groomsmen.
Me? I’ve been spending more time at funerals lately. Close family, close friends. Not nearly as joy-filled as a wedding, even when we know the one we’ve lost will live happily ever after in heaven.
The truth is, saying good-bye is hard.
And saying anything at a funeral is difficult. Time and again I’ve stood in line at a funeral home, waiting to speak with the family, trying to think of something encouraging or helpful to say.
Then, when it’s my turn, I blurt out some Christian cliché that’s thoughtless, heartless, or just plain foolish.
The good news? I’ve made a complete idiot of myself, so you won’t have to.
Here are ten things not to say the next time you attend a funeral or send a sympathy card. Trust me, you’ll thank me for this.
- “I know how you feel.”
We have no idea how other people feel, especially when they’re grieving. Even if you, too, have lost your grandmother, resist the urge to mention it. Focus on their loss, not yours. - “Everything happens for a reason.”
This is absolutely true, but it’s a reason the Lord alone knows. Don’t go there. When the survivors are ready to see a bigger picture, He will show them. - “It was his/her time.”
Clearly so. No need to point it out. - “At least you had ___ good years together.”
A reminder of what they’ve lost does nothing to ease their pain. - “You must be glad his/her suffering is over.”
Maybe, but if they were praying for healing or recovery, this is not the outcome they were hoping for, and glad is the last thing they’re feeling. - “You’re still young. You can remarry/have another child.”
I’m grateful I’ve never said this. But I’ve thought it, and that’s bad enough. - “It’s for the best.”
For the deceased, maybe. But not for the people we’re trying to comfort. - “He/she is in a better place.”
If the loved one was a child of God who stepped into the next world when he or she left this one, they assuredly are in a better place. But when we miss someone we love, we want them right here with us. - “He/she looks so natural.”
Compared to . . . ? - “If there’s anything I can do, just call.”
This sounds caring and sincere, and no doubt is. But a grieving person often doesn’t want to burden friends or ask for help. So, we need to call them, figure out what’s needed, and make it happen.
This brings us to our happier ending.
Ten things that are good to say and do.
- “I love you.”
Short, simple, profound. We can never say — or hear — it often enough. - “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
This is the heartbeat of sympathy: shared sorrow. - “I’ll be praying for you.”
Even better, be specific: “I’ll pray for you every morning at nine on my way to work.” Not only will your promise comfort them each morning, it also opens a door for you to call and check on them: “What can I be praying about this week?” - “Here’s something I really appreciated about your loved one.”
If you have a brief story or memory to add to their collection, they’ll be grateful to hear your words and will cherish them for years to come. - Show up. Be there. Visit.
At the viewing. At the funeral. At their door, if and when it’s appropriate. Flowers are nice, but hugs are better. - Weep with those who weep {Romans 12:15}.
Not everyone has a ministry of tears, but if you do, bring tissues. - Listen.
Save your questions and suggestions for another time. Concentrate on making eye contact and nodding. - Provide food.
Bring a meal. Do their grocery shopping. When they’re ready, take them to a restaurant. People in mourning may forget to eat. Help them remember. - Keep in touch.
Send a sympathy card or note a month later, when their mailbox is empty. - Include them in your life.
Invite them over to watch a movie or play board games or bake cookies or whatever’s happening at your house. The less fuss, the better. Think family, not company.
The day will come when your friends will be ready to put aside their heartache and rejoin the land of the living. If you’ve walked that hard road with them, then you’ve lived out His truth: “A friend loves at all times” {Proverbs 17:17}.
[linebreak]