Growing up . . .
I played with Kristen from the moment my mother allowed me to sprint out our front screen door until the time I dragged my sweaty, sandy self home. Kristen and I filled our days gathering flowers and holding parades — in which we were the only people in attendance.
When I was twelve . . .
Sarah and I walked her block and talked of boys. We spent hours circling her neighborhood aching for that illusive thing called freedom. We weren’t sure what freedom was, but we were certain it included heavy, blue eye shadow.
In high school . . .
Amy and I drove around in my beat-up Chevy Cavalier and listened to Matthew Sweet. Gas was cheap and time was abundant. In-between songs, we talked of life after high school and tennis and sex and the beach.
In college . . .
Susan and I grabbed a gaggle of girls, individually curled each strand of our hair, proceeded to coat our curls with White Rain hairspray, and then started our nights at 10:00 pm — all while dancing to “Jive Talking.”
In marriage . . .
My husband and I discovered we shared a wall with another newlywed couple, and our relationship with them was very Friends-like (Think of it as if Rachel and Joey got married, and they lived next door to Chandler and Monica). We saw each other before work and after work, and we always, always discussed our outfits for the upcoming day.
But time passed.
I could no longer stick my head out my door and yell, “Who wants to go out?” I didn’t have time to drive around aimlessly belting out lyrics to my favorite songs. I didn’t have the energy to curl each strand of hair, and sadly, my new set of neighbors didn’t care what I wore to work.
My friendships required work. Friends had babies and families and lived in different time zones. Friendships became hard, and recently, I found myself complaining to my mentor.
“I know I have friends, but I don’t feel as if I have friends.” I sighed.
“Don’t expect your friendships to look the same as they did in your early twenties and thirties,” my mentor shared. “As you get older, your friendships change. They look different, but your friends are still there.”
Oh, yeah. I knew that. Of course my friendships would look different. Wait, did I know that?
No, a text message isn’t the same as face-to-face time together, and no, a bouquet of tulips for my birthday isn’t the same as a dinner out together. An annual girls’ trip doesn’t take the place of monthly book club meetings. Handwritten cards in the mail aren’t the same as middle-of-the-night talks, but these girls, the ones I have loved through life, are the same girls I love now. They are my friends.
How have your friendships evolved and changed with age? How do you work to maintain your friendships?
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Related: Celebrate the friends God has brought into each season of your life with these four lovely dessert plates: Braver, Beautiful, Stronger, Loved
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Jenn,
I can relate to what you are saying about mourning the friendships of your 20s. Friendship seemed much easier back then, right? I am so, so super psyched about your coffee date and that you are pursuing friends even when life is full!
Thanks Amy! I’m looking forward to it as well! Again I really appreciate the words of encouragement that friendships or something that have to be worked out and focused on at older ages and stages in life beyond the 20s. It’s just a fact of life that can be excepted and enjoyed if embraced. Thanks Amy! I’m looking forward to it as well! Again I really appreciate the words of encouragement that friendships or something that have to be worked out and focused on at older ages and stages in life beyond the 20s. It’s just a fact of life that can be excepted and enjoyed thanks again!
Oh my, you are speaking my song. This has been a hurdle I have struggled to soar over in this race of life. You know when I am in charge of the change, it is ok… the changing. However, when my lack of control is evident, I am tripping before I tie my shoes tight.
I have been learning, too, the importance of recognizing that the different isn’t bad, just a new view of a beautiful gift. Sometimes it takes me a while.
Thanks for the perspective, Amy.
♡Dawn
Girl, it is my song too! I must confess although I love change, sometimes it takes me longer than I like to realize different isn’t bad.
I find they are very challenging now. I struggle to find my place as a good friend in the first place, but my life is so demanding, it’s really harder now that I’ve realized my errors. i’m not good at certain things either, but I’m so lonely for that connection! I’m still working at it though, and praying for God to help me.
Being lonely for connection is the worst, especially when you look around and everyone else seems so connected. I get it. Plus, I can totally relate to your life being demanding. Sometimes it’s tough to squeeze in time for friendships when you are already so drained. Praying for an easy friendship to head your way.
“I know I have friends, but I don’t feel as if I have friends.” Thanks, sweetie, it’s so nice to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. I think it’s harder {or maybe not} for those of us who aren’t super social, those of us who have only ever had a few close friends. Distance and responsibilities change the face-time, but they don’t have to change the heart.
June,
What a great last sentence about distance changing the face-time, but not the heart. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. It feels good to know others feel the same way.
I had friends, but through countless moves, I lost touch and I am very lonely for a good girl friendship. It is difficult at 61, recently divorced and living in an area where I don’t know anyone. I am like you, June, not very social – a strong introvert. I have to overcome hurdles to make friends. I just don’t know how to go about it at this stage in my life. I do pray that God will bless me with the right people to have heart-to-heart relationships.
Oh how I’ve missed you! Your blog is right on! It was easy to make friends when you’re younger. Now that I’ve gotten older, it’s hard. It’s really difficult to make and retain friendships. Everyone has “life” going on and it gets hard to make time etc. What’s even harder is when you don’t have kids. You don’t have the social opportunities to get to know parents and become friends. And I really like going out with girlfriends as well as couple friends. So, I became a gym rat just to make friends. Rob and I thought we had a good thing going with my best friend. She and her husband were an awesome pair. We had so many similarities as a couple. Then, they divorced and she moved to California. I still talk to her almost everyday via PM in FB. But, it’s not the same as having her here to make fun of the silly outfits I pick out when I’ve had a drink or two. 🙂 And, I’ll have you know that I was just thinking of you and Susan a couple of days ago. I thought about our “borrowed” car and our trips to the beach belting out Hotel California.
Awwww, Cindy, how fun to see you here!
I agree older = harder. I am sorry to hear about your friend who moved away. I had three close friends move just last year. Wiped me out. Those girls made up the majority of my local support system and although it sounds dramatic, I grieved about it for awhile. Who am I kidding? I still do! Praying for the perfect friend to come your way. She’d be a lucky girl.
ps: long live “borrowed” cars.
I don’t think I knew that, or I don’t always remember that. I know I have friends, but don’t feel as I have friends. You don’t know what kind of beautiful relief that is to hear someone else say that. I thought it was maybe just me. It’s like I feel panicked sometimes… I feel so alone while we are all immersed in our own busy lives. I just know you can’t give up, you have to find a way to keep those friendships strong. One thing that’s better about growing older… finding sweet friendship through these silly computers, women you would have never met otherwise, but feel like you have known forever. So thankful for that new development 🙂
Lisa,
The internet sure does through a new spin on things doesn’t it? Who would have ever thought? Thankful for you!
hi Amy! Really enjoyed your post today! It is hard to navigate how friendships change once you aren’t “footloose and fancy free” as in the single-and-without-children phase of life 🙂 Thanks for the reminder to pause and consider what our friendship CAN be rather than what they aren’t anymore – to look forward with joy rather than backward, wishing for something that once was. Great post!
Laura,
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment! I need to tape your very words to my fridge..”pause and consider what friendships can be rather than what they aren’t any more.”
“I know I have friends, but I don’t feel as if I have friends.” <— I said almost these exact words to my husband just the other night. It is a hard and often lonely feeling until someone (like you) reminds us that we have to work at growing those friendships. We can choose to just turn our back and let them die or we can get our hand dirty taking care of them.
Thanks so much for stopping by, Amy! I need to remember to get my hands dirty and not tomorrow or when I have time, but right now! It is comforting to hear this is a struggle for others too!
I miss the friendships of my 20’s and 30’s…and even early 40’s…so much. After raising our 4 children in the same small town, we moved…twice, with my husband’s job. It is HARD to start over when you have older kids and don’t work outside the home. We have two kids who are married, and our baby is leaving for college in a few months. Our oldest son has Down Syndrome and lives at home with us…and we love it, but sometimes being a parent of a child with Special Needs, even an adult child, can be very isolating. I am trying to be patient and see the lessons God is teaching me during this time in my life. I wonder, if we hadn’t moved, would we still be in the same friend group, or not? And, as much as I miss everyone, the time away has shown me that sometimes a friend group can become more important than a marriage…or children…or a job…or ministry…or those people on the fringe that wish they had just one friend. I am very thankful for the friendships I have, but now I try to keep them in the proper perspective.
Marty,
I was just talking the other day about this very thing! What is God trying to teach me during the dry times in my life, the times when friends seem far away (or nonexistant!). Thanks for sharing part of your story here.
Sometimes when the gifts of friendship have been so rich in the past it’s hard not to hang on to those pictures and wish they still held true in the present. I struggled with that for a long time post college, too. But I think we can lean into the season we are in, giving thanks for what was and opening our hands to the blessings yet to come, then we are more able to invest in new friendships right where we’re at. Great words, Amy.
Yay, Becky! Thanks for stopping by and reminding all of us to lean into the season we are in.
Becky, I love what you have to say about lean into the season and giving thanks. Wise words, indeed.
My heart aches for the friends that live so far away. I miss them terribly. Thanks for the encouragement to continue to invest in them and love them even from a distance. I love the newer friends God has placed in my life as well. I can almost see how time will change us all but want to continue to stay close
Such a great post! I am pinning and tweeting! I really can relate to this season of life where we have to trust those long-term friendships (now often faraway) will remain intact even when we can’t tend to them as much as before. I struggle with guilt for not being 1,000 things to 1,000 different people, but my time now has more pieces of the pie. Thank you for writing on this! I really felt encouraged! Blessings!
Bonnie,
Thanks for sharing! I know that guilt…actually struggling with that very guilt right now and longing for more time to tend the relationships in my life.
Your mentor is so insightful. I keep expecting them to look the same, and well, they simply aren’t. BUT, that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. She is a wise one; you should keep her around.
Oh, and are we Monica and Chandler or Rachel and Joey? 🙂
You are obviously Monica (only the noncooking version). Shane is Joey. I don’t think Heath and I fit Chandler and Rachel, but I do really like shoes. XX
Amy,
I grew up being super shy and not having many friends. As I aged I outgrew some of my awkward shyness and have a few friends now. Keeping these friends takes intentional work. I make myself send out cards, emails. & even texts to let them know I care about them. I have 1-2 really good friends with whom I can talk about anything. I am blessed!
Blessings 🙂
Beth,
Thanks for the reminder that cards, texts, and email are all ways to grow our friendships, and so thrilled you have friends to lean on.
I don’t have any friends, and I long for that connection – my tribe. Being an introvert and shy has certainly been a challenge all my life. I love this article and feel inspired to “put myself out there.” It is not easy at 61, but with God’s hand in it, I trust friends will appear.
Lynn,
I have gone through periods where I felt as if my tribe was missing or I didn’t have a tribe at all. I hope you are able to be brave and put yourself out there!
Thank you, Amy. It’s good to know I am not the only one feeling that my tribe is missing. I have to get the “brave” factor up and just do it! (this can be difficult). Thanks for your blog – it is so inspiriting. God’s got a plan.